THE BLIND ALLEY OF PASSION

At 35, my current age I still find myself pondering my passion. My purpose in life, my reason to live. That thing that I'm "supposed" to be chasing that gets me out of bed in the morning that fills my time until I'm no longer living. You know, "that" thing. (I hope my quotation marks are in the "right" places.)

If you're like me, a fellow human, then I'm sure you've pondered this before or ponder it still. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE!? WITH THIS LIFE!? NOW!? or something like that. I think about it often, almost constantly to be honest, but recently I've come to some (almost) conclusions.
I'm "almost" (quotations!?) certain that passion is whatever we want it to be and it can change. It can be your job,  but doesn't have to be. It can be your hobbies, but doesn't have to be. I think it would be nice if it was, but doesn't "have" to be.
I battle with myself pretty regularly about what I "like" and what I "love". Sometimes I love the things I like and like the things I love.  Make sense? I don't really think so either, but maybe you at least understand. Maybe? 

Ok, basically what my thought process is for example: I like/love poetry.
I:
Like to write it
Read and perform it
Sometimes I even like to read it
When I write it, it's when the muse strikes me with creativity and INSPIRATION! then boom! I open my notepad app on my phone and type away until I'm satisfied. If I think it's "done" I will read it at the next open mic I attend.
So, is this like or love?
Like I said I battle between these two ideas of like and love.  

The difference now is that I'm beginning to believe that it really doesn't matter. Like and love seem to depend on my mood, or my surroundings, or the content, company,  etc
The list of variables goes on. It's pretty fluid. So, I think "passion" is a matter of perception and drive.
Perception in the form of how the "thing" makes you feel for however long it makes you feel it.
Like, if something feels bag, E.G. being poked in the eye, you'll want it less. Unless you're into that sort of thing.

 
Or

E.G. something feels good like reading a poem in front of a crowd and getting some kind of enjoyment, catharsis, release of emotions, etc out of it. Then I tend to do that more often.  But, I have noticed that even though I love/like doing this I may stop doing it for days, weeks or months.
I always ask myself "why?"
Then get into the "love/like" debate with myself and end up back in that place. Essentially a place of unknowing which really becomes a stagnant place. I become stuck with not knowing which is right, or good, or real, etc.
That doesn't seem to be useful at all. In fact it causes stress and anxiety.
What I think is true about passion is that it can and maybe should remain in a flux-like state, if that even makes sense. Poetry can be my passion today, but maybe not tomorrow,  but then it can be again in a few days, weeks, or months. You get it, right?
So, I've been playing with the idea of:
1. Letting my love/likes come and go as they see fit and
2. Letting the things that I like to do become the things that I LIKE to do.
Make sense?  (Contact me if not, I'm serious.) 

Now, about drive.
Drive is the part that I find myself getting hung up on. The actual "action" of a thing. Sometimes I get stagnant as I stated before, but also sometimes I think of a thing I really like/love but then simply talk myself out of it based on little rules I have in my head. By "rules" I mean the things were told we can't do, or shouldn't do, or aren't fit to be like/loves. Now, I'm not talking about anything that will harm another person, so if you were thinking that I'm sorry that's not what I meant and please don't hurt anyone and if you think you should, seek help.
What I mean is the things that I like to do that are the things I do when I'm procrastinating and avoiding the "thing" I'm supposed to do like work, as I'm my job, or a task or chore. 

Ok, for example:
I love making fire. I'm a Pyro and have been since I was a kid. Yeah I know it can be a little or A LOT unsafe but hear me out.
IN A CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENT like a fire pit, pot-belly stove or in a place far from the places that can burn down, I will make a fire.
I like setting it up and watching it burn.  Building it bigger and hotter and putting things in to watch burn like toys or fireworks or whatever lol
But is this a passion? Honestly I do not know for sure, but that's probably clear to you by now. I know that I really don't know, but I think no one else really does either. I think those little things that creep up in my mind and seem to take up my attention ARE the things I should do when they pop up. This to me in-of-itself seems to be PASSION. 

A feeling arrives, however it does, but it does then you feel the need to DO something. TO DO THAT THING. That action, that whatever it is. I say do it. JUST DO IT! (fuck you nike, I'm not even capitalizing your name) JUST DO "IT!" 

