MY ANXIETY BLOG: CBD OIL AND MEDITATION

Hello! 

It's been a while since I've posted a blog. My life has been a roller coaster ride lately. I was feeling sick, plus really high general anxiety, panic attacks, then more and more health anxiety, doctors visits, possible lyme disease the list goes on. It's been rough. I need to follow up at the doctor for what I hope is the last time for a while!  My last blood test cleared me of everything and my white blood cell count was lower than it has been in weeks so as far as I can tell I'm healing. Which is very good! And I believe it deserves a YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! 

I feel very good today both physically and mentally.  I got a good night sleep last night and have been using my CBD twice a day as well. So far so good. I'm meditating several times a day now. In five and ten minute intervals. I'm listening to morning affirmation videos on the way to work and sometimes again in the middle of the day and meditation in my ear buds to sleep followed by solfeggio frequencies as I sleep. Ever heard of them? There's a lot on youtube and spotify. I'll post a link at the bottom. I have been staying consistent with my daily anxiety videos which is great. They help me sometimes a little sometimes a lot, I'll post that link as well. Overall my hypersensitivity to my physical feelings are still there but I'm doing a better job of keeping that from spawning anxiety or panic attacks. This week was more good than bad and the first week of its kind in over a month and I am grateful. The combination of CBD, meditation,  good sleep and positive affirmations, thought provoking videos and audio is really helping. Other than Friday and Saturday which is today and tomorrow I'm eating very healthy and being mindful of portions and snacking. I'm not cutting everything out of my diet but during the week I'm eating fruits and vegetables and maybe yogurt and granola during the day. One portion of dinner which can be meat, vegetables and/or bread and maybe a small dessert and no eating after 8-830PM. It's a small start. I'm going to incorporate yoga into my morning ritual and maybe into my night ritual or at least stretching and/or some kind of exercise.  My goal is to be as healthy as I can be while staying both mentally and physically stress free as possible.  I feel like I'm truly on a good path for the first time in my life. No more half assing it, I'm going to whole ass it from now on! 

MY ANXIETY A DAILY DIARY: DAY 43 WHOLE ASSING IT - https://youtu.be/QwJ6RtDydc0

Solfeggio frequencies - https://youtu.be/Gs2bQxid2ZE

    

MY ANXIETY A DAILY(ish) BLOG: A FEW CONSECUTIVE GREAT IDEAS!

The first part of this blog was written on Wednesday March 22nd

So, as the title states I believe I had a few good ideas today and kind of all in a row.  This makes me feel better and good. When I feel this way I do my best to keep the momentum going so I can continue feeling this way for forever hopefully, but I'll take a few hours if that's all I get.

Today I began my day with the thought of stopping everything in my life and going on an anxiety retreat. I don't really know what that would be or if they even exist but the thought of getting away from work and my everyday life for at least a little while has been on my mind for a long time. Ideally I think I would like a month off but I'll take a week or a long weekend I guess. I'm not what these retreats can be or what they cost or where they are but I know I need to do it. I know I need to get away from the stress outside of me to heal the stress inside of me if that makes sense. I quickly Googled anxiety retreats this morning and saw some links but didn't take it much further than that. I'm going to do more research later tonight for sure. Thus idea of getting away is not quite the need or thought of a vacation.  If all I thought I needed was a vacation I could do that easily and a take a few days to go sit in a hotel and drink booze and sightsee and walk on a beach somewhere,  but I know I need a lot more than that. I believe I need to go to a place where there is 24 hour structured anxiety healing going on. What that is I have no real idea but just thinking of what it could be makes me hopeful and feel much better. I need help plain and simple. I truly do t even know where to begin but I'm pretty sure I'm where a lot of people find themselves and there are professionals who know how to help so I think this is a good idea.

That idea lead me to this other idea/feeling of "I'm going to get better and help other people get better" I've been repeating this to myself for the last couple of hours and it just feels good which leads me to believe it's right. It's why I make my daily videos, it's why I'm writing this blog, it's why I talk about my anxiety openly to anyone. I want to get better and help anyone else get better too. It's still in the fantasy stages in my head but I actually feel hopeful that I can and will get better by doing this retreat and maybe I will find that not only do I like to help others but maybe I'm good at it and can make a living helping people like me. Is that weird?  Am I delusional?  Let me know because maybe I am and maybe I'm on to something. I don't really know.

The other great thought I had today was about writing a play about my anxiety. I've got the basic concept in my head and I plan on writing it out and seeing if anyone I know would be interstellar in helping me make it by playing a part in it. I have ideas and I will try to begin this process later tonight.

Now I know this all makes me feel better and I'm in a good mood but I wonder if this is some kind of manic episode or if it's solid and real and lasting.  I really can't tell.  I don't truly know my mind when it comes to these highs and lows.  This morning I woke up unhappy. Immediately. My eyes opened and I was sad and a little anxious. A few hours later I wasn't.  The anxiety was still there but I was thinking on these thoughts and now hours later I'm still feeling good.

