THE BLIND ALLEY OF PASSION

At 35, my current age I still find myself pondering my passion. My purpose in life, my reason to live. That thing that I'm "supposed" to be chasing that gets me out of bed in the morning that fills my time until I'm no longer living. You know, "that" thing. (I hope my quotation marks are in the "right" places.)

If you're like me, a fellow human, then I'm sure you've pondered this before or ponder it still. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE!? WITH THIS LIFE!? NOW!? or something like that. I think about it often, almost constantly to be honest, but recently I've come to some (almost) conclusions.
I'm "almost" (quotations!?) certain that passion is whatever we want it to be and it can change. It can be your job,  but doesn't have to be. It can be your hobbies, but doesn't have to be. I think it would be nice if it was, but doesn't "have" to be.
I battle with myself pretty regularly about what I "like" and what I "love". Sometimes I love the things I like and like the things I love.  Make sense? I don't really think so either, but maybe you at least understand. Maybe? 

Ok, basically what my thought process is for example: I like/love poetry.
I:
Like to write it
Read and perform it
Sometimes I even like to read it
When I write it, it's when the muse strikes me with creativity and INSPIRATION! then boom! I open my notepad app on my phone and type away until I'm satisfied. If I think it's "done" I will read it at the next open mic I attend.
So, is this like or love?
Like I said I battle between these two ideas of like and love.  

The difference now is that I'm beginning to believe that it really doesn't matter. Like and love seem to depend on my mood, or my surroundings, or the content, company,  etc
The list of variables goes on. It's pretty fluid. So, I think "passion" is a matter of perception and drive.
Perception in the form of how the "thing" makes you feel for however long it makes you feel it.
Like, if something feels bag, E.G. being poked in the eye, you'll want it less. Unless you're into that sort of thing.

 
Or

E.G. something feels good like reading a poem in front of a crowd and getting some kind of enjoyment, catharsis, release of emotions, etc out of it. Then I tend to do that more often.  But, I have noticed that even though I love/like doing this I may stop doing it for days, weeks or months.
I always ask myself "why?"
Then get into the "love/like" debate with myself and end up back in that place. Essentially a place of unknowing which really becomes a stagnant place. I become stuck with not knowing which is right, or good, or real, etc.
That doesn't seem to be useful at all. In fact it causes stress and anxiety.
What I think is true about passion is that it can and maybe should remain in a flux-like state, if that even makes sense. Poetry can be my passion today, but maybe not tomorrow,  but then it can be again in a few days, weeks, or months. You get it, right?
So, I've been playing with the idea of:
1. Letting my love/likes come and go as they see fit and
2. Letting the things that I like to do become the things that I LIKE to do.
Make sense?  (Contact me if not, I'm serious.) 

Now, about drive.
Drive is the part that I find myself getting hung up on. The actual "action" of a thing. Sometimes I get stagnant as I stated before, but also sometimes I think of a thing I really like/love but then simply talk myself out of it based on little rules I have in my head. By "rules" I mean the things were told we can't do, or shouldn't do, or aren't fit to be like/loves. Now, I'm not talking about anything that will harm another person, so if you were thinking that I'm sorry that's not what I meant and please don't hurt anyone and if you think you should, seek help.
What I mean is the things that I like to do that are the things I do when I'm procrastinating and avoiding the "thing" I'm supposed to do like work, as I'm my job, or a task or chore. 

Ok, for example:
I love making fire. I'm a Pyro and have been since I was a kid. Yeah I know it can be a little or A LOT unsafe but hear me out.
IN A CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENT like a fire pit, pot-belly stove or in a place far from the places that can burn down, I will make a fire.
I like setting it up and watching it burn.  Building it bigger and hotter and putting things in to watch burn like toys or fireworks or whatever lol
But is this a passion? Honestly I do not know for sure, but that's probably clear to you by now. I know that I really don't know, but I think no one else really does either. I think those little things that creep up in my mind and seem to take up my attention ARE the things I should do when they pop up. This to me in-of-itself seems to be PASSION. 

A feeling arrives, however it does, but it does then you feel the need to DO something. TO DO THAT THING. That action, that whatever it is. I say do it. JUST DO IT! (fuck you nike, I'm not even capitalizing your name) JUST DO "IT!" 

IT, whatever it is. Light a fire! stare into the clouds for HOURS! Drive to nowhere with no one for NO REASON because there really isn't a reason and that IS the reason. I think this makes sense. 

