IS PARANOIA THE CATALYST FOR MY ANXIETY?

Have you ever been Paranoid?  

We've all heard the term and I think we think we know what it means, but do we?
Or
Do I? 

I know that in my experience when I was younger the term "paranoid" meant the feeling that everyone is after you and you're crazy for feeling that way. People in movies and TV shows would be hold up in a dark hotel room with the blinds shut tight and no one coming or going. The person was also portrayed as someone insanely frantic sometimes.  Screaming and running from invisible enemies or dangers. I guess these characters could have been based on real events or real people but in my life now I know most people who are Paranoid don't really show it. Maybe because it's embarrassing or they perceive it to be embarrassing or maybe they don't even know their paranoid if that's even possible,  which I think it is, but don't know for sure.

As far as it being embarrassing I can safely assume that's a reason because that's why I think I keep my paranoid thoughts to myself and I know I'm not special and others must feel this sane way.
Very recently I've come to the conclusion that not only do I have paranoid thoughts, but also those thought may be the sparks that lights my anxiety a blaze. Hopefully that doesn't sound too dramatic lol.

Over the as two years I've made great progress with dealing with chronic anxiety. Specifically I've been able to become more aware and mindful of when it's happening and why and much quicker than I ever did in my life. I'm a way I think I've been reverse engineering my anxiety, if that makes sense. I'm able to "see" it when it begins and get a better look at what's going on in my head. My thoughts, my conclusions, my exagerations, etc. It's complicated, but now I'm seeing that once something triggers my fight or flight response no matter how big or small my mind and body go into action in creating that narrative,  or story in my mind of "how things are going to go" according to my anxious brain of course.

In the past I would be all wrapped up in the anxiety or even panic before I knew it was happening, which is too late.  I would let the story in my mind bring up my emotions and cause the chemicals in my mind to flow and without really doing much of anything,  I could literally be laying in bed, I would be in a full blown panic attack basically and completely self inflicted.
Just last week I caught myself deep in thought about something completely nuts all because of a 10 second interaction with a stranger.
I'll explain this example to give you an idea of what I'm talking about and how I have deciphered that what I'm experiencing is in fact Paranoia which can and sometimes does lead directly to my anxiety and in the past panic.
In this case my anxiety did not become overwhelming but it was definitely heightened and just so you know, I have not had a panic attack in over a year, which is great for me.
So, here is what happened: 

I work outside. I work for a company that brings me to many locations in a day and I have to work sometimes on private property; shopping centers, company parking lots, etc. 

This occasion I was in a small parking lot and to make room for myself to work I parked half on the parking lot and half on some grass. I thought nothing other than "aren't I smart for making this work for me!" little did I know I "fucked up" and was about to be  told to move. So, Im about to begin my work on a car in this parking lot when the owner of the adjacent company, not the company I was doing the job for, comes out and asks me politely if this was my van. It was so I said "yes" then the gentlemans tone and facial expression changed to anger and he said " ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW! MOVE THAT VAN! AND IF YOU DAMAGED ANY OF MY SPRINKLER HOSES IN THE GROUND I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE I SEND THE BILL TO YOUR COMPANY!" 

I said "ok" and move my van. End of interaction. Well, at least for him. For me it was another story. I began working on the car and for about 30-45 minutes I replayed the 20 second exchange in my head over and over again. I began questioning my judgement. Was I an idiot for doing this? Or inconsiderate? Then I shift over to wondering what he was doing inside of his shop. Was he stewing in there over what I did? Was he planning on coming out and saying something to me again, or worse coming over to fight me. Like, literally engage in fisticuffs? I know this might sound nuts but this is what was going through my head. I even began looking at every face who came and went through the parking lot and into his shop. Were these just customers or did he call one of his "guys" to come and handle me. Walk over to me and begin an innocent conversation only to lull me into a false sense of security and then sucker punch me or jump me or walk behind me and put a bullet in my head. I"m kind of laughing at this all now but that's where my head went, and still goes pretty often. I let my overthinking take me on an emotion journey into the depths of horror and worst of the worst case scenarios. Afterwards I tell myself that this is just too much TV and movies, but it's more than that. I'm able to stay in this frame of mind because yeah these things to happen on occasion. People can be monsters and do the most horrible things over the littlest of disputes. But usually nothing like this ever happens and the media, TV and movies just use the things to sell movies tickets, build ratings and get as much attention as possible. Still, this is where my head goes and it goes there regularly. So far nothing like this has ever happened to me but this is the process of my overthinking. I let myself build up something small into something enormous and outrageous. Eventually my work distracts me enough to move on and I do, but now that I'm being more mindful and aware I notice that more often than not my mind runs wild and it takes me some time to get things back to normal. 

