IS PARANOIA THE CATALYST FOR MY ANXIETY?

Have you ever been Paranoid?  

We've all heard the term and I think we think we know what it means, but do we?
Or
Do I? 

I know that in my experience when I was younger the term "paranoid" meant the feeling that everyone is after you and you're crazy for feeling that way. People in movies and TV shows would be hold up in a dark hotel room with the blinds shut tight and no one coming or going. The person was also portrayed as someone insanely frantic sometimes.  Screaming and running from invisible enemies or dangers. I guess these characters could have been based on real events or real people but in my life now I know most people who are Paranoid don't really show it. Maybe because it's embarrassing or they perceive it to be embarrassing or maybe they don't even know their paranoid if that's even possible,  which I think it is, but don't know for sure.

As far as it being embarrassing I can safely assume that's a reason because that's why I think I keep my paranoid thoughts to myself and I know I'm not special and others must feel this sane way.
Very recently I've come to the conclusion that not only do I have paranoid thoughts, but also those thought may be the sparks that lights my anxiety a blaze. Hopefully that doesn't sound too dramatic lol.

Over the as two years I've made great progress with dealing with chronic anxiety. Specifically I've been able to become more aware and mindful of when it's happening and why and much quicker than I ever did in my life. I'm a way I think I've been reverse engineering my anxiety, if that makes sense. I'm able to "see" it when it begins and get a better look at what's going on in my head. My thoughts, my conclusions, my exagerations, etc. It's complicated, but now I'm seeing that once something triggers my fight or flight response no matter how big or small my mind and body go into action in creating that narrative,  or story in my mind of "how things are going to go" according to my anxious brain of course.

In the past I would be all wrapped up in the anxiety or even panic before I knew it was happening, which is too late.  I would let the story in my mind bring up my emotions and cause the chemicals in my mind to flow and without really doing much of anything,  I could literally be laying in bed, I would be in a full blown panic attack basically and completely self inflicted.
Just last week I caught myself deep in thought about something completely nuts all because of a 10 second interaction with a stranger.
I'll explain this example to give you an idea of what I'm talking about and how I have deciphered that what I'm experiencing is in fact Paranoia which can and sometimes does lead directly to my anxiety and in the past panic.
In this case my anxiety did not become overwhelming but it was definitely heightened and just so you know, I have not had a panic attack in over a year, which is great for me.
So, here is what happened: 

I work outside. I work for a company that brings me to many locations in a day and I have to work sometimes on private property; shopping centers, company parking lots, etc. 

This occasion I was in a small parking lot and to make room for myself to work I parked half on the parking lot and half on some grass. I thought nothing other than "aren't I smart for making this work for me!" little did I know I "fucked up" and was about to be  told to move. So, Im about to begin my work on a car in this parking lot when the owner of the adjacent company, not the company I was doing the job for, comes out and asks me politely if this was my van. It was so I said "yes" then the gentlemans tone and facial expression changed to anger and he said " ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW! MOVE THAT VAN! AND IF YOU DAMAGED ANY OF MY SPRINKLER HOSES IN THE GROUND I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE I SEND THE BILL TO YOUR COMPANY!" 

I said "ok" and move my van. End of interaction. Well, at least for him. For me it was another story. I began working on the car and for about 30-45 minutes I replayed the 20 second exchange in my head over and over again. I began questioning my judgement. Was I an idiot for doing this? Or inconsiderate? Then I shift over to wondering what he was doing inside of his shop. Was he stewing in there over what I did? Was he planning on coming out and saying something to me again, or worse coming over to fight me. Like, literally engage in fisticuffs? I know this might sound nuts but this is what was going through my head. I even began looking at every face who came and went through the parking lot and into his shop. Were these just customers or did he call one of his "guys" to come and handle me. Walk over to me and begin an innocent conversation only to lull me into a false sense of security and then sucker punch me or jump me or walk behind me and put a bullet in my head. I"m kind of laughing at this all now but that's where my head went, and still goes pretty often. I let my overthinking take me on an emotion journey into the depths of horror and worst of the worst case scenarios. Afterwards I tell myself that this is just too much TV and movies, but it's more than that. I'm able to stay in this frame of mind because yeah these things to happen on occasion. People can be monsters and do the most horrible things over the littlest of disputes. But usually nothing like this ever happens and the media, TV and movies just use the things to sell movies tickets, build ratings and get as much attention as possible. Still, this is where my head goes and it goes there regularly. So far nothing like this has ever happened to me but this is the process of my overthinking. I let myself build up something small into something enormous and outrageous. Eventually my work distracts me enough to move on and I do, but now that I'm being more mindful and aware I notice that more often than not my mind runs wild and it takes me some time to get things back to normal. 

