MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: COMMUNICATION IS KEY

Hello!

      So I'm starting this blog a little early in the day in the hopes I complete it before 1am haha.

Everyday I feel a little bit better but the urge to Google my symptoms is still there and it's really strong this morning.  I haven't done it and will not do it but I WANT to do it, a lot. When I wake up I'm good but throughout the morning I'm feeling a little weak, specifically in my legs and feet. I'm sure this is because I'm still fighting something off but something happened today that almost sent me into high anxiety and directly onto Google to do the one thing I know will cause me nothing but grief.  I has a conversation with my boss regarding why I've been coming into work late. I explained I'm still feeling fatigued and having issues with sleeping and getting out of bed in the AM. I explained that I think the virus I'm fighting off is mono and he literally jumped back 3 feet from me as if I was contagious,  which I know at some point I was but if I were to spread it around I guess I would have done so by now, I explained.  This leas to talk about not knowing exactly what it was and doctor talk and I felt my anxiety coming up like boiling water or a strong vibration. We ended quickly,  maybe two full minutes of actual tall time but it took me the better part of ten minutes to cool myself out.  I found out that talking to myself can help me because I can control what I'm saying or thinking but I cannot control what someone else says or their inflection, tone, etc so what they say and how they day it can either easy mind or set it on fire.

It's not Midnight. I didn't complete my task, but I also didn't not complete my task! A HA! Ok, so I went to the doctor today for yet another follow up. I asked some questions regarding the possibility I'm dying of some kind of terrible illness and according to my bloodwork and how I feel I'm gonna go ahead and say no. I'm not dying, at least not anytime TOO soon. I will be dying though, I have not acquired immortality and if I did I MIGHT tell all of you. Big maybe.

OK SO! My mind is for the most part at ease. AHHHHHHHH BREATH IN.....EXHALE.....AHHH

I do feel much better. My obsessive, intrusive, anxious mind is still on non-stop repeat but I am allowing it to be. I am saying OK. Be that way and I will let the thoughts come and then let them go, as if I was watching a car whiz by me on the highway. I will do this to the best of my ability for as long as I can, or until it becomes second nature to me and I'm living in a mostly positive state of mind.

I've been listening to mindscape meditations on Spotify which consist mostly of tones at different hertz which I've read can heal and repair the mind and/or the mood. I do believe vibrations affect us as humans so this makes sense to me, plus even if it doesn't REALLY do anything it's certainly not hurting me and I'm all for the placebo affect. I also listened to a lecture by Alan Watts today about overthinking. It's one that I've heard before but today it truly resonated with me. Maybe because I've been so desperate to feel better and ease my mind or maybe because this mindscape meditation sound stuff has been settling my mind. Who knows! I don't and I don't care, all I know is that this lecture really got to me and made me think about thinking less. I"ll post the link right here - Alan Watts Check it out. It's 38 minutes of your life you can afford to spend on Youtube that isn't slap fights or Top 10 videos.

I also recorded my daily video today which you can find here - The Louniverse

I'm going to end here because I'm tired and I want to. Thank you for reading! have a good night, good morning and find me here tomorrow same place, hopefully (most likely) not same time.

Lou

MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: FACILITATING CHANGE

Hello! Good evening/early morning. 

I've been slacking with this blog but consider this a minor speed bump and will do my best to write one everyday from here on out! Please hold me to this! Only you can cure my procrastination!  No you can't. 

So the last few days have been real trying ups and downs. I do feel physically better. Whatever this virus is that I'm fighting off, I feel as though I'm getting a little better everyday. This is mostly due to me NOT googling my symptoms anymore, and I promise I'm not. And to me allowing intrusive thoughts to enter my head and not cause high anxiety.  I have convinced myself that I've either contracted HIV or Hodgkins Lymphoma,  then back to just some more common viral infection like mono or something of that nature. Now, I realize how dramatic that may sound and how much of a hypochondriac I am, but I think the only way to beat this anxiety, obsessive disorder and intrusive thoughts is to tell myself that I most likely do not have something that serious BUT if I did it would be ok and I would fight to keep myself healthy, make lifestyle changes and keep my shit together no matter what. I think taking on the intrusive, anxiety fueled thoughts is the best way to combat them. Fighting them, denying them or ignoring them has not worked AT ALL thus far. My mind can and does rationalize any possibility and with the notion that ANYTHING is possible floating around my mind I find that it's next to impossible to deny or ignore any thought no matter how unwanted or unlikely or fear filled it is. I am embracing it all and keeping my wits about me. I'm keeping my head up and focused.  I've not had a panic attack in I think weeks, at least 2 weeks maybe a bit less.  I consider this a victory. My general anxiety has spiked quite a bit during these past two weeks but never to the point of total panic. Close but not quite. I am living this life how I want to live it if it's the last thing I do. I have much work to do but I feel very much on the right track.  More so than I ever have. I'm still trying new methods for both my mind and body and will probably always try new things. Today I've discovered the soundscapes meditation of the solfeggio tones. How well this works I don't know, but I'm trying it. I'll sleep tonight with the 417hz tone in my ears and see how it affects my negative energy.  I'm trying to be as open and willing as possible to be healed and heal myself.