OK, basically my thought on the drive, perception, like, love, LIFE all of it is that there is no reason and that is the reason. There is no rhyme or reason or purpose that we do not make up for ourselves. I've watched hours and hours of "inspirational" videos on YouTube and read things and listened to audiobooks, etc and honestly it's all good. None of it is "bad" but it's all kind of confusing and contradictory. Listen to Alan Watts and your life will change. Then listen to Jay Shetty, or Joe Dispenza, etc the list goes on and on. All of these people using their experience to relate and help others which is amazing. I love it. I watch them, I'm inspired and for a little while I float on their ideas and get some action under my feet, but it never lasts. I think it doesn't last because I'm lazy. I am, but i also think it doesn't last because it's not my path. It's not my way. My way is MY WAY and your way is YOUR WAY. I think this is the same for passion as it is for life. It's your world do with it whatever you like. Living to the fullest can be whatever you say it is and it will be. Travel the world or don't. Be happy! or don't. It's your ride.

My passion isn't anything specific right now, but something did happen tonight. I got a bug up my ass to write and here I am. It works if you let it, I think. Again, I'm glad you're reading this is you are, but please understand that I am just like you. I do not know shit and I'm making it up as I go along which is great, but also kinda scary, but still great. 

This way of life and thinking, I feel, makes the dark not so dark and the light much brighter. You and I will be dead very soon. Well, not VERY soon, but soon enough and for sure definitely sooner than we'd like. At least sooner than I'd like, you, I have no idea what you're game is. Maybe you're sprinting towards death. If so I say GODSPEED! and I also say BE CAREFUL! try to live a long time! ah hell. Do you baby!

The Louniverse

ALL YOU TOUCH AND ALL YOU SEE IS ALL YOUR LIFE WILL EVER BE.

Kudos to you if you figured out the title of this blog post are lyrics from the Pink Floyd song Breathe from their amazing album Dark Side of the Moon.
I did not steal it, I'm merely borrowing it to make a point. You'll see (maybe, I make no promises)

If you don't know the song please give it a listen. Below are the lyrics.  Read them.

"Breathe, breathe in the air
Don't be afraid to care
Leave but don't leave me
Look around, choose your own ground
For long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all your touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be

Run, rabbit run
Dig that hole, forget the sun
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down, it's time to dig another one
For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave"

Today I was driving and listening to the album for maybe the 500th time, or something like that. I've listened to these songs quite a few times and I've always knew that this song has something to do with "life" in general. Living and dieing, the rat race, our misplaced time, etc.
But
Today I was listening and that line hit me a little different than usual. "All you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be"
I was just thinking
"Yes, that must be right" it just hit me.
These lyrics can be interpreted in a million ways I know and believe me they are. I did a little research today and checked out one of those song lyric meaning forums and it's chock full of other people's opinions of the song which is fine. They were all pretty much on the same page give or take a few details. Just like any anxiety forum ironically.

To me that line means a few things. It has to do with the physical and the mental.
Physically: Whatever you see, your surroundings, the people in your life, your job, the places you choose to go and situations you choose to take part in will be your life.  Constantly surrounding yourself with assholes? Well guess what?! You're probably one of them.  Hanging out with deadbeats?
You get it.
Mentally: Whatever you think about all the time will be your realty.
Your outlook
Your concerns
Your dreams
Fears
Etc

It brought me back to the post I wrote yesterday about fear.
All I think about is my fear or how I'm  getting over my fear.
My anxiety or how I'm getting over it or past it.
Breathing exercises to calm down
Meditation
Thought replacement
All the "bad" things in my head AND all the "good" things that I do to get past the bad things really amount to the same thing.
Everything on my mind is anxiety or anxiety related. 
Fear based of some kind.

Now I know I'm in the process of healing and maybe so are you. Don't get stressed I'm not saying these methods of healing are wrong but understand that they are still part of anxiety and connected to it.
Just like methadone is connected to heroin or nicotine vape pens are connected to cigarettes. 
Meditation is a great practice for a healthy peaceful life and so is breathing exercises and eating healthy, etc
But
They must exist in their own right in my life because as long as they are in place to help rid myself of anxiety or take the place of anxiety, Anxiety is still in my life big time.
I don't want to end up in a constant struggle with anxiety for the rest of my life. Surrender and acceptance seem to be the best methods but I want to take it a step farther.
I do not know what that is yet.  Sorry. I'm still working this shit out too.

