Living In Circles.

What are my motivations?
What gets me out of bed in the morning? What fuels my fire?
I ask myself these questions on an almost daily basis. I don't really have the answers. All that I do know is that the reasons why I ask myself these questions change from day to day, even from moment to moment. I find my inspiration comes on quick, is all consuming and then fades away just as quickly as it comes on. I get all fired up about something I need to do and how I'm going to do it then I stop.

Not this time. I may not know the actual "answers" or whatever that means but that is no longer what I think life is about. I do not think there are any answers. No real logical ones anyway. I may think there are, we all think there might be but really I don't think there is. We make up own own rules. We are the final arbiters of our existence. I am my own god and devil. My own creator and destroyer. I am the one who says what is right and real and true and so are you. We need to know this now. I need to know this. Instead of going through these waves of knowing nothing then knowing everything. That is bullshit. There is only now and there is only the way that I see fit. Your way is the only way because there truly is no right way. It's imaginary and we control our own imaginations and our imaginations dictate our realities. Simple as that.

Now, who am I writing this for? I am writing this for you? The passive reader? The active reader? The family member, friend, coworker, etc? Or am I writing this for me? I like to think that it's for both me and you, but I'm not sure. I think maybe it might just be for me. I am however going to publish it nonetheless, as you can clearly see. So, then it's for you too.

Life like everything else is relative. My hardship may be someone else's paradise. In Fact I'm sure that it is. My life is not very hard, it's only as hard as I make it out to be. Some hardships are out of our control. Some of us are born into hardship. Extreme poverty, disease, pain and suffering, etc. My life has been relatively easy. I sit here surrounded by stuff, literally stuff. Stuff so plenty that it's covered in dust. Sure I desire more. More stuff sometimes, but more often just more. More of what I'm not quite sure. More success? More money? More love? I really do not know. I read something that someone I know wrote on facebook. It may have been their own or more likely it was something that they read somewhere else from the mind of someone else. Either way it struck me. It was "stop seeing the scarcity in life and instead see the abundance" something like that, but basically there is a scarcity mindset and whether it be about inanimate "things" objects or about feelings and emotions or status or feelings, etc. There is a myriad of "things" that we may seek out to fill our never satisfied hole inside of ourselves. Honestly I think I should stop saying "we" or "ourselves" I know it may be us, but really it is I. Me. I have a scarcity mindset. I know that I do. My scarcity comes to me in the form of "what am I here for?" In this life. My purpose. What is it? Is it something I should even bother myself looking for, or should I just do something, anything? This is where I get hung up the most. The what and the why.

The word that comes to my mind time and time again is "stagnate." A stagnation. Feeling stuck or not moving or trapped. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in this body, or this room or my job or my way of thinking. I go round and round in my head for hours, days and sometimes longer. It's a rinse and repeat kind of a cycle for me. I feel stuck, or something like that, then something hits me. I will call that something motivation and I get a fire under me and I move. Something like with a passion or a purpose but it never lasts too long. Never more than hours. Never even for a full day. What usually happens is I begin motivated and then I get distracted and I stop. I look around and I see people doing things. Things that seems to be driving them, or that their driven to do because it suits them in some way. I feel like almost everyone around me is more in tune with themselves and is following some kind of a calling. I know that this can't be entirely true, but then what is it that I'm seeing? It this just my skewed perception? It probably is but then again I'm not quite sure. This is my cycle. This is my hell. I feel like I've been following this pattern of thinking and acting for a very long time.

When I was young I would think I want to do "blank" and that would sustain me for what feels like years, but I'm not really sure. I felt like when I knew less information I made better decisions. Maybe they were technically uninformed, uneducated decisions but they were solid. At least I think they were, or I feel that they were. My memory is of course skewed as well. I think we alter our memory over time to fit our narrative of choice or to meet up with our place in life in the here and now. Something like that. I'm not really sure, but it sounds right to me, or at least right enough. I go round and round, over and over again. Like some kind of weird ferris wheel. Like my feet are both simultaneously stuck in the mud and never quite on solid ground. It's a strange place to be. I feel like I don't have the answers I need but then I also think there are no answers to have or need or chase after. Just as I stated earlier. I am the final arbiter, yet here I am spinning my wheels.

I could go on and on forever making this blog entry infinitely long infinitely confusing and circular. I'm sure it's confusing and circular enough for all of us. So I will stop here. I'm sure I've written this before but here I go again. I think one of the things that I "need" to do is write. Write this blog, write my ideas, poetry, stories, etc. Just write. Write it all down, get it all out of my head and out into the universe for my own sake and for anyone else who would be interested in reading it as well. I think that is a good start. Of course I'm not sure, but ok, I'm done. Good night!


Lou
AKA The Louniverse

The Subtle Art of Being Alone.

