ALL YOU TOUCH AND ALL YOU SEE IS ALL YOUR LIFE WILL EVER BE.

Kudos to you if you figured out the title of this blog post are lyrics from the Pink Floyd song Breathe from their amazing album Dark Side of the Moon.
I did not steal it, I'm merely borrowing it to make a point. You'll see (maybe, I make no promises)

If you don't know the song please give it a listen. Below are the lyrics.  Read them.

"Breathe, breathe in the air
Don't be afraid to care
Leave but don't leave me
Look around, choose your own ground
For long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all your touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be

Run, rabbit run
Dig that hole, forget the sun
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down, it's time to dig another one
For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave"

Today I was driving and listening to the album for maybe the 500th time, or something like that. I've listened to these songs quite a few times and I've always knew that this song has something to do with "life" in general. Living and dieing, the rat race, our misplaced time, etc.
But
Today I was listening and that line hit me a little different than usual. "All you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be"
I was just thinking
"Yes, that must be right" it just hit me.
These lyrics can be interpreted in a million ways I know and believe me they are. I did a little research today and checked out one of those song lyric meaning forums and it's chock full of other people's opinions of the song which is fine. They were all pretty much on the same page give or take a few details. Just like any anxiety forum ironically.

To me that line means a few things. It has to do with the physical and the mental.
Physically: Whatever you see, your surroundings, the people in your life, your job, the places you choose to go and situations you choose to take part in will be your life.  Constantly surrounding yourself with assholes? Well guess what?! You're probably one of them.  Hanging out with deadbeats?
You get it.
Mentally: Whatever you think about all the time will be your realty.
Your outlook
Your concerns
Your dreams
Fears
Etc

It brought me back to the post I wrote yesterday about fear.
All I think about is my fear or how I'm  getting over my fear.
My anxiety or how I'm getting over it or past it.
Breathing exercises to calm down
Meditation
Thought replacement
All the "bad" things in my head AND all the "good" things that I do to get past the bad things really amount to the same thing.
Everything on my mind is anxiety or anxiety related. 
Fear based of some kind.

Now I know I'm in the process of healing and maybe so are you. Don't get stressed I'm not saying these methods of healing are wrong but understand that they are still part of anxiety and connected to it.
Just like methadone is connected to heroin or nicotine vape pens are connected to cigarettes. 
Meditation is a great practice for a healthy peaceful life and so is breathing exercises and eating healthy, etc
But
They must exist in their own right in my life because as long as they are in place to help rid myself of anxiety or take the place of anxiety, Anxiety is still in my life big time.
I don't want to end up in a constant struggle with anxiety for the rest of my life. Surrender and acceptance seem to be the best methods but I want to take it a step farther.
I do not know what that is yet.  Sorry. I'm still working this shit out too.

I just know that I don't want to end up like the rabbit in the song
In an early grave

I know the grave will be the place I will end up as will the rest of us but I just want to make sure I'm not sitting somewhere alone with a tense body biting my nails and rocking back and forth in a worry some anxious state as I die. 

I don't know how I'd "like" to die but I do know how I don't want to go, especially if the way I least want to go is as avoidable as anxiety.

I hope this wasn't too bleak. Thank you for reading!

As always I'd love to hear from you.

Sincerely,

Lou Raio
AKA 
The Louniverse

MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: ENTRY 3

Good Evening,

So, today has been kind of a rollercoaster of emotions and anxiety. I woke up and decided I wasn't going to go into work. I am feeling a bit "off" lately, for the past 3 weeks or so and wasn't really sick but decided I would not be able to perform work today. This bothers me, but I did appreciate being in the comforts of home today I cannot lie about that.

My anxiety today has been up and down. I woke up ok, but as the day has gone on I've gone from being ok to being pretty depressed and anxious to being depressed still and really anxious then back to kinda ok. I know that might sound vague as "ok" and "pretty depressed" aren't exactly medical terms I think you know what I mean. I did not have a panic attack today nor do I think I will. I'll say my anxiety was at worst an 8 and at best a 5-6 on a scale from 1-10, 1 being most mild and 10 being most severe or a full blown panic attack. I do not like the scale of 1-10 rating system but lack another system to use as a tool to describe how bad the anxiety is.