I just know that I don't want to end up like the rabbit in the song
In an early grave

I know the grave will be the place I will end up as will the rest of us but I just want to make sure I'm not sitting somewhere alone with a tense body biting my nails and rocking back and forth in a worry some anxious state as I die. 

I don't know how I'd "like" to die but I do know how I don't want to go, especially if the way I least want to go is as avoidable as anxiety.

I hope this wasn't too bleak. Thank you for reading!

As always I'd love to hear from you.

Sincerely,

Lou Raio
AKA 
The Louniverse

NOT LETTING FEAR RUIN YOUR DAY AND YOUR LIFE.

I was just about to go onto Google and begin a search about a feeling that is bothering me. I have health anxiety, I'm a hypochondriac.  So, my leg hurts in a place where I can see there's a vein. For some reason the combination of these two things sends me running to the Internet for answers and reassurance. Two things I RARELY find in a Google search about something that's bothering me either physically or mentally.

Sound familiar?

If so please keep reading. I am writing this for you. You the person reading this and me in the future also reading this. Fear has controlled my life through anxiety for as long as I can remember and today is no different.  I was just about to begin a search online through Yahoo message boards,  Web MD vague "93 possible diagnosis" sections which are always horrifyingly terrible or blogsposts from other sufferers, doctors, YouTube videos, Facebook posts, etc, etc
You know this pattern.
It's starts there and ends with more anxiety,  more questions, more irrational fears, more, more, more
Unrest
Uneasiness
Sleeplessness
Imbalance
The list can go on forever

However, the more I "research" my anxiety the more I realize we all have exactly the same symptoms, fears and follow the same train of thought nearly to the tee minus of course some very tiny individualized nuances of symptoms specific to us.

We get a "feeling" or a "thought" our body begins the process of fight or flight usually, 9 times out of 10 before we even know it and boom we run to the Internet and self diagnosis and worse seemingly convince ourselves of the worst case scenario. 
I don't get aches I get deep vein thrombosis. I get lung cancer, throat cancer, swollen lymph nodes, the silent killer widow maker heart attack! 
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I'm either fine or having the longest lasting slowest killing heart attack in human medical history.
Right?
We know we're fine but still find ourselves breaking out in sweats. Trembling. Nauseous and scared.

All of it sucks. But it is a choice.

Now I know that sounds weird. Why would ANYONE choose these things. Well, we do and we dont, but we definitely do.

An ache or a pain or a feeling, a thought, anxiety, fear,  horror,  panic...
All natural, all normal. 
WE anxious bunch of beautiful little coconuts take these normal short lived human emotions and drag them out and over think ourselves into some of the worst living a human can give to itself.
The truth sucks and it's no excuse but then again it is a condition and it is happening and feeling powerless is just as natural and normal. So, breath. It's fine. You're alive today despite all the above problems and the problems you'll find later tonight when you take your cloths off and see [insert scary body part]

It's ok.

Now, even as I'm typing this my anxiety is hard at work. My anxiety is crafty. It's after all, me. It's knows me like I know me. I can't outsmart it but I can ignore it, right?
Right now it's telling me that everything I've just written is bullshit.  No one wants to read this and basically this is all one big long attempt at reassurance. 
It's just me distracting myself from my feelings by writing this thing to distract you from your feelings all while reassuring me and maybe you.
And maybe that's true.
No. No its not.

I'm writing this because I know what anxiety is. I know how anxiety, health anxiety and all this fear has turned my life into a stagnant cycle of repeating past mistakes, getting stuck in bad unfulfilling situations and not living a life. Plain and simple. 

NOT. LIVING. A. LIFE.
Anxiety is a full time job for me on top of my other full time job.
It distracts me from every single aspect of my life every single minute of every single day for as long as I can remember.
I do not remember NOT being anxious.
Fear takes up nearly all of my energy. All of my mental capacity.  It ruins everything while leaving me just enough to participate in life from the perspective of a free to walk around prisoner's stand point. I can go and do whatever I like just as long as I don't mind the never ending over thinking chatter in my head.  The over sensitized body and the irrational fear encyclopedia chained to my feet wherever I go.
You can't call out of work by telling your boss "you can come into work today because there's just too much on your mind"
You're too busy fighting a battle in your head and cannot interact with the outside world today.
So, sorry family. Sorry job, sorry significant other, friends, and everyone else. 
Sound like your life at all?

