IS PARANOIA THE CATALYST FOR MY ANXIETY?

Have you ever been Paranoid?  

We've all heard the term and I think we think we know what it means, but do we?
Or
Do I? 

I know that in my experience when I was younger the term "paranoid" meant the feeling that everyone is after you and you're crazy for feeling that way. People in movies and TV shows would be hold up in a dark hotel room with the blinds shut tight and no one coming or going. The person was also portrayed as someone insanely frantic sometimes.  Screaming and running from invisible enemies or dangers. I guess these characters could have been based on real events or real people but in my life now I know most people who are Paranoid don't really show it. Maybe because it's embarrassing or they perceive it to be embarrassing or maybe they don't even know their paranoid if that's even possible,  which I think it is, but don't know for sure.

As far as it being embarrassing I can safely assume that's a reason because that's why I think I keep my paranoid thoughts to myself and I know I'm not special and others must feel this sane way.
Very recently I've come to the conclusion that not only do I have paranoid thoughts, but also those thought may be the sparks that lights my anxiety a blaze. Hopefully that doesn't sound too dramatic lol.

Over the as two years I've made great progress with dealing with chronic anxiety. Specifically I've been able to become more aware and mindful of when it's happening and why and much quicker than I ever did in my life. I'm a way I think I've been reverse engineering my anxiety, if that makes sense. I'm able to "see" it when it begins and get a better look at what's going on in my head. My thoughts, my conclusions, my exagerations, etc. It's complicated, but now I'm seeing that once something triggers my fight or flight response no matter how big or small my mind and body go into action in creating that narrative,  or story in my mind of "how things are going to go" according to my anxious brain of course.

In the past I would be all wrapped up in the anxiety or even panic before I knew it was happening, which is too late.  I would let the story in my mind bring up my emotions and cause the chemicals in my mind to flow and without really doing much of anything,  I could literally be laying in bed, I would be in a full blown panic attack basically and completely self inflicted.
Just last week I caught myself deep in thought about something completely nuts all because of a 10 second interaction with a stranger.
I'll explain this example to give you an idea of what I'm talking about and how I have deciphered that what I'm experiencing is in fact Paranoia which can and sometimes does lead directly to my anxiety and in the past panic.
In this case my anxiety did not become overwhelming but it was definitely heightened and just so you know, I have not had a panic attack in over a year, which is great for me.
So, here is what happened: 

I work outside. I work for a company that brings me to many locations in a day and I have to work sometimes on private property; shopping centers, company parking lots, etc. 

This occasion I was in a small parking lot and to make room for myself to work I parked half on the parking lot and half on some grass. I thought nothing other than "aren't I smart for making this work for me!" little did I know I "fucked up" and was about to be  told to move. So, Im about to begin my work on a car in this parking lot when the owner of the adjacent company, not the company I was doing the job for, comes out and asks me politely if this was my van. It was so I said "yes" then the gentlemans tone and facial expression changed to anger and he said " ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW! MOVE THAT VAN! AND IF YOU DAMAGED ANY OF MY SPRINKLER HOSES IN THE GROUND I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE I SEND THE BILL TO YOUR COMPANY!" 

I said "ok" and move my van. End of interaction. Well, at least for him. For me it was another story. I began working on the car and for about 30-45 minutes I replayed the 20 second exchange in my head over and over again. I began questioning my judgement. Was I an idiot for doing this? Or inconsiderate? Then I shift over to wondering what he was doing inside of his shop. Was he stewing in there over what I did? Was he planning on coming out and saying something to me again, or worse coming over to fight me. Like, literally engage in fisticuffs? I know this might sound nuts but this is what was going through my head. I even began looking at every face who came and went through the parking lot and into his shop. Were these just customers or did he call one of his "guys" to come and handle me. Walk over to me and begin an innocent conversation only to lull me into a false sense of security and then sucker punch me or jump me or walk behind me and put a bullet in my head. I"m kind of laughing at this all now but that's where my head went, and still goes pretty often. I let my overthinking take me on an emotion journey into the depths of horror and worst of the worst case scenarios. Afterwards I tell myself that this is just too much TV and movies, but it's more than that. I'm able to stay in this frame of mind because yeah these things to happen on occasion. People can be monsters and do the most horrible things over the littlest of disputes. But usually nothing like this ever happens and the media, TV and movies just use the things to sell movies tickets, build ratings and get as much attention as possible. Still, this is where my head goes and it goes there regularly. So far nothing like this has ever happened to me but this is the process of my overthinking. I let myself build up something small into something enormous and outrageous. Eventually my work distracts me enough to move on and I do, but now that I'm being more mindful and aware I notice that more often than not my mind runs wild and it takes me some time to get things back to normal. 