I recorded my daily anxiety vlog today as well. The link is here https://youtu.be/sLq3GWZ0j14

Today I recorded my longest video to date. It's just under 30 minutes which I think is the longest I would like to make the videos but who knows. My anxiety level was pretty high just prior to recording the video but back down to a 4 or 5 after. I wasn't panicking but lately I just feel very, very uncomfortable and unhappy. I hate this feeling. It makes me feel ashamed and unappreciative of this life that I have. It makes me feel selfish and pathetic. I don't want to die or anything like that but most of the time these physical feelings make me so self loathing and apathetic and I end up beating myself up about it. Then late this afternoon the doctors office called me to give me my blood test drug results and they weren't necessarily bad but they freaked me the fuck out to say the least. My glucose index is 6.1 and the normal level should be no higher than 5.5 I was told so I assume I have to lay off sweet stuff for a while but I could have guessed that anyway, in fact I know I have to. I'm not a terrible eater but I do enjoy garbage a little too much I know that. They also told me that my white blood cell count is a little higher than normal so they want me to do a follow up which I'll be doing tomorrow at 5:45pm. Of course this is probably just my body fighting some kind of infection or allergy which makes sense considering some of the symptoms I've been experiencing in the last few weeks. However, this is where anxiety and hypochondria kick in to high gear. My mind went into red alert. I assumed the worst and immediately went to google to find out what could possible be the cause of this. I should never do this and neither should you. I repeat, NEVER GOOGLE MEDICAL SYMPTOMS OR FEELINGS! EVER! I promise you'll thank me later. Of course you should get checked out as I did a few weeks ago and have been following up these past two weeks. Now, I did not find any horrifying information on the web, but the web is just too broad of a brush of information and of course does not know all of your symptoms, etc so please do not do it and I never will again. I am fine now. I'm scared to be honest but I'm fine really. I hate being this way. I hate letting myself get so crazy about anything and everything. Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows and as an adult I know I'm going to have to deal with some really serious issues the longer that I live. I am truly afraid that I won't be able to psychologically do so. I talk a good talk and do my best(ish) to follow my own advice but it's really, really hard. My mind is out of control and sends me reeling more often than not and I know in a way that I am my mind and it is me but I feel as if I have literally zero control most of the time of my thoughts and feelings.

My anxiety makes me essentially afraid of life and doing everyday things. Going to work, having a conversation, standing upright, everything. I was planning on going to the open mic tonight to read some poetry but I am not. I am very inconsistent in doing even the things I love doing the most. I feel robbed of my joy almost always yet I'm not really miserable. This is my norm. I don't know what it's like to be normal and although we can argue all day about what "normal" is I know that whatever I am isn't it. I also don't really remember if I ever was normal and maybe I never was. I do not know. Sometimes I feel so strong, and strong mind and intelligent and ready for anything, but really I think that's all bullshit. It must be some kind of coping mechanism maybe, I don't know. I think I might actually be very weak and out of control and a frightened child trapped in this big body. Even these thoughts and notions are exhausting me. I'm really sorry for this bummer of a blog. I like to think that living everyday to the fullest is the ultimate goal and if I'm totally honest I don't think I've done this one single day in my life. Today is no different and I'll go to bed tonight considering today a loss, but I do so with hope that tomorrow will be better. It's all I can do really.

MY PLAN-

As of right now all I'm going to do is keep myself calm and in good spirits best I can for the rest of the night. I will most likely go to work in the morning and do my best not to dread seeing the doctor tomorrow night. I am also going to keep up with my vlog and this blog and continue to talk and write about my daily experiences and feelings because 1. I feel like it's the only real thing I can do and 2. It does make me feel a little bit better, if only a little bit. I'll take it.
I also plan on bringing up a lot of this when I see my psychologist on Friday night. I like my psychologist and enjoy speaking with her and know it does help a little bit but honestly I don't feel like it's helping a lot and I'm not sure why. Is it just me? or is it just that talking about things doesn't REALLY change them? I do not know.