Everyday I imagine a knight fighting a dragon. Everyday both the knight and the dragon die.  No one wins. 
Am I the knight or am I the dragon? 
Is the dragon my anxiety?
I think they're both me. They have the same eyes.  The Knight fights to the bitter end every time. He nearly defeats the dragon completely then usually is struck with a fatal blow.  A last gasp of the Dragon who is also fatally wounded and they both go down. Interpret that how you like. I think of it all the time.
Stalemate. No winner, but I feel like I still lose.
I change myself and limit myself and alter my demeanor and emotions as to not wake the beast up but in doing so I become a shadow of my former self. I am barely a person in those moments and that's my everyday.

I let my fear control my entire life.
It's lead me to so many positive outlets that have never truly helped because the fear is the strongest. It outlasts everything in me.
I've learned to meditate, breath, take a minute or ten or twenty or an hour and rest. Eat healthier. Stop smoking cigarettes, lessen my caffeine intake and I can go on forever.
All of this is because those things at one time or another gave me anxiety about my body and I dropped them in order to appease the fear. 

No more.  I'm still going to continue to eat healthy and not smoke cigarettes and not over use caffeine but I'm doing it because it's healthy and I feel good and that's it. If I have coffee I won't think about heart attacks or strokes.
If I eat something not so healthy I won't think about purging myself with water to flush it out of me ASAP because of a myriad of irrational reasons. 
I do things for me now.  Starting today. 
I choose to be happy not because it's going to pay off someday or distract me from the moment or keep the dragon asleep but because I want to be happy. That's it.
It's a choice.
Always was and always will be.
I know it. You know it. Now let's begin a practice. 
Just sit down, take a few deep breaths, close your eyes and feel the surroundings you're in RIGHT NOW.  This is the moment.  This is reality.  This is everything.

I truly hope this blog post has helped at least a little bit.  I hope you related to it and know that you're not alone and that most importantly You. Are. Fine.

I'd love to hear from you!

Sincerely, 

Lou Raio
AKA
The Louniverse

The year of anxiety

For those of you reading this who haven't followed my story on YouTube or Instagram these past eleven months I will give you a quick synapses of the progression of my anxiety thus far.

Back in February of this year, a few days after valentine's day I began feeling dizzy at work. I immediately began to have a panic attack and left work and drove myself to a walk-in clinic because I thought my imbalance was something very serious, possibly death. It obviously was not death, thankfully.
This lead me to just about two straight weeks of extremely high anxiety and panic to the point where I was constantly shaking and afraid.  My pupils were dilated, my stomach was in my throat, my feet did not support my own body weight and I was barely staying asleep at night. It was terrible.
This lead me to a doctor for the first time in well over a decade and began an almost year long series of blood tests, fear, anxiety, getting an MRI on my brain, seeing specialist after specialist, racking up thousands of dollars in medical bills (which I've refused to pay because of course I was going to die and paying the bills would be a waste. I'm still alive and the letters and phone calls come daily.) and nothing but more questions that I began with back in February. 

I was given a clean bill of health back in June, basically, and through my own research, mindfulness, meditation,  acceptance, sheer will and brute force I began to feel better day by day and thought the worst was behind me and brighter days were ahead, and they were, for a while.

Fast forward to-
Thanksgiving night I was woken up from a dead sleep with my arms and legs vibrating hard. Tremors, pulsing, I'm still not quite sure but it was scary and when I got out of bed my limbs were heavy and weak and I had my first real scary panic attack in months. Thinking I was going to die (of course) I made an appointment with my friendly new doctor friends and had another blood test and they recommended that I see both a neurologist and cardiologist.  Scary. 
I got a check up from the neurologist this past weekend and he informed me that I do have a pinched nerve in my left leg and Carpal Tunnel in both of my hands. Not great, but clearly not life threatening.  He also informed me that I have panic disorder and anxiety and that I should consider medication specifically Lexapro .  I informed him that I'm also a hypochondriac and we laughed. I'm always a bit more cheery about this when in the safe confines of a doctor's office or hospital.  This is the first time in my life I'm actually considering medication. 

