MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: ENTRY 3

Good Evening,

So, today has been kind of a rollercoaster of emotions and anxiety. I woke up and decided I wasn't going to go into work. I am feeling a bit "off" lately, for the past 3 weeks or so and wasn't really sick but decided I would not be able to perform work today. This bothers me, but I did appreciate being in the comforts of home today I cannot lie about that.

My anxiety today has been up and down. I woke up ok, but as the day has gone on I've gone from being ok to being pretty depressed and anxious to being depressed still and really anxious then back to kinda ok. I know that might sound vague as "ok" and "pretty depressed" aren't exactly medical terms I think you know what I mean. I did not have a panic attack today nor do I think I will. I'll say my anxiety was at worst an 8 and at best a 5-6 on a scale from 1-10, 1 being most mild and 10 being most severe or a full blown panic attack. I do not like the scale of 1-10 rating system but lack another system to use as a tool to describe how bad the anxiety is.

I recorded my daily anxiety vlog today as well. The link is here https://youtu.be/sLq3GWZ0j14

Today I recorded my longest video to date. It's just under 30 minutes which I think is the longest I would like to make the videos but who knows. My anxiety level was pretty high just prior to recording the video but back down to a 4 or 5 after. I wasn't panicking but lately I just feel very, very uncomfortable and unhappy. I hate this feeling. It makes me feel ashamed and unappreciative of this life that I have. It makes me feel selfish and pathetic. I don't want to die or anything like that but most of the time these physical feelings make me so self loathing and apathetic and I end up beating myself up about it. Then late this afternoon the doctors office called me to give me my blood test drug results and they weren't necessarily bad but they freaked me the fuck out to say the least. My glucose index is 6.1 and the normal level should be no higher than 5.5 I was told so I assume I have to lay off sweet stuff for a while but I could have guessed that anyway, in fact I know I have to. I'm not a terrible eater but I do enjoy garbage a little too much I know that. They also told me that my white blood cell count is a little higher than normal so they want me to do a follow up which I'll be doing tomorrow at 5:45pm. Of course this is probably just my body fighting some kind of infection or allergy which makes sense considering some of the symptoms I've been experiencing in the last few weeks. However, this is where anxiety and hypochondria kick in to high gear. My mind went into red alert. I assumed the worst and immediately went to google to find out what could possible be the cause of this. I should never do this and neither should you. I repeat, NEVER GOOGLE MEDICAL SYMPTOMS OR FEELINGS! EVER! I promise you'll thank me later. Of course you should get checked out as I did a few weeks ago and have been following up these past two weeks. Now, I did not find any horrifying information on the web, but the web is just too broad of a brush of information and of course does not know all of your symptoms, etc so please do not do it and I never will again. I am fine now. I'm scared to be honest but I'm fine really. I hate being this way. I hate letting myself get so crazy about anything and everything. Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows and as an adult I know I'm going to have to deal with some really serious issues the longer that I live. I am truly afraid that I won't be able to psychologically do so. I talk a good talk and do my best(ish) to follow my own advice but it's really, really hard. My mind is out of control and sends me reeling more often than not and I know in a way that I am my mind and it is me but I feel as if I have literally zero control most of the time of my thoughts and feelings.

My anxiety makes me essentially afraid of life and doing everyday things. Going to work, having a conversation, standing upright, everything. I was planning on going to the open mic tonight to read some poetry but I am not. I am very inconsistent in doing even the things I love doing the most. I feel robbed of my joy almost always yet I'm not really miserable. This is my norm. I don't know what it's like to be normal and although we can argue all day about what "normal" is I know that whatever I am isn't it. I also don't really remember if I ever was normal and maybe I never was. I do not know. Sometimes I feel so strong, and strong mind and intelligent and ready for anything, but really I think that's all bullshit. It must be some kind of coping mechanism maybe, I don't know. I think I might actually be very weak and out of control and a frightened child trapped in this big body. Even these thoughts and notions are exhausting me. I'm really sorry for this bummer of a blog. I like to think that living everyday to the fullest is the ultimate goal and if I'm totally honest I don't think I've done this one single day in my life. Today is no different and I'll go to bed tonight considering today a loss, but I do so with hope that tomorrow will be better. It's all I can do really.