Now, I just want to say that I do always get myself back to center and usually it doesn't last the entire day or carry over into the next day, but it has on occasion. This is just one recent example, but nearly every day I find that my mind kind of runs wild with paranoid thoughts about the worst case scenario in almost any and all situations. Especially if what I'm doing is something that I think is "wrong" or punishable. Like with this guy in the parking lot I felt embarrassed and stupid for doing something that was really just a simple mistake and I let my guilt drive me into the fantasy of a murderous fugitive, or at least what I think a murderous fugitive might go through thinking everyone is after him for his crimes, etc. This can be every morning for me when I'm running late to work, or if I did something I'm technically not supposed to like something against company policy or something I know I was told as a child not to do, etc. I know that might sound a little over simplified but it is usually why I get into this state of mine. So, for example if I'm running late to work I begin having an argument in my head with my manager, or someone higher up on the corporate food chain and I find myself defending myself vigorously. It takes a lot of my energy from me to be honest and in most cases what I imagine and how I imagine it to take place is rarely how it plays out in reality so why all the dramatics? Truthfully I'm not totally sure, but I think it's because I already am an anxious person with an anxious mind, a chronic overthinker and hypochondriac. So my theory is that my anxiety leads me to have paranoid thoughts and my paranoia leads me to anxiety. It's a vicious circle. Only now, very recently have I been noticing the paranoid thoughts and paranoia. Months ago and years ago I would just slip into this fantasy world and it was truly just a big part of my every day/all day internal thoughts. The more I think about it now the more it makes me feel horrible. The one thing that makes me feel better is that I am aware of it now and being mindful is a step in the right direction. The more I'm aware of it, the more I can catch myself sooner and slow down the process and hopefully soon stop it quicker. In the long run the goal of course is to stop it before it starts. Having dealt with anxiety for so long I know that I won't be able to do this overnight, but it also won't take as long as I fear it will which is forever. 

The anxiety, overthinking and hypochondria have been a part of me for longer than I know. A very young age I assume but don't know when it all began for sure. It really doesn't matter when it started, but it is important that I take the proper steps to ensure I continue to heal the way I have been. It's been a long process with big ebbs and flows of hopefulness and hopelessness. In the past year I have been more hopeful than ever but I still have some pretty bad days and terrible moments. My imagination literally runs wild on me. 

So, going forward I am going to do my best in keeping tabs on my paranoid overthinking catastrophe scenarios and hopefully reel them in faster and faster until I'm able to stop them in their tracks before they start or atleast soon after they start. 

What do you think? 

Do you think paranoia is something that could be considered a catalyst to anxiety or is this just anxiety causing paranoia and is there even a difference? 

I really want to hear from you. 

Good luck out there! and thanks for reading! 

The Louniverse 

THE BLIND ALLEY OF PASSION

At 35, my current age I still find myself pondering my passion. My purpose in life, my reason to live. That thing that I'm "supposed" to be chasing that gets me out of bed in the morning that fills my time until I'm no longer living. You know, "that" thing. (I hope my quotation marks are in the "right" places.)

If you're like me, a fellow human, then I'm sure you've pondered this before or ponder it still. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE!? WITH THIS LIFE!? NOW!? or something like that. I think about it often, almost constantly to be honest, but recently I've come to some (almost) conclusions.
I'm "almost" (quotations!?) certain that passion is whatever we want it to be and it can change. It can be your job,  but doesn't have to be. It can be your hobbies, but doesn't have to be. I think it would be nice if it was, but doesn't "have" to be.
I battle with myself pretty regularly about what I "like" and what I "love". Sometimes I love the things I like and like the things I love.  Make sense? I don't really think so either, but maybe you at least understand. Maybe? 

Ok, basically what my thought process is for example: I like/love poetry.
I:
Like to write it
Read and perform it
Sometimes I even like to read it
When I write it, it's when the muse strikes me with creativity and INSPIRATION! then boom! I open my notepad app on my phone and type away until I'm satisfied. If I think it's "done" I will read it at the next open mic I attend.
So, is this like or love?
Like I said I battle between these two ideas of like and love.  

The difference now is that I'm beginning to believe that it really doesn't matter. Like and love seem to depend on my mood, or my surroundings, or the content, company,  etc
The list of variables goes on. It's pretty fluid. So, I think "passion" is a matter of perception and drive.
Perception in the form of how the "thing" makes you feel for however long it makes you feel it.
Like, if something feels bag, E.G. being poked in the eye, you'll want it less. Unless you're into that sort of thing.

 
Or

E.G. something feels good like reading a poem in front of a crowd and getting some kind of enjoyment, catharsis, release of emotions, etc out of it. Then I tend to do that more often.  But, I have noticed that even though I love/like doing this I may stop doing it for days, weeks or months.
I always ask myself "why?"
Then get into the "love/like" debate with myself and end up back in that place. Essentially a place of unknowing which really becomes a stagnant place. I become stuck with not knowing which is right, or good, or real, etc.
That doesn't seem to be useful at all. In fact it causes stress and anxiety.
What I think is true about passion is that it can and maybe should remain in a flux-like state, if that even makes sense. Poetry can be my passion today, but maybe not tomorrow,  but then it can be again in a few days, weeks, or months. You get it, right?
So, I've been playing with the idea of:
1. Letting my love/likes come and go as they see fit and
2. Letting the things that I like to do become the things that I LIKE to do.
Make sense?  (Contact me if not, I'm serious.) 

Now, about drive.
Drive is the part that I find myself getting hung up on. The actual "action" of a thing. Sometimes I get stagnant as I stated before, but also sometimes I think of a thing I really like/love but then simply talk myself out of it based on little rules I have in my head. By "rules" I mean the things were told we can't do, or shouldn't do, or aren't fit to be like/loves. Now, I'm not talking about anything that will harm another person, so if you were thinking that I'm sorry that's not what I meant and please don't hurt anyone and if you think you should, seek help.
What I mean is the things that I like to do that are the things I do when I'm procrastinating and avoiding the "thing" I'm supposed to do like work, as I'm my job, or a task or chore. 