IT, whatever it is. Light a fire! stare into the clouds for HOURS! Drive to nowhere with no one for NO REASON because there really isn't a reason and that IS the reason. I think this makes sense. 

OK, basically my thought on the drive, perception, like, love, LIFE all of it is that there is no reason and that is the reason. There is no rhyme or reason or purpose that we do not make up for ourselves. I've watched hours and hours of "inspirational" videos on YouTube and read things and listened to audiobooks, etc and honestly it's all good. None of it is "bad" but it's all kind of confusing and contradictory. Listen to Alan Watts and your life will change. Then listen to Jay Shetty, or Joe Dispenza, etc the list goes on and on. All of these people using their experience to relate and help others which is amazing. I love it. I watch them, I'm inspired and for a little while I float on their ideas and get some action under my feet, but it never lasts. I think it doesn't last because I'm lazy. I am, but i also think it doesn't last because it's not my path. It's not my way. My way is MY WAY and your way is YOUR WAY. I think this is the same for passion as it is for life. It's your world do with it whatever you like. Living to the fullest can be whatever you say it is and it will be. Travel the world or don't. Be happy! or don't. It's your ride.

My passion isn't anything specific right now, but something did happen tonight. I got a bug up my ass to write and here I am. It works if you let it, I think. Again, I'm glad you're reading this is you are, but please understand that I am just like you. I do not know shit and I'm making it up as I go along which is great, but also kinda scary, but still great. 

This way of life and thinking, I feel, makes the dark not so dark and the light much brighter. You and I will be dead very soon. Well, not VERY soon, but soon enough and for sure definitely sooner than we'd like. At least sooner than I'd like, you, I have no idea what you're game is. Maybe you're sprinting towards death. If so I say GODSPEED! and I also say BE CAREFUL! try to live a long time! ah hell. Do you baby!

The Louniverse

NOT LETTING FEAR RUIN YOUR DAY AND YOUR LIFE.

I was just about to go onto Google and begin a search about a feeling that is bothering me. I have health anxiety, I'm a hypochondriac.  So, my leg hurts in a place where I can see there's a vein. For some reason the combination of these two things sends me running to the Internet for answers and reassurance. Two things I RARELY find in a Google search about something that's bothering me either physically or mentally.

Sound familiar?

If so please keep reading. I am writing this for you. You the person reading this and me in the future also reading this. Fear has controlled my life through anxiety for as long as I can remember and today is no different.  I was just about to begin a search online through Yahoo message boards,  Web MD vague "93 possible diagnosis" sections which are always horrifyingly terrible or blogsposts from other sufferers, doctors, YouTube videos, Facebook posts, etc, etc
You know this pattern.
It's starts there and ends with more anxiety,  more questions, more irrational fears, more, more, more
Unrest
Uneasiness
Sleeplessness
Imbalance
The list can go on forever

However, the more I "research" my anxiety the more I realize we all have exactly the same symptoms, fears and follow the same train of thought nearly to the tee minus of course some very tiny individualized nuances of symptoms specific to us.

We get a "feeling" or a "thought" our body begins the process of fight or flight usually, 9 times out of 10 before we even know it and boom we run to the Internet and self diagnosis and worse seemingly convince ourselves of the worst case scenario. 
I don't get aches I get deep vein thrombosis. I get lung cancer, throat cancer, swollen lymph nodes, the silent killer widow maker heart attack! 
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I'm either fine or having the longest lasting slowest killing heart attack in human medical history.
Right?
We know we're fine but still find ourselves breaking out in sweats. Trembling. Nauseous and scared.

All of it sucks. But it is a choice.

Now I know that sounds weird. Why would ANYONE choose these things. Well, we do and we dont, but we definitely do.

An ache or a pain or a feeling, a thought, anxiety, fear,  horror,  panic...
All natural, all normal. 
WE anxious bunch of beautiful little coconuts take these normal short lived human emotions and drag them out and over think ourselves into some of the worst living a human can give to itself.
The truth sucks and it's no excuse but then again it is a condition and it is happening and feeling powerless is just as natural and normal. So, breath. It's fine. You're alive today despite all the above problems and the problems you'll find later tonight when you take your cloths off and see [insert scary body part]

It's ok.