The cardiologist visit was not too bad, but did not wrap up nicely after the one visit. The EKG showed that I have a palpitation when I take deep breaths and the doc recommended I get a stress test and a sonogram on my heart.  I had the stress test earlier this week and it seemed to go well. I will follow up with the cardiologist in a few weeks after I get the sonogram but feel fairly confident all of this will come down to anxiety. I hope.
I know that sounds nuts, but I hope it's only anxiety and not a real heart issue.  Being a fatass cigarette smoker for the past decade plus is eventually going to catch up with me. Changes are being made,  I'll get into that later. 
I still feel palpitations.  It bugs the shit out of me, which causes daily anxiety and it's just shit all around. The cycle is awful. Anxiety that causes physical symptoms and physical symptoms that cause anxiety. I'm exhausted.  Mentally,  physically and spiritually.  I'm ok, but, I'm tired. (I know, I know, I know.) 

This is my main reason for truly leaning towards a pill. The idea that I will be able to get through a day without feeling this way and thinking about death is great,  maybe I'm getting my hopes up but I like this idea. I'm seeing my psychologist at the end of this week and will discuss it with her. I see her twice a month. It helps, I highly recommend talking to someone a few times a month or more if you can afford it. Contact me if you would like to discuss.

So here I am. It's a few days before Christmas which is WAY longer than I thought I'd still be dealing with this string of issues.  Is it even a string? I don't really know for sure, but it feels like it has been and my mind can and will connect anything together that supports whatever my mind needs to connect to fulfil the catastrophic movie in my head.  Hooray!

I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember but this past year was when it really morphed into hypochondria. My fear of death and my over thinking, over analysing mind really outdid itself this year and truly deserves a gold medal. 

My mind is still not at ease. Is anyone's?  I don't really know, but this state is too much on most days.

::CONTINUED ON NEW YEARS EVE::

Today is the last day of 2017 and I honestly did not believe I would live to see this day when this all began back I'm February. 

I had the sonogram on my heart earlier this week which was scary in of itself. Staring at a black and white screen with only  my literal beating heart to stare at fir the better part of an hour was uncomfortable but I got through it. I watched my palpatations happen is real time.  I felt my heart skip a beat and watched it lay seemingly lifeless for a second on a grainy screen and was forced to keep myself calm. I didn't like it but I'm fine.

I have my follow up meeting with the doctor on Friday and my next appointment with my psychologist the same afternoon. This has become my hypochondriac life. Meeting doctors,  having follow ups, worrying in wait and having my mind reassured only to have my anxiety spill into another area of my body so that my mind can stress about another major organ and the terminal illnesses that could be found therein.

The last few weeks I have felt fine. Better than fine. I gave been really practicing the mantras of "my thoughts are just my thoughts" and "my feelings are just my feelings" AND IT HAS BEEN WORKING. mindfulness and acceptance work. No method is perfection but this seems to be working great because I know it's not going to rid me of the anxious thoughts and feeling but instead allow me to live with them and desensitize myself over time. I feel good about this.

Ok, if you've read this far bless your little heart. I was hoping not to ramble and go all over the place but this was a complicated year and I'm sharing this story for my own personal mental health and growth and also for anyone else out there who's had similar experiences and maybe needs to read something like this to simply know that you're not alone. Also, maybe you'd like to share your story. You can do that here. 😊

Having stayed all of the above I must say that even though I felt very uneasy a lot of this year and still have feelings of uncertainty and dread I am truly better from all of these experiences.  I write it again. I am better for having gone through all of this anxiety.
I am much more of an empathetic person. I am less cynical,  less sarcastic,  more hopeful,  more positive and more understanding than I ever have been in my entire life.

There is no ego melting experience quite like a severe panic attack that not only seizes the mind and spirit but mimics all the physical symptoms of immediate death and destruction.  This year has changed me for the better.

GOING FORWARD INTO THE UNKNOWN

This year I've made better choices regarding my health.  I stopped eating meat in July and haven't looked back. I plan on becoming a vegan, in time. Cheese has a hold over me and no piece of meat can compare to a hunk of mozzarella haha. I'm getting there.

I've also quit and started smoking a few times this year. Today I had my last two cigarettes hopefully forever.  I love them but they do not serve me I'm any truly positive way except for being delicious and mentally satisfying.  I will do my best to use only e-cigarettes going forward and not cave into lighting another cancer stuck ever again. Time will tell.