Now, I just want to say that I do always get myself back to center and usually it doesn't last the entire day or carry over into the next day, but it has on occasion. This is just one recent example, but nearly every day I find that my mind kind of runs wild with paranoid thoughts about the worst case scenario in almost any and all situations. Especially if what I'm doing is something that I think is "wrong" or punishable. Like with this guy in the parking lot I felt embarrassed and stupid for doing something that was really just a simple mistake and I let my guilt drive me into the fantasy of a murderous fugitive, or at least what I think a murderous fugitive might go through thinking everyone is after him for his crimes, etc. This can be every morning for me when I'm running late to work, or if I did something I'm technically not supposed to like something against company policy or something I know I was told as a child not to do, etc. I know that might sound a little over simplified but it is usually why I get into this state of mine. So, for example if I'm running late to work I begin having an argument in my head with my manager, or someone higher up on the corporate food chain and I find myself defending myself vigorously. It takes a lot of my energy from me to be honest and in most cases what I imagine and how I imagine it to take place is rarely how it plays out in reality so why all the dramatics? Truthfully I'm not totally sure, but I think it's because I already am an anxious person with an anxious mind, a chronic overthinker and hypochondriac. So my theory is that my anxiety leads me to have paranoid thoughts and my paranoia leads me to anxiety. It's a vicious circle. Only now, very recently have I been noticing the paranoid thoughts and paranoia. Months ago and years ago I would just slip into this fantasy world and it was truly just a big part of my every day/all day internal thoughts. The more I think about it now the more it makes me feel horrible. The one thing that makes me feel better is that I am aware of it now and being mindful is a step in the right direction. The more I'm aware of it, the more I can catch myself sooner and slow down the process and hopefully soon stop it quicker. In the long run the goal of course is to stop it before it starts. Having dealt with anxiety for so long I know that I won't be able to do this overnight, but it also won't take as long as I fear it will which is forever. 

The anxiety, overthinking and hypochondria have been a part of me for longer than I know. A very young age I assume but don't know when it all began for sure. It really doesn't matter when it started, but it is important that I take the proper steps to ensure I continue to heal the way I have been. It's been a long process with big ebbs and flows of hopefulness and hopelessness. In the past year I have been more hopeful than ever but I still have some pretty bad days and terrible moments. My imagination literally runs wild on me. 

So, going forward I am going to do my best in keeping tabs on my paranoid overthinking catastrophe scenarios and hopefully reel them in faster and faster until I'm able to stop them in their tracks before they start or atleast soon after they start. 

What do you think? 

Do you think paranoia is something that could be considered a catalyst to anxiety or is this just anxiety causing paranoia and is there even a difference? 

I really want to hear from you. 

Good luck out there! and thanks for reading! 

The Louniverse 

ALL YOU TOUCH AND ALL YOU SEE IS ALL YOUR LIFE WILL EVER BE.

Kudos to you if you figured out the title of this blog post are lyrics from the Pink Floyd song Breathe from their amazing album Dark Side of the Moon.
I did not steal it, I'm merely borrowing it to make a point. You'll see (maybe, I make no promises)

If you don't know the song please give it a listen. Below are the lyrics.  Read them.

