MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: ENTRY 3

Good Evening,

So, today has been kind of a rollercoaster of emotions and anxiety. I woke up and decided I wasn't going to go into work. I am feeling a bit "off" lately, for the past 3 weeks or so and wasn't really sick but decided I would not be able to perform work today. This bothers me, but I did appreciate being in the comforts of home today I cannot lie about that.

My anxiety today has been up and down. I woke up ok, but as the day has gone on I've gone from being ok to being pretty depressed and anxious to being depressed still and really anxious then back to kinda ok. I know that might sound vague as "ok" and "pretty depressed" aren't exactly medical terms I think you know what I mean. I did not have a panic attack today nor do I think I will. I'll say my anxiety was at worst an 8 and at best a 5-6 on a scale from 1-10, 1 being most mild and 10 being most severe or a full blown panic attack. I do not like the scale of 1-10 rating system but lack another system to use as a tool to describe how bad the anxiety is.

I recorded my daily anxiety vlog today as well. The link is here https://youtu.be/sLq3GWZ0j14

Today I recorded my longest video to date. It's just under 30 minutes which I think is the longest I would like to make the videos but who knows. My anxiety level was pretty high just prior to recording the video but back down to a 4 or 5 after. I wasn't panicking but lately I just feel very, very uncomfortable and unhappy. I hate this feeling. It makes me feel ashamed and unappreciative of this life that I have. It makes me feel selfish and pathetic. I don't want to die or anything like that but most of the time these physical feelings make me so self loathing and apathetic and I end up beating myself up about it. Then late this afternoon the doctors office called me to give me my blood test drug results and they weren't necessarily bad but they freaked me the fuck out to say the least. My glucose index is 6.1 and the normal level should be no higher than 5.5 I was told so I assume I have to lay off sweet stuff for a while but I could have guessed that anyway, in fact I know I have to. I'm not a terrible eater but I do enjoy garbage a little too much I know that. They also told me that my white blood cell count is a little higher than normal so they want me to do a follow up which I'll be doing tomorrow at 5:45pm. Of course this is probably just my body fighting some kind of infection or allergy which makes sense considering some of the symptoms I've been experiencing in the last few weeks. However, this is where anxiety and hypochondria kick in to high gear. My mind went into red alert. I assumed the worst and immediately went to google to find out what could possible be the cause of this. I should never do this and neither should you. I repeat, NEVER GOOGLE MEDICAL SYMPTOMS OR FEELINGS! EVER! I promise you'll thank me later. Of course you should get checked out as I did a few weeks ago and have been following up these past two weeks. Now, I did not find any horrifying information on the web, but the web is just too broad of a brush of information and of course does not know all of your symptoms, etc so please do not do it and I never will again. I am fine now. I'm scared to be honest but I'm fine really. I hate being this way. I hate letting myself get so crazy about anything and everything. Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows and as an adult I know I'm going to have to deal with some really serious issues the longer that I live. I am truly afraid that I won't be able to psychologically do so. I talk a good talk and do my best(ish) to follow my own advice but it's really, really hard. My mind is out of control and sends me reeling more often than not and I know in a way that I am my mind and it is me but I feel as if I have literally zero control most of the time of my thoughts and feelings.

My anxiety makes me essentially afraid of life and doing everyday things. Going to work, having a conversation, standing upright, everything. I was planning on going to the open mic tonight to read some poetry but I am not. I am very inconsistent in doing even the things I love doing the most. I feel robbed of my joy almost always yet I'm not really miserable. This is my norm. I don't know what it's like to be normal and although we can argue all day about what "normal" is I know that whatever I am isn't it. I also don't really remember if I ever was normal and maybe I never was. I do not know. Sometimes I feel so strong, and strong mind and intelligent and ready for anything, but really I think that's all bullshit. It must be some kind of coping mechanism maybe, I don't know. I think I might actually be very weak and out of control and a frightened child trapped in this big body. Even these thoughts and notions are exhausting me. I'm really sorry for this bummer of a blog. I like to think that living everyday to the fullest is the ultimate goal and if I'm totally honest I don't think I've done this one single day in my life. Today is no different and I'll go to bed tonight considering today a loss, but I do so with hope that tomorrow will be better. It's all I can do really.