Now, I just want to say that I do always get myself back to center and usually it doesn't last the entire day or carry over into the next day, but it has on occasion. This is just one recent example, but nearly every day I find that my mind kind of runs wild with paranoid thoughts about the worst case scenario in almost any and all situations. Especially if what I'm doing is something that I think is "wrong" or punishable. Like with this guy in the parking lot I felt embarrassed and stupid for doing something that was really just a simple mistake and I let my guilt drive me into the fantasy of a murderous fugitive, or at least what I think a murderous fugitive might go through thinking everyone is after him for his crimes, etc. This can be every morning for me when I'm running late to work, or if I did something I'm technically not supposed to like something against company policy or something I know I was told as a child not to do, etc. I know that might sound a little over simplified but it is usually why I get into this state of mine. So, for example if I'm running late to work I begin having an argument in my head with my manager, or someone higher up on the corporate food chain and I find myself defending myself vigorously. It takes a lot of my energy from me to be honest and in most cases what I imagine and how I imagine it to take place is rarely how it plays out in reality so why all the dramatics? Truthfully I'm not totally sure, but I think it's because I already am an anxious person with an anxious mind, a chronic overthinker and hypochondriac. So my theory is that my anxiety leads me to have paranoid thoughts and my paranoia leads me to anxiety. It's a vicious circle. Only now, very recently have I been noticing the paranoid thoughts and paranoia. Months ago and years ago I would just slip into this fantasy world and it was truly just a big part of my every day/all day internal thoughts. The more I think about it now the more it makes me feel horrible. The one thing that makes me feel better is that I am aware of it now and being mindful is a step in the right direction. The more I'm aware of it, the more I can catch myself sooner and slow down the process and hopefully soon stop it quicker. In the long run the goal of course is to stop it before it starts. Having dealt with anxiety for so long I know that I won't be able to do this overnight, but it also won't take as long as I fear it will which is forever. 

The anxiety, overthinking and hypochondria have been a part of me for longer than I know. A very young age I assume but don't know when it all began for sure. It really doesn't matter when it started, but it is important that I take the proper steps to ensure I continue to heal the way I have been. It's been a long process with big ebbs and flows of hopefulness and hopelessness. In the past year I have been more hopeful than ever but I still have some pretty bad days and terrible moments. My imagination literally runs wild on me. 

So, going forward I am going to do my best in keeping tabs on my paranoid overthinking catastrophe scenarios and hopefully reel them in faster and faster until I'm able to stop them in their tracks before they start or atleast soon after they start. 

What do you think? 

Do you think paranoia is something that could be considered a catalyst to anxiety or is this just anxiety causing paranoia and is there even a difference? 

I really want to hear from you. 

Good luck out there! and thanks for reading! 

The Louniverse 

THE BLIND ALLEY OF PASSION

At 35, my current age I still find myself pondering my passion. My purpose in life, my reason to live. That thing that I'm "supposed" to be chasing that gets me out of bed in the morning that fills my time until I'm no longer living. You know, "that" thing. (I hope my quotation marks are in the "right" places.)

If you're like me, a fellow human, then I'm sure you've pondered this before or ponder it still. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE!? WITH THIS LIFE!? NOW!? or something like that. I think about it often, almost constantly to be honest, but recently I've come to some (almost) conclusions.
I'm "almost" (quotations!?) certain that passion is whatever we want it to be and it can change. It can be your job,  but doesn't have to be. It can be your hobbies, but doesn't have to be. I think it would be nice if it was, but doesn't "have" to be.
I battle with myself pretty regularly about what I "like" and what I "love". Sometimes I love the things I like and like the things I love.  Make sense? I don't really think so either, but maybe you at least understand. Maybe? 

Ok, basically what my thought process is for example: I like/love poetry.
I:
Like to write it
Read and perform it
Sometimes I even like to read it
When I write it, it's when the muse strikes me with creativity and INSPIRATION! then boom! I open my notepad app on my phone and type away until I'm satisfied. If I think it's "done" I will read it at the next open mic I attend.
So, is this like or love?
Like I said I battle between these two ideas of like and love.  

The difference now is that I'm beginning to believe that it really doesn't matter. Like and love seem to depend on my mood, or my surroundings, or the content, company,  etc
The list of variables goes on. It's pretty fluid. So, I think "passion" is a matter of perception and drive.
Perception in the form of how the "thing" makes you feel for however long it makes you feel it.
Like, if something feels bag, E.G. being poked in the eye, you'll want it less. Unless you're into that sort of thing.