"Breathe, breathe in the air
Don't be afraid to care
Leave but don't leave me
Look around, choose your own ground
For long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all your touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be

Run, rabbit run
Dig that hole, forget the sun
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down, it's time to dig another one
For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave"

Today I was driving and listening to the album for maybe the 500th time, or something like that. I've listened to these songs quite a few times and I've always knew that this song has something to do with "life" in general. Living and dieing, the rat race, our misplaced time, etc.
But
Today I was listening and that line hit me a little different than usual. "All you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be"
I was just thinking
"Yes, that must be right" it just hit me.
These lyrics can be interpreted in a million ways I know and believe me they are. I did a little research today and checked out one of those song lyric meaning forums and it's chock full of other people's opinions of the song which is fine. They were all pretty much on the same page give or take a few details. Just like any anxiety forum ironically.

To me that line means a few things. It has to do with the physical and the mental.
Physically: Whatever you see, your surroundings, the people in your life, your job, the places you choose to go and situations you choose to take part in will be your life.  Constantly surrounding yourself with assholes? Well guess what?! You're probably one of them.  Hanging out with deadbeats?
You get it.
Mentally: Whatever you think about all the time will be your realty.
Your outlook
Your concerns
Your dreams
Fears
Etc

It brought me back to the post I wrote yesterday about fear.
All I think about is my fear or how I'm  getting over my fear.
My anxiety or how I'm getting over it or past it.
Breathing exercises to calm down
Meditation
Thought replacement
All the "bad" things in my head AND all the "good" things that I do to get past the bad things really amount to the same thing.
Everything on my mind is anxiety or anxiety related. 
Fear based of some kind.

Now I know I'm in the process of healing and maybe so are you. Don't get stressed I'm not saying these methods of healing are wrong but understand that they are still part of anxiety and connected to it.
Just like methadone is connected to heroin or nicotine vape pens are connected to cigarettes. 
Meditation is a great practice for a healthy peaceful life and so is breathing exercises and eating healthy, etc
But
They must exist in their own right in my life because as long as they are in place to help rid myself of anxiety or take the place of anxiety, Anxiety is still in my life big time.
I don't want to end up in a constant struggle with anxiety for the rest of my life. Surrender and acceptance seem to be the best methods but I want to take it a step farther.
I do not know what that is yet.  Sorry. I'm still working this shit out too.

I just know that I don't want to end up like the rabbit in the song
In an early grave

I know the grave will be the place I will end up as will the rest of us but I just want to make sure I'm not sitting somewhere alone with a tense body biting my nails and rocking back and forth in a worry some anxious state as I die. 

I don't know how I'd "like" to die but I do know how I don't want to go, especially if the way I least want to go is as avoidable as anxiety.

I hope this wasn't too bleak. Thank you for reading!

As always I'd love to hear from you.

Sincerely,

Lou Raio
AKA 
The Louniverse

NOT LETTING FEAR RUIN YOUR DAY AND YOUR LIFE.

I was just about to go onto Google and begin a search about a feeling that is bothering me. I have health anxiety, I'm a hypochondriac.  So, my leg hurts in a place where I can see there's a vein. For some reason the combination of these two things sends me running to the Internet for answers and reassurance. Two things I RARELY find in a Google search about something that's bothering me either physically or mentally.

Sound familiar?

If so please keep reading. I am writing this for you. You the person reading this and me in the future also reading this. Fear has controlled my life through anxiety for as long as I can remember and today is no different.  I was just about to begin a search online through Yahoo message boards,  Web MD vague "93 possible diagnosis" sections which are always horrifyingly terrible or blogsposts from other sufferers, doctors, YouTube videos, Facebook posts, etc, etc
You know this pattern.
It's starts there and ends with more anxiety,  more questions, more irrational fears, more, more, more
Unrest
Uneasiness
Sleeplessness
Imbalance
The list can go on forever

However, the more I "research" my anxiety the more I realize we all have exactly the same symptoms, fears and follow the same train of thought nearly to the tee minus of course some very tiny individualized nuances of symptoms specific to us.