Ok, for example:
I love making fire. I'm a Pyro and have been since I was a kid. Yeah I know it can be a little or A LOT unsafe but hear me out.
IN A CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENT like a fire pit, pot-belly stove or in a place far from the places that can burn down, I will make a fire.
I like setting it up and watching it burn.  Building it bigger and hotter and putting things in to watch burn like toys or fireworks or whatever lol
But is this a passion? Honestly I do not know for sure, but that's probably clear to you by now. I know that I really don't know, but I think no one else really does either. I think those little things that creep up in my mind and seem to take up my attention ARE the things I should do when they pop up. This to me in-of-itself seems to be PASSION. 

A feeling arrives, however it does, but it does then you feel the need to DO something. TO DO THAT THING. That action, that whatever it is. I say do it. JUST DO IT! (fuck you nike, I'm not even capitalizing your name) JUST DO "IT!" 

IT, whatever it is. Light a fire! stare into the clouds for HOURS! Drive to nowhere with no one for NO REASON because there really isn't a reason and that IS the reason. I think this makes sense. 

OK, basically my thought on the drive, perception, like, love, LIFE all of it is that there is no reason and that is the reason. There is no rhyme or reason or purpose that we do not make up for ourselves. I've watched hours and hours of "inspirational" videos on YouTube and read things and listened to audiobooks, etc and honestly it's all good. None of it is "bad" but it's all kind of confusing and contradictory. Listen to Alan Watts and your life will change. Then listen to Jay Shetty, or Joe Dispenza, etc the list goes on and on. All of these people using their experience to relate and help others which is amazing. I love it. I watch them, I'm inspired and for a little while I float on their ideas and get some action under my feet, but it never lasts. I think it doesn't last because I'm lazy. I am, but i also think it doesn't last because it's not my path. It's not my way. My way is MY WAY and your way is YOUR WAY. I think this is the same for passion as it is for life. It's your world do with it whatever you like. Living to the fullest can be whatever you say it is and it will be. Travel the world or don't. Be happy! or don't. It's your ride.

My passion isn't anything specific right now, but something did happen tonight. I got a bug up my ass to write and here I am. It works if you let it, I think. Again, I'm glad you're reading this is you are, but please understand that I am just like you. I do not know shit and I'm making it up as I go along which is great, but also kinda scary, but still great. 

This way of life and thinking, I feel, makes the dark not so dark and the light much brighter. You and I will be dead very soon. Well, not VERY soon, but soon enough and for sure definitely sooner than we'd like. At least sooner than I'd like, you, I have no idea what you're game is. Maybe you're sprinting towards death. If so I say GODSPEED! and I also say BE CAREFUL! try to live a long time! ah hell. Do you baby!

The Louniverse

ALL YOU TOUCH AND ALL YOU SEE IS ALL YOUR LIFE WILL EVER BE.

Kudos to you if you figured out the title of this blog post are lyrics from the Pink Floyd song Breathe from their amazing album Dark Side of the Moon.
I did not steal it, I'm merely borrowing it to make a point. You'll see (maybe, I make no promises)

If you don't know the song please give it a listen. Below are the lyrics.  Read them.

"Breathe, breathe in the air
Don't be afraid to care
Leave but don't leave me
Look around, choose your own ground
For long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all your touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be

Run, rabbit run
Dig that hole, forget the sun
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down, it's time to dig another one
For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave"

Today I was driving and listening to the album for maybe the 500th time, or something like that. I've listened to these songs quite a few times and I've always knew that this song has something to do with "life" in general. Living and dieing, the rat race, our misplaced time, etc.
But
Today I was listening and that line hit me a little different than usual. "All you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be"
I was just thinking
"Yes, that must be right" it just hit me.
These lyrics can be interpreted in a million ways I know and believe me they are. I did a little research today and checked out one of those song lyric meaning forums and it's chock full of other people's opinions of the song which is fine. They were all pretty much on the same page give or take a few details. Just like any anxiety forum ironically.

To me that line means a few things. It has to do with the physical and the mental.
Physically: Whatever you see, your surroundings, the people in your life, your job, the places you choose to go and situations you choose to take part in will be your life.  Constantly surrounding yourself with assholes? Well guess what?! You're probably one of them.  Hanging out with deadbeats?
You get it.
Mentally: Whatever you think about all the time will be your realty.
Your outlook
Your concerns
Your dreams
Fears
Etc

It brought me back to the post I wrote yesterday about fear.
All I think about is my fear or how I'm  getting over my fear.
My anxiety or how I'm getting over it or past it.
Breathing exercises to calm down
Meditation
Thought replacement
All the "bad" things in my head AND all the "good" things that I do to get past the bad things really amount to the same thing.
Everything on my mind is anxiety or anxiety related. 
Fear based of some kind.

Now I know I'm in the process of healing and maybe so are you. Don't get stressed I'm not saying these methods of healing are wrong but understand that they are still part of anxiety and connected to it.
Just like methadone is connected to heroin or nicotine vape pens are connected to cigarettes. 
Meditation is a great practice for a healthy peaceful life and so is breathing exercises and eating healthy, etc
But
They must exist in their own right in my life because as long as they are in place to help rid myself of anxiety or take the place of anxiety, Anxiety is still in my life big time.
I don't want to end up in a constant struggle with anxiety for the rest of my life. Surrender and acceptance seem to be the best methods but I want to take it a step farther.
I do not know what that is yet.  Sorry. I'm still working this shit out too.

I just know that I don't want to end up like the rabbit in the song
In an early grave

I know the grave will be the place I will end up as will the rest of us but I just want to make sure I'm not sitting somewhere alone with a tense body biting my nails and rocking back and forth in a worry some anxious state as I die. 

