Decluttering Your Life Helps Anxiety.

Is Decluttering even a word?
Yes it is. I looked it up.

Over the past few weeks I've come to the conclusion that I need(ed) to declutter my life in-order to help with my anxiety. I think this will work for everyone, but here is how it's working for me so far.
I have been cleaning up my inner and outer space. Literally cleaning up my outer space. My living space, my dressers, my closet, etc. All of the things that seem to be fine on their own just being where they are. Whether that be laying on the floor untouched for weeks, months or years. Yes, years for some of them. I have a habit of acquiring something, using it then when I'm done with it I leave it in a place that for me seems fine but really it's just in the way. I think there are things I do "need" but if they're not in a specific place then they just collect dust and are in the way. Other things I actually do not need and are just taking up space and collecting dust for no one and for no reason.
So, I decided to donate a lot of stuff to Big Brothers Big Sisters. A great organization that will take almost anything that you no longer need or use and give it to someone who will use it and does need it, but can't afford to buy it.

I started with everything from my old apartment. Everything. Dishes, pots and pans, toaster oven, cups, bowls, everything I used in my kitchen everyday that has been wasting away in my closet for almost six years now. It's weird that these things that sat in a closet pretty much out of my vision and daily life in a way held me back from moving on. It was like each and every one of these items was a kind of a barrier preventing me from moving forward. Here's an example of how my mindset would work and maybe this is just me, but maybe you can relate. You tell me.

I would think: "I need to start painting again!"
                        "I really can't begin though, because I have all of this crap taking up all this space and until I organize it I can't fully utilize my current space." Basically I think because the idea of starting a project or doing something creative would get stifled by the very space those items sitting in my closet took up in my head. Does that make sense?
Here's another example: "I want to record another podcast, or a vlog when I get home."
                                        "First I have to clean off my entire desk, clean off the webcam, get the computer area organized, and grab my other tripod, oh but that's in the closet I think? or maybe it's in a box? Etc"
I would want to begin something and just the literal "things" in my area, whether they be in my actual way or my mental way didn't matter. I cannot think clearly with the knowledge of all of these unused things that belong to me but are not serving me at all existing in some near space of mine. I actually think if I could afford a storage unit I would feel the same way. Even if these things were miles away locked in some garage that I paid a monthly fee for I would still have this attachment to them.

And this brings me to attachment. I get attached to things. Some things for nostalgic reasons. They hold a memory for me or they were a gift. Whether or not I use the items is irrelevant. I have an attachment. But, the issue for me is I find some kind of attachment to lots of things. Useful things or useless things all the same. I definitely have the hoarder mentality. I used to watch that show on A&E and wonder how the hell those people got themselves in those situations. Living in filth, fighting with therapists over the importance of receipts from a decade ago, or just plain old garbage, but I get it now. Me and my family call ourselves "packrats" but we're just hoarders who have yet to let ourselves go fully. I don't think it will ever come to that, but if you ever find me saving bags of my own poop PLEASE SEND HELP!

It won't come to that, at least I don't think so.

I get attached. It's a thing for me and I know there's tons of research about the why and the how, etc but honestly I'm gonna just let my nature be my nature and do my best to do what I feel is right and what works. I think I'm at a place that I can now try things out and if they work I keep them and if they don't I let them go, mostly. It's a work in progress and will probably be that way for the remainder of my life. My attachment is to things and also to ideas. Ideas hold me back, but in different ways, but really it's the same. I'll explain. Things will stop me from moving forward because of the literal physical space they take up both in my head and in my physical world. So by just clearing them up I clear up the space in my head. It's really that simple. With ideas it's not that simple. It's really complicated and to be honest I barely have a grasp on all the moving parts. I do know that I get hung up on ideas. I get an idea in my head like I should or shouldn't do something or shouldn't or can't do something, etc. That's an oversimplified way of putting it but you get it right? A good example is relationships. I want to be one. At least I think I do and then I actually work up the courage to ask a woman out and then actually go on a date and begin the whole dating process and in the beginning they're always great. I feel like I'm being my best self and I see all the other persons best qualities and it feels right. Then something happens, I start getting feelings and thoughts. Really it's mostly thoughts or entirely thoughts and they become feelings. I usually feel love pretty quickly and that feels good. I don't get clingy or anything like that but we all know the "cupcake" phase right? It's the beginning of the relationship where no one can do wrong and we only see the good, etc. You know. Well, I think for most this period lasts months to a year. Maybe I'm wrong. I think for me it's only weeks maybe months. I get attached to the idea of who it is I'm saying I am or presenting myself to be, and I'm not lying, I am this person I say I am, but I'm also someone who likes quiet and alone time. LOTS OF ALONE TIME. Maybe too much, but who knows what that is. What's too much alone time? I like my time alone in quiet reflection while I watch netflix, write blogs and eat. Eat everything. Anyway.