I'm also planning on doing more physical exercise in this new year. I know that I need goals and this will be one of them. Not a resolution but a lifestyle choice. I know I will not live forever but I plan on living as healthy as I can for as long as I can. I think I can live with that.

I want to become someone who lives with anxiety and share my story in such a way that I can help other people through my YouTube videos, audio podcasts and social media. Teaching through experience. This is a very attainable and worthwhile goal.

In less than an hour the ball will drop and 2017 will end and 2018 will begin. New day, new year, new me. Cheesy but true. I am OK with Cheesy. 

I want to tap into my creative mind more this year than I ever have and become the artist I know I can be.

Recently I came across the concept of unconditional happiness. Happiness in the face of anything and everything the universe can throw at me. No matter what I will be happy.  I will accept this life and my impermanence.  I will be the best version of myself starting now and until I am no longer a living thing. All that exists is this moment and I will embrace it. Seems like a lot but really it isnt, it's just all that there is. Accept this moment. 

I am happy.  I am here. I am.
Short, simple and sweet.

I don't really know how to end this so I just will.

Thank you for reading my story of anxiety in 2017 and I truly hope it helped in some way. Be well. Love hard, live vigorously and don't take anything too seriously or for  granted. Enjoy this new year and I'll see ya out there!

Lou

MY ANXIETY BLOG: CBD OIL AND MEDITATION

Hello! 

It's been a while since I've posted a blog. My life has been a roller coaster ride lately. I was feeling sick, plus really high general anxiety, panic attacks, then more and more health anxiety, doctors visits, possible lyme disease the list goes on. It's been rough. I need to follow up at the doctor for what I hope is the last time for a while!  My last blood test cleared me of everything and my white blood cell count was lower than it has been in weeks so as far as I can tell I'm healing. Which is very good! And I believe it deserves a YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! 

I feel very good today both physically and mentally.  I got a good night sleep last night and have been using my CBD twice a day as well. So far so good. I'm meditating several times a day now. In five and ten minute intervals. I'm listening to morning affirmation videos on the way to work and sometimes again in the middle of the day and meditation in my ear buds to sleep followed by solfeggio frequencies as I sleep. Ever heard of them? There's a lot on youtube and spotify. I'll post a link at the bottom. I have been staying consistent with my daily anxiety videos which is great. They help me sometimes a little sometimes a lot, I'll post that link as well. Overall my hypersensitivity to my physical feelings are still there but I'm doing a better job of keeping that from spawning anxiety or panic attacks. This week was more good than bad and the first week of its kind in over a month and I am grateful. The combination of CBD, meditation,  good sleep and positive affirmations, thought provoking videos and audio is really helping. Other than Friday and Saturday which is today and tomorrow I'm eating very healthy and being mindful of portions and snacking. I'm not cutting everything out of my diet but during the week I'm eating fruits and vegetables and maybe yogurt and granola during the day. One portion of dinner which can be meat, vegetables and/or bread and maybe a small dessert and no eating after 8-830PM. It's a small start. I'm going to incorporate yoga into my morning ritual and maybe into my night ritual or at least stretching and/or some kind of exercise.  My goal is to be as healthy as I can be while staying both mentally and physically stress free as possible.  I feel like I'm truly on a good path for the first time in my life. No more half assing it, I'm going to whole ass it from now on! 

MY ANXIETY A DAILY DIARY: DAY 43 WHOLE ASSING IT - https://youtu.be/QwJ6RtDydc0

Solfeggio frequencies - https://youtu.be/Gs2bQxid2ZE

    

MY ANXIETY A DAILY(ish) BLOG: A FEW CONSECUTIVE GREAT IDEAS!

The first part of this blog was written on Wednesday March 22nd

So, as the title states I believe I had a few good ideas today and kind of all in a row.  This makes me feel better and good. When I feel this way I do my best to keep the momentum going so I can continue feeling this way for forever hopefully, but I'll take a few hours if that's all I get.