I don't know how I'd "like" to die but I do know how I don't want to go, especially if the way I least want to go is as avoidable as anxiety.

I hope this wasn't too bleak. Thank you for reading!

As always I'd love to hear from you.

Sincerely,

Lou Raio
AKA 
The Louniverse

NOT LETTING FEAR RUIN YOUR DAY AND YOUR LIFE.

I was just about to go onto Google and begin a search about a feeling that is bothering me. I have health anxiety, I'm a hypochondriac.  So, my leg hurts in a place where I can see there's a vein. For some reason the combination of these two things sends me running to the Internet for answers and reassurance. Two things I RARELY find in a Google search about something that's bothering me either physically or mentally.

Sound familiar?

If so please keep reading. I am writing this for you. You the person reading this and me in the future also reading this. Fear has controlled my life through anxiety for as long as I can remember and today is no different.  I was just about to begin a search online through Yahoo message boards,  Web MD vague "93 possible diagnosis" sections which are always horrifyingly terrible or blogsposts from other sufferers, doctors, YouTube videos, Facebook posts, etc, etc
You know this pattern.
It's starts there and ends with more anxiety,  more questions, more irrational fears, more, more, more
Unrest
Uneasiness
Sleeplessness
Imbalance
The list can go on forever

However, the more I "research" my anxiety the more I realize we all have exactly the same symptoms, fears and follow the same train of thought nearly to the tee minus of course some very tiny individualized nuances of symptoms specific to us.

We get a "feeling" or a "thought" our body begins the process of fight or flight usually, 9 times out of 10 before we even know it and boom we run to the Internet and self diagnosis and worse seemingly convince ourselves of the worst case scenario. 
I don't get aches I get deep vein thrombosis. I get lung cancer, throat cancer, swollen lymph nodes, the silent killer widow maker heart attack! 
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I'm either fine or having the longest lasting slowest killing heart attack in human medical history.
Right?
We know we're fine but still find ourselves breaking out in sweats. Trembling. Nauseous and scared.

All of it sucks. But it is a choice.

Now I know that sounds weird. Why would ANYONE choose these things. Well, we do and we dont, but we definitely do.

An ache or a pain or a feeling, a thought, anxiety, fear,  horror,  panic...
All natural, all normal. 
WE anxious bunch of beautiful little coconuts take these normal short lived human emotions and drag them out and over think ourselves into some of the worst living a human can give to itself.
The truth sucks and it's no excuse but then again it is a condition and it is happening and feeling powerless is just as natural and normal. So, breath. It's fine. You're alive today despite all the above problems and the problems you'll find later tonight when you take your cloths off and see [insert scary body part]

It's ok.

Now, even as I'm typing this my anxiety is hard at work. My anxiety is crafty. It's after all, me. It's knows me like I know me. I can't outsmart it but I can ignore it, right?
Right now it's telling me that everything I've just written is bullshit.  No one wants to read this and basically this is all one big long attempt at reassurance. 
It's just me distracting myself from my feelings by writing this thing to distract you from your feelings all while reassuring me and maybe you.
And maybe that's true.
No. No its not.

I'm writing this because I know what anxiety is. I know how anxiety, health anxiety and all this fear has turned my life into a stagnant cycle of repeating past mistakes, getting stuck in bad unfulfilling situations and not living a life. Plain and simple. 

NOT. LIVING. A. LIFE.
Anxiety is a full time job for me on top of my other full time job.
It distracts me from every single aspect of my life every single minute of every single day for as long as I can remember.
I do not remember NOT being anxious.
Fear takes up nearly all of my energy. All of my mental capacity.  It ruins everything while leaving me just enough to participate in life from the perspective of a free to walk around prisoner's stand point. I can go and do whatever I like just as long as I don't mind the never ending over thinking chatter in my head.  The over sensitized body and the irrational fear encyclopedia chained to my feet wherever I go.
You can't call out of work by telling your boss "you can come into work today because there's just too much on your mind"
You're too busy fighting a battle in your head and cannot interact with the outside world today.
So, sorry family. Sorry job, sorry significant other, friends, and everyone else. 
Sound like your life at all?

Everyday I imagine a knight fighting a dragon. Everyday both the knight and the dragon die.  No one wins. 
Am I the knight or am I the dragon? 
Is the dragon my anxiety?
I think they're both me. They have the same eyes.  The Knight fights to the bitter end every time. He nearly defeats the dragon completely then usually is struck with a fatal blow.  A last gasp of the Dragon who is also fatally wounded and they both go down. Interpret that how you like. I think of it all the time.
Stalemate. No winner, but I feel like I still lose.
I change myself and limit myself and alter my demeanor and emotions as to not wake the beast up but in doing so I become a shadow of my former self. I am barely a person in those moments and that's my everyday.

I let my fear control my entire life.
It's lead me to so many positive outlets that have never truly helped because the fear is the strongest. It outlasts everything in me.
I've learned to meditate, breath, take a minute or ten or twenty or an hour and rest. Eat healthier. Stop smoking cigarettes, lessen my caffeine intake and I can go on forever.
All of this is because those things at one time or another gave me anxiety about my body and I dropped them in order to appease the fear. 