Good luck to us all!

Thank you for reading!

Lou

MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: THE BATTLE WITHIN

:::queue dramatic fight scene music:::

Today I had another epiphany!  Yes, I'm on a roll so you can call me BUTTA! Ok seriously.  I realized something new today. I realized that this battle in my head has been going on for a long time and when I listen to certain music it will literally play out in my head as a real battle usually with me VS some insurmountable odds.  An army of men to fight with swords or light sabers or ground warfare with tanks and guns. I usually think it's just too many movie scenes playing out in my head due to me watching a lot of that kind of stuff and loving the idea of facing those suicidal odds and coming out on top or die trying like a true hero.

Today something hit me.  This is me VS my anxieties and today for the first time I was victorious by a land slide. No self sacrificing,  no fight to the death. I won. And I realized that in a strange way the reason why I'm drawn to those kind of movies and why these little action dramas play out in my head is because I'm literally at war with myself constantly.  Today I turned it around and begun winning. This might sound strange,  I don't know But this revelation filled me with energy. It was like "come hell or high water! I WIN!" THROUGH SHEER WILL AND BRUTE FORCE!  like I've been saying these past few weeks. No matter how good or bad I feel or how good or bad my health is or whatever.  No matter what I win. I'm on top. I'm the one. Today is my day. Victory is mine etc.

Yeah. Today was pretty good and I foresee good days ahead despite all of my anxieties and true or false health issues.  This is my life and I WILL live it.

Sorry for the dramatics but this is how I need to do it. Try it, maybe you'll like it and hey, maybe it works for you too.

Have a good night and if you wake up tomorrow know that tomorrow is all you have and it's YOUR DAY!

Be well!

Lou

MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: PUTTING IT DOWN ON PAPER

Today was a good day despite the fact that it almost was a bad day. 

As I've stated before no matter what my anxiety is there just under the surface waiting to come to the forefront. At this point anything can trigger high general anxiety or a panic attack. Anything. 

I've been doing my best to follow a routine and keep myself in a positive mood and control the ideas and notions in my head as best as I can. Today was day 2 or 3 and it was fine but anxiety is most definitly there and as strong as it's been. 

Today I met with my psychologist and discussed everything from the last 2 weeks. My higher level of general anxiety, my doctors visits, etc. Everything that is causing the neurotic thoughts to bombard my brain all moments of the day, even now. 

Basically we talked about the things I am already aware of just not doing. DO THE WORK! I must and so should you. And I need to combine different methods in-order to be more sufficient. So, we discussed me writing things down on paper. As I've stated things sound "easy on paper" but are more difficult to perform. Turns out there EVEN MORE difficult to perform when you don't write them down on paper at all. So, starting tomorrow I will write down a list of things that I could do and need to do throughout the day to have a good day. This list may vary, but for the most part will probably stay the same. 

THE LIST:

1. GET SLEEP!

2. MEDITATE 20 MINUTES A DAY

3. BREATH DEEP AND OFTEN

4. PRACTICE GROUNDING*

5. CONTINUE MAKING MY DAILY VLOG AND BLOG

This list can and probably will change but not too much, I don't know, maybe. It's all a work in progress. *GROUNDING is when you ground yourself by going through the 5 senses in-order to come yourself down. For example. YOu can say to yourself: I see and name 5 different things you see, I hear and name 4 different things you hear, I feel and name 3 different things you feel, I smell and name 2 different things you smell and I taste and name something you taste. It's basically going through all 5 senses one by one to focus your mind and calm yourself down and ground you back into reality. It really helps during a panic attack, but she recommended that I do it for my general anxiety as well and I will. 

