Living In Circles.

What are my motivations?
What gets me out of bed in the morning? What fuels my fire?
I ask myself these questions on an almost daily basis. I don't really have the answers. All that I do know is that the reasons why I ask myself these questions change from day to day, even from moment to moment. I find my inspiration comes on quick, is all consuming and then fades away just as quickly as it comes on. I get all fired up about something I need to do and how I'm going to do it then I stop.

Not this time. I may not know the actual "answers" or whatever that means but that is no longer what I think life is about. I do not think there are any answers. No real logical ones anyway. I may think there are, we all think there might be but really I don't think there is. We make up own own rules. We are the final arbiters of our existence. I am my own god and devil. My own creator and destroyer. I am the one who says what is right and real and true and so are you. We need to know this now. I need to know this. Instead of going through these waves of knowing nothing then knowing everything. That is bullshit. There is only now and there is only the way that I see fit. Your way is the only way because there truly is no right way. It's imaginary and we control our own imaginations and our imaginations dictate our realities. Simple as that.

Now, who am I writing this for? I am writing this for you? The passive reader? The active reader? The family member, friend, coworker, etc? Or am I writing this for me? I like to think that it's for both me and you, but I'm not sure. I think maybe it might just be for me. I am however going to publish it nonetheless, as you can clearly see. So, then it's for you too.

Life like everything else is relative. My hardship may be someone else's paradise. In Fact I'm sure that it is. My life is not very hard, it's only as hard as I make it out to be. Some hardships are out of our control. Some of us are born into hardship. Extreme poverty, disease, pain and suffering, etc. My life has been relatively easy. I sit here surrounded by stuff, literally stuff. Stuff so plenty that it's covered in dust. Sure I desire more. More stuff sometimes, but more often just more. More of what I'm not quite sure. More success? More money? More love? I really do not know. I read something that someone I know wrote on facebook. It may have been their own or more likely it was something that they read somewhere else from the mind of someone else. Either way it struck me. It was "stop seeing the scarcity in life and instead see the abundance" something like that, but basically there is a scarcity mindset and whether it be about inanimate "things" objects or about feelings and emotions or status or feelings, etc. There is a myriad of "things" that we may seek out to fill our never satisfied hole inside of ourselves. Honestly I think I should stop saying "we" or "ourselves" I know it may be us, but really it is I. Me. I have a scarcity mindset. I know that I do. My scarcity comes to me in the form of "what am I here for?" In this life. My purpose. What is it? Is it something I should even bother myself looking for, or should I just do something, anything? This is where I get hung up the most. The what and the why.

The word that comes to my mind time and time again is "stagnate." A stagnation. Feeling stuck or not moving or trapped. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in this body, or this room or my job or my way of thinking. I go round and round in my head for hours, days and sometimes longer. It's a rinse and repeat kind of a cycle for me. I feel stuck, or something like that, then something hits me. I will call that something motivation and I get a fire under me and I move. Something like with a passion or a purpose but it never lasts too long. Never more than hours. Never even for a full day. What usually happens is I begin motivated and then I get distracted and I stop. I look around and I see people doing things. Things that seems to be driving them, or that their driven to do because it suits them in some way. I feel like almost everyone around me is more in tune with themselves and is following some kind of a calling. I know that this can't be entirely true, but then what is it that I'm seeing? It this just my skewed perception? It probably is but then again I'm not quite sure. This is my cycle. This is my hell. I feel like I've been following this pattern of thinking and acting for a very long time.

When I was young I would think I want to do "blank" and that would sustain me for what feels like years, but I'm not really sure. I felt like when I knew less information I made better decisions. Maybe they were technically uninformed, uneducated decisions but they were solid. At least I think they were, or I feel that they were. My memory is of course skewed as well. I think we alter our memory over time to fit our narrative of choice or to meet up with our place in life in the here and now. Something like that. I'm not really sure, but it sounds right to me, or at least right enough. I go round and round, over and over again. Like some kind of weird ferris wheel. Like my feet are both simultaneously stuck in the mud and never quite on solid ground. It's a strange place to be. I feel like I don't have the answers I need but then I also think there are no answers to have or need or chase after. Just as I stated earlier. I am the final arbiter, yet here I am spinning my wheels.

I could go on and on forever making this blog entry infinitely long infinitely confusing and circular. I'm sure it's confusing and circular enough for all of us. So I will stop here. I'm sure I've written this before but here I go again. I think one of the things that I "need" to do is write. Write this blog, write my ideas, poetry, stories, etc. Just write. Write it all down, get it all out of my head and out into the universe for my own sake and for anyone else who would be interested in reading it as well. I think that is a good start. Of course I'm not sure, but ok, I'm done. Good night!


Lou
AKA The Louniverse