No more.  I'm still going to continue to eat healthy and not smoke cigarettes and not over use caffeine but I'm doing it because it's healthy and I feel good and that's it. If I have coffee I won't think about heart attacks or strokes.
If I eat something not so healthy I won't think about purging myself with water to flush it out of me ASAP because of a myriad of irrational reasons. 
I do things for me now.  Starting today. 
I choose to be happy not because it's going to pay off someday or distract me from the moment or keep the dragon asleep but because I want to be happy. That's it.
It's a choice.
Always was and always will be.
I know it. You know it. Now let's begin a practice. 
Just sit down, take a few deep breaths, close your eyes and feel the surroundings you're in RIGHT NOW.  This is the moment.  This is reality.  This is everything.

I truly hope this blog post has helped at least a little bit.  I hope you related to it and know that you're not alone and that most importantly You. Are. Fine.

I'd love to hear from you!

Sincerely, 

Lou Raio
AKA
The Louniverse

MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: ENTRY 3

Good Evening,

So, today has been kind of a rollercoaster of emotions and anxiety. I woke up and decided I wasn't going to go into work. I am feeling a bit "off" lately, for the past 3 weeks or so and wasn't really sick but decided I would not be able to perform work today. This bothers me, but I did appreciate being in the comforts of home today I cannot lie about that.

My anxiety today has been up and down. I woke up ok, but as the day has gone on I've gone from being ok to being pretty depressed and anxious to being depressed still and really anxious then back to kinda ok. I know that might sound vague as "ok" and "pretty depressed" aren't exactly medical terms I think you know what I mean. I did not have a panic attack today nor do I think I will. I'll say my anxiety was at worst an 8 and at best a 5-6 on a scale from 1-10, 1 being most mild and 10 being most severe or a full blown panic attack. I do not like the scale of 1-10 rating system but lack another system to use as a tool to describe how bad the anxiety is.

I recorded my daily anxiety vlog today as well. The link is here https://youtu.be/sLq3GWZ0j14

Today I recorded my longest video to date. It's just under 30 minutes which I think is the longest I would like to make the videos but who knows. My anxiety level was pretty high just prior to recording the video but back down to a 4 or 5 after. I wasn't panicking but lately I just feel very, very uncomfortable and unhappy. I hate this feeling. It makes me feel ashamed and unappreciative of this life that I have. It makes me feel selfish and pathetic. I don't want to die or anything like that but most of the time these physical feelings make me so self loathing and apathetic and I end up beating myself up about it. Then late this afternoon the doctors office called me to give me my blood test drug results and they weren't necessarily bad but they freaked me the fuck out to say the least. My glucose index is 6.1 and the normal level should be no higher than 5.5 I was told so I assume I have to lay off sweet stuff for a while but I could have guessed that anyway, in fact I know I have to. I'm not a terrible eater but I do enjoy garbage a little too much I know that. They also told me that my white blood cell count is a little higher than normal so they want me to do a follow up which I'll be doing tomorrow at 5:45pm. Of course this is probably just my body fighting some kind of infection or allergy which makes sense considering some of the symptoms I've been experiencing in the last few weeks. However, this is where anxiety and hypochondria kick in to high gear. My mind went into red alert. I assumed the worst and immediately went to google to find out what could possible be the cause of this. I should never do this and neither should you. I repeat, NEVER GOOGLE MEDICAL SYMPTOMS OR FEELINGS! EVER! I promise you'll thank me later. Of course you should get checked out as I did a few weeks ago and have been following up these past two weeks. Now, I did not find any horrifying information on the web, but the web is just too broad of a brush of information and of course does not know all of your symptoms, etc so please do not do it and I never will again. I am fine now. I'm scared to be honest but I'm fine really. I hate being this way. I hate letting myself get so crazy about anything and everything. Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows and as an adult I know I'm going to have to deal with some really serious issues the longer that I live. I am truly afraid that I won't be able to psychologically do so. I talk a good talk and do my best(ish) to follow my own advice but it's really, really hard. My mind is out of control and sends me reeling more often than not and I know in a way that I am my mind and it is me but I feel as if I have literally zero control most of the time of my thoughts and feelings.

My anxiety makes me essentially afraid of life and doing everyday things. Going to work, having a conversation, standing upright, everything. I was planning on going to the open mic tonight to read some poetry but I am not. I am very inconsistent in doing even the things I love doing the most. I feel robbed of my joy almost always yet I'm not really miserable. This is my norm. I don't know what it's like to be normal and although we can argue all day about what "normal" is I know that whatever I am isn't it. I also don't really remember if I ever was normal and maybe I never was. I do not know. Sometimes I feel so strong, and strong mind and intelligent and ready for anything, but really I think that's all bullshit. It must be some kind of coping mechanism maybe, I don't know. I think I might actually be very weak and out of control and a frightened child trapped in this big body. Even these thoughts and notions are exhausting me. I'm really sorry for this bummer of a blog. I like to think that living everyday to the fullest is the ultimate goal and if I'm totally honest I don't think I've done this one single day in my life. Today is no different and I'll go to bed tonight considering today a loss, but I do so with hope that tomorrow will be better. It's all I can do really.

MY PLAN-

As of right now all I'm going to do is keep myself calm and in good spirits best I can for the rest of the night. I will most likely go to work in the morning and do my best not to dread seeing the doctor tomorrow night. I am also going to keep up with my vlog and this blog and continue to talk and write about my daily experiences and feelings because 1. I feel like it's the only real thing I can do and 2. It does make me feel a little bit better, if only a little bit. I'll take it.
I also plan on bringing up a lot of this when I see my psychologist on Friday night. I like my psychologist and enjoy speaking with her and know it does help a little bit but honestly I don't feel like it's helping a lot and I'm not sure why. Is it just me? or is it just that talking about things doesn't REALLY change them? I do not know.