Now, even as I'm typing this my anxiety is hard at work. My anxiety is crafty. It's after all, me. It's knows me like I know me. I can't outsmart it but I can ignore it, right?
Right now it's telling me that everything I've just written is bullshit.  No one wants to read this and basically this is all one big long attempt at reassurance. 
It's just me distracting myself from my feelings by writing this thing to distract you from your feelings all while reassuring me and maybe you.
And maybe that's true.
No. No its not.

I'm writing this because I know what anxiety is. I know how anxiety, health anxiety and all this fear has turned my life into a stagnant cycle of repeating past mistakes, getting stuck in bad unfulfilling situations and not living a life. Plain and simple. 

NOT. LIVING. A. LIFE.
Anxiety is a full time job for me on top of my other full time job.
It distracts me from every single aspect of my life every single minute of every single day for as long as I can remember.
I do not remember NOT being anxious.
Fear takes up nearly all of my energy. All of my mental capacity.  It ruins everything while leaving me just enough to participate in life from the perspective of a free to walk around prisoner's stand point. I can go and do whatever I like just as long as I don't mind the never ending over thinking chatter in my head.  The over sensitized body and the irrational fear encyclopedia chained to my feet wherever I go.
You can't call out of work by telling your boss "you can come into work today because there's just too much on your mind"
You're too busy fighting a battle in your head and cannot interact with the outside world today.
So, sorry family. Sorry job, sorry significant other, friends, and everyone else. 
Sound like your life at all?

Everyday I imagine a knight fighting a dragon. Everyday both the knight and the dragon die.  No one wins. 
Am I the knight or am I the dragon? 
Is the dragon my anxiety?
I think they're both me. They have the same eyes.  The Knight fights to the bitter end every time. He nearly defeats the dragon completely then usually is struck with a fatal blow.  A last gasp of the Dragon who is also fatally wounded and they both go down. Interpret that how you like. I think of it all the time.
Stalemate. No winner, but I feel like I still lose.
I change myself and limit myself and alter my demeanor and emotions as to not wake the beast up but in doing so I become a shadow of my former self. I am barely a person in those moments and that's my everyday.

I let my fear control my entire life.
It's lead me to so many positive outlets that have never truly helped because the fear is the strongest. It outlasts everything in me.
I've learned to meditate, breath, take a minute or ten or twenty or an hour and rest. Eat healthier. Stop smoking cigarettes, lessen my caffeine intake and I can go on forever.
All of this is because those things at one time or another gave me anxiety about my body and I dropped them in order to appease the fear. 

No more.  I'm still going to continue to eat healthy and not smoke cigarettes and not over use caffeine but I'm doing it because it's healthy and I feel good and that's it. If I have coffee I won't think about heart attacks or strokes.
If I eat something not so healthy I won't think about purging myself with water to flush it out of me ASAP because of a myriad of irrational reasons. 
I do things for me now.  Starting today. 
I choose to be happy not because it's going to pay off someday or distract me from the moment or keep the dragon asleep but because I want to be happy. That's it.
It's a choice.
Always was and always will be.
I know it. You know it. Now let's begin a practice. 
Just sit down, take a few deep breaths, close your eyes and feel the surroundings you're in RIGHT NOW.  This is the moment.  This is reality.  This is everything.

I truly hope this blog post has helped at least a little bit.  I hope you related to it and know that you're not alone and that most importantly You. Are. Fine.

I'd love to hear from you!

Sincerely, 

Lou Raio
AKA
The Louniverse

MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: ENTRY 3

Good Evening,

So, today has been kind of a rollercoaster of emotions and anxiety. I woke up and decided I wasn't going to go into work. I am feeling a bit "off" lately, for the past 3 weeks or so and wasn't really sick but decided I would not be able to perform work today. This bothers me, but I did appreciate being in the comforts of home today I cannot lie about that.

My anxiety today has been up and down. I woke up ok, but as the day has gone on I've gone from being ok to being pretty depressed and anxious to being depressed still and really anxious then back to kinda ok. I know that might sound vague as "ok" and "pretty depressed" aren't exactly medical terms I think you know what I mean. I did not have a panic attack today nor do I think I will. I'll say my anxiety was at worst an 8 and at best a 5-6 on a scale from 1-10, 1 being most mild and 10 being most severe or a full blown panic attack. I do not like the scale of 1-10 rating system but lack another system to use as a tool to describe how bad the anxiety is.