Today I began my day with the thought of stopping everything in my life and going on an anxiety retreat. I don't really know what that would be or if they even exist but the thought of getting away from work and my everyday life for at least a little while has been on my mind for a long time. Ideally I think I would like a month off but I'll take a week or a long weekend I guess. I'm not what these retreats can be or what they cost or where they are but I know I need to do it. I know I need to get away from the stress outside of me to heal the stress inside of me if that makes sense. I quickly Googled anxiety retreats this morning and saw some links but didn't take it much further than that. I'm going to do more research later tonight for sure. Thus idea of getting away is not quite the need or thought of a vacation.  If all I thought I needed was a vacation I could do that easily and a take a few days to go sit in a hotel and drink booze and sightsee and walk on a beach somewhere,  but I know I need a lot more than that. I believe I need to go to a place where there is 24 hour structured anxiety healing going on. What that is I have no real idea but just thinking of what it could be makes me hopeful and feel much better. I need help plain and simple. I truly do t even know where to begin but I'm pretty sure I'm where a lot of people find themselves and there are professionals who know how to help so I think this is a good idea.

That idea lead me to this other idea/feeling of "I'm going to get better and help other people get better" I've been repeating this to myself for the last couple of hours and it just feels good which leads me to believe it's right. It's why I make my daily videos, it's why I'm writing this blog, it's why I talk about my anxiety openly to anyone. I want to get better and help anyone else get better too. It's still in the fantasy stages in my head but I actually feel hopeful that I can and will get better by doing this retreat and maybe I will find that not only do I like to help others but maybe I'm good at it and can make a living helping people like me. Is that weird?  Am I delusional?  Let me know because maybe I am and maybe I'm on to something. I don't really know.

The other great thought I had today was about writing a play about my anxiety. I've got the basic concept in my head and I plan on writing it out and seeing if anyone I know would be interstellar in helping me make it by playing a part in it. I have ideas and I will try to begin this process later tonight.

Now I know this all makes me feel better and I'm in a good mood but I wonder if this is some kind of manic episode or if it's solid and real and lasting.  I really can't tell.  I don't truly know my mind when it comes to these highs and lows.  This morning I woke up unhappy. Immediately. My eyes opened and I was sad and a little anxious. A few hours later I wasn't.  The anxiety was still there but I was thinking on these thoughts and now hours later I'm still feeling good.

This blog post was continued tonight Thursday March 23rd

Today was an overall good day. I felt ok this morning and progressively felt better throughout the day. I did get some physical anxiety towards the end of the work day until dinner time but now I do feel fine. I didn't go to an open mic and decided to stay in which normally I would do because of feeling anxious but instead I'm staying in tonight so I can guarantee a better night sleep. I also needed to relax. I've also been researching some anxiety retreats and for the most part I've found a few overseas or on the other side of the country which won't work for me. I can't fly right now. I mean I can but I won't get on a plane. I did find one here in NY but it's almost $5000 a week which is way too expensive as far as I'm concerned. Now, I know there should be no price I wouldn't pay to feel better but money is an issue for me being that I don't have any hahaha. I'm willing to pay a few thousand dollars for a week retreat but I am feeling a bit distrusting of these prices because it does feel like even the most worthwhile treatment can taker advantage of desperate people and although I don't really feel desperate I guess in a way I am. I'm going to do more research tomorrow and talk to my psychologist tomorrow night and find out if she knows anyone or any facility that is trustworthy and might work for me. As for now I wait. 

Check out my vlog from today - MY ANXIETY A DAILY DIARY: DAY 35 BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF

Thank you for reading! Don't forget to subscribe and leave some feedback. 

Goodnight,

Lou

MY ANXIETY A DAILY(ish) BLOG: EXCITEMENT OR ANXIETY?

Hey guys!

So it's about 10PM and I'm actually about to go to bed which is great! I'm going to get a good night sleep and feel probably really great in the morning.  I just drank some tea with lemon and valerian root extract which should help me knock out relatively quickly once I lay in the bed. So, this is the first step to removing anxiety from my day tomorrow.  I usually listen to music when I go to bed and tonight I'm going to be listening to some mindscape meditation frequencies.  It does help so far. I recommend it. Check Youtube or Spotify.

Today was good and I find I'm getting  better at experiencing my intrusive thoughts in the same way I experience birds singing outside my window. I hear them but they don't really affect me unless I want them to. It's a daily work in progress and I still find myself getting slightly frustrated at least once or twice a day due to them but this is much better than I'm used to. Today was better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today. I know this and this is my sole driving force in life in this moment in time. I'm taking it moment to moment and I look forward to all the moments yet to come.

Ok, my eyelids are getting pretty heavy so I'm going to listen to them and lay down and fall asleep before 1AM for the first time in a LONG time.

Goodnight and thank you for reading! 

Lou