In the last two years or so I've been in five relationships. The longest was a little over five months. The rest barely got passed two months. Now I know these relationships didn't work because we were not right for each other. Nothing toxic, just not right which is why they ended. It's a pretty natural thing really, but I know that I get attached to the "idea" of a person or of a relationship. How I want it to go, or how I think it should go, or what I'm looking for. I really don't know what I'm looking for exactly. That's the honest truth, but I think I get attached to the attachment of those ideas and I get myself into relationships that should probably never be in the first place. Maybe. I don't want to sound like it was bad from the get-go but obviously I'm single so they didn't work. No good relationship ends. It's that simple. Or maybe it's not?! I don't really know. What I do know is that I'm single and I'm not really looking this time. I'm gonna see what happens, and please understand that I'm not even quite sure what that means either but I've heard myself and other people say it and it sounds appropriate.

SO,
I've been clearing up my physical and my mental space and it's actually been awesome. Like AWESOME!
I feel great. I am now currently sitting in that closet that was recently filled with boxes of stuff, but is now a small office that I've created. I moved my desk in here and donated a lot of my stuff and threw away a lot of stuff too. Just crap taking up space and it feels great. I have about six boxes of things that I think I do have a real emotional connection to and will be going through them in the next days and weeks and my goals is to keep what is truly a joy for me to keep and either donate or throw out the rest. Simplify. I want my living space to be where I sleep and create. That is it. And let's be honest a clean space is a happier space. I know we've all read things that go along the lines of "a cluttered desk is a sign of intelligence" or "the smartest people are super messy" etc
I think that's all bullshit. Just because there exists a photo of Einstein's cluttered desk does not mean there is any correlation because behind that desk on the chalkboard was the Theory of FUCKING Relativity. If you're working on some groundbreaking, human evolving, changing of history forever kind of thing then sure be a pig. As the for rest of us cleaner is happier and in the long run will aid in our creativity and DEFINITELY help with anxiety. A lot of anxiety is just being overwhelmed and indecisive and clutter is overwhelming and makes me very indecisive. It makes me stagnate, it really does. I know this could in fact just be me, but I think maybe it's not. Let me know.

Thanks for reading this. I really hope it helped and at the very least you can relate and know that you are not alone in your weird ways.

If you ever want to reach out to me please feel free to do so.

Thanks!

Lou
The Louniverse

The Difference between Truth and your own Truth and How This Can Affect Your Anxiety.

I think we all want some level of certainty in our lives and in some places there is certainty, as far as our lifetime is concerned. For example: Tomorrow the Sun will rise. Maybe not for everyone, for some of us tonight is it. This morning's Sunrise was our last, but the Sun will certainly rise nonetheless. According to science one day the Sun will be gone. Until then it will certainly rise.
We also want truth and facts, but truthfully despite facts being facts and everything else being fiction people have the truth and sometimes have THEIR truth. Now perception may very well be realty, but truth is truth. I know that I want truth and facts, but I also rationalize things that may be fiction into my own version of the truth. We all do this. I think this is why their is still debate over whether or not certain groups of people are actually "people". We see it in our media and in our politics, but we also see it in our everyday lives. Something as simple as a loved one gripping over something someone else did to them, like cutting them off in traffic when they know full well that they've done it to others and rationalize the why in a nanosecond. They had to because of a myriad of reasons. None of which may be fact, but does it really matter? Maybe, but not to them and not to all of us sometimes.

Anxiety is all about certainties that for the most part do not really exist. We want a certainty that we're going to be ok, not die and everything is going to be fine. It won't and we will, eventually. For starters what is "fine" and what is "ok"? I think we think we know what we mean when we want to be fine or ok or good or happy, but really we don't know what we want exactly or what they are exactly. This is why mindfulness and practicing acceptance really do work. They may not always work simply because we can't or won't accept things for what they are. I'm guilty of this, I'm SO, SO guilty of this in fact. I want. I want things to be a certain way, I want to control my realty. This is stress. This is anxiety and so many other problems I know I go through and will continue to go through. You too will stumble over these things time and time again. I feel like every time I learn a lesson or gain experience I'm just faced with another lesson and need to gain more experience and so forth. This will probably continue for the remainder of my life.

Just take a quick look at your social media feed. This is jam packed with opinions posing as facts and everyone you know giving their two cents. This is actually pretty great. Everyone does have an opinion and a view point and from their experiences things to say about their perceived realty, but this is also an infuriating thing. Philosophers, teachers, leaders and memes all tell tales of "the truth". The truth will always come out and shine through all the fiction, or bullshit and leads us into some sunny satisfaction, the end roll credits, but how often does this really happen? Right now as you read this, and I thank you for reading this, there are people just like you and I debating over whether or not the Earth is flat. Yes, I know, but they are just like you and I. They are! lol They found some information, whether it's fact or fiction is irrelevant. They found it and they believe it and once that happens it becomes a part of them. We are constantly forming and reforming our personalities and identities and once we make these changes it's not so easy to change them back, or forward depending on how you look at it. It's a circular cycle and it seems very daunting. Facts or fiction will be fought over. Friend, family and stranger will all verbally kill each other in the comment section over whether or not the Earth is flat or if someone calls themself a he or a she or a they is ok or not, etc. Where do the facts come in? and when do they end a debate? It seems as though every issue will go on forever. This is anxiety.