I recorded my daily anxiety vlog today as well. The link is here https://youtu.be/sLq3GWZ0j14

Today I recorded my longest video to date. It's just under 30 minutes which I think is the longest I would like to make the videos but who knows. My anxiety level was pretty high just prior to recording the video but back down to a 4 or 5 after. I wasn't panicking but lately I just feel very, very uncomfortable and unhappy. I hate this feeling. It makes me feel ashamed and unappreciative of this life that I have. It makes me feel selfish and pathetic. I don't want to die or anything like that but most of the time these physical feelings make me so self loathing and apathetic and I end up beating myself up about it. Then late this afternoon the doctors office called me to give me my blood test drug results and they weren't necessarily bad but they freaked me the fuck out to say the least. My glucose index is 6.1 and the normal level should be no higher than 5.5 I was told so I assume I have to lay off sweet stuff for a while but I could have guessed that anyway, in fact I know I have to. I'm not a terrible eater but I do enjoy garbage a little too much I know that. They also told me that my white blood cell count is a little higher than normal so they want me to do a follow up which I'll be doing tomorrow at 5:45pm. Of course this is probably just my body fighting some kind of infection or allergy which makes sense considering some of the symptoms I've been experiencing in the last few weeks. However, this is where anxiety and hypochondria kick in to high gear. My mind went into red alert. I assumed the worst and immediately went to google to find out what could possible be the cause of this. I should never do this and neither should you. I repeat, NEVER GOOGLE MEDICAL SYMPTOMS OR FEELINGS! EVER! I promise you'll thank me later. Of course you should get checked out as I did a few weeks ago and have been following up these past two weeks. Now, I did not find any horrifying information on the web, but the web is just too broad of a brush of information and of course does not know all of your symptoms, etc so please do not do it and I never will again. I am fine now. I'm scared to be honest but I'm fine really. I hate being this way. I hate letting myself get so crazy about anything and everything. Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows and as an adult I know I'm going to have to deal with some really serious issues the longer that I live. I am truly afraid that I won't be able to psychologically do so. I talk a good talk and do my best(ish) to follow my own advice but it's really, really hard. My mind is out of control and sends me reeling more often than not and I know in a way that I am my mind and it is me but I feel as if I have literally zero control most of the time of my thoughts and feelings.

My anxiety makes me essentially afraid of life and doing everyday things. Going to work, having a conversation, standing upright, everything. I was planning on going to the open mic tonight to read some poetry but I am not. I am very inconsistent in doing even the things I love doing the most. I feel robbed of my joy almost always yet I'm not really miserable. This is my norm. I don't know what it's like to be normal and although we can argue all day about what "normal" is I know that whatever I am isn't it. I also don't really remember if I ever was normal and maybe I never was. I do not know. Sometimes I feel so strong, and strong mind and intelligent and ready for anything, but really I think that's all bullshit. It must be some kind of coping mechanism maybe, I don't know. I think I might actually be very weak and out of control and a frightened child trapped in this big body. Even these thoughts and notions are exhausting me. I'm really sorry for this bummer of a blog. I like to think that living everyday to the fullest is the ultimate goal and if I'm totally honest I don't think I've done this one single day in my life. Today is no different and I'll go to bed tonight considering today a loss, but I do so with hope that tomorrow will be better. It's all I can do really.

MY PLAN-

As of right now all I'm going to do is keep myself calm and in good spirits best I can for the rest of the night. I will most likely go to work in the morning and do my best not to dread seeing the doctor tomorrow night. I am also going to keep up with my vlog and this blog and continue to talk and write about my daily experiences and feelings because 1. I feel like it's the only real thing I can do and 2. It does make me feel a little bit better, if only a little bit. I'll take it.
I also plan on bringing up a lot of this when I see my psychologist on Friday night. I like my psychologist and enjoy speaking with her and know it does help a little bit but honestly I don't feel like it's helping a lot and I'm not sure why. Is it just me? or is it just that talking about things doesn't REALLY change them? I do not know.