This is my plan and my story for today.

Thank you for reading!

Lou

MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: ENTRY 2

Good evening!

Today in my vlog I talked about doing the work when it comes to dealing with daily anxiety. You can watch here
https://youtu.be/CSnObeybcJc

Over the years I've come to the conclusion that the little things do matter and do make a difference.  Simply breathing correctly can make a world of difference.  I've come up with certain techniques on my own, some I've seeked out from word of mouth or through research and pretty much know what I have to do on a daily basis in order to keep the anxiety at bay and enjoy "normal" days. It just takes doing the work, consistently which for me is easier said than done.

The number one most important thing is getting a good night sleep! I cannot stress this enough. I am one of the worst sleepers. I literally do not want to go to sleep most days, but sleep is so important and crucial. It's the last thing you can do in your day to ensure the next day has a fighting chance at being a day with little to no anxiety. Waking up for work or in general with little to no sleep is terrible for you and perfect for anxiety. Being tired opens the flood gates for body aches,  head ache, uncomfortability, being short tempered,  frustrated, exhausted and of course anxious.  Lack of sleep allows you to begin your day, which could be a long day depending on your profession or whatever curveball the universe throws in your direction that day on a terrible note. This simple thing sleep is so incredibly important and fundamental to keeping a clear head and controlling your thoughts and feelings that without a goodnight sleep I will say it's nearly impossible NOT to have high general anxiety or even a panic attack that day. Sleep sleep SLEEP!  Tonight make sure you get at least 6-8 hours of sleep, 6 hours being the absolute minimum. 

I also found that taking a minute before starting something is key. Before driving in your car, sit there, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Do this when you wake up, before you walk into work, before you leave work and before you walk into your house. Before you do anything, take a moment. 30 seconds to just digest the moment, breath and then begin whatever it is you're doing.  This definitely helps. It's not as important as sleep but it does make a difference.  We're all in a huge rush all the time which is prime breeding ground for anxiety. I'm sure you already know this but I think it needs to be said. Take a moment, it can't hurt. Even if you're like me and constantly rushing because you're late. What's another minute gonna cost? Be one more minute late and take your breath. You deserve it.

I also try to meditate at least once a day for at least 5 minutes. Usually when I wake up. I am not being very consistent but I am trying. It's a work in progress,  obviously. 

I'm gonna stop here for tonight.  I hope you enjoyed reading this and I hope it helped, even a little bit.

Thank you and have a goodnight!

Lou

MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: ENTRY 1

Hello. My name is Lou and I have been dealing with anxiety both physically and mentally for as long as I can remember.  I am an overthinker with obsessive thoughts. I have what is now called health anxiety. My body tells me I'm going to die almost everyday, but here I am. It's exhausting. My mind is no better. It tells me too many things to keep up with, obsesses over every little thing that it shouldn't and usually takes me along for the ride despite me knowing this and doing my best to not take that ride. I do my best (ish). I've been aware about this anxiety since I was in my early 20's, I'm now 33. I'm also fairly certain I was having symptoms of anxiety as early as 12 years old. I consider myself a sensitive type, maybe even hypersensitive.  I'm so in touch with my body that I obsess about every little thing and have been getting worse over the years spanning from that young age. After all these years of "dealing" with this essentially on my own I decided to begin seeing a psychologist in August of last year. It has helped some. My anxiety seemed to lighten up until very recently. For the better part of the last 6 months I was having mostly good days. Anxiety wasn't gone, but my general anxiety was low and panic attacks were at worst a few times a month. Prior to seeing the psychologist my general anxiety was peaked every single day,  my sleep was no more than 3-4 hours a night sometimes less or none and I was living on edge every single second of the day. This was my normal. I was so used to this state that it really did not bother me as bad as it sounds. I've always had a full time job, friends, girlfriend, etc. I just kept it to myself and dealt with it, poorly, but quietly.