We get a "feeling" or a "thought" our body begins the process of fight or flight usually, 9 times out of 10 before we even know it and boom we run to the Internet and self diagnosis and worse seemingly convince ourselves of the worst case scenario. 
I don't get aches I get deep vein thrombosis. I get lung cancer, throat cancer, swollen lymph nodes, the silent killer widow maker heart attack! 
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I'm either fine or having the longest lasting slowest killing heart attack in human medical history.
Right?
We know we're fine but still find ourselves breaking out in sweats. Trembling. Nauseous and scared.

All of it sucks. But it is a choice.

Now I know that sounds weird. Why would ANYONE choose these things. Well, we do and we dont, but we definitely do.

An ache or a pain or a feeling, a thought, anxiety, fear,  horror,  panic...
All natural, all normal. 
WE anxious bunch of beautiful little coconuts take these normal short lived human emotions and drag them out and over think ourselves into some of the worst living a human can give to itself.
The truth sucks and it's no excuse but then again it is a condition and it is happening and feeling powerless is just as natural and normal. So, breath. It's fine. You're alive today despite all the above problems and the problems you'll find later tonight when you take your cloths off and see [insert scary body part]

It's ok.

Now, even as I'm typing this my anxiety is hard at work. My anxiety is crafty. It's after all, me. It's knows me like I know me. I can't outsmart it but I can ignore it, right?
Right now it's telling me that everything I've just written is bullshit.  No one wants to read this and basically this is all one big long attempt at reassurance. 
It's just me distracting myself from my feelings by writing this thing to distract you from your feelings all while reassuring me and maybe you.
And maybe that's true.
No. No its not.

I'm writing this because I know what anxiety is. I know how anxiety, health anxiety and all this fear has turned my life into a stagnant cycle of repeating past mistakes, getting stuck in bad unfulfilling situations and not living a life. Plain and simple. 

NOT. LIVING. A. LIFE.
Anxiety is a full time job for me on top of my other full time job.
It distracts me from every single aspect of my life every single minute of every single day for as long as I can remember.
I do not remember NOT being anxious.
Fear takes up nearly all of my energy. All of my mental capacity.  It ruins everything while leaving me just enough to participate in life from the perspective of a free to walk around prisoner's stand point. I can go and do whatever I like just as long as I don't mind the never ending over thinking chatter in my head.  The over sensitized body and the irrational fear encyclopedia chained to my feet wherever I go.
You can't call out of work by telling your boss "you can come into work today because there's just too much on your mind"
You're too busy fighting a battle in your head and cannot interact with the outside world today.
So, sorry family. Sorry job, sorry significant other, friends, and everyone else. 
Sound like your life at all?

Everyday I imagine a knight fighting a dragon. Everyday both the knight and the dragon die.  No one wins. 
Am I the knight or am I the dragon? 
Is the dragon my anxiety?
I think they're both me. They have the same eyes.  The Knight fights to the bitter end every time. He nearly defeats the dragon completely then usually is struck with a fatal blow.  A last gasp of the Dragon who is also fatally wounded and they both go down. Interpret that how you like. I think of it all the time.
Stalemate. No winner, but I feel like I still lose.
I change myself and limit myself and alter my demeanor and emotions as to not wake the beast up but in doing so I become a shadow of my former self. I am barely a person in those moments and that's my everyday.

I let my fear control my entire life.
It's lead me to so many positive outlets that have never truly helped because the fear is the strongest. It outlasts everything in me.
I've learned to meditate, breath, take a minute or ten or twenty or an hour and rest. Eat healthier. Stop smoking cigarettes, lessen my caffeine intake and I can go on forever.
All of this is because those things at one time or another gave me anxiety about my body and I dropped them in order to appease the fear. 