This is my plan and my story for today.

Thank you for reading!

Lou

Operation grown my own hemp: PART DEUX

Hello to everyone who read my previous OGMH blogs! If you've been wondering what happened, well my first experiment was not a success. The few seeds I had did not take root or grow into anything. I found a few more and attempted to leave them in water as to germinate the seeds but none of them grew roots. They were just too old, too dry or both! 

So, I ordered more hemp as you see in the photo. This is organic CBD hemp. It contains zero THC and can be used for tea, oils, food and drink, etc. I am going to use it for all of the above but I am going to germinate as many of these hundreds of seeds and attempt to grow my hemp. I have the science! I have the tech! IT SHALL BE DONE! or at least I'll give it a good old fashioned try. Who knows! Maybe I'll be the next big hemp grower in the US or just have a backyard full of suspicious looking plants. Only time will tell. I'm going to separate them from the buds tonight and place some in a cup of water. In a few days I will know if they're germinated and I will keep you posted. 

HAIL HYDRA!

Sincerely,

The Louniverse

Operation grow my own hemp: Day 4

Another hot day today! It was in the high 80's most of the day. Plants are blooming and growing all around me, but still no growth yet on my little green seedlings. The soil was still moist and there was a very small amount of runoff in the lower pan. I think the green plastic cover is allowing a good amount of evaporation and rehydration. So far so good as far as I can tell right now. The most important thing for me right now is that no animals have disturbed the soil so far. Last year I did throw a bunch of seeds in a pot of soil and bury it and two little tiny plants out of maybe 25 seeds pushed through to the surface. For about 2 days I was growing hemp! Then on the third day it was clear a squirrel found his way to the pot and ate the plant and it's roots. Nature can be cruel, but interesting none the less.  This time I'm putting forth more effort and keeping a close eye on my project in the hopes of growing my very own hemp!

It's pretty uneventful but exciting! I will keep you posted, thank you for reading and please feel free to leave a comment or any feedback whatsoever. 

Goodnight,

The Louniverse

Operation grow my own hemp: Day 1

 I've used cannabidiol (CBD) for about a year now. I've used tinctures, oil, dabs, vape products, and Omega fatty oils and smoked and drank as a tea the leaves and buds. So far I would say it's great. I use it to relax, stay calm and focused,  keep a positive mood and sleep. I'm now attempting to grow my own CBD strain hemp for all the above reasons. For those of you who've used CBD products you know how great this herb can be and how expensive it can be as well, at least the oil. The buds and leaves are pretty cheap and can be purchased on Amazon or from one of many suppliers online.  I'm growing my own in the attempt to make my own oil, tea, and tincture.

As a former pot smoker I initially sought out the CBD strains after I noticed THC wasn't working for me any longer.  Back in college I used to be able to enjoy Marijuana almost daily for about two years. Gradually I noticed after smoking or even eating edibles I would have more energy than normal and even become jittery. After a while sometime during my junior year it was clear that Mary Jane gave me more anxiety than relaxation. I could not relax, I would have racing anxious thoughts and just general uncomfortable feelings. I'm not blaming Marijuana at all. I still love it and have since my college years given it numerous opportunities to enhance my mental state. It's been pretty hit or miss, mostly slanted towards the anxious state rather than relaxation. Again, I'm not blaming weed, I'm pretty sure my anxiety was there years before and with or without the THC I would have found my anxious state around that time in my life anyway. In-fact, over the past ten years I've struggled with anxiety free of Marijuana for most of this time. It's in me and I'm dealing with it best I can right now.

  CBD does make a difference,  a very noticeable one. It's no cure as I'm pretty sure there is no herb or chemical cure in existence but it helps a whole lot. So, today I decided to take some seeds I saved from the last batch of hemp buds I had and stuck them in Miracle Grow all purpose use top soil. As you can see in the photo, I put the soil in a four inch deep aluminum tray, poked holes about 1-2 inches apart and added some water. I also poked holes in the bottom of the tray for drainage and covered the tray with some green bubble wrap I found. I hope this will create a greenhouse effect and aid in the hydration and growth of the plants. Today is just day one and I'll be checking up on the little green monsters everyday and updating the inter-webs with this SUPER COOL BLOG!!! JOYGASM!