This past month I've been dealing with some new physical symptoms. Dizziness,  weakness in my legs, abdominal pain and some others I won't go into right now. Not because they're disgusting or indescribable but because I honestly could go on for another paragraph about them. This is hypochondria.  Another unfortunate symptom. I saw a doctor and was told alot of this stems from seasonal  allergies, which I've never had before in my life. I was prescribed over the counter Claritin and most of the symptoms have since gone away which did ease my mind. With anxiety easing my mind is the only way I can truly heal or move on. However I'm still slightly off balance and achy and just feeling off.

So....I've begun making daily vlog entries on youtube titled: MY ANXIETY A DAILY DIARY. My goal is to record 1 video a day for 30 days. Today I recorded number 17 and tonight I've decided to start this blog. I find that recording myself talking about the anxiety helps a lot. A whole lot. I highly recommend it even if you don't want to ever show or watch the video ever again. Just talking about my daily symptoms out loud each day helps me. It makes me feel better even if only for a few hours it helps. This too is helping. Writing this is giving me something to focus on other than the feelings in my chest, shoulders, neck, head, legs, all over etc and the thoughts slow or fade while I'm writing this. This helps. Do it yourself and see.

My new goal is to write a blog entry everyday as well. Once a day for 30 days, or as long as it takes.  Whatever that means. I'm slowly approaching my goal of 30 days with my vlog and know I'll continue past that 30 day mark. I guess my ultimate goal is to help myself while simultaneously helping anyone I can if I can by posting these videos and blogs to the public. If you're reading this and you can relate to it and it's helped in anyway I consider that a win. Please feel free to leave me any comments or questions.  I look forward to answering them and turning this one sided out pouring of feelings into a dialogue.  I like to think that what I'm doing here isn't just another piece of data taking up hyperspace on the internet but something that is good and I can be proud of. Something that makes me happy and leaves this world a little bit better than how I found it.

Here's the link to today's video entry - https://youtu.be/cXCxZjBjlUY

Thank you for reading this and have a good night!

Lou

Operation Grow My Own Hemp: DEVASTATION!

So, it seems this second attempt is not a success as well. I don't know what went wrong. I had 12 germinated seeds. I had "good" as far as I know top soil. I watered them everyday. The soil was not too moist, it was not too dry. I even covered it with some bubble wrap, leaving plenty of room for ventilation, to give it the greenhouse effect and keep the soil as moist and warm as possible and ward off small critters and after 5 days this is what I'm left with. 

The soil was still moist, but as I dug through it to see if any of the seeds began to take root which none of them did I noticed the soil had a bad smell. Like a bad water smell. So, the only educated guess I can make is that the soil itself was maybe packed too tight or the seeds even though they germinated may have sat in the water glass for a little too long. I don't know for sure. If you have any kind of green thumb and can pass along your two cents I greatly appreciate it. 

Since I planted these seeds last Saturday night I have picked several dozen more seeds and placed them in water to germinate them but none of them did. So, I will this weekend attempt for a third time to germinate more seeds and then plant them in the hopes of growing my own hemp. It's all about trial and error and I've got the error part down pretty good the only problem is that I'm not quite sure what my errors could be. I will try again. I will before this Summer is over grow my own hemp. MARK MY WARDS MOTHER NATURE! I WILL WIN THIS DAY! 

Wish me luck and thanks for reading! 

The Louniverse. 

Operation grow my own hemp: THE GERMINATION!

THE SEEDS HAVE GERMINATED! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!



After three days of letting about one hundred hemp seeds soak in water, twelve of them have germinated with visible shoots sticking out. I attempted to take a photo last night of the seeds but my phone was too low on battery power and would not let me take the stinking shot! So, I have attached a photo I found on the internet of germinated hemp seeds with shoots showing because it turns out they all look the goddamn same. I put all twelve seeds into wet soil last night and they have been sitting in the sunlight all day. I am very confident that I will have twelve little hemp plants by the end of this week.

I also took the remaining seeds and placed them in soil in a red solo cup. I'm calling them "Plan B hail mary seeds." If they grow something, GREAT!, if not I won't be too bummed out. If half of the germinated seeds survive the elements, the animals and my incredible procrastination I will be VERY PLEASED!