That is all for now! Have a good night and Tomorrow will be better! 

Lou

MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: MIND OVER EVERYTHING

Hello!

Ok, so today was a great day. Anxiety is still here. Panic is still here. Obsessive overthinking and worry is also still here BUT it was still a great day. I have done a good job keeping my mind occupied on the things that I want it to be occupied on. Plain and simple.

THROUGH SHEER WILL AND BRUTE FORCE!

I recorded my vlog this morning and you can find it here - https://youtu.be/vQdVRebRAnE

And used the old and simple yet quite affective rule of mind over matter,  mind over EVERYTHING! 

It's not easy and as I stated above all of my issues remain. I have just not allowed myself to indulge them or focus on them nearly as much as normal,  not even as much as yesterday. I know that I have to continue to so this tomorrow and for the indefinite foreseeable future most likely but it's a small price to pay considering my other option is fear soaked nightmarish anxiety and panic.

I know that today is just day 1. I know that and I know that I sound like someone who quit cigarettes on their day one but I also know how important this is and how CAPABLE I am to do this. Today was far from perfect but it was a great start. My body is in a constant state of twitches, aches and bumps and tugs and vibrations and little eruptions of pain so the road is long but the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. I believe this and will continue on this path for as long as I can as best I can.

Ok MY PLAN:

1. TO CONTINUE WITH MY ROUTINE BEGINNING WITH A GOOD NIGHT SLEEP TONIGHT TO ALMOST ENSURE TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER THAN TODAY.

2. MY MANTRA - THROUGH SHEER WILL AND BRUTE FORCE I WILL CONQUER MY MIND AND BODY.

3. BREATH.  MEDITATE. LAUGH AND REPEAT.

Thank you for reading and I hope this wasn't too cliche and in fact helped you as well.

Goodnight! 

Lou

MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: DOCTORS VISIT

Hello!

Ok so if you've been following my vlog which you can see here - https://youtu.be/UMzQ4mYmYPA you know that I had to go to the doctor today to follow up on some blood work. They called me yesterday and told me my sugar was a little high which I could have guessed and will refrain from eating ice cream at 1am for a while, maybe. And that my white blood cell count was also a little high.  So of course freaked out a bit but through sheer will and brute force got through the night and all of today and went to the doctors office for a follow up. I have been fighting off some kind of illness. They originally thought it was allergies and I thought it was an infection of some kind so somewhere in the middle is the reason for my WBC count to be high and there's no reason for me to freak out. I really was scared and usually thus is what happens to me over anything and almost everything. Anxiety has made me a hypochondriac.  Or maybe I always was a hypochondriac and that gave me anxiety.  This seems to be the running theme for me. What causes what? Does the illness give me anxiety or dies anxiety make me ill? It's truly hard to tell.

Ok so I was going to write something longer but it's late and I've decided to wrap up here with my plan. Tomorrow is another day.

MY PLAN:

1. I have been repeating the mantra: "THROUGH SHEER WILL AND BRUTE FORCE" followed by whatever it is I have to do and it is helping for whatever reason so I'm going to continue doing that until it stops working. 

2. I truly believe that whatever kind of thoughts you place in your head is the state you'll be in and the reality and future you'll have. It's as cliche as some meme but I belive it's true. I am going to put forth my greatest effort to control the thoughts I put in my head. I know anxiety will also be filling me with the same old nonsense but I will focus my energy on what I want to think. I think and hope this will work.

3. I am going to follow a strict(er) regiment.  Going to bed early, waking up early,  meditation and yoga at least once a day and not do what I did tonight despite visiting the doctor which is stay up til 2am and eat what I assume was like 4 servings of ice cream. It was 1 serving for me but definitely not A serving of ice cream. Yeah, that.

Ok.  Tomorrow is another day to try again. Thank you for reading, good luck to you and goodnight/morning!

Lou

MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: ENTRY 3

Good Evening,

So, today has been kind of a rollercoaster of emotions and anxiety. I woke up and decided I wasn't going to go into work. I am feeling a bit "off" lately, for the past 3 weeks or so and wasn't really sick but decided I would not be able to perform work today. This bothers me, but I did appreciate being in the comforts of home today I cannot lie about that.