MY PLAN-

As of right now all I'm going to do is keep myself calm and in good spirits best I can for the rest of the night. I will most likely go to work in the morning and do my best not to dread seeing the doctor tomorrow night. I am also going to keep up with my vlog and this blog and continue to talk and write about my daily experiences and feelings because 1. I feel like it's the only real thing I can do and 2. It does make me feel a little bit better, if only a little bit. I'll take it.
I also plan on bringing up a lot of this when I see my psychologist on Friday night. I like my psychologist and enjoy speaking with her and know it does help a little bit but honestly I don't feel like it's helping a lot and I'm not sure why. Is it just me? or is it just that talking about things doesn't REALLY change them? I do not know.

This is my plan and my story for today.

Thank you for reading!

Lou

MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: ENTRY 2

Good evening!

Today in my vlog I talked about doing the work when it comes to dealing with daily anxiety. You can watch here
https://youtu.be/CSnObeybcJc

Over the years I've come to the conclusion that the little things do matter and do make a difference.  Simply breathing correctly can make a world of difference.  I've come up with certain techniques on my own, some I've seeked out from word of mouth or through research and pretty much know what I have to do on a daily basis in order to keep the anxiety at bay and enjoy "normal" days. It just takes doing the work, consistently which for me is easier said than done.

The number one most important thing is getting a good night sleep! I cannot stress this enough. I am one of the worst sleepers. I literally do not want to go to sleep most days, but sleep is so important and crucial. It's the last thing you can do in your day to ensure the next day has a fighting chance at being a day with little to no anxiety. Waking up for work or in general with little to no sleep is terrible for you and perfect for anxiety. Being tired opens the flood gates for body aches,  head ache, uncomfortability, being short tempered,  frustrated, exhausted and of course anxious.  Lack of sleep allows you to begin your day, which could be a long day depending on your profession or whatever curveball the universe throws in your direction that day on a terrible note. This simple thing sleep is so incredibly important and fundamental to keeping a clear head and controlling your thoughts and feelings that without a goodnight sleep I will say it's nearly impossible NOT to have high general anxiety or even a panic attack that day. Sleep sleep SLEEP!  Tonight make sure you get at least 6-8 hours of sleep, 6 hours being the absolute minimum. 

I also found that taking a minute before starting something is key. Before driving in your car, sit there, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Do this when you wake up, before you walk into work, before you leave work and before you walk into your house. Before you do anything, take a moment. 30 seconds to just digest the moment, breath and then begin whatever it is you're doing.  This definitely helps. It's not as important as sleep but it does make a difference.  We're all in a huge rush all the time which is prime breeding ground for anxiety. I'm sure you already know this but I think it needs to be said. Take a moment, it can't hurt. Even if you're like me and constantly rushing because you're late. What's another minute gonna cost? Be one more minute late and take your breath. You deserve it.

I also try to meditate at least once a day for at least 5 minutes. Usually when I wake up. I am not being very consistent but I am trying. It's a work in progress,  obviously. 

I'm gonna stop here for tonight.  I hope you enjoyed reading this and I hope it helped, even a little bit.

Thank you and have a goodnight!