Inside of your head and my head this is going on. There is fact and there is fiction and we fight with ourselves over and over again. Taking one stand then flip flopping, then playing devil's advocate, then becoming cynical and angry and negative and serving no one and nothing, just fighting to fight. We become our very own troll. A troll who knows our every move and thought just as we make it or even before. It's a fight that can't be won, because we are both on the offense and the defense. This is what I think overthinking is. It's just overlooking facts and truth and what the heart or head says and just going by fear and raw emotion. Now fear has its place and so does raw emotion, but letting ourselves get wrapped up in thought is not good. Too much of anything isn't good right? Well, maybe not pizza. HEY! Don't debate me on this! PIZZA FO LIFE! See! lol

Over the years I have identified several triggers for myself and I'm willing to bet that these triggers may be the same for almost everyone, especially those with anxiety. I love coffee, but caffeine can be a trigger. I made a very strong pot of coffee this morning, had one cup and here I am like nine hours later still feeling it. I'm sensitive to caffeine and I know it, yet I made the damn thing. Social media is a trigger. I honestly love social media and I think we all do, but we say we hate it sometimes because we know it's not great in large doses. Yet, we all consume large doses. Scrolling and scrolling. Seeing funny things and terrible things and anger and fighting and sex and food, etc. It's like a slot machine of drugs for our brains and we just keep pulling that arm. Do slot machines have arms anymore? What is this 1972? I mean, we keep pushing those buttons. Dopamine and adrenaline and serotonin etc.  We don't want to miss out. This is another form of control and basically a level of controlling our certainties. I think on some deep animal level we feel like if we keep scrolling and reading things and watching videos we're safe. The body is getting bombarded with chemicals and it kinda feels good and comfortable so we keep doing it. We all do this. All day long I see notifications from everyone else who is also supposed to be working at work lol. Now, I do have a great advantage, at least I think it's an advantage. I work outside all day. Yes, in the cold and in the heat, but outside in nature. I cannot see my phone for hours at a time and I know that even though I'm working hard and it can be frustrating I feel better in those eight or ten ours a day I'm working. This is positive distraction. I'm not trying too hard to control anything, I'm not looking for certainties. I'm just working on a task and then I move on to the next customer and do the same thing. It's challenging but not too much so and on a beautiful day it truly is heaven. It's the middle of Winter her in NY and there have been some unbearable cold days where I wanted to just quit on the spot, but then a week or so ago we had three days of fifty degree whether and I have to say that I have not felt that good in a while, or at least it felt like a while. I was what I call "in the zone". Now we all know I did not coin that phrase, but that is how I felt. I was totally in the moment and just everything clicked. Every job was smooth, the day went by at a great pace and I was in very good spirits. I don't think this had anything to do with the customers, or the jobs, or any of the same things I experience every day. I think I just felt good and feeling good made all the difference. This is perception clearly dictating reality.

This was the positive end of the spectrum of perception. I made my day good by feeling good. Sure, it was conditional. That condition being beautiful spring weather in February, but I'm not perfect and it felt amazing. I had no control of the outcome of the day but I accepted what was happening. That's it. Sure if it was brutally cold I would have not wanted to accept it and bitched to myself all day which would have made my work slow and terrible. Truth and facts are important and so are certainties, but it's our willingness to accept what is that's more important. If the truth is a meteor is going to slam into North American tomorrow morning, me going ape shit and burning down my own house and causing havoc will help nothing. My last moments will be awful. Seeking truth is important and respecting the facts is also important but also knowing the difference between the truth and your own truth is more important. Being aware of what level of ego you're letting dictate what you believe and how it shapes your perception is more important than whether or not something is one hundred percent fact. I think it's all about balance. Balance is key. I'm trying to find my balance and you should do the same if you haven't already.

I hope this made sense to you and you enjoyed reading it. If so, let me know.

Peace,

Lou
The Louniverse

Anxiety: A Day In The Life

Anxiety.
Sometimes it starts with a bad night of sleep. I will pass out way to early, like before 8PM then wake up WAY too early like 1AM. I try to go back to sleep right away but usually this is futile, so I stay awake and listen to music or stare at the ceiling or close my eyes and toss and turn for a few hours, then just before 5AM I fall back to sleep. I wake up just before 10AM and I feel pretty good. Not great, clearly because my sleep was broken, but OK. Then I make myself a really good breakfast. I throw on some distracting movie on Netflix and drink coffee, in this instance it was too much coffee. I usually never have more than two cups in the span of an entire day and never after like 6PM because it will definitely keep me awake which would just cause me to repeat the cycle of poor sleep. Today I just drank too much coffee period. It didn't bother me right away, in-fact shortly after I felt kinda tired, that caffeine crash almost caught me but I didn't take a nap. Now, I've been awake for something like 8 hours or so, on some pretty broken sleep, on the back side of a caffeine high. This is prime real estate for anxiety and here I am. I am anxious. I am a little woozy, a little uncomfortable, a little uneasy. I'm tired and wired. I'm easily agitated, but I've been here before. Not in a while, but this is still very familiar territory. I took a shower earlier today and in the shower noticed I was definitely shaking a bit. My heart was beating fast and I had to stop myself and breath. Deep, counted breaths. I even had to rinse with cold water for a few minutes at the end of the shower to keep myself calm. I did a pretty good job. My legs were weak walking up the stairs to my bedroom, but I kept it together and calmly, slowly put on some solfeggio frequencies (If you're not sure what that is I'll put a link below, they're all over YouTube and do help ALOT.) and laid on my bed and did some deep breathing until I felt completely calm and relaxed. Deep breathing works!