I like to be alone. I also like to be around other people. My family, my friends, social interactions, coffee shops, etc. But, I like to be alone. I like to be left to my own thoughts and my own decisions. Simple things: I like to be able to be comfortable and quiet and eat loudly. Slap my lips with every delicious bite, it's a bad habit according to what I've heard but when I'm alone it's something I like to do. It's a creature comfort I suppose. I like the creaturely way about myself and I think you like the creaturely way about yourself as well. This is not exactly the only reason why I like to be alone, but it's definitely a big part of it. I could go on and on about the best parts of why being alone is great and why I and everyone else enjoys alone time. But, the reason why I'm writing this is not because of the reasons why I like being alone but the reasons why I don't like it. It's a strange thing, doing something I like so much that is so simple as being alone yet there are things about being alone that bother me.

Being left to my own thoughts. Sometimes this is fine. Sometimes this is harmless and innocuous, but when left to my own devices I find that my mind wanders and more often than not it goes to dark places. Not so much the places of self pity or of past regrets but more often to existential wondering and fear of the what ifs of life. I find that I bounce back and forth between wondering when and how I'll die and how painful and slow or quick and surprising it will be. I know, really uplifting shit right. But, I bounce between that and watching Netflix movies, listening to and imitating Tom Waits, then back to self created crisis, then to ice cream sandwiches. It's a weird cycle. I wouldn't call it a vicious cycle but it's certainly discomforting and disconcerting. I think it's safe to hold anxiety, OCD and hypochondria responsible for this but who are those guys really without me giving them life? I'm not saying mental illness is self inflicted, but there is, in my opinion elements of that. Sometimes even the pain is comforting in its familiarity. It doesn't feel that way in the moment, but in time it's clear. Please feel free to debate me on this. I don't think I'm 100% correct but I'm speaking directly from experience.

So, how do I (we) find the balance? Crowds give me anxiety and so does being alone. Where ever I go there I am. But I like to be alone and I like to be in a crowd, sometimes. It all depends on my mood and who's incharge of that? I ask because I really don't know. I think sometimes it's me but other times it definitely doesn't feel like me. But it is, isn't it? I think so. I create my own paradise and my own hell. And hell isn't ever too far away. Even now as I bang away on this dusty keyboard and Tom Waits groans on about some sad set of characters in his beautiful way of doing so I find my mind elsewhere. Even when I'm literally focused on one thing, or maybe three, my mind is running it's own course. I should be in the shower right now. I should be getting ready, I'm gonna be late to dinner, I procrastinate even when I'm doing something of purpose. It's weird, I think I said that already. But, the balance is the key. And balance isn't as Zen as it sounds. When I hear the word "balance" I do think of balance, of peace and tranquility and evenness but it's not necessarily that. For so many reasons, I think I stated plenty. Didn't I?

Balance. It's about doing what you want more than what you're worried about. More than the clawing and tearing of other things, distracting things attempting to distract from my distractions. A cycle, a circle that ended up being mentally exhausting more often than not.

((7 and half hours later))
I had to walk away from this and actually go and take that shower and make that dinner date. I was late. I'm always late, but that's for another blog. It is now 1AM. I have to get up for work I'm less than 5 hours. I am now alone and to be honest sitting in the bathroom. This is my favorite alone space. I get to drop off and drift off simultaneously.  In the hours since I was last writing this blog I had my dinner, came back home and stared at this screen for a few hours. A demonstration of enormous distraction,  addiction and bad posture at the least and at most a gigantic waste of time. I should never had that cup of coffee after dinner. I know better,  but too late now.

In the hours of wasted time I came across something great and appropriate on Instagram, among the other 9 million photos of half naked women, conspiracy nonsense and motivational minutia.  I found a quote that seemed to speak directly to me and directly to the topic of this blog. Why being alone is good, important and how to do it right. 

Here is the photo:

I don't know who this guy is but I will be looking him up.

This thing of being alone left to your own devices and the balance of that seems easy, it seems obvious, but for me it is not. I crave alone time and sometimes dread it. I have spurts of inspiration and action and fun. Other times I sit and dwell on every awful distracting thought that pops into my head. I'm still chasing that balance. Whatever that may be. Even now there is a glimmer of hope that in writing this blog I can find that "something" worthwhile to fill my time, but also there's that thought of death and body rot as I suck down the gray cigarette smoke I know is not doing me well. I cannot just be, not even just one or the other either. It's always a lot and all at once. But, I am working on it.

Have a goodnight/morning.