I hope you've enjoyed reading this and I would love to read your thoughts and hear any questions, comments or concerns you might have. If you have a green thumb and would like to give me any pointers they will be greatly appreciated!

The Louniverse thanks you!

Lou

You don't matter anymore!

The process.
The situation.
The circumstances of your death do not matter to you the dead person.
You will not be around to know what happened. Sure, if you're dying of cancer or some other horrible disease and you know you're gonna go, every time you fall asleep you think "this might be it" and maybe it will be, but still you won't know when or how exactly.
Even if you're awake or as awake as you can be while it happens no one really knows exactly what goes through the mind as you fade away into the darkness because no one has come back after death.
Now if you're thinking about people dying then being brought back in an ambulance or on the operating table I think it's safe to assume that even though that person was clinically dead it's not the same thing as being dead. Like being dead for hours then coming back.
Whatever you believe happens when you die is irrelevant. I believe nothing happens. Now, when I say nothing what I mean or what I think I mean is that as you're dying maybe thoughts are pumping through your head, maybe hallucinations of some kind and maybe it feels like what you think heaven or hell might feel like depending on what's in your head.
If you believe in the afterlife, whatever that may be, heaven or hell or purgatory or even reincarnation of some kind in my opinion believing this does not satisfy the notion that no matter what I am going to die and so are you. One day, maybe tomorrow, it's going to happen. This life will end.
Even though I don't believe in an afterlife of any kind the thought of heaven is cool. The idea that your personality will somehow continue on in some other plane of existence or realm of reality forever with all of your loved ones and everyone else who's died is cool. It's cool, but I don't think it's true. I think this idea comes from centuries of humans watching people die around them and not being able to understand how someone can be there one minute and not there the next. Their body is still here, still warm for a little while as if they're sleeping. They're not. They're gone. So, we throughout time may have come up with ideas of what happens or where we go and over time we integrated them into our religions or cultures or visa versa, maybe entire cultures and religions came to be solely because of what groups of people thought or wanted to happen after death.
I find this topic to be something I either really love to think about and ponder for long periods of time or find myself feeling greatly anxious thinking about. It can be a great conversation to have with friends, family or even strangers or it can be the easiest way to get into an argument. I think it's safe to say that we've all had this kind of a conversation or argument at least once in our life. If you haven't maybe you should. It could be a great experience, it could be a fight or it could be a horrible fearful experience but either way it will be interesting.

The bottom line in my opinion is that once you die you don't matter anymore. Your head stone, your grave, your belongings, your wake and funeral are all for your family and the problem of the living. Even as a memory you're going to be faded and over time completely gone, from this Earth and the minds of anyone who is currently living. Just gone. If you have children they will remember you, then your grandchildren and maybe great-grandchildren if they got the chance to meet you. After that you're gone. Completely gone. The odds that you or I will do something so important that we're talked about for hundreds of years after were dead like Julius Cesar or George Washington or Christ is slim so basically you won't matter anymore.

I don't know for sure and truly don't think anyone really does, but I am interested in knowing what you think.

What do you think?

Lou

Come the nothing.

What do you do when the lights get brighter
the music gets louder
another cigarette isn't enough to calm it down
there isn't enough water to quench it's thirst?
My lips go dry and numb
my limbs tingle and go restless uncontrolled
Color and colors of things melt into each other
My peripheral is a bubbling frenzy
the inside of my eyelids is nausea
Everything that is my tangible self hangs on by an invisible thread so distant and imaginary the thought of it brings fear and disbelief.
An abstract connection that defies you to believe in it with it's own breath.
A distant deep buried scream beneath a paper thin piece of glass being held together only by the pressure of the idea that it actually exists.
The hope it does.
The brittle laws of reality so frail can be easily confused with the symptoms of death
As the body attempts regaining equilibrium the mind is turned inside out to compensate before the damage is permanent.
The constant failure to achieve this is perceived as trickery and trust inside and outside of the mind slowly die.
There is no word to describe what happens when the five senses become obsolete.
The people around you become poorly made movies of what you think the people around you should be.
There is nowhere to run
or anyone to run to.
There is nothing and this is it.