*Deep Breathing:

1. Take a deep breath through your nose, breathing in with your stomach, for about 4-5 seconds.
2. Hold breath for same amount of time, 4-5 seconds
3. Exhale through the mouth, exhaling with the stomach muscles, for twice as long as the inhalation. So if you inhaled for 4 seconds and held for 4 seconds, exhale for 8 seconds.

Repeat this about 4 times. Longer if you think you need to. There is no such things and too much deep, cleansing breathing. It will make a huge difference. Simply because on a physiological level you cannot be both breathing slowly and deeply and be anxious.
There are a TON of YouTube videos on deep breathing as well. Take a look if you haven't already.

This worked for me today. I did this and I felt better, for a while. I laid in bed for a while then got up and dressed to go to the store to buy cigarettes. A necessary purchase of course. As I arrived back in-front of my house I could feel my body was off again. Nothing too overwhelming, but off nonetheless. I went and drank some water, seltzer to be exact, because I felt like there was a chance I might not have drank enough water today and part of my anxiety revolves around gas in my stomach. I think and feel like if I burp I will relieve pressures and feel better. This is part fact and definitely part hypochondria. I know this, but I will continue to do this until it no longer serves me. After some epic burping and sitting and relaxing in the den listening to my family talk, which alone makes me anxious sometimes, we sat down for dinner. I ate, but slowly and with apprehension. The sensations of chewing, tasting, swallowing, etc kind of feed the anxiety a bit. Again, nothing too overwhelming. I got through that. Poured myself more water, because dehydration, and now I'm sitting alone listening to music and tying this blog. These actions seem to be helping pretty well. I'm distracted by writing about my anxiety, for myself for sure, but also for you the other person going through these same patterns. Maybe today, maybe yesterday and maybe everyday. This is for you too. The music is another level of distraction all it's own. 1. Music is comforting in general. 2. If I fill my ears with controlled noise, like a song, I won't be negatively distracted by the noises in my house, my breathing, my heartbeat, the typing of the keyboard, etc. And of course I'm no more than 1 foot away from water, the life giving hydration fluid of this planet. This works for me. It's not a surefire, foolproof system, but more often than not this works. It took me a long time to figure this out. Despite how simple these activities may seem to be, when you're in an anxious state you are not thinking clearly. I'll write that again in capital letters to denote it's importance.

WHEN YOU'RE IN AN ANXIOUS STATE YOU ARE NOT THINKING CLEARLY!

Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point.

So, in the past when I was in a n anxious state ALL that I did was fight it. I would dive head first into those horrible ideas. You know that play going on in your head where everything comes at you at once and you're both the star of the show and everyone hates you? AND it's all your fault and you're also dieng. That play. Well that still happens but my reactions to this have gotten a lot better. Breathing, practicing acceptance, not indulging those thoughts, not focusing on every single bodily sensation, etc. These may vary for general anxiety and health anxiety (Hypochondria) I definitely have both. So, I'm not doing great right now, but I'm fine. I am fine. I'm not flooded with fight and flight chemicals. I'm not pacing, I'm not crawling out of my skin. I'm tired and a little wired. Not too bad. I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember and two years ago almost to the day I had my worst anxiety of my life. That caused me to become a real hypochondriac. I was back and forth to the doctor almost weekly for months. The whole year was up and down, then down, then up a little, then down again. On new years eve I was genuinely emotional, not cryin, but really happy and surprised that I lived through the entire year. During that year I started a VLOG and documented my anxiety experience almost everyday for about 6 months. I will put a link down below for that as well. It really, REALLY helped me when I recorded those videos and I actually got some great feedback from other people who watched them who told me it helped them as well. THat was my one and only goal. Sure becoming internet famous would be awesome, but my 47 subscribers were there just to hear what I was going through because I think we can all relate pretty well when it comes to anxiety. Check out my channel if you're curious.

