There Just Aren't Enough Cigarettes.

Just one more. Just one more pack. Just one more day. Just one more week. Just one more month. Just until after the holidays. Just until the end of the Summer.

These are things that I've said to myself to justify my addiction to smoking cigarettes. If you smoke maybe you've done this too, or maybe not, maybe it's just me. Probably not though.
I love smoking. I love what a cigarette is. It's a break, it's a time table. It's the thing I do before I do something, it's the break i take from the thing I'm doing and it's the thing I do after I'm done doing whatever it is I was doing. I love them and I know they're killing me. I'm dying anyway, but maybe I'm dying a bit faster. I can't really say for certain, but it I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel that way. Forget the scientific evidence or the actual physical evidence I personally witness like family members dying from smoking related illness or hearing first hand similar stories from every single person I know. Forget all of that. It feels great to smoke and it also feels like shit. Bottom line.

So, what to do? Quitting seems like the obvious solution except for the fact that it has never worked thus far. I think I've quit and started smoking about ten times in my fifteen years of smoking. The most I've gone without a cigarette in this almost two decades is about three months. Maybe a few times too, but still never more than three. I'll say it again, I love cigarettes. I love them. I wish they were healthy. I wish every puff was filled with vitamin C or Turmeric. That would be awesome! I think.

Even now I want to quit. I want to not have another one, but I just did and I will again in less than an hour. I smoke less than a pack a day. This is one of the things I remind myself of when I talk myself out of quitting. I basically tell myself that "I don't smoke as much as other people" I know people who smoke a pack or more a day or even more than two packs a day which I don't so I'm good. I'm better. I'm dying less, or slower I guess. I'm not really sure, but that's probably what addiction is.

Sometimes when I'm scrolling nearly mindlessly through Facebook and Instagram I feel like all I'm doing is wasting time in between cigarettes. Yes, but really just keeping myself from non-stop chain smoking, like I have to wait a certain amount of time before it's ok to light another one up. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing this all day. I think things like, "the cigarette is the best part of the meal" or "I can't wait to be done so I can have a cigarette" It's so normal that it doesn't really bother me, most of the time. Until days like today when I realize one cigarette is too many and a million isn't enough. I don't smoke anywhere near a million, but you get my point.

There just aren't enough cigarettes, but however many I smoke it's too many. I know I need to quit but I don't want to, and yet I do. This is the dilemma. Isn't it? This is a dilemma right? I know this is nothing like quitting something like heroin, even though I've never gone through that addiction and rehabilitation but I just feel like this is not as severe yet I can't or won't make the change because I'm addicted.

UGH!

Sorry, no real ending here. Just ends I guess.
::lights camel blue::
No seriously as soon as I post this I'm lighting one up.

The Louniverse