Tweedle Bruhi

Looking up to your monument of white granite
standing beneath the majesty of construction and grandeur
I'm in awe
for a moment
Lost but not quite gone
Soon the white marble peels and falls away
the concrete and steel are exposed
The bars my eyes once could not see now visible
Your hopeful smile now looks more like a smirk
the waving flag once a beacon of hope is the blindfold over my eyes
it's the plastic bag over my head from which I gasp.

Inoperable

These devices left to me
passed down
contraptions all
tinkered with
toyed
sparking smoldering fritzed
alien and complex
yielding no freedom
exposing no answers
asking no questions

Like a disappointed child on Christmas morning
feeling guilty and selfish
cheated
not what I wanted but the best that could be given
something is better than nothing written on my face
the giver's paper thin smile an inadequate dam holding back shameful tears
no one speaks the thoughts thickly fogging the room we sit and stare in
this is the best we can do


Left to me these devices lay unfixed
not my own but mine.

Museic

Waves of sound fill this space intentionally
I want this sound around me
I need focus
I need some time
The Tempo brings an almost panic to my insides
I love hate it

Neurasthenia

wondering
a distant place unknown
but familiar
a painfully peaceful place
distant now my mind leaves my body
the body functioning sporadically
a choppy remote signal from the mind
static
gray and white bits convulsing on top of each other
the crumpled hiss
the only thing connecting the two

my mind gliding through the air of the unknown
thoughts like bombs fall and hit the ground
patternless impacts
vibrations shatter the landscape
desolate as the moon
craters haunted by a nothingness

deep in the distance I can hear the chewing of something
the fingers tapping on something
the words of another something
the real and unreal coexisting abnormally
churning over each other
tumultuous waves unsatisfied with position
the two worlds fighting
interrupting each others existence
all differentiating lines phased out
chaos
surreal chaos
an ocean of imagination and the tangible
a place longed for and from which there is no escape
distant and unknown
but familiar

Tranquilopoli

Tree covered hills like clouds
lay low on the horizons
drawing my eye from the road
winding and pulling me
my destination
an easy breath hidden away
nestled between earth and sky

Memories of time spent
of the inhabitants awaiting me

A fire burns
surrounded by voices
nestled between earth and sky

Soon my presence
of voices waiting
libations a gesture so subtle
out of sight blanketed by moon and stars

A place to breath
where eyes can smile
reflective light triggering an ancient feeling
a man no longer seen
but buried deep within
swirling around nucleotides
we become one as scent hits the brain
thick morning air
a stew of pollen
nourishing a hunger no protein could ever

A place out of sight
nestled between earth and sky

Institutionaleyes

I haven't a dollar yet I'm not sad.
I'm losing my drive for money altogether.
I want
I need
I don't care.
The more I seek happiness the more I seek unemployment.
Laziness may be a downfall, but what's down there?
I can and I will create
Ideas and the tangible
For now I will take some of my time and give it away for wages.
I am beaten by the structures
I am trapped
for now.
I must become strong
I must not be drawn to the voices of reason
they too are trapped
and the reason they sling is lined with shit
they will be freed
soon enough but not too soon.
I am only beginning to see my path and the exit it leads to
out of this place of mirrors
familiar faces like landmines
criss-cross my path relentless
smiles like bullets slow me down and bleed me
weeping pin hole death
All the hands lended turned to knives in my back
the bodies like anchors sink me.

Paradiced

Blinded by the reflecting waters of the ancient lake I'm embraced by the sun.
Cool moisture settled in the grass guide my every step towards the shore.
Green and Blue swirl before my eyes and saturate my sight.
All I see, inanimate or moving with life and breathing, send a smile in my direction.
Rays of acknowlegement like sunlight emanate from everything and touch anything seen.
A constant rhythm buried beneath life and light is the energy creating the hum to which all things occur.
A pulse.
Unseen and unheard, but obvious.
Just as the crescendo of miracle and nature are about to collide before my eyes there's the jolt back to reality.
My bare foot torn open spills the blood from within soaking the ground as I'm settled upon it once again.
Before the pain can register my eyes spot the tiny intruder left behind carelessly.
The tiny rusted piece of metal once sealed the broken glass bottle now beneath my feet.
The clear glass now running red with the juices of my realization lay innocently left behind like a treasure unwanted and never sought after.
My discovery now anger litters the timeless coast a symbol of mans neverending contribution to the one home he ever had.
The tiny stones left over from ancient giants broken down only by time.
They cannot share their disgust with me and cannot do anything to remedy their predicament.
So, together we stare into tomorrow's uncertainty beyond the horizon.
Nothing more to be said about it.
I let the tiny ripples wash my wound and watch my salty blood dissipate into the calm waters.
I turn my back on the water and find the path from which I came and follow it to where I was before.
Blended into the colorless landscape of far away faces.
No blue and no green, just white noise disguised as silence filling my ears and blurring my vision.