MY PLAN-

As of right now all I'm going to do is keep myself calm and in good spirits best I can for the rest of the night. I will most likely go to work in the morning and do my best not to dread seeing the doctor tomorrow night. I am also going to keep up with my vlog and this blog and continue to talk and write about my daily experiences and feelings because 1. I feel like it's the only real thing I can do and 2. It does make me feel a little bit better, if only a little bit. I'll take it.
I also plan on bringing up a lot of this when I see my psychologist on Friday night. I like my psychologist and enjoy speaking with her and know it does help a little bit but honestly I don't feel like it's helping a lot and I'm not sure why. Is it just me? or is it just that talking about things doesn't REALLY change them? I do not know.

This is my plan and my story for today.

Thank you for reading!

Lou

Operation Grow My Own Hemp: DEVASTATION!

So, it seems this second attempt is not a success as well. I don't know what went wrong. I had 12 germinated seeds. I had "good" as far as I know top soil. I watered them everyday. The soil was not too moist, it was not too dry. I even covered it with some bubble wrap, leaving plenty of room for ventilation, to give it the greenhouse effect and keep the soil as moist and warm as possible and ward off small critters and after 5 days this is what I'm left with. 

The soil was still moist, but as I dug through it to see if any of the seeds began to take root which none of them did I noticed the soil had a bad smell. Like a bad water smell. So, the only educated guess I can make is that the soil itself was maybe packed too tight or the seeds even though they germinated may have sat in the water glass for a little too long. I don't know for sure. If you have any kind of green thumb and can pass along your two cents I greatly appreciate it. 

Since I planted these seeds last Saturday night I have picked several dozen more seeds and placed them in water to germinate them but none of them did. So, I will this weekend attempt for a third time to germinate more seeds and then plant them in the hopes of growing my own hemp. It's all about trial and error and I've got the error part down pretty good the only problem is that I'm not quite sure what my errors could be. I will try again. I will before this Summer is over grow my own hemp. MARK MY WARDS MOTHER NATURE! I WILL WIN THIS DAY! 

Wish me luck and thanks for reading! 

The Louniverse. 

Operation grow my own hemp: THE GERMINATION!

THE SEEDS HAVE GERMINATED! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!



After three days of letting about one hundred hemp seeds soak in water, twelve of them have germinated with visible shoots sticking out. I attempted to take a photo last night of the seeds but my phone was too low on battery power and would not let me take the stinking shot! So, I have attached a photo I found on the internet of germinated hemp seeds with shoots showing because it turns out they all look the goddamn same. I put all twelve seeds into wet soil last night and they have been sitting in the sunlight all day. I am very confident that I will have twelve little hemp plants by the end of this week.

I also took the remaining seeds and placed them in soil in a red solo cup. I'm calling them "Plan B hail mary seeds." If they grow something, GREAT!, if not I won't be too bummed out. If half of the germinated seeds survive the elements, the animals and my incredible procrastination I will be VERY PLEASED!

The animals are my biggest concern. Everything can go great but if the birds or squirrels get their bloody snouts and beaks into my soil they will cause devastation. If need be I will resort to thermonuclear weapons, but only if it gets to that. I may experiment with the green bubble wrap again as an added protection and for the greenhouse effect as well. I don't know if the bubble wrap made a difference last time because nothing grew with and without the wrap so it will just be that, an experiment. At the very least it will keep the monsters away. 

I will keep you updated! Until next time...Good morning, good evening and good night!

The Louniverse

Operation grown my own hemp: PART DEUX

Hello to everyone who read my previous OGMH blogs! If you've been wondering what happened, well my first experiment was not a success. The few seeds I had did not take root or grow into anything. I found a few more and attempted to leave them in water as to germinate the seeds but none of them grew roots. They were just too old, too dry or both! 

So, I ordered more hemp as you see in the photo. This is organic CBD hemp. It contains zero THC and can be used for tea, oils, food and drink, etc. I am going to use it for all of the above but I am going to germinate as many of these hundreds of seeds and attempt to grow my hemp. I have the science! I have the tech! IT SHALL BE DONE! or at least I'll give it a good old fashioned try. Who knows! Maybe I'll be the next big hemp grower in the US or just have a backyard full of suspicious looking plants. Only time will tell. I'm going to separate them from the buds tonight and place some in a cup of water. In a few days I will know if they're germinated and I will keep you posted. 

HAIL HYDRA!

