The Subtle Art of Being Alone.

I like to be alone. I also like to be around other people. My family, my friends, social interactions, coffee shops, etc. But, I like to be alone. I like to be left to my own thoughts and my own decisions. Simple things: I like to be able to be comfortable and quiet and eat loudly. Slap my lips with every delicious bite, it's a bad habit according to what I've heard but when I'm alone it's something I like to do. It's a creature comfort I suppose. I like the creaturely way about myself and I think you like the creaturely way about yourself as well. This is not exactly the only reason why I like to be alone, but it's definitely a big part of it. I could go on and on about the best parts of why being alone is great and why I and everyone else enjoys alone time. But, the reason why I'm writing this is not because of the reasons why I like being alone but the reasons why I don't like it. It's a strange thing, doing something I like so much that is so simple as being alone yet there are things about being alone that bother me.

Being left to my own thoughts. Sometimes this is fine. Sometimes this is harmless and innocuous, but when left to my own devices I find that my mind wanders and more often than not it goes to dark places. Not so much the places of self pity or of past regrets but more often to existential wondering and fear of the what ifs of life. I find that I bounce back and forth between wondering when and how I'll die and how painful and slow or quick and surprising it will be. I know, really uplifting shit right. But, I bounce between that and watching Netflix movies, listening to and imitating Tom Waits, then back to self created crisis, then to ice cream sandwiches. It's a weird cycle. I wouldn't call it a vicious cycle but it's certainly discomforting and disconcerting. I think it's safe to hold anxiety, OCD and hypochondria responsible for this but who are those guys really without me giving them life? I'm not saying mental illness is self inflicted, but there is, in my opinion elements of that. Sometimes even the pain is comforting in its familiarity. It doesn't feel that way in the moment, but in time it's clear. Please feel free to debate me on this. I don't think I'm 100% correct but I'm speaking directly from experience.

So, how do I (we) find the balance? Crowds give me anxiety and so does being alone. Where ever I go there I am. But I like to be alone and I like to be in a crowd, sometimes. It all depends on my mood and who's incharge of that? I ask because I really don't know. I think sometimes it's me but other times it definitely doesn't feel like me. But it is, isn't it? I think so. I create my own paradise and my own hell. And hell isn't ever too far away. Even now as I bang away on this dusty keyboard and Tom Waits groans on about some sad set of characters in his beautiful way of doing so I find my mind elsewhere. Even when I'm literally focused on one thing, or maybe three, my mind is running it's own course. I should be in the shower right now. I should be getting ready, I'm gonna be late to dinner, I procrastinate even when I'm doing something of purpose. It's weird, I think I said that already. But, the balance is the key. And balance isn't as Zen as it sounds. When I hear the word "balance" I do think of balance, of peace and tranquility and evenness but it's not necessarily that. For so many reasons, I think I stated plenty. Didn't I?

Balance. It's about doing what you want more than what you're worried about. More than the clawing and tearing of other things, distracting things attempting to distract from my distractions. A cycle, a circle that ended up being mentally exhausting more often than not.

((7 and half hours later))
I had to walk away from this and actually go and take that shower and make that dinner date. I was late. I'm always late, but that's for another blog. It is now 1AM. I have to get up for work I'm less than 5 hours. I am now alone and to be honest sitting in the bathroom. This is my favorite alone space. I get to drop off and drift off simultaneously.  In the hours since I was last writing this blog I had my dinner, came back home and stared at this screen for a few hours. A demonstration of enormous distraction,  addiction and bad posture at the least and at most a gigantic waste of time. I should never had that cup of coffee after dinner. I know better,  but too late now.

In the hours of wasted time I came across something great and appropriate on Instagram, among the other 9 million photos of half naked women, conspiracy nonsense and motivational minutia.  I found a quote that seemed to speak directly to me and directly to the topic of this blog. Why being alone is good, important and how to do it right. 

Here is the photo:

I don't know who this guy is but I will be looking him up.

This thing of being alone left to your own devices and the balance of that seems easy, it seems obvious, but for me it is not. I crave alone time and sometimes dread it. I have spurts of inspiration and action and fun. Other times I sit and dwell on every awful distracting thought that pops into my head. I'm still chasing that balance. Whatever that may be. Even now there is a glimmer of hope that in writing this blog I can find that "something" worthwhile to fill my time, but also there's that thought of death and body rot as I suck down the gray cigarette smoke I know is not doing me well. I cannot just be, not even just one or the other either. It's always a lot and all at once. But, I am working on it.

Have a goodnight/morning.

The Louniverse