My anxiety today has been up and down. I woke up ok, but as the day has gone on I've gone from being ok to being pretty depressed and anxious to being depressed still and really anxious then back to kinda ok. I know that might sound vague as "ok" and "pretty depressed" aren't exactly medical terms I think you know what I mean. I did not have a panic attack today nor do I think I will. I'll say my anxiety was at worst an 8 and at best a 5-6 on a scale from 1-10, 1 being most mild and 10 being most severe or a full blown panic attack. I do not like the scale of 1-10 rating system but lack another system to use as a tool to describe how bad the anxiety is.

I recorded my daily anxiety vlog today as well. The link is here https://youtu.be/sLq3GWZ0j14

Today I recorded my longest video to date. It's just under 30 minutes which I think is the longest I would like to make the videos but who knows. My anxiety level was pretty high just prior to recording the video but back down to a 4 or 5 after. I wasn't panicking but lately I just feel very, very uncomfortable and unhappy. I hate this feeling. It makes me feel ashamed and unappreciative of this life that I have. It makes me feel selfish and pathetic. I don't want to die or anything like that but most of the time these physical feelings make me so self loathing and apathetic and I end up beating myself up about it. Then late this afternoon the doctors office called me to give me my blood test drug results and they weren't necessarily bad but they freaked me the fuck out to say the least. My glucose index is 6.1 and the normal level should be no higher than 5.5 I was told so I assume I have to lay off sweet stuff for a while but I could have guessed that anyway, in fact I know I have to. I'm not a terrible eater but I do enjoy garbage a little too much I know that. They also told me that my white blood cell count is a little higher than normal so they want me to do a follow up which I'll be doing tomorrow at 5:45pm. Of course this is probably just my body fighting some kind of infection or allergy which makes sense considering some of the symptoms I've been experiencing in the last few weeks. However, this is where anxiety and hypochondria kick in to high gear. My mind went into red alert. I assumed the worst and immediately went to google to find out what could possible be the cause of this. I should never do this and neither should you. I repeat, NEVER GOOGLE MEDICAL SYMPTOMS OR FEELINGS! EVER! I promise you'll thank me later. Of course you should get checked out as I did a few weeks ago and have been following up these past two weeks. Now, I did not find any horrifying information on the web, but the web is just too broad of a brush of information and of course does not know all of your symptoms, etc so please do not do it and I never will again. I am fine now. I'm scared to be honest but I'm fine really. I hate being this way. I hate letting myself get so crazy about anything and everything. Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows and as an adult I know I'm going to have to deal with some really serious issues the longer that I live. I am truly afraid that I won't be able to psychologically do so. I talk a good talk and do my best(ish) to follow my own advice but it's really, really hard. My mind is out of control and sends me reeling more often than not and I know in a way that I am my mind and it is me but I feel as if I have literally zero control most of the time of my thoughts and feelings.

My anxiety makes me essentially afraid of life and doing everyday things. Going to work, having a conversation, standing upright, everything. I was planning on going to the open mic tonight to read some poetry but I am not. I am very inconsistent in doing even the things I love doing the most. I feel robbed of my joy almost always yet I'm not really miserable. This is my norm. I don't know what it's like to be normal and although we can argue all day about what "normal" is I know that whatever I am isn't it. I also don't really remember if I ever was normal and maybe I never was. I do not know. Sometimes I feel so strong, and strong mind and intelligent and ready for anything, but really I think that's all bullshit. It must be some kind of coping mechanism maybe, I don't know. I think I might actually be very weak and out of control and a frightened child trapped in this big body. Even these thoughts and notions are exhausting me. I'm really sorry for this bummer of a blog. I like to think that living everyday to the fullest is the ultimate goal and if I'm totally honest I don't think I've done this one single day in my life. Today is no different and I'll go to bed tonight considering today a loss, but I do so with hope that tomorrow will be better. It's all I can do really.

MY PLAN-

As of right now all I'm going to do is keep myself calm and in good spirits best I can for the rest of the night. I will most likely go to work in the morning and do my best not to dread seeing the doctor tomorrow night. I am also going to keep up with my vlog and this blog and continue to talk and write about my daily experiences and feelings because 1. I feel like it's the only real thing I can do and 2. It does make me feel a little bit better, if only a little bit. I'll take it.
I also plan on bringing up a lot of this when I see my psychologist on Friday night. I like my psychologist and enjoy speaking with her and know it does help a little bit but honestly I don't feel like it's helping a lot and I'm not sure why. Is it just me? or is it just that talking about things doesn't REALLY change them? I do not know.

This is my plan and my story for today.

Thank you for reading!

Lou