Sincerely,

The Louniverse

Operation grow my own hemp: Day 4

Another hot day today! It was in the high 80's most of the day. Plants are blooming and growing all around me, but still no growth yet on my little green seedlings. The soil was still moist and there was a very small amount of runoff in the lower pan. I think the green plastic cover is allowing a good amount of evaporation and rehydration. So far so good as far as I can tell right now. The most important thing for me right now is that no animals have disturbed the soil so far. Last year I did throw a bunch of seeds in a pot of soil and bury it and two little tiny plants out of maybe 25 seeds pushed through to the surface. For about 2 days I was growing hemp! Then on the third day it was clear a squirrel found his way to the pot and ate the plant and it's roots. Nature can be cruel, but interesting none the less.  This time I'm putting forth more effort and keeping a close eye on my project in the hopes of growing my very own hemp!

It's pretty uneventful but exciting! I will keep you posted, thank you for reading and please feel free to leave a comment or any feedback whatsoever. 

Goodnight,

The Louniverse

Operation grow my own hemp: Day 2

Ok, so as I was rereading my post from yesterday and I realized that some of you may not even know what hemp or CBD is so I found this short YouTube video that will explain what it is and some of the health benefits as well.

https://youtu.be/31SrjjgPbhU

Last night it started to rain and rained throughout the night and pretty much all day. I uncovered the soil as you can see in the photo and it's very saturated but not flooded which I assume is good. I guess this is a good time for me to do more gardening research. I drained the overflow tray to allow more water to filter through the soil. Hopefully tomorrow it will be warmer and sunny so I can see if the plastic bubble wrap works to produce condensation and keep the soil at the right level of moisture and utilize the water better. Again, I will do some gardening research tonight.

Right now my number one goal is to get some growth and a few plants to choose from. Once I get a few little plants my plan is to separate them and have several bud producing plants. I know it takes about ten grams of buds to produce one gram of oil. The buds will also supply me with seeds for more plants. With more plants I can make oil, tea, and even have some to smoke or make tinctures with. I don't want to get ahead of myself, I'm on day 2 and looking forward to seeing some green stems poking out of the dirt. 

Thank you for reading!

The Louniverse

Operation grow my own hemp: Day 1

 I've used cannabidiol (CBD) for about a year now. I've used tinctures, oil, dabs, vape products, and Omega fatty oils and smoked and drank as a tea the leaves and buds. So far I would say it's great. I use it to relax, stay calm and focused,  keep a positive mood and sleep. I'm now attempting to grow my own CBD strain hemp for all the above reasons. For those of you who've used CBD products you know how great this herb can be and how expensive it can be as well, at least the oil. The buds and leaves are pretty cheap and can be purchased on Amazon or from one of many suppliers online.  I'm growing my own in the attempt to make my own oil, tea, and tincture.

As a former pot smoker I initially sought out the CBD strains after I noticed THC wasn't working for me any longer.  Back in college I used to be able to enjoy Marijuana almost daily for about two years. Gradually I noticed after smoking or even eating edibles I would have more energy than normal and even become jittery. After a while sometime during my junior year it was clear that Mary Jane gave me more anxiety than relaxation. I could not relax, I would have racing anxious thoughts and just general uncomfortable feelings. I'm not blaming Marijuana at all. I still love it and have since my college years given it numerous opportunities to enhance my mental state. It's been pretty hit or miss, mostly slanted towards the anxious state rather than relaxation. Again, I'm not blaming weed, I'm pretty sure my anxiety was there years before and with or without the THC I would have found my anxious state around that time in my life anyway. In-fact, over the past ten years I've struggled with anxiety free of Marijuana for most of this time. It's in me and I'm dealing with it best I can right now.

  CBD does make a difference,  a very noticeable one. It's no cure as I'm pretty sure there is no herb or chemical cure in existence but it helps a whole lot. So, today I decided to take some seeds I saved from the last batch of hemp buds I had and stuck them in Miracle Grow all purpose use top soil. As you can see in the photo, I put the soil in a four inch deep aluminum tray, poked holes about 1-2 inches apart and added some water. I also poked holes in the bottom of the tray for drainage and covered the tray with some green bubble wrap I found. I hope this will create a greenhouse effect and aid in the hydration and growth of the plants. Today is just day one and I'll be checking up on the little green monsters everyday and updating the inter-webs with this SUPER COOL BLOG!!! JOYGASM!

I hope you've enjoyed reading this and I would love to read your thoughts and hear any questions, comments or concerns you might have. If you have a green thumb and would like to give me any pointers they will be greatly appreciated!

