For those of you reading this who haven't followed my story on YouTube or Instagram these past eleven months I will give you a quick synapses of the progression of my anxiety thus far.
Back in February of this year, a few days after valentine's day I began feeling dizzy at work. I immediately began to have a panic attack and left work and drove myself to a walk-in clinic because I thought my imbalance was something very serious, possibly death. It obviously was not death, thankfully.
This lead me to just about two straight weeks of extremely high anxiety and panic to the point where I was constantly shaking and afraid. My pupils were dilated, my stomach was in my throat, my feet did not support my own body weight and I was barely staying asleep at night. It was terrible.
This lead me to a doctor for the first time in well over a decade and began an almost year long series of blood tests, fear, anxiety, getting an MRI on my brain, seeing specialist after specialist, racking up thousands of dollars in medical bills (which I've refused to pay because of course I was going to die and paying the bills would be a waste. I'm still alive and the letters and phone calls come daily.) and nothing but more questions that I began with back in February.
I was given a clean bill of health back in June, basically, and through my own research, mindfulness, meditation, acceptance, sheer will and brute force I began to feel better day by day and thought the worst was behind me and brighter days were ahead, and they were, for a while.
Fast forward to-
Thanksgiving night I was woken up from a dead sleep with my arms and legs vibrating hard. Tremors, pulsing, I'm still not quite sure but it was scary and when I got out of bed my limbs were heavy and weak and I had my first real scary panic attack in months. Thinking I was going to die (of course) I made an appointment with my friendly new doctor friends and had another blood test and they recommended that I see both a neurologist and cardiologist. Scary.
I got a check up from the neurologist this past weekend and he informed me that I do have a pinched nerve in my left leg and Carpal Tunnel in both of my hands. Not great, but clearly not life threatening. He also informed me that I have panic disorder and anxiety and that I should consider medication specifically Lexapro . I informed him that I'm also a hypochondriac and we laughed. I'm always a bit more cheery about this when in the safe confines of a doctor's office or hospital. This is the first time in my life I'm actually considering medication.
The cardiologist visit was not too bad, but did not wrap up nicely after the one visit. The EKG showed that I have a palpitation when I take deep breaths and the doc recommended I get a stress test and a sonogram on my heart. I had the stress test earlier this week and it seemed to go well. I will follow up with the cardiologist in a few weeks after I get the sonogram but feel fairly confident all of this will come down to anxiety. I hope.
I know that sounds nuts, but I hope it's only anxiety and not a real heart issue. Being a fatass cigarette smoker for the past decade plus is eventually going to catch up with me. Changes are being made, I'll get into that later.
I still feel palpitations. It bugs the shit out of me, which causes daily anxiety and it's just shit all around. The cycle is awful. Anxiety that causes physical symptoms and physical symptoms that cause anxiety. I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically and spiritually. I'm ok, but, I'm tired. (I know, I know, I know.)
This is my main reason for truly leaning towards a pill. The idea that I will be able to get through a day without feeling this way and thinking about death is great, maybe I'm getting my hopes up but I like this idea. I'm seeing my psychologist at the end of this week and will discuss it with her. I see her twice a month. It helps, I highly recommend talking to someone a few times a month or more if you can afford it. Contact me if you would like to discuss.
So here I am. It's a few days before Christmas which is WAY longer than I thought I'd still be dealing with this string of issues. Is it even a string? I don't really know for sure, but it feels like it has been and my mind can and will connect anything together that supports whatever my mind needs to connect to fulfil the catastrophic movie in my head. Hooray!
I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember but this past year was when it really morphed into hypochondria. My fear of death and my over thinking, over analysing mind really outdid itself this year and truly deserves a gold medal.
My mind is still not at ease. Is anyone's? I don't really know, but this state is too much on most days.
::CONTINUED ON NEW YEARS EVE::
Today is the last day of 2017 and I honestly did not believe I would live to see this day when this all began back I'm February.
I had the sonogram on my heart earlier this week which was scary in of itself. Staring at a black and white screen with only my literal beating heart to stare at fir the better part of an hour was uncomfortable but I got through it. I watched my palpatations happen is real time. I felt my heart skip a beat and watched it lay seemingly lifeless for a second on a grainy screen and was forced to keep myself calm. I didn't like it but I'm fine.
I have my follow up meeting with the doctor on Friday and my next appointment with my psychologist the same afternoon. This has become my hypochondriac life. Meeting doctors, having follow ups, worrying in wait and having my mind reassured only to have my anxiety spill into another area of my body so that my mind can stress about another major organ and the terminal illnesses that could be found therein.
The last few weeks I have felt fine. Better than fine. I gave been really practicing the mantras of "my thoughts are just my thoughts" and "my feelings are just my feelings" AND IT HAS BEEN WORKING. mindfulness and acceptance work. No method is perfection but this seems to be working great because I know it's not going to rid me of the anxious thoughts and feeling but instead allow me to live with them and desensitize myself over time. I feel good about this.
Ok, if you've read this far bless your little heart. I was hoping not to ramble and go all over the place but this was a complicated year and I'm sharing this story for my own personal mental health and growth and also for anyone else out there who's had similar experiences and maybe needs to read something like this to simply know that you're not alone. Also, maybe you'd like to share your story. You can do that here. 😊
Having stayed all of the above I must say that even though I felt very uneasy a lot of this year and still have feelings of uncertainty and dread I am truly better from all of these experiences. I write it again. I am better for having gone through all of this anxiety.
I am much more of an empathetic person. I am less cynical, less sarcastic, more hopeful, more positive and more understanding than I ever have been in my entire life.
There is no ego melting experience quite like a severe panic attack that not only seizes the mind and spirit but mimics all the physical symptoms of immediate death and destruction. This year has changed me for the better.
GOING FORWARD INTO THE UNKNOWN
This year I've made better choices regarding my health. I stopped eating meat in July and haven't looked back. I plan on becoming a vegan, in time. Cheese has a hold over me and no piece of meat can compare to a hunk of mozzarella haha. I'm getting there.
I've also quit and started smoking a few times this year. Today I had my last two cigarettes hopefully forever. I love them but they do not serve me I'm any truly positive way except for being delicious and mentally satisfying. I will do my best to use only e-cigarettes going forward and not cave into lighting another cancer stuck ever again. Time will tell.
I'm also planning on doing more physical exercise in this new year. I know that I need goals and this will be one of them. Not a resolution but a lifestyle choice. I know I will not live forever but I plan on living as healthy as I can for as long as I can. I think I can live with that.
I want to become someone who lives with anxiety and share my story in such a way that I can help other people through my YouTube videos, audio podcasts and social media. Teaching through experience. This is a very attainable and worthwhile goal.
In less than an hour the ball will drop and 2017 will end and 2018 will begin. New day, new year, new me. Cheesy but true. I am OK with Cheesy.
I want to tap into my creative mind more this year than I ever have and become the artist I know I can be.
Recently I came across the concept of unconditional happiness. Happiness in the face of anything and everything the universe can throw at me. No matter what I will be happy. I will accept this life and my impermanence. I will be the best version of myself starting now and until I am no longer a living thing. All that exists is this moment and I will embrace it. Seems like a lot but really it isnt, it's just all that there is. Accept this moment.
I am happy. I am here. I am.
Short, simple and sweet.
I don't really know how to end this so I just will.
Thank you for reading my story of anxiety in 2017 and I truly hope it helped in some way. Be well. Love hard, live vigorously and don't take anything too seriously or for granted. Enjoy this new year and I'll see ya out there!
Lou