I'll leave you with this:

Sleep is the number one most important thing that affects anxiety in my opinion. I say "my opinion" because I'm sure if you do some research you will see that there is a myriad of experts with a myriad of theories, but sleep feels like the most important. If you don't get enough sleep you will be tired, tired becomes exhausted, exhaustion leads to a lot of issues and anxiety is on top of that list for anyone so if you have chronic anxiety it's going to be an issue. My method, if you can call it that, is trying to be in bed on the "right side" of midnight. Meaning, if you go to bed before midnight you've ended your day on the same day. If you go to bed after midnight you're in a totally new day. So, the way that I look at it is, if you're going to bed at 12:30AM or 1AM or later you're already into the next day. You're trying to go to bed on the same day you have to wake up. You stayed awake through a whole day and didn't go back to sleep until the next day. Even if you don't have to wake up until after 9AM, you're still going to bed in the new day. This is not a good idea. Again, in my opinion. SLEEP!
SLEEP, SLEEP, SLEEP! Even I have trouble sometimes following this advice.

I hope this helped, even just a little bit.

LINKS (as promised)
Solfeggio Frequencies
My Youtube Channel

Be well!

Lou
AKA The Louniverse

Living In Circles.

What are my motivations?
What gets me out of bed in the morning? What fuels my fire?
I ask myself these questions on an almost daily basis. I don't really have the answers. All that I do know is that the reasons why I ask myself these questions change from day to day, even from moment to moment. I find my inspiration comes on quick, is all consuming and then fades away just as quickly as it comes on. I get all fired up about something I need to do and how I'm going to do it then I stop.

Not this time. I may not know the actual "answers" or whatever that means but that is no longer what I think life is about. I do not think there are any answers. No real logical ones anyway. I may think there are, we all think there might be but really I don't think there is. We make up own own rules. We are the final arbiters of our existence. I am my own god and devil. My own creator and destroyer. I am the one who says what is right and real and true and so are you. We need to know this now. I need to know this. Instead of going through these waves of knowing nothing then knowing everything. That is bullshit. There is only now and there is only the way that I see fit. Your way is the only way because there truly is no right way. It's imaginary and we control our own imaginations and our imaginations dictate our realities. Simple as that.

Now, who am I writing this for? I am writing this for you? The passive reader? The active reader? The family member, friend, coworker, etc? Or am I writing this for me? I like to think that it's for both me and you, but I'm not sure. I think maybe it might just be for me. I am however going to publish it nonetheless, as you can clearly see. So, then it's for you too.

Life like everything else is relative. My hardship may be someone else's paradise. In Fact I'm sure that it is. My life is not very hard, it's only as hard as I make it out to be. Some hardships are out of our control. Some of us are born into hardship. Extreme poverty, disease, pain and suffering, etc. My life has been relatively easy. I sit here surrounded by stuff, literally stuff. Stuff so plenty that it's covered in dust. Sure I desire more. More stuff sometimes, but more often just more. More of what I'm not quite sure. More success? More money? More love? I really do not know. I read something that someone I know wrote on facebook. It may have been their own or more likely it was something that they read somewhere else from the mind of someone else. Either way it struck me. It was "stop seeing the scarcity in life and instead see the abundance" something like that, but basically there is a scarcity mindset and whether it be about inanimate "things" objects or about feelings and emotions or status or feelings, etc. There is a myriad of "things" that we may seek out to fill our never satisfied hole inside of ourselves. Honestly I think I should stop saying "we" or "ourselves" I know it may be us, but really it is I. Me. I have a scarcity mindset. I know that I do. My scarcity comes to me in the form of "what am I here for?" In this life. My purpose. What is it? Is it something I should even bother myself looking for, or should I just do something, anything? This is where I get hung up the most. The what and the why.

The word that comes to my mind time and time again is "stagnate." A stagnation. Feeling stuck or not moving or trapped. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in this body, or this room or my job or my way of thinking. I go round and round in my head for hours, days and sometimes longer. It's a rinse and repeat kind of a cycle for me. I feel stuck, or something like that, then something hits me. I will call that something motivation and I get a fire under me and I move. Something like with a passion or a purpose but it never lasts too long. Never more than hours. Never even for a full day. What usually happens is I begin motivated and then I get distracted and I stop. I look around and I see people doing things. Things that seems to be driving them, or that their driven to do because it suits them in some way. I feel like almost everyone around me is more in tune with themselves and is following some kind of a calling. I know that this can't be entirely true, but then what is it that I'm seeing? It this just my skewed perception? It probably is but then again I'm not quite sure. This is my cycle. This is my hell. I feel like I've been following this pattern of thinking and acting for a very long time.

When I was young I would think I want to do "blank" and that would sustain me for what feels like years, but I'm not really sure. I felt like when I knew less information I made better decisions. Maybe they were technically uninformed, uneducated decisions but they were solid. At least I think they were, or I feel that they were. My memory is of course skewed as well. I think we alter our memory over time to fit our narrative of choice or to meet up with our place in life in the here and now. Something like that. I'm not really sure, but it sounds right to me, or at least right enough. I go round and round, over and over again. Like some kind of weird ferris wheel. Like my feet are both simultaneously stuck in the mud and never quite on solid ground. It's a strange place to be. I feel like I don't have the answers I need but then I also think there are no answers to have or need or chase after. Just as I stated earlier. I am the final arbiter, yet here I am spinning my wheels.