The Louniverse thanks you!

Lou

Come the nothing.

What do you do when the lights get brighter
the music gets louder
another cigarette isn't enough to calm it down
there isn't enough water to quench it's thirst?
My lips go dry and numb
my limbs tingle and go restless uncontrolled
Color and colors of things melt into each other
My peripheral is a bubbling frenzy
the inside of my eyelids is nausea
Everything that is my tangible self hangs on by an invisible thread so distant and imaginary the thought of it brings fear and disbelief.
An abstract connection that defies you to believe in it with it's own breath.
A distant deep buried scream beneath a paper thin piece of glass being held together only by the pressure of the idea that it actually exists.
The hope it does.
The brittle laws of reality so frail can be easily confused with the symptoms of death
As the body attempts regaining equilibrium the mind is turned inside out to compensate before the damage is permanent.
The constant failure to achieve this is perceived as trickery and trust inside and outside of the mind slowly die.
There is no word to describe what happens when the five senses become obsolete.
The people around you become poorly made movies of what you think the people around you should be.
There is nowhere to run
or anyone to run to.
There is nothing and this is it.

Tweedle Bruhi

Looking up to your monument of white granite
standing beneath the majesty of construction and grandeur
I'm in awe
for a moment
Lost but not quite gone
Soon the white marble peels and falls away
the concrete and steel are exposed
The bars my eyes once could not see now visible
Your hopeful smile now looks more like a smirk
the waving flag once a beacon of hope is the blindfold over my eyes
it's the plastic bag over my head from which I gasp.

Inoperable

These devices left to me
passed down
contraptions all
tinkered with
toyed
sparking smoldering fritzed
alien and complex
yielding no freedom
exposing no answers
asking no questions

Like a disappointed child on Christmas morning
feeling guilty and selfish
cheated
not what I wanted but the best that could be given
something is better than nothing written on my face
the giver's paper thin smile an inadequate dam holding back shameful tears
no one speaks the thoughts thickly fogging the room we sit and stare in
this is the best we can do


Left to me these devices lay unfixed
not my own but mine.

Museic

Waves of sound fill this space intentionally
I want this sound around me
I need focus
I need some time
The Tempo brings an almost panic to my insides
I love hate it

Neurasthenia

wondering
a distant place unknown
but familiar
a painfully peaceful place
distant now my mind leaves my body
the body functioning sporadically
a choppy remote signal from the mind
static
gray and white bits convulsing on top of each other
the crumpled hiss
the only thing connecting the two

my mind gliding through the air of the unknown
thoughts like bombs fall and hit the ground
patternless impacts
vibrations shatter the landscape
desolate as the moon
craters haunted by a nothingness

deep in the distance I can hear the chewing of something
the fingers tapping on something
the words of another something
the real and unreal coexisting abnormally
churning over each other
tumultuous waves unsatisfied with position
the two worlds fighting
interrupting each others existence
all differentiating lines phased out
chaos
surreal chaos
an ocean of imagination and the tangible
a place longed for and from which there is no escape
distant and unknown
but familiar

Tranquilopoli

Tree covered hills like clouds
lay low on the horizons
drawing my eye from the road
winding and pulling me
my destination
an easy breath hidden away
nestled between earth and sky

Memories of time spent
of the inhabitants awaiting me

A fire burns
surrounded by voices
nestled between earth and sky

Soon my presence
of voices waiting
libations a gesture so subtle
out of sight blanketed by moon and stars

A place to breath
where eyes can smile
reflective light triggering an ancient feeling
a man no longer seen
but buried deep within
swirling around nucleotides
we become one as scent hits the brain
thick morning air
a stew of pollen
nourishing a hunger no protein could ever

A place out of sight
nestled between earth and sky

Institutionaleyes

I haven't a dollar yet I'm not sad.
I'm losing my drive for money altogether.
I want
I need
I don't care.
The more I seek happiness the more I seek unemployment.
Laziness may be a downfall, but what's down there?
I can and I will create
Ideas and the tangible
For now I will take some of my time and give it away for wages.
I am beaten by the structures
I am trapped
for now.
I must become strong
I must not be drawn to the voices of reason
they too are trapped
and the reason they sling is lined with shit
they will be freed
soon enough but not too soon.
I am only beginning to see my path and the exit it leads to
out of this place of mirrors
familiar faces like landmines
criss-cross my path relentless
smiles like bullets slow me down and bleed me
weeping pin hole death
All the hands lended turned to knives in my back
the bodies like anchors sink me.