No more.  I'm still going to continue to eat healthy and not smoke cigarettes and not over use caffeine but I'm doing it because it's healthy and I feel good and that's it. If I have coffee I won't think about heart attacks or strokes.
If I eat something not so healthy I won't think about purging myself with water to flush it out of me ASAP because of a myriad of irrational reasons. 
I do things for me now.  Starting today. 
I choose to be happy not because it's going to pay off someday or distract me from the moment or keep the dragon asleep but because I want to be happy. That's it.
It's a choice.
Always was and always will be.
I know it. You know it. Now let's begin a practice. 
Just sit down, take a few deep breaths, close your eyes and feel the surroundings you're in RIGHT NOW.  This is the moment.  This is reality.  This is everything.

I truly hope this blog post has helped at least a little bit.  I hope you related to it and know that you're not alone and that most importantly You. Are. Fine.

I'd love to hear from you!

Sincerely, 

Lou Raio
AKA
The Louniverse

MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: ENTRY 3

Good Evening,

So, today has been kind of a rollercoaster of emotions and anxiety. I woke up and decided I wasn't going to go into work. I am feeling a bit "off" lately, for the past 3 weeks or so and wasn't really sick but decided I would not be able to perform work today. This bothers me, but I did appreciate being in the comforts of home today I cannot lie about that.

My anxiety today has been up and down. I woke up ok, but as the day has gone on I've gone from being ok to being pretty depressed and anxious to being depressed still and really anxious then back to kinda ok. I know that might sound vague as "ok" and "pretty depressed" aren't exactly medical terms I think you know what I mean. I did not have a panic attack today nor do I think I will. I'll say my anxiety was at worst an 8 and at best a 5-6 on a scale from 1-10, 1 being most mild and 10 being most severe or a full blown panic attack. I do not like the scale of 1-10 rating system but lack another system to use as a tool to describe how bad the anxiety is.

I recorded my daily anxiety vlog today as well. The link is here https://youtu.be/sLq3GWZ0j14

Today I recorded my longest video to date. It's just under 30 minutes which I think is the longest I would like to make the videos but who knows. My anxiety level was pretty high just prior to recording the video but back down to a 4 or 5 after. I wasn't panicking but lately I just feel very, very uncomfortable and unhappy. I hate this feeling. It makes me feel ashamed and unappreciative of this life that I have. It makes me feel selfish and pathetic. I don't want to die or anything like that but most of the time these physical feelings make me so self loathing and apathetic and I end up beating myself up about it. Then late this afternoon the doctors office called me to give me my blood test drug results and they weren't necessarily bad but they freaked me the fuck out to say the least. My glucose index is 6.1 and the normal level should be no higher than 5.5 I was told so I assume I have to lay off sweet stuff for a while but I could have guessed that anyway, in fact I know I have to. I'm not a terrible eater but I do enjoy garbage a little too much I know that. They also told me that my white blood cell count is a little higher than normal so they want me to do a follow up which I'll be doing tomorrow at 5:45pm. Of course this is probably just my body fighting some kind of infection or allergy which makes sense considering some of the symptoms I've been experiencing in the last few weeks. However, this is where anxiety and hypochondria kick in to high gear. My mind went into red alert. I assumed the worst and immediately went to google to find out what could possible be the cause of this. I should never do this and neither should you. I repeat, NEVER GOOGLE MEDICAL SYMPTOMS OR FEELINGS! EVER! I promise you'll thank me later. Of course you should get checked out as I did a few weeks ago and have been following up these past two weeks. Now, I did not find any horrifying information on the web, but the web is just too broad of a brush of information and of course does not know all of your symptoms, etc so please do not do it and I never will again. I am fine now. I'm scared to be honest but I'm fine really. I hate being this way. I hate letting myself get so crazy about anything and everything. Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows and as an adult I know I'm going to have to deal with some really serious issues the longer that I live. I am truly afraid that I won't be able to psychologically do so. I talk a good talk and do my best(ish) to follow my own advice but it's really, really hard. My mind is out of control and sends me reeling more often than not and I know in a way that I am my mind and it is me but I feel as if I have literally zero control most of the time of my thoughts and feelings.