I could go on and on forever making this blog entry infinitely long infinitely confusing and circular. I'm sure it's confusing and circular enough for all of us. So I will stop here. I'm sure I've written this before but here I go again. I think one of the things that I "need" to do is write. Write this blog, write my ideas, poetry, stories, etc. Just write. Write it all down, get it all out of my head and out into the universe for my own sake and for anyone else who would be interested in reading it as well. I think that is a good start. Of course I'm not sure, but ok, I'm done. Good night!


Lou
AKA The Louniverse

The Subtle Art of Being Alone.

I like to be alone. I also like to be around other people. My family, my friends, social interactions, coffee shops, etc. But, I like to be alone. I like to be left to my own thoughts and my own decisions. Simple things: I like to be able to be comfortable and quiet and eat loudly. Slap my lips with every delicious bite, it's a bad habit according to what I've heard but when I'm alone it's something I like to do. It's a creature comfort I suppose. I like the creaturely way about myself and I think you like the creaturely way about yourself as well. This is not exactly the only reason why I like to be alone, but it's definitely a big part of it. I could go on and on about the best parts of why being alone is great and why I and everyone else enjoys alone time. But, the reason why I'm writing this is not because of the reasons why I like being alone but the reasons why I don't like it. It's a strange thing, doing something I like so much that is so simple as being alone yet there are things about being alone that bother me.

Being left to my own thoughts. Sometimes this is fine. Sometimes this is harmless and innocuous, but when left to my own devices I find that my mind wanders and more often than not it goes to dark places. Not so much the places of self pity or of past regrets but more often to existential wondering and fear of the what ifs of life. I find that I bounce back and forth between wondering when and how I'll die and how painful and slow or quick and surprising it will be. I know, really uplifting shit right. But, I bounce between that and watching Netflix movies, listening to and imitating Tom Waits, then back to self created crisis, then to ice cream sandwiches. It's a weird cycle. I wouldn't call it a vicious cycle but it's certainly discomforting and disconcerting. I think it's safe to hold anxiety, OCD and hypochondria responsible for this but who are those guys really without me giving them life? I'm not saying mental illness is self inflicted, but there is, in my opinion elements of that. Sometimes even the pain is comforting in its familiarity. It doesn't feel that way in the moment, but in time it's clear. Please feel free to debate me on this. I don't think I'm 100% correct but I'm speaking directly from experience.

So, how do I (we) find the balance? Crowds give me anxiety and so does being alone. Where ever I go there I am. But I like to be alone and I like to be in a crowd, sometimes. It all depends on my mood and who's incharge of that? I ask because I really don't know. I think sometimes it's me but other times it definitely doesn't feel like me. But it is, isn't it? I think so. I create my own paradise and my own hell. And hell isn't ever too far away. Even now as I bang away on this dusty keyboard and Tom Waits groans on about some sad set of characters in his beautiful way of doing so I find my mind elsewhere. Even when I'm literally focused on one thing, or maybe three, my mind is running it's own course. I should be in the shower right now. I should be getting ready, I'm gonna be late to dinner, I procrastinate even when I'm doing something of purpose. It's weird, I think I said that already. But, the balance is the key. And balance isn't as Zen as it sounds. When I hear the word "balance" I do think of balance, of peace and tranquility and evenness but it's not necessarily that. For so many reasons, I think I stated plenty. Didn't I?

Balance. It's about doing what you want more than what you're worried about. More than the clawing and tearing of other things, distracting things attempting to distract from my distractions. A cycle, a circle that ended up being mentally exhausting more often than not.

((7 and half hours later))
I had to walk away from this and actually go and take that shower and make that dinner date. I was late. I'm always late, but that's for another blog. It is now 1AM. I have to get up for work I'm less than 5 hours. I am now alone and to be honest sitting in the bathroom. This is my favorite alone space. I get to drop off and drift off simultaneously.  In the hours since I was last writing this blog I had my dinner, came back home and stared at this screen for a few hours. A demonstration of enormous distraction,  addiction and bad posture at the least and at most a gigantic waste of time. I should never had that cup of coffee after dinner. I know better,  but too late now.

In the hours of wasted time I came across something great and appropriate on Instagram, among the other 9 million photos of half naked women, conspiracy nonsense and motivational minutia.  I found a quote that seemed to speak directly to me and directly to the topic of this blog. Why being alone is good, important and how to do it right. 

Here is the photo:

I don't know who this guy is but I will be looking him up.

This thing of being alone left to your own devices and the balance of that seems easy, it seems obvious, but for me it is not. I crave alone time and sometimes dread it. I have spurts of inspiration and action and fun. Other times I sit and dwell on every awful distracting thought that pops into my head. I'm still chasing that balance. Whatever that may be. Even now there is a glimmer of hope that in writing this blog I can find that "something" worthwhile to fill my time, but also there's that thought of death and body rot as I suck down the gray cigarette smoke I know is not doing me well. I cannot just be, not even just one or the other either. It's always a lot and all at once. But, I am working on it.