The animals are my biggest concern. Everything can go great but if the birds or squirrels get their bloody snouts and beaks into my soil they will cause devastation. If need be I will resort to thermonuclear weapons, but only if it gets to that. I may experiment with the green bubble wrap again as an added protection and for the greenhouse effect as well. I don't know if the bubble wrap made a difference last time because nothing grew with and without the wrap so it will just be that, an experiment. At the very least it will keep the monsters away. 

I will keep you updated! Until next time...Good morning, good evening and good night!

The Louniverse

Operation grown my own hemp: PART DEUX

Hello to everyone who read my previous OGMH blogs! If you've been wondering what happened, well my first experiment was not a success. The few seeds I had did not take root or grow into anything. I found a few more and attempted to leave them in water as to germinate the seeds but none of them grew roots. They were just too old, too dry or both! 

So, I ordered more hemp as you see in the photo. This is organic CBD hemp. It contains zero THC and can be used for tea, oils, food and drink, etc. I am going to use it for all of the above but I am going to germinate as many of these hundreds of seeds and attempt to grow my hemp. I have the science! I have the tech! IT SHALL BE DONE! or at least I'll give it a good old fashioned try. Who knows! Maybe I'll be the next big hemp grower in the US or just have a backyard full of suspicious looking plants. Only time will tell. I'm going to separate them from the buds tonight and place some in a cup of water. In a few days I will know if they're germinated and I will keep you posted. 

HAIL HYDRA!

Sincerely,

The Louniverse

Operation grow my own hemp: Memorial day weekend edition

HAPPY MONDAY NIGHT LOUNIVERSE UNIVERSE!

So, we're in the final moments of a long weekend, if you didn't get to have a long weekend I apologize and gladly rise up with you against your employer who I assume is Scrooge McDuck! DEATH TO THE DUCK! If you did get to have a long weekend I hope it was relaxing, fun filled and family centric or not depending on your family lol.

Moving on. If you've been following these last few blog posts about my adventures in growing my own hemp then lasty you read there was no real news to report, well unfortunately nothing is growing yet, but I did try a few different things. I removed the plastic covering in the hopes this will allow more sun and help with the moisture levels in the soil. I was home all day Sunday and all day today so I made sure to keep fresh water in the soil and move the pan into direct sunlight whenever the sun was out. Today was pretty cloudy and rainy so not so much today but yesterday I must have moved the pan 5 times. Still no visible growth.

I am not quitting, but if I do not see a sprout by the end of this week I am going to dig up the seeds for one final inspection to see if any roots broke free of the shells and if not I am going to start again from scratch. I am in the process of ordering more hemp buds which will inturn yield me more seeds and I am going to plant every single one of them! MUAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! This way I am almost guaranteed at least ONE plant which will make me very happy. Once I get some growth of any kind I can make more plants and more hemp products, etc.

Still I am optimistic that I will see some growth in the next few days and look forward to writing the words "WE GOT A WINNER! WEEEEEEEEE GOT A WINNER!" If you've seen the movie Requiem for a dream you'll understand that, if not PLEASE SEE REQUIEM FOR A DREAM ALREADY!

Anywho! Thank you for reading and fulfilling your Louniverse destiny!

Have a good night!

The Louniverse

Operation grow my own hemp: Day 3

Everything looked good today.  No visible growth yet, but that was expected.  We had our first really warm day so far this Spring,  it was in the high 80's and humid. When i lifted the plastic I could see and feel that the soil was still wet and dense but there was no excess water runoff so I assume all is well at this point. Depending on how moist it is tomorrow I may add water, if needed. I think going forward I'm going to use a glass gravity watering despensor.  This hopefully will keep the right amount of water in the soil for optimum saturation and guarantee water on the plants should I ever forget to water them, I will.

Follow up to some of my gardening research last night. I watched a few videos on growing hemp and it seems the best method is to germinate the seeds before putting them in the soil, which I did not do regrettably.  This will do a few things: 1. It will show you which seeds will grow at all and which will not. And 2. It allows the root to grow out of the seed outside of the soil which I think would ensure faster growth of plants. It's really simple,  all you have to do is place your seeds in water, preferably distilled water and wait an hour for them to sink. If they haven't sunk after an hour you can nudge them and they should sink. After that you leave them in the water until roots begin to show, but no more than 2 days. After that, if roots have grown you take the seeds and place them in wet paper towel until you're ready to plant then in a day or so. I'm gonna go do more research tonight as well.  I will definitely do this with my next batch of seeds but I do have hope for this batch. 

