The first part of this blog was written on Wednesday March 22nd
So, as the title states I believe I had a few good ideas today and kind of all in a row. This makes me feel better and good. When I feel this way I do my best to keep the momentum going so I can continue feeling this way for forever hopefully, but I'll take a few hours if that's all I get.
Today I began my day with the thought of stopping everything in my life and going on an anxiety retreat. I don't really know what that would be or if they even exist but the thought of getting away from work and my everyday life for at least a little while has been on my mind for a long time. Ideally I think I would like a month off but I'll take a week or a long weekend I guess. I'm not what these retreats can be or what they cost or where they are but I know I need to do it. I know I need to get away from the stress outside of me to heal the stress inside of me if that makes sense. I quickly Googled anxiety retreats this morning and saw some links but didn't take it much further than that. I'm going to do more research later tonight for sure. Thus idea of getting away is not quite the need or thought of a vacation. If all I thought I needed was a vacation I could do that easily and a take a few days to go sit in a hotel and drink booze and sightsee and walk on a beach somewhere, but I know I need a lot more than that. I believe I need to go to a place where there is 24 hour structured anxiety healing going on. What that is I have no real idea but just thinking of what it could be makes me hopeful and feel much better. I need help plain and simple. I truly do t even know where to begin but I'm pretty sure I'm where a lot of people find themselves and there are professionals who know how to help so I think this is a good idea.
That idea lead me to this other idea/feeling of "I'm going to get better and help other people get better" I've been repeating this to myself for the last couple of hours and it just feels good which leads me to believe it's right. It's why I make my daily videos, it's why I'm writing this blog, it's why I talk about my anxiety openly to anyone. I want to get better and help anyone else get better too. It's still in the fantasy stages in my head but I actually feel hopeful that I can and will get better by doing this retreat and maybe I will find that not only do I like to help others but maybe I'm good at it and can make a living helping people like me. Is that weird? Am I delusional? Let me know because maybe I am and maybe I'm on to something. I don't really know.
The other great thought I had today was about writing a play about my anxiety. I've got the basic concept in my head and I plan on writing it out and seeing if anyone I know would be interstellar in helping me make it by playing a part in it. I have ideas and I will try to begin this process later tonight.
Now I know this all makes me feel better and I'm in a good mood but I wonder if this is some kind of manic episode or if it's solid and real and lasting. I really can't tell. I don't truly know my mind when it comes to these highs and lows. This morning I woke up unhappy. Immediately. My eyes opened and I was sad and a little anxious. A few hours later I wasn't. The anxiety was still there but I was thinking on these thoughts and now hours later I'm still feeling good.
This blog post was continued tonight Thursday March 23rd
Today was an overall good day. I felt ok this morning and progressively felt better throughout the day. I did get some physical anxiety towards the end of the work day until dinner time but now I do feel fine. I didn't go to an open mic and decided to stay in which normally I would do because of feeling anxious but instead I'm staying in tonight so I can guarantee a better night sleep. I also needed to relax. I've also been researching some anxiety retreats and for the most part I've found a few overseas or on the other side of the country which won't work for me. I can't fly right now. I mean I can but I won't get on a plane. I did find one here in NY but it's almost $5000 a week which is way too expensive as far as I'm concerned. Now, I know there should be no price I wouldn't pay to feel better but money is an issue for me being that I don't have any hahaha. I'm willing to pay a few thousand dollars for a week retreat but I am feeling a bit distrusting of these prices because it does feel like even the most worthwhile treatment can taker advantage of desperate people and although I don't really feel desperate I guess in a way I am. I'm going to do more research tomorrow and talk to my psychologist tomorrow night and find out if she knows anyone or any facility that is trustworthy and might work for me. As for now I wait.
Check out my vlog from today - MY ANXIETY A DAILY DIARY: DAY 35 BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF
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Goodnight,
Lou
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