Lou

MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: ENTRY 1

Hello. My name is Lou and I have been dealing with anxiety both physically and mentally for as long as I can remember.  I am an overthinker with obsessive thoughts. I have what is now called health anxiety. My body tells me I'm going to die almost everyday, but here I am. It's exhausting. My mind is no better. It tells me too many things to keep up with, obsesses over every little thing that it shouldn't and usually takes me along for the ride despite me knowing this and doing my best to not take that ride. I do my best (ish). I've been aware about this anxiety since I was in my early 20's, I'm now 33. I'm also fairly certain I was having symptoms of anxiety as early as 12 years old. I consider myself a sensitive type, maybe even hypersensitive.  I'm so in touch with my body that I obsess about every little thing and have been getting worse over the years spanning from that young age. After all these years of "dealing" with this essentially on my own I decided to begin seeing a psychologist in August of last year. It has helped some. My anxiety seemed to lighten up until very recently. For the better part of the last 6 months I was having mostly good days. Anxiety wasn't gone, but my general anxiety was low and panic attacks were at worst a few times a month. Prior to seeing the psychologist my general anxiety was peaked every single day,  my sleep was no more than 3-4 hours a night sometimes less or none and I was living on edge every single second of the day. This was my normal. I was so used to this state that it really did not bother me as bad as it sounds. I've always had a full time job, friends, girlfriend, etc. I just kept it to myself and dealt with it, poorly, but quietly.

This past month I've been dealing with some new physical symptoms. Dizziness,  weakness in my legs, abdominal pain and some others I won't go into right now. Not because they're disgusting or indescribable but because I honestly could go on for another paragraph about them. This is hypochondria.  Another unfortunate symptom. I saw a doctor and was told alot of this stems from seasonal  allergies, which I've never had before in my life. I was prescribed over the counter Claritin and most of the symptoms have since gone away which did ease my mind. With anxiety easing my mind is the only way I can truly heal or move on. However I'm still slightly off balance and achy and just feeling off.

So....I've begun making daily vlog entries on youtube titled: MY ANXIETY A DAILY DIARY. My goal is to record 1 video a day for 30 days. Today I recorded number 17 and tonight I've decided to start this blog. I find that recording myself talking about the anxiety helps a lot. A whole lot. I highly recommend it even if you don't want to ever show or watch the video ever again. Just talking about my daily symptoms out loud each day helps me. It makes me feel better even if only for a few hours it helps. This too is helping. Writing this is giving me something to focus on other than the feelings in my chest, shoulders, neck, head, legs, all over etc and the thoughts slow or fade while I'm writing this. This helps. Do it yourself and see.

My new goal is to write a blog entry everyday as well. Once a day for 30 days, or as long as it takes.  Whatever that means. I'm slowly approaching my goal of 30 days with my vlog and know I'll continue past that 30 day mark. I guess my ultimate goal is to help myself while simultaneously helping anyone I can if I can by posting these videos and blogs to the public. If you're reading this and you can relate to it and it's helped in anyway I consider that a win. Please feel free to leave me any comments or questions.  I look forward to answering them and turning this one sided out pouring of feelings into a dialogue.  I like to think that what I'm doing here isn't just another piece of data taking up hyperspace on the internet but something that is good and I can be proud of. Something that makes me happy and leaves this world a little bit better than how I found it.

Here's the link to today's video entry - https://youtu.be/cXCxZjBjlUY

Thank you for reading this and have a good night!

Lou

Linger

The setting sun pushed away the gray clouds and let in a few lasting minutes of sunlight before welcoming the purple darkness.

A mild night of scattered clouds let loose the bright stars floating in a midnight blue murk.
A night the wind could claim for it's own.

An instabilty we're becoming so used to now.

No snow

No cold

No knowing what tomorrow will bring.

Fall, Spring and Winter all seem to be jockeying for the same seat in a game of musical chairs.
The music has stopped but neither of them wants to make the first move.

The onlookers can't bare to watch and can't find the exit.

Will the grass be green tomorrow or lay dying under a foot of snow?
Will my body catch up to the ever changing climates and confused seasons?

It's so hard to feel the comfort of a season nearing it's end when you're not even sure if it's actually begun.

The uncomfortable darkness outside breeds bad feelings and makes suspicious the buzzing tubes illuminating the indoors.
All these shadows seem fabricated.

The windows like mirrors reflect back the animals trapt inside.

Is that me in the wall?

Does anyone else see this?

We're just frowns passing by breathing the day away.
Who's a friend when chit chat is all you hear and outside confusion lingers like poison gas.