This is my plan and my story for today.

Thank you for reading!

Lou

MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: ENTRY 2

Good evening!

Today in my vlog I talked about doing the work when it comes to dealing with daily anxiety. You can watch here
https://youtu.be/CSnObeybcJc

Over the years I've come to the conclusion that the little things do matter and do make a difference.  Simply breathing correctly can make a world of difference.  I've come up with certain techniques on my own, some I've seeked out from word of mouth or through research and pretty much know what I have to do on a daily basis in order to keep the anxiety at bay and enjoy "normal" days. It just takes doing the work, consistently which for me is easier said than done.

The number one most important thing is getting a good night sleep! I cannot stress this enough. I am one of the worst sleepers. I literally do not want to go to sleep most days, but sleep is so important and crucial. It's the last thing you can do in your day to ensure the next day has a fighting chance at being a day with little to no anxiety. Waking up for work or in general with little to no sleep is terrible for you and perfect for anxiety. Being tired opens the flood gates for body aches,  head ache, uncomfortability, being short tempered,  frustrated, exhausted and of course anxious.  Lack of sleep allows you to begin your day, which could be a long day depending on your profession or whatever curveball the universe throws in your direction that day on a terrible note. This simple thing sleep is so incredibly important and fundamental to keeping a clear head and controlling your thoughts and feelings that without a goodnight sleep I will say it's nearly impossible NOT to have high general anxiety or even a panic attack that day. Sleep sleep SLEEP!  Tonight make sure you get at least 6-8 hours of sleep, 6 hours being the absolute minimum. 

I also found that taking a minute before starting something is key. Before driving in your car, sit there, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Do this when you wake up, before you walk into work, before you leave work and before you walk into your house. Before you do anything, take a moment. 30 seconds to just digest the moment, breath and then begin whatever it is you're doing.  This definitely helps. It's not as important as sleep but it does make a difference.  We're all in a huge rush all the time which is prime breeding ground for anxiety. I'm sure you already know this but I think it needs to be said. Take a moment, it can't hurt. Even if you're like me and constantly rushing because you're late. What's another minute gonna cost? Be one more minute late and take your breath. You deserve it.

I also try to meditate at least once a day for at least 5 minutes. Usually when I wake up. I am not being very consistent but I am trying. It's a work in progress,  obviously. 

I'm gonna stop here for tonight.  I hope you enjoyed reading this and I hope it helped, even a little bit.

Thank you and have a goodnight!

Lou

MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: ENTRY 1

Hello. My name is Lou and I have been dealing with anxiety both physically and mentally for as long as I can remember.  I am an overthinker with obsessive thoughts. I have what is now called health anxiety. My body tells me I'm going to die almost everyday, but here I am. It's exhausting. My mind is no better. It tells me too many things to keep up with, obsesses over every little thing that it shouldn't and usually takes me along for the ride despite me knowing this and doing my best to not take that ride. I do my best (ish). I've been aware about this anxiety since I was in my early 20's, I'm now 33. I'm also fairly certain I was having symptoms of anxiety as early as 12 years old. I consider myself a sensitive type, maybe even hypersensitive.  I'm so in touch with my body that I obsess about every little thing and have been getting worse over the years spanning from that young age. After all these years of "dealing" with this essentially on my own I decided to begin seeing a psychologist in August of last year. It has helped some. My anxiety seemed to lighten up until very recently. For the better part of the last 6 months I was having mostly good days. Anxiety wasn't gone, but my general anxiety was low and panic attacks were at worst a few times a month. Prior to seeing the psychologist my general anxiety was peaked every single day,  my sleep was no more than 3-4 hours a night sometimes less or none and I was living on edge every single second of the day. This was my normal. I was so used to this state that it really did not bother me as bad as it sounds. I've always had a full time job, friends, girlfriend, etc. I just kept it to myself and dealt with it, poorly, but quietly.

This past month I've been dealing with some new physical symptoms. Dizziness,  weakness in my legs, abdominal pain and some others I won't go into right now. Not because they're disgusting or indescribable but because I honestly could go on for another paragraph about them. This is hypochondria.  Another unfortunate symptom. I saw a doctor and was told alot of this stems from seasonal  allergies, which I've never had before in my life. I was prescribed over the counter Claritin and most of the symptoms have since gone away which did ease my mind. With anxiety easing my mind is the only way I can truly heal or move on. However I'm still slightly off balance and achy and just feeling off.

So....I've begun making daily vlog entries on youtube titled: MY ANXIETY A DAILY DIARY. My goal is to record 1 video a day for 30 days. Today I recorded number 17 and tonight I've decided to start this blog. I find that recording myself talking about the anxiety helps a lot. A whole lot. I highly recommend it even if you don't want to ever show or watch the video ever again. Just talking about my daily symptoms out loud each day helps me. It makes me feel better even if only for a few hours it helps. This too is helping. Writing this is giving me something to focus on other than the feelings in my chest, shoulders, neck, head, legs, all over etc and the thoughts slow or fade while I'm writing this. This helps. Do it yourself and see.

My new goal is to write a blog entry everyday as well. Once a day for 30 days, or as long as it takes.  Whatever that means. I'm slowly approaching my goal of 30 days with my vlog and know I'll continue past that 30 day mark. I guess my ultimate goal is to help myself while simultaneously helping anyone I can if I can by posting these videos and blogs to the public. If you're reading this and you can relate to it and it's helped in anyway I consider that a win. Please feel free to leave me any comments or questions.  I look forward to answering them and turning this one sided out pouring of feelings into a dialogue.  I like to think that what I'm doing here isn't just another piece of data taking up hyperspace on the internet but something that is good and I can be proud of. Something that makes me happy and leaves this world a little bit better than how I found it.