Have a goodnight/morning.

The Louniverse

Existence Hurts

I feel lost I feel like I don't know where to go or what to do or how to get there. I guess I felt this way for as long as I can possibly remember. I feel like I live in between realities in-between spaces I feel like I'm in the middle of the place between what is conscience consciousness and the place that we all live in the illusion of life. Basically what I mean is or what I think I mean is I feel no connection to any institution any social group or any collection of people in general and I know that sounds confusing but I don't align myself with any religious group or social group or institution as far as intellectual psychological or otherwise. So what I think I mean when I say these things is everything that we do as a people to me is sort of a grasping for sanity or grasping for something that isn't the dark existential nightmare that is existence or at least that's one way we can perceive it I admit that more often than not that's the way that I perceive it. I live I work I have friends I'm social but in reality I'm at my Center in a constant state of fixation on the end which seems to be the most enormous waste of time yet the most fascinating place to be. Death is the question it, is the question it is the thing that we wonder about the most it is what our civilization and our species has time and time again tried to run from make sense of and even push back with activity with monuments with religions with institutions with theories and chasing after dreams and things like that it's a vicious cycle that I have to or maybe not have to but do run through almost constantly.

I find myself in a place of wondering what my goals are what my passions are what my desires are and I don't ever really know what they are. I like things there are things that I like to do they're things that in the moment sometimes I feel like I even might love to do but for some reason I cannot consistently do them I find myself being in a state of complete inaction I have trouble staying the course with even the things that I like to do it's a very frustrating place to be it's a very frustrating way of living, most people even people who are apathetic have some kind of goals some kind of aspirations they are chasing after even the smallest things the house the family the children the career the car, some thing. I for most of my life have been struggling to find what my thing is and it seems kind of strange I have tons of ideas and I sometimes find myself wrapped up in I guess what I would call them as dreams or aspirations but they never come to fruition or at least I never pursue them and I'm not quite sure why the things that come to mind usually are mostly self-deprecating things but things like I'm too lazy or I'm too apathetic or maybe I'm depressed or maybe I feel inadequate. To be completely honest I'm not quite sure what exactly is the thing holding me back from just doing anything consistently writing, creating art, just doing something something that gets me out of bed in the morning even my job my work my quote-unquote career I do it because I feel like I'm forced to do it I need money I have to make money because without money I can't do anything you can't do anything without money even though I hear things like money doesn't bring you happiness or money isn't everything but it is something I do need some kind of currency so that I can eat food and go places put gas in my car and literally go places but I don't want to be a slave to money but I guess I am and so I get up everyday and I go to work and to be honest at the end of the day I feel a little accomplished once I finish my job I feel like it's okay to relax I feel like I'm fine to do nothing at the end of the work day but there's today, days when I wasn't at work I had the day off there was a thing I wanted to do something simple just tidy up my space clean my room clean up my area make my physical life less cluttered I couldn't bring myself even to do it and then I go through a cycle of well I didn't even accomplish this and now I feel bad about not doing it even though I do enjoy relaxing and doing nothing I still end up in the cycle of not feeling great or not feeling well or just the inaction of my existence.

I'm trying to make this as concise as possible I do feel like I'm rambling and and sometimes it's the rambling that gets the information out and I guess this blog in and of itself is my place to share my thoughts other than with my therapist or my girlfriend or my family this is me basically putting my self out there into The Ether for anyone to read especially those who might be feeling or going through the same things. I do find some I guess comfort or catharsis and knowing that I'm not the only one who's probably going through these things and if someone reads this they can feel the same way that they're not going through it either or alone. I guess I can say that just doing this just writing a Blog sharing my thoughts could be my thing maybe I could turn these lemons into lemonade and I've had this a million times and I go through the cycles of writing for days and posting blogs and putting things on social media that I feel are helpful and even vulnerable kind of exposing myself enough in a less egocentric way but the same time I look at these things in a very cynical way and think I'm just doing the same thing that everyone else is doing on Instagram just showing a sliver of themselves for maybe just attention or for some false Applause of some kind but then again if that's how I'm going to look at things why do anything at all and that's the circle that I keep finding myself getting stuck inside of; do something but do it because maybe I want some kind of Accolade or some kind of pat on the back or some kind of confirmation or don't do it because why do something just for Applause but then again why do we do anything at all. I guess maybe it's okay to have some kind of acknowledgement. Again, I apologize for the rambling here I'm actually not even typing on my phone what I'm doing is I'm speaking and it's typing for me so it's going to be a lot of grammatical errors here I'm going to of course read through all of this and edit it but it might seem a little rambly or nonsensical but I guess maybe this is the kind of blog that's for a very specific group of people, people like myself and maybe I should just really focus on people like myself it seems a little self-centered it seems a little small but then again it doesn't.