 
Or

E.G. something feels good like reading a poem in front of a crowd and getting some kind of enjoyment, catharsis, release of emotions, etc out of it. Then I tend to do that more often.  But, I have noticed that even though I love/like doing this I may stop doing it for days, weeks or months.
I always ask myself "why?"
Then get into the "love/like" debate with myself and end up back in that place. Essentially a place of unknowing which really becomes a stagnant place. I become stuck with not knowing which is right, or good, or real, etc.
That doesn't seem to be useful at all. In fact it causes stress and anxiety.
What I think is true about passion is that it can and maybe should remain in a flux-like state, if that even makes sense. Poetry can be my passion today, but maybe not tomorrow,  but then it can be again in a few days, weeks, or months. You get it, right?
So, I've been playing with the idea of:
1. Letting my love/likes come and go as they see fit and
2. Letting the things that I like to do become the things that I LIKE to do.
Make sense?  (Contact me if not, I'm serious.) 

Now, about drive.
Drive is the part that I find myself getting hung up on. The actual "action" of a thing. Sometimes I get stagnant as I stated before, but also sometimes I think of a thing I really like/love but then simply talk myself out of it based on little rules I have in my head. By "rules" I mean the things were told we can't do, or shouldn't do, or aren't fit to be like/loves. Now, I'm not talking about anything that will harm another person, so if you were thinking that I'm sorry that's not what I meant and please don't hurt anyone and if you think you should, seek help.
What I mean is the things that I like to do that are the things I do when I'm procrastinating and avoiding the "thing" I'm supposed to do like work, as I'm my job, or a task or chore. 

Ok, for example:
I love making fire. I'm a Pyro and have been since I was a kid. Yeah I know it can be a little or A LOT unsafe but hear me out.
IN A CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENT like a fire pit, pot-belly stove or in a place far from the places that can burn down, I will make a fire.
I like setting it up and watching it burn.  Building it bigger and hotter and putting things in to watch burn like toys or fireworks or whatever lol
But is this a passion? Honestly I do not know for sure, but that's probably clear to you by now. I know that I really don't know, but I think no one else really does either. I think those little things that creep up in my mind and seem to take up my attention ARE the things I should do when they pop up. This to me in-of-itself seems to be PASSION. 

A feeling arrives, however it does, but it does then you feel the need to DO something. TO DO THAT THING. That action, that whatever it is. I say do it. JUST DO IT! (fuck you nike, I'm not even capitalizing your name) JUST DO "IT!" 

IT, whatever it is. Light a fire! stare into the clouds for HOURS! Drive to nowhere with no one for NO REASON because there really isn't a reason and that IS the reason. I think this makes sense. 

OK, basically my thought on the drive, perception, like, love, LIFE all of it is that there is no reason and that is the reason. There is no rhyme or reason or purpose that we do not make up for ourselves. I've watched hours and hours of "inspirational" videos on YouTube and read things and listened to audiobooks, etc and honestly it's all good. None of it is "bad" but it's all kind of confusing and contradictory. Listen to Alan Watts and your life will change. Then listen to Jay Shetty, or Joe Dispenza, etc the list goes on and on. All of these people using their experience to relate and help others which is amazing. I love it. I watch them, I'm inspired and for a little while I float on their ideas and get some action under my feet, but it never lasts. I think it doesn't last because I'm lazy. I am, but i also think it doesn't last because it's not my path. It's not my way. My way is MY WAY and your way is YOUR WAY. I think this is the same for passion as it is for life. It's your world do with it whatever you like. Living to the fullest can be whatever you say it is and it will be. Travel the world or don't. Be happy! or don't. It's your ride.

My passion isn't anything specific right now, but something did happen tonight. I got a bug up my ass to write and here I am. It works if you let it, I think. Again, I'm glad you're reading this is you are, but please understand that I am just like you. I do not know shit and I'm making it up as I go along which is great, but also kinda scary, but still great. 

This way of life and thinking, I feel, makes the dark not so dark and the light much brighter. You and I will be dead very soon. Well, not VERY soon, but soon enough and for sure definitely sooner than we'd like. At least sooner than I'd like, you, I have no idea what you're game is. Maybe you're sprinting towards death. If so I say GODSPEED! and I also say BE CAREFUL! try to live a long time! ah hell. Do you baby!

The Louniverse