Here's the link to today's video entry - https://youtu.be/cXCxZjBjlUY

Thank you for reading this and have a good night!

Lou

Operation Grow My Own Hemp: DEVASTATION!

So, it seems this second attempt is not a success as well. I don't know what went wrong. I had 12 germinated seeds. I had "good" as far as I know top soil. I watered them everyday. The soil was not too moist, it was not too dry. I even covered it with some bubble wrap, leaving plenty of room for ventilation, to give it the greenhouse effect and keep the soil as moist and warm as possible and ward off small critters and after 5 days this is what I'm left with. 

The soil was still moist, but as I dug through it to see if any of the seeds began to take root which none of them did I noticed the soil had a bad smell. Like a bad water smell. So, the only educated guess I can make is that the soil itself was maybe packed too tight or the seeds even though they germinated may have sat in the water glass for a little too long. I don't know for sure. If you have any kind of green thumb and can pass along your two cents I greatly appreciate it. 

Since I planted these seeds last Saturday night I have picked several dozen more seeds and placed them in water to germinate them but none of them did. So, I will this weekend attempt for a third time to germinate more seeds and then plant them in the hopes of growing my own hemp. It's all about trial and error and I've got the error part down pretty good the only problem is that I'm not quite sure what my errors could be. I will try again. I will before this Summer is over grow my own hemp. MARK MY WARDS MOTHER NATURE! I WILL WIN THIS DAY! 

Wish me luck and thanks for reading! 

The Louniverse. 

Operation grow my own hemp: THE GERMINATION!

THE SEEDS HAVE GERMINATED! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!



After three days of letting about one hundred hemp seeds soak in water, twelve of them have germinated with visible shoots sticking out. I attempted to take a photo last night of the seeds but my phone was too low on battery power and would not let me take the stinking shot! So, I have attached a photo I found on the internet of germinated hemp seeds with shoots showing because it turns out they all look the goddamn same. I put all twelve seeds into wet soil last night and they have been sitting in the sunlight all day. I am very confident that I will have twelve little hemp plants by the end of this week.

I also took the remaining seeds and placed them in soil in a red solo cup. I'm calling them "Plan B hail mary seeds." If they grow something, GREAT!, if not I won't be too bummed out. If half of the germinated seeds survive the elements, the animals and my incredible procrastination I will be VERY PLEASED!

The animals are my biggest concern. Everything can go great but if the birds or squirrels get their bloody snouts and beaks into my soil they will cause devastation. If need be I will resort to thermonuclear weapons, but only if it gets to that. I may experiment with the green bubble wrap again as an added protection and for the greenhouse effect as well. I don't know if the bubble wrap made a difference last time because nothing grew with and without the wrap so it will just be that, an experiment. At the very least it will keep the monsters away. 

I will keep you updated! Until next time...Good morning, good evening and good night!

The Louniverse

Operation grown my own hemp: PART DEUX

Hello to everyone who read my previous OGMH blogs! If you've been wondering what happened, well my first experiment was not a success. The few seeds I had did not take root or grow into anything. I found a few more and attempted to leave them in water as to germinate the seeds but none of them grew roots. They were just too old, too dry or both! 

So, I ordered more hemp as you see in the photo. This is organic CBD hemp. It contains zero THC and can be used for tea, oils, food and drink, etc. I am going to use it for all of the above but I am going to germinate as many of these hundreds of seeds and attempt to grow my hemp. I have the science! I have the tech! IT SHALL BE DONE! or at least I'll give it a good old fashioned try. Who knows! Maybe I'll be the next big hemp grower in the US or just have a backyard full of suspicious looking plants. Only time will tell. I'm going to separate them from the buds tonight and place some in a cup of water. In a few days I will know if they're germinated and I will keep you posted. 

HAIL HYDRA!

Sincerely,

The Louniverse

Operation grow my own hemp: Memorial day weekend edition

HAPPY MONDAY NIGHT LOUNIVERSE UNIVERSE!

So, we're in the final moments of a long weekend, if you didn't get to have a long weekend I apologize and gladly rise up with you against your employer who I assume is Scrooge McDuck! DEATH TO THE DUCK! If you did get to have a long weekend I hope it was relaxing, fun filled and family centric or not depending on your family lol.

Moving on. If you've been following these last few blog posts about my adventures in growing my own hemp then lasty you read there was no real news to report, well unfortunately nothing is growing yet, but I did try a few different things. I removed the plastic covering in the hopes this will allow more sun and help with the moisture levels in the soil. I was home all day Sunday and all day today so I made sure to keep fresh water in the soil and move the pan into direct sunlight whenever the sun was out. Today was pretty cloudy and rainy so not so much today but yesterday I must have moved the pan 5 times. Still no visible growth.

I am not quitting, but if I do not see a sprout by the end of this week I am going to dig up the seeds for one final inspection to see if any roots broke free of the shells and if not I am going to start again from scratch. I am in the process of ordering more hemp buds which will inturn yield me more seeds and I am going to plant every single one of them! MUAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! This way I am almost guaranteed at least ONE plant which will make me very happy. Once I get some growth of any kind I can make more plants and more hemp products, etc.