I guess I will end this blog with just simply saying this is for me, I wrote this completely for me, this is almost like a creature Comfort just me talking into the ether expecting some kind of catharsis which I have to admit it definitely works a little bit I feel a little bit better and its close to bedtime maybe I'm just tired who knows but also just like I did my video blog pretty much almost anything I've ever done that involved my anxiety or mental illness of any kind I'm putting this out there not just for myself but also for anyone else out there just kind of in a rut maybe at the end of the Rope maybe at the beginning of their rope I don't know but maybe they read this or you read this and think yeah I feel the exact same way and that helps me in some way I don't know how or why but it kind of does, I kind of feel like if me just putting my just absolute vulnerability out there it just feels good, it just maybe makes a difference I don't know that's my whole issue I just don't know. Not knowing is part of my problem I focus too much on having some kind of absolute certainty or absolute truth or absolute Clarity and I guess in reality there's no such thing people just either have great inspiration and go do something or people just go do something and that brings great inspiration we hear the stories all the time people just doing the thing that was kind of a nonchalant leisurely activity and then all of a sudden it becomes the thing that they do every day and they love doing it and I guess my biggest problem is my expectation I think of something and you hear about something or however it happens and I create this expectation and my reality never matches my expectation things are never what I think they're supposed to be or hear they're supposed to be or judging by other people's reactions and perceptions that they share with the world people make things out like oh I changed my life or it really helped me and I do that same thing and I don't really feel the same and I guess I thought that it's about what things do I do that make me feel okay, at least okay, even fine and if on top of that what I do that makes me feel okay maybe makes someone else feel okay, I guess that's good. I really think in our denial of death and our denial of our existence just helping someone else maybe is just the thing for some of us the rest of us maybe not so much I guess there are people out there who are just living life and they're happy and content and they just go about their business and do things, it's not about being a public servant but about how can I take my lemons and turn them into lemonade, it's the simplest thing but it really makes the most sense to me.

Okay well I'm going to start editing this thing because just looking up at the page I can see that the speak to type technology is great but not perfect and I don't want to go through 19 paragraphs so I'm going to end it here if you read this and thought it was shit oh well sorry, but if you read it and thought maybe this sounds like something you're going through or it helped you or if you have some advice for me leave me a comment I'll get back to you, I really want to hear from you and I really want to, I don't know turn these lemons into lemonade basically.

Goodnight!
(As you can see, I did a quick edit so punctuation is nearly gone but I think you got the drift. Right?)

Sincerely,

The Louniverse

There Just Aren't Enough Cigarettes.

Just one more. Just one more pack. Just one more day. Just one more week. Just one more month. Just until after the holidays. Just until the end of the Summer.

These are things that I've said to myself to justify my addiction to smoking cigarettes. If you smoke maybe you've done this too, or maybe not, maybe it's just me. Probably not though.
I love smoking. I love what a cigarette is. It's a break, it's a time table. It's the thing I do before I do something, it's the break i take from the thing I'm doing and it's the thing I do after I'm done doing whatever it is I was doing. I love them and I know they're killing me. I'm dying anyway, but maybe I'm dying a bit faster. I can't really say for certain, but it I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel that way. Forget the scientific evidence or the actual physical evidence I personally witness like family members dying from smoking related illness or hearing first hand similar stories from every single person I know. Forget all of that. It feels great to smoke and it also feels like shit. Bottom line.

So, what to do? Quitting seems like the obvious solution except for the fact that it has never worked thus far. I think I've quit and started smoking about ten times in my fifteen years of smoking. The most I've gone without a cigarette in this almost two decades is about three months. Maybe a few times too, but still never more than three. I'll say it again, I love cigarettes. I love them. I wish they were healthy. I wish every puff was filled with vitamin C or Turmeric. That would be awesome! I think.

Even now I want to quit. I want to not have another one, but I just did and I will again in less than an hour. I smoke less than a pack a day. This is one of the things I remind myself of when I talk myself out of quitting. I basically tell myself that "I don't smoke as much as other people" I know people who smoke a pack or more a day or even more than two packs a day which I don't so I'm good. I'm better. I'm dying less, or slower I guess. I'm not really sure, but that's probably what addiction is.

Sometimes when I'm scrolling nearly mindlessly through Facebook and Instagram I feel like all I'm doing is wasting time in between cigarettes. Yes, but really just keeping myself from non-stop chain smoking, like I have to wait a certain amount of time before it's ok to light another one up. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing this all day. I think things like, "the cigarette is the best part of the meal" or "I can't wait to be done so I can have a cigarette" It's so normal that it doesn't really bother me, most of the time. Until days like today when I realize one cigarette is too many and a million isn't enough. I don't smoke anywhere near a million, but you get my point.

There just aren't enough cigarettes, but however many I smoke it's too many. I know I need to quit but I don't want to, and yet I do. This is the dilemma. Isn't it? This is a dilemma right? I know this is nothing like quitting something like heroin, even though I've never gone through that addiction and rehabilitation but I just feel like this is not as severe yet I can't or won't make the change because I'm addicted.

UGH!

Sorry, no real ending here. Just ends I guess.
::lights camel blue::
No seriously as soon as I post this I'm lighting one up.

The Louniverse