My anxiety makes me essentially afraid of life and doing everyday things. Going to work, having a conversation, standing upright, everything. I was planning on going to the open mic tonight to read some poetry but I am not. I am very inconsistent in doing even the things I love doing the most. I feel robbed of my joy almost always yet I'm not really miserable. This is my norm. I don't know what it's like to be normal and although we can argue all day about what "normal" is I know that whatever I am isn't it. I also don't really remember if I ever was normal and maybe I never was. I do not know. Sometimes I feel so strong, and strong mind and intelligent and ready for anything, but really I think that's all bullshit. It must be some kind of coping mechanism maybe, I don't know. I think I might actually be very weak and out of control and a frightened child trapped in this big body. Even these thoughts and notions are exhausting me. I'm really sorry for this bummer of a blog. I like to think that living everyday to the fullest is the ultimate goal and if I'm totally honest I don't think I've done this one single day in my life. Today is no different and I'll go to bed tonight considering today a loss, but I do so with hope that tomorrow will be better. It's all I can do really.

MY PLAN-

As of right now all I'm going to do is keep myself calm and in good spirits best I can for the rest of the night. I will most likely go to work in the morning and do my best not to dread seeing the doctor tomorrow night. I am also going to keep up with my vlog and this blog and continue to talk and write about my daily experiences and feelings because 1. I feel like it's the only real thing I can do and 2. It does make me feel a little bit better, if only a little bit. I'll take it.
I also plan on bringing up a lot of this when I see my psychologist on Friday night. I like my psychologist and enjoy speaking with her and know it does help a little bit but honestly I don't feel like it's helping a lot and I'm not sure why. Is it just me? or is it just that talking about things doesn't REALLY change them? I do not know.

This is my plan and my story for today.

Thank you for reading!

Lou

MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: ENTRY 2

Good evening!

Today in my vlog I talked about doing the work when it comes to dealing with daily anxiety. You can watch here
https://youtu.be/CSnObeybcJc

Over the years I've come to the conclusion that the little things do matter and do make a difference.  Simply breathing correctly can make a world of difference.  I've come up with certain techniques on my own, some I've seeked out from word of mouth or through research and pretty much know what I have to do on a daily basis in order to keep the anxiety at bay and enjoy "normal" days. It just takes doing the work, consistently which for me is easier said than done.

The number one most important thing is getting a good night sleep! I cannot stress this enough. I am one of the worst sleepers. I literally do not want to go to sleep most days, but sleep is so important and crucial. It's the last thing you can do in your day to ensure the next day has a fighting chance at being a day with little to no anxiety. Waking up for work or in general with little to no sleep is terrible for you and perfect for anxiety. Being tired opens the flood gates for body aches,  head ache, uncomfortability, being short tempered,  frustrated, exhausted and of course anxious.  Lack of sleep allows you to begin your day, which could be a long day depending on your profession or whatever curveball the universe throws in your direction that day on a terrible note. This simple thing sleep is so incredibly important and fundamental to keeping a clear head and controlling your thoughts and feelings that without a goodnight sleep I will say it's nearly impossible NOT to have high general anxiety or even a panic attack that day. Sleep sleep SLEEP!  Tonight make sure you get at least 6-8 hours of sleep, 6 hours being the absolute minimum. 

I also found that taking a minute before starting something is key. Before driving in your car, sit there, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Do this when you wake up, before you walk into work, before you leave work and before you walk into your house. Before you do anything, take a moment. 30 seconds to just digest the moment, breath and then begin whatever it is you're doing.  This definitely helps. It's not as important as sleep but it does make a difference.  We're all in a huge rush all the time which is prime breeding ground for anxiety. I'm sure you already know this but I think it needs to be said. Take a moment, it can't hurt. Even if you're like me and constantly rushing because you're late. What's another minute gonna cost? Be one more minute late and take your breath. You deserve it.

I also try to meditate at least once a day for at least 5 minutes. Usually when I wake up. I am not being very consistent but I am trying. It's a work in progress,  obviously. 

I'm gonna stop here for tonight.  I hope you enjoyed reading this and I hope it helped, even a little bit.

Thank you and have a goodnight!

Lou