Still I am optimistic that I will see some growth in the next few days and look forward to writing the words "WE GOT A WINNER! WEEEEEEEEE GOT A WINNER!" If you've seen the movie Requiem for a dream you'll understand that, if not PLEASE SEE REQUIEM FOR A DREAM ALREADY!

Anywho! Thank you for reading and fulfilling your Louniverse destiny!

Have a good night!

The Louniverse

Operation grow my own hemp: Day 3

Everything looked good today.  No visible growth yet, but that was expected.  We had our first really warm day so far this Spring,  it was in the high 80's and humid. When i lifted the plastic I could see and feel that the soil was still wet and dense but there was no excess water runoff so I assume all is well at this point. Depending on how moist it is tomorrow I may add water, if needed. I think going forward I'm going to use a glass gravity watering despensor.  This hopefully will keep the right amount of water in the soil for optimum saturation and guarantee water on the plants should I ever forget to water them, I will.

Follow up to some of my gardening research last night. I watched a few videos on growing hemp and it seems the best method is to germinate the seeds before putting them in the soil, which I did not do regrettably.  This will do a few things: 1. It will show you which seeds will grow at all and which will not. And 2. It allows the root to grow out of the seed outside of the soil which I think would ensure faster growth of plants. It's really simple,  all you have to do is place your seeds in water, preferably distilled water and wait an hour for them to sink. If they haven't sunk after an hour you can nudge them and they should sink. After that you leave them in the water until roots begin to show, but no more than 2 days. After that, if roots have grown you take the seeds and place them in wet paper towel until you're ready to plant then in a day or so. I'm gonna go do more research tonight as well.  I will definitely do this with my next batch of seeds but I do have hope for this batch. 

Well, that's it for day day 3. Thanks for reading!  Please feel free to post any comments or feedback and hey why not subscribe to my blog while you're here!

Until tomorrow!  Goodnight,

The Louniverse

Operation grow my own hemp: Day 2

Ok, so as I was rereading my post from yesterday and I realized that some of you may not even know what hemp or CBD is so I found this short YouTube video that will explain what it is and some of the health benefits as well.

https://youtu.be/31SrjjgPbhU

Last night it started to rain and rained throughout the night and pretty much all day. I uncovered the soil as you can see in the photo and it's very saturated but not flooded which I assume is good. I guess this is a good time for me to do more gardening research. I drained the overflow tray to allow more water to filter through the soil. Hopefully tomorrow it will be warmer and sunny so I can see if the plastic bubble wrap works to produce condensation and keep the soil at the right level of moisture and utilize the water better. Again, I will do some gardening research tonight.

Right now my number one goal is to get some growth and a few plants to choose from. Once I get a few little plants my plan is to separate them and have several bud producing plants. I know it takes about ten grams of buds to produce one gram of oil. The buds will also supply me with seeds for more plants. With more plants I can make oil, tea, and even have some to smoke or make tinctures with. I don't want to get ahead of myself, I'm on day 2 and looking forward to seeing some green stems poking out of the dirt. 

Thank you for reading!

The Louniverse

Operation grow my own hemp: Day 1

 I've used cannabidiol (CBD) for about a year now. I've used tinctures, oil, dabs, vape products, and Omega fatty oils and smoked and drank as a tea the leaves and buds. So far I would say it's great. I use it to relax, stay calm and focused,  keep a positive mood and sleep. I'm now attempting to grow my own CBD strain hemp for all the above reasons. For those of you who've used CBD products you know how great this herb can be and how expensive it can be as well, at least the oil. The buds and leaves are pretty cheap and can be purchased on Amazon or from one of many suppliers online.  I'm growing my own in the attempt to make my own oil, tea, and tincture.

As a former pot smoker I initially sought out the CBD strains after I noticed THC wasn't working for me any longer.  Back in college I used to be able to enjoy Marijuana almost daily for about two years. Gradually I noticed after smoking or even eating edibles I would have more energy than normal and even become jittery. After a while sometime during my junior year it was clear that Mary Jane gave me more anxiety than relaxation. I could not relax, I would have racing anxious thoughts and just general uncomfortable feelings. I'm not blaming Marijuana at all. I still love it and have since my college years given it numerous opportunities to enhance my mental state. It's been pretty hit or miss, mostly slanted towards the anxious state rather than relaxation. Again, I'm not blaming weed, I'm pretty sure my anxiety was there years before and with or without the THC I would have found my anxious state around that time in my life anyway. In-fact, over the past ten years I've struggled with anxiety free of Marijuana for most of this time. It's in me and I'm dealing with it best I can right now.

  CBD does make a difference,  a very noticeable one. It's no cure as I'm pretty sure there is no herb or chemical cure in existence but it helps a whole lot. So, today I decided to take some seeds I saved from the last batch of hemp buds I had and stuck them in Miracle Grow all purpose use top soil. As you can see in the photo, I put the soil in a four inch deep aluminum tray, poked holes about 1-2 inches apart and added some water. I also poked holes in the bottom of the tray for drainage and covered the tray with some green bubble wrap I found. I hope this will create a greenhouse effect and aid in the hydration and growth of the plants. Today is just day one and I'll be checking up on the little green monsters everyday and updating the inter-webs with this SUPER COOL BLOG!!! JOYGASM!

I hope you've enjoyed reading this and I would love to read your thoughts and hear any questions, comments or concerns you might have. If you have a green thumb and would like to give me any pointers they will be greatly appreciated!

The Louniverse thanks you!

Lou