The Louniverse

Existence Hurts

I feel lost I feel like I don't know where to go or what to do or how to get there. I guess I felt this way for as long as I can possibly remember. I feel like I live in between realities in-between spaces I feel like I'm in the middle of the place between what is conscience consciousness and the place that we all live in the illusion of life. Basically what I mean is or what I think I mean is I feel no connection to any institution any social group or any collection of people in general and I know that sounds confusing but I don't align myself with any religious group or social group or institution as far as intellectual psychological or otherwise. So what I think I mean when I say these things is everything that we do as a people to me is sort of a grasping for sanity or grasping for something that isn't the dark existential nightmare that is existence or at least that's one way we can perceive it I admit that more often than not that's the way that I perceive it. I live I work I have friends I'm social but in reality I'm at my Center in a constant state of fixation on the end which seems to be the most enormous waste of time yet the most fascinating place to be. Death is the question it, is the question it is the thing that we wonder about the most it is what our civilization and our species has time and time again tried to run from make sense of and even push back with activity with monuments with religions with institutions with theories and chasing after dreams and things like that it's a vicious cycle that I have to or maybe not have to but do run through almost constantly.

I find myself in a place of wondering what my goals are what my passions are what my desires are and I don't ever really know what they are. I like things there are things that I like to do they're things that in the moment sometimes I feel like I even might love to do but for some reason I cannot consistently do them I find myself being in a state of complete inaction I have trouble staying the course with even the things that I like to do it's a very frustrating place to be it's a very frustrating way of living, most people even people who are apathetic have some kind of goals some kind of aspirations they are chasing after even the smallest things the house the family the children the career the car, some thing. I for most of my life have been struggling to find what my thing is and it seems kind of strange I have tons of ideas and I sometimes find myself wrapped up in I guess what I would call them as dreams or aspirations but they never come to fruition or at least I never pursue them and I'm not quite sure why the things that come to mind usually are mostly self-deprecating things but things like I'm too lazy or I'm too apathetic or maybe I'm depressed or maybe I feel inadequate. To be completely honest I'm not quite sure what exactly is the thing holding me back from just doing anything consistently writing, creating art, just doing something something that gets me out of bed in the morning even my job my work my quote-unquote career I do it because I feel like I'm forced to do it I need money I have to make money because without money I can't do anything you can't do anything without money even though I hear things like money doesn't bring you happiness or money isn't everything but it is something I do need some kind of currency so that I can eat food and go places put gas in my car and literally go places but I don't want to be a slave to money but I guess I am and so I get up everyday and I go to work and to be honest at the end of the day I feel a little accomplished once I finish my job I feel like it's okay to relax I feel like I'm fine to do nothing at the end of the work day but there's today, days when I wasn't at work I had the day off there was a thing I wanted to do something simple just tidy up my space clean my room clean up my area make my physical life less cluttered I couldn't bring myself even to do it and then I go through a cycle of well I didn't even accomplish this and now I feel bad about not doing it even though I do enjoy relaxing and doing nothing I still end up in the cycle of not feeling great or not feeling well or just the inaction of my existence.

I'm trying to make this as concise as possible I do feel like I'm rambling and and sometimes it's the rambling that gets the information out and I guess this blog in and of itself is my place to share my thoughts other than with my therapist or my girlfriend or my family this is me basically putting my self out there into The Ether for anyone to read especially those who might be feeling or going through the same things. I do find some I guess comfort or catharsis and knowing that I'm not the only one who's probably going through these things and if someone reads this they can feel the same way that they're not going through it either or alone. I guess I can say that just doing this just writing a Blog sharing my thoughts could be my thing maybe I could turn these lemons into lemonade and I've had this a million times and I go through the cycles of writing for days and posting blogs and putting things on social media that I feel are helpful and even vulnerable kind of exposing myself enough in a less egocentric way but the same time I look at these things in a very cynical way and think I'm just doing the same thing that everyone else is doing on Instagram just showing a sliver of themselves for maybe just attention or for some false Applause of some kind but then again if that's how I'm going to look at things why do anything at all and that's the circle that I keep finding myself getting stuck inside of; do something but do it because maybe I want some kind of Accolade or some kind of pat on the back or some kind of confirmation or don't do it because why do something just for Applause but then again why do we do anything at all. I guess maybe it's okay to have some kind of acknowledgement. Again, I apologize for the rambling here I'm actually not even typing on my phone what I'm doing is I'm speaking and it's typing for me so it's going to be a lot of grammatical errors here I'm going to of course read through all of this and edit it but it might seem a little rambly or nonsensical but I guess maybe this is the kind of blog that's for a very specific group of people, people like myself and maybe I should just really focus on people like myself it seems a little self-centered it seems a little small but then again it doesn't.