Paradiced

Blinded by the reflecting waters of the ancient lake I'm embraced by the sun.
Cool moisture settled in the grass guide my every step towards the shore.
Green and Blue swirl before my eyes and saturate my sight.
All I see, inanimate or moving with life and breathing, send a smile in my direction.
Rays of acknowlegement like sunlight emanate from everything and touch anything seen.
A constant rhythm buried beneath life and light is the energy creating the hum to which all things occur.
A pulse.
Unseen and unheard, but obvious.
Just as the crescendo of miracle and nature are about to collide before my eyes there's the jolt back to reality.
My bare foot torn open spills the blood from within soaking the ground as I'm settled upon it once again.
Before the pain can register my eyes spot the tiny intruder left behind carelessly.
The tiny rusted piece of metal once sealed the broken glass bottle now beneath my feet.
The clear glass now running red with the juices of my realization lay innocently left behind like a treasure unwanted and never sought after.
My discovery now anger litters the timeless coast a symbol of mans neverending contribution to the one home he ever had.
The tiny stones left over from ancient giants broken down only by time.
They cannot share their disgust with me and cannot do anything to remedy their predicament.
So, together we stare into tomorrow's uncertainty beyond the horizon.
Nothing more to be said about it.
I let the tiny ripples wash my wound and watch my salty blood dissipate into the calm waters.
I turn my back on the water and find the path from which I came and follow it to where I was before.
Blended into the colorless landscape of far away faces.
No blue and no green, just white noise disguised as silence filling my ears and blurring my vision.

Shelter

Comforting are the walls you're closest to.
Firm and towering they hold all the light you require.
Like a blanket they warm you with familiarity.
A temperamental relationship
to bring shelter
or close in on you.
Most would say it's a matter of perception
but those of us witnessing the mood swings know better.
There are no eyes to be seen but still they watch.
Holding up the ceiling but ready to drop it at a moments notice.
Like the light outside the window
the walls sometimes burn bright
or hang heavy like gray sunless days.
The objects inside the walls with you are in on the whole thing
whether they serve a use or lay neglected
they taunt and trick you into defenselessness.
I cannot trust the buttons and switchs
not even the very chair beneath me is innocent.
A gathering of electronic devices and appliances like links in the chain holding you there.
Audible indicators alert you of their presence
but keep your responses neutral for the ever watching walls
could tumble at anytime.

Swell

You don't feel a vibration in your feet.
No sound.
Just bright sunshine
and blue sky
clouds.
Then your tiny hairs are straightend out
over your shoulder comes the colossal wave
ocean water blotting out the sun.
You manage one step but freeze to see the ground
smothered in the suffocating shadow.
You should take your last breath
gasp instead.
It's over you and all around you.
The pressure seals your ears as the atmosphere becomes backbreaking.
The gaping toothless mouth closes around you like a vise.
Crushed.
The life explodes out of you as the earth and sea collide.
Then it's done.
The shoreline is changed
like new
like you were never there.

Toll roads ahead.

Passed by a crossroads
I did not change direction
Decided to wait for the next one
The road underfoot wrong but comfortable will suffice for now
I've chewed my nails away and everything hurts to the touch
I've been here before
I'll wait again
For another path
Another pass
Another clearing
Forward march for now
My wounds will heal
Probably
My eyes will always find another way
Maybe
I just need to stay sharp for now
Listen for the doors behind me locking shut as the doors in front of me open wide
I know I cannot go back
Anymore
I know another path will show itself soon
Maybe
Another chance will be given without consequence
Right?

Seven

In the pain we shared
We are forever changed and connected
Never will I see you the same
A loving appreciation in the worst of times
All together until we separate from the natural path
One by one we'll watch each other fall into the final sleep
Who will be left for last is yet to be seen but none will last forever
The circle will come to close while the world turns regardless
Another group born
Another link made and experienced
Long life and laughs shared until time takes its toll in full
Another weeping day
Another sunset unseen and unappreciated.
But not today
Today we force normality and fight the days
The green outside seems dim and blurry
The drives seem longer and unbearable
Every moment left to thoughts seem to end in one place on that same face
Tomorrow scary and inevitable bring some comfort but not quite yet.