Well, that's it for day day 3. Thanks for reading!  Please feel free to post any comments or feedback and hey why not subscribe to my blog while you're here!

Until tomorrow!  Goodnight,

The Louniverse

Operation grow my own hemp: Day 2

Ok, so as I was rereading my post from yesterday and I realized that some of you may not even know what hemp or CBD is so I found this short YouTube video that will explain what it is and some of the health benefits as well.

https://youtu.be/31SrjjgPbhU

Last night it started to rain and rained throughout the night and pretty much all day. I uncovered the soil as you can see in the photo and it's very saturated but not flooded which I assume is good. I guess this is a good time for me to do more gardening research. I drained the overflow tray to allow more water to filter through the soil. Hopefully tomorrow it will be warmer and sunny so I can see if the plastic bubble wrap works to produce condensation and keep the soil at the right level of moisture and utilize the water better. Again, I will do some gardening research tonight.

Right now my number one goal is to get some growth and a few plants to choose from. Once I get a few little plants my plan is to separate them and have several bud producing plants. I know it takes about ten grams of buds to produce one gram of oil. The buds will also supply me with seeds for more plants. With more plants I can make oil, tea, and even have some to smoke or make tinctures with. I don't want to get ahead of myself, I'm on day 2 and looking forward to seeing some green stems poking out of the dirt. 

Thank you for reading!

The Louniverse

Operation grow my own hemp: Day 1

 I've used cannabidiol (CBD) for about a year now. I've used tinctures, oil, dabs, vape products, and Omega fatty oils and smoked and drank as a tea the leaves and buds. So far I would say it's great. I use it to relax, stay calm and focused,  keep a positive mood and sleep. I'm now attempting to grow my own CBD strain hemp for all the above reasons. For those of you who've used CBD products you know how great this herb can be and how expensive it can be as well, at least the oil. The buds and leaves are pretty cheap and can be purchased on Amazon or from one of many suppliers online.  I'm growing my own in the attempt to make my own oil, tea, and tincture.

As a former pot smoker I initially sought out the CBD strains after I noticed THC wasn't working for me any longer.  Back in college I used to be able to enjoy Marijuana almost daily for about two years. Gradually I noticed after smoking or even eating edibles I would have more energy than normal and even become jittery. After a while sometime during my junior year it was clear that Mary Jane gave me more anxiety than relaxation. I could not relax, I would have racing anxious thoughts and just general uncomfortable feelings. I'm not blaming Marijuana at all. I still love it and have since my college years given it numerous opportunities to enhance my mental state. It's been pretty hit or miss, mostly slanted towards the anxious state rather than relaxation. Again, I'm not blaming weed, I'm pretty sure my anxiety was there years before and with or without the THC I would have found my anxious state around that time in my life anyway. In-fact, over the past ten years I've struggled with anxiety free of Marijuana for most of this time. It's in me and I'm dealing with it best I can right now.

  CBD does make a difference,  a very noticeable one. It's no cure as I'm pretty sure there is no herb or chemical cure in existence but it helps a whole lot. So, today I decided to take some seeds I saved from the last batch of hemp buds I had and stuck them in Miracle Grow all purpose use top soil. As you can see in the photo, I put the soil in a four inch deep aluminum tray, poked holes about 1-2 inches apart and added some water. I also poked holes in the bottom of the tray for drainage and covered the tray with some green bubble wrap I found. I hope this will create a greenhouse effect and aid in the hydration and growth of the plants. Today is just day one and I'll be checking up on the little green monsters everyday and updating the inter-webs with this SUPER COOL BLOG!!! JOYGASM!

I hope you've enjoyed reading this and I would love to read your thoughts and hear any questions, comments or concerns you might have. If you have a green thumb and would like to give me any pointers they will be greatly appreciated!

The Louniverse thanks you!

Lou