I guess I will end this blog with just simply saying this is for me, I wrote this completely for me, this is almost like a creature Comfort just me talking into the ether expecting some kind of catharsis which I have to admit it definitely works a little bit I feel a little bit better and its close to bedtime maybe I'm just tired who knows but also just like I did my video blog pretty much almost anything I've ever done that involved my anxiety or mental illness of any kind I'm putting this out there not just for myself but also for anyone else out there just kind of in a rut maybe at the end of the Rope maybe at the beginning of their rope I don't know but maybe they read this or you read this and think yeah I feel the exact same way and that helps me in some way I don't know how or why but it kind of does, I kind of feel like if me just putting my just absolute vulnerability out there it just feels good, it just maybe makes a difference I don't know that's my whole issue I just don't know. Not knowing is part of my problem I focus too much on having some kind of absolute certainty or absolute truth or absolute Clarity and I guess in reality there's no such thing people just either have great inspiration and go do something or people just go do something and that brings great inspiration we hear the stories all the time people just doing the thing that was kind of a nonchalant leisurely activity and then all of a sudden it becomes the thing that they do every day and they love doing it and I guess my biggest problem is my expectation I think of something and you hear about something or however it happens and I create this expectation and my reality never matches my expectation things are never what I think they're supposed to be or hear they're supposed to be or judging by other people's reactions and perceptions that they share with the world people make things out like oh I changed my life or it really helped me and I do that same thing and I don't really feel the same and I guess I thought that it's about what things do I do that make me feel okay, at least okay, even fine and if on top of that what I do that makes me feel okay maybe makes someone else feel okay, I guess that's good. I really think in our denial of death and our denial of our existence just helping someone else maybe is just the thing for some of us the rest of us maybe not so much I guess there are people out there who are just living life and they're happy and content and they just go about their business and do things, it's not about being a public servant but about how can I take my lemons and turn them into lemonade, it's the simplest thing but it really makes the most sense to me.

Okay well I'm going to start editing this thing because just looking up at the page I can see that the speak to type technology is great but not perfect and I don't want to go through 19 paragraphs so I'm going to end it here if you read this and thought it was shit oh well sorry, but if you read it and thought maybe this sounds like something you're going through or it helped you or if you have some advice for me leave me a comment I'll get back to you, I really want to hear from you and I really want to, I don't know turn these lemons into lemonade basically.

Goodnight!
(As you can see, I did a quick edit so punctuation is nearly gone but I think you got the drift. Right?)

Sincerely,

The Louniverse

There Just Aren't Enough Cigarettes.

Just one more. Just one more pack. Just one more day. Just one more week. Just one more month. Just until after the holidays. Just until the end of the Summer.

These are things that I've said to myself to justify my addiction to smoking cigarettes. If you smoke maybe you've done this too, or maybe not, maybe it's just me. Probably not though.
I love smoking. I love what a cigarette is. It's a break, it's a time table. It's the thing I do before I do something, it's the break i take from the thing I'm doing and it's the thing I do after I'm done doing whatever it is I was doing. I love them and I know they're killing me. I'm dying anyway, but maybe I'm dying a bit faster. I can't really say for certain, but it I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel that way. Forget the scientific evidence or the actual physical evidence I personally witness like family members dying from smoking related illness or hearing first hand similar stories from every single person I know. Forget all of that. It feels great to smoke and it also feels like shit. Bottom line.

So, what to do? Quitting seems like the obvious solution except for the fact that it has never worked thus far. I think I've quit and started smoking about ten times in my fifteen years of smoking. The most I've gone without a cigarette in this almost two decades is about three months. Maybe a few times too, but still never more than three. I'll say it again, I love cigarettes. I love them. I wish they were healthy. I wish every puff was filled with vitamin C or Turmeric. That would be awesome! I think.

Even now I want to quit. I want to not have another one, but I just did and I will again in less than an hour. I smoke less than a pack a day. This is one of the things I remind myself of when I talk myself out of quitting. I basically tell myself that "I don't smoke as much as other people" I know people who smoke a pack or more a day or even more than two packs a day which I don't so I'm good. I'm better. I'm dying less, or slower I guess. I'm not really sure, but that's probably what addiction is.

Sometimes when I'm scrolling nearly mindlessly through Facebook and Instagram I feel like all I'm doing is wasting time in between cigarettes. Yes, but really just keeping myself from non-stop chain smoking, like I have to wait a certain amount of time before it's ok to light another one up. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing this all day. I think things like, "the cigarette is the best part of the meal" or "I can't wait to be done so I can have a cigarette" It's so normal that it doesn't really bother me, most of the time. Until days like today when I realize one cigarette is too many and a million isn't enough. I don't smoke anywhere near a million, but you get my point.

There just aren't enough cigarettes, but however many I smoke it's too many. I know I need to quit but I don't want to, and yet I do. This is the dilemma. Isn't it? This is a dilemma right? I know this is nothing like quitting something like heroin, even though I've never gone through that addiction and rehabilitation but I just feel like this is not as severe yet I can't or won't make the change because I'm addicted.

UGH!

Sorry, no real ending here. Just ends I guess.
::lights camel blue::
No seriously as soon as I post this I'm lighting one up.

The Louniverse