Shelter

Comforting are the walls you're closest to.
Firm and towering they hold all the light you require.
Like a blanket they warm you with familiarity.
A temperamental relationship
to bring shelter
or close in on you.
Most would say it's a matter of perception
but those of us witnessing the mood swings know better.
There are no eyes to be seen but still they watch.
Holding up the ceiling but ready to drop it at a moments notice.
Like the light outside the window
the walls sometimes burn bright
or hang heavy like gray sunless days.
The objects inside the walls with you are in on the whole thing
whether they serve a use or lay neglected
they taunt and trick you into defenselessness.
I cannot trust the buttons and switchs
not even the very chair beneath me is innocent.
A gathering of electronic devices and appliances like links in the chain holding you there.
Audible indicators alert you of their presence
but keep your responses neutral for the ever watching walls
could tumble at anytime.

Swell

You don't feel a vibration in your feet.
No sound.
Just bright sunshine
and blue sky
clouds.
Then your tiny hairs are straightend out
over your shoulder comes the colossal wave
ocean water blotting out the sun.
You manage one step but freeze to see the ground
smothered in the suffocating shadow.
You should take your last breath
gasp instead.
It's over you and all around you.
The pressure seals your ears as the atmosphere becomes backbreaking.
The gaping toothless mouth closes around you like a vise.
Crushed.
The life explodes out of you as the earth and sea collide.
Then it's done.
The shoreline is changed
like new
like you were never there.

Toll roads ahead.

Passed by a crossroads
I did not change direction
Decided to wait for the next one
The road underfoot wrong but comfortable will suffice for now
I've chewed my nails away and everything hurts to the touch
I've been here before
I'll wait again
For another path
Another pass
Another clearing
Forward march for now
My wounds will heal
Probably
My eyes will always find another way
Maybe
I just need to stay sharp for now
Listen for the doors behind me locking shut as the doors in front of me open wide
I know I cannot go back
Anymore
I know another path will show itself soon
Maybe
Another chance will be given without consequence
Right?

Seven

In the pain we shared
We are forever changed and connected
Never will I see you the same
A loving appreciation in the worst of times
All together until we separate from the natural path
One by one we'll watch each other fall into the final sleep
Who will be left for last is yet to be seen but none will last forever
The circle will come to close while the world turns regardless
Another group born
Another link made and experienced
Long life and laughs shared until time takes its toll in full
Another weeping day
Another sunset unseen and unappreciated.
But not today
Today we force normality and fight the days
The green outside seems dim and blurry
The drives seem longer and unbearable
Every moment left to thoughts seem to end in one place on that same face
Tomorrow scary and inevitable bring some comfort but not quite yet.

Machinery.

He wondered why his blood shot eyes.
He wondered why the time.
He wondered why the rain outside.
He wondered why the plants and trees.
He wondered why the dark.
He wondered why the obscured sky.
The moon?
He wondered why the sun.
He wondered why the job.
The objects laying.
The places to sit.
The shapes.
The shadows.
The light.
The cigarette stains the fingers.
The horribly good scent.
A film coating the inside of a water glass empty.
An electric buzz.
The tattered table leans.
What's even?
The faint hissing ring hear.
The dull fullness of bodily functions functioning.
The blur.
The pressure of bones and skin and meat.
The colors and sound and feelings no longer on speaking terms.
The realization a disconnection.
A jigsaw mirror hand me down.
The hands no longer know the face and the feet know nothing.
He wondered why the shine.
He wondered why the screen.
He wondered why the wonder.
Why was it?
He wondered.