This blog post was continued tonight Thursday March 23rd

Today was an overall good day. I felt ok this morning and progressively felt better throughout the day. I did get some physical anxiety towards the end of the work day until dinner time but now I do feel fine. I didn't go to an open mic and decided to stay in which normally I would do because of feeling anxious but instead I'm staying in tonight so I can guarantee a better night sleep. I also needed to relax. I've also been researching some anxiety retreats and for the most part I've found a few overseas or on the other side of the country which won't work for me. I can't fly right now. I mean I can but I won't get on a plane. I did find one here in NY but it's almost $5000 a week which is way too expensive as far as I'm concerned. Now, I know there should be no price I wouldn't pay to feel better but money is an issue for me being that I don't have any hahaha. I'm willing to pay a few thousand dollars for a week retreat but I am feeling a bit distrusting of these prices because it does feel like even the most worthwhile treatment can taker advantage of desperate people and although I don't really feel desperate I guess in a way I am. I'm going to do more research tomorrow and talk to my psychologist tomorrow night and find out if she knows anyone or any facility that is trustworthy and might work for me. As for now I wait. 

Check out my vlog from today - MY ANXIETY A DAILY DIARY: DAY 35 BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF

Thank you for reading! Don't forget to subscribe and leave some feedback. 

Goodnight,

Lou

MY ANXIETY A DAILY(ish) BLOG: EXCITEMENT OR ANXIETY?

Hey guys!

So it's about 10PM and I'm actually about to go to bed which is great! I'm going to get a good night sleep and feel probably really great in the morning.  I just drank some tea with lemon and valerian root extract which should help me knock out relatively quickly once I lay in the bed. So, this is the first step to removing anxiety from my day tomorrow.  I usually listen to music when I go to bed and tonight I'm going to be listening to some mindscape meditation frequencies.  It does help so far. I recommend it. Check Youtube or Spotify.

Today was good and I find I'm getting  better at experiencing my intrusive thoughts in the same way I experience birds singing outside my window. I hear them but they don't really affect me unless I want them to. It's a daily work in progress and I still find myself getting slightly frustrated at least once or twice a day due to them but this is much better than I'm used to. Today was better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today. I know this and this is my sole driving force in life in this moment in time. I'm taking it moment to moment and I look forward to all the moments yet to come.

Ok, my eyelids are getting pretty heavy so I'm going to listen to them and lay down and fall asleep before 1AM for the first time in a LONG time.

Goodnight and thank you for reading! 

Lou

MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: COMMUNICATION IS KEY

Hello!

      So I'm starting this blog a little early in the day in the hopes I complete it before 1am haha.

Everyday I feel a little bit better but the urge to Google my symptoms is still there and it's really strong this morning.  I haven't done it and will not do it but I WANT to do it, a lot. When I wake up I'm good but throughout the morning I'm feeling a little weak, specifically in my legs and feet. I'm sure this is because I'm still fighting something off but something happened today that almost sent me into high anxiety and directly onto Google to do the one thing I know will cause me nothing but grief.  I has a conversation with my boss regarding why I've been coming into work late. I explained I'm still feeling fatigued and having issues with sleeping and getting out of bed in the AM. I explained that I think the virus I'm fighting off is mono and he literally jumped back 3 feet from me as if I was contagious,  which I know at some point I was but if I were to spread it around I guess I would have done so by now, I explained.  This leas to talk about not knowing exactly what it was and doctor talk and I felt my anxiety coming up like boiling water or a strong vibration. We ended quickly,  maybe two full minutes of actual tall time but it took me the better part of ten minutes to cool myself out.  I found out that talking to myself can help me because I can control what I'm saying or thinking but I cannot control what someone else says or their inflection, tone, etc so what they say and how they day it can either easy mind or set it on fire.

It's not Midnight. I didn't complete my task, but I also didn't not complete my task! A HA! Ok, so I went to the doctor today for yet another follow up. I asked some questions regarding the possibility I'm dying of some kind of terrible illness and according to my bloodwork and how I feel I'm gonna go ahead and say no. I'm not dying, at least not anytime TOO soon. I will be dying though, I have not acquired immortality and if I did I MIGHT tell all of you. Big maybe.

OK SO! My mind is for the most part at ease. AHHHHHHHH BREATH IN.....EXHALE.....AHHH

I do feel much better. My obsessive, intrusive, anxious mind is still on non-stop repeat but I am allowing it to be. I am saying OK. Be that way and I will let the thoughts come and then let them go, as if I was watching a car whiz by me on the highway. I will do this to the best of my ability for as long as I can, or until it becomes second nature to me and I'm living in a mostly positive state of mind.

I've been listening to mindscape meditations on Spotify which consist mostly of tones at different hertz which I've read can heal and repair the mind and/or the mood. I do believe vibrations affect us as humans so this makes sense to me, plus even if it doesn't REALLY do anything it's certainly not hurting me and I'm all for the placebo affect. I also listened to a lecture by Alan Watts today about overthinking. It's one that I've heard before but today it truly resonated with me. Maybe because I've been so desperate to feel better and ease my mind or maybe because this mindscape meditation sound stuff has been settling my mind. Who knows! I don't and I don't care, all I know is that this lecture really got to me and made me think about thinking less. I"ll post the link right here - Alan Watts Check it out. It's 38 minutes of your life you can afford to spend on Youtube that isn't slap fights or Top 10 videos.

I also recorded my daily video today which you can find here - The Louniverse

I'm going to end here because I'm tired and I want to. Thank you for reading! have a good night, good morning and find me here tomorrow same place, hopefully (most likely) not same time.

Lou

MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: FACILITATING CHANGE

Hello! Good evening/early morning. 

I've been slacking with this blog but consider this a minor speed bump and will do my best to write one everyday from here on out! Please hold me to this! Only you can cure my procrastination!  No you can't. 

So the last few days have been real trying ups and downs. I do feel physically better. Whatever this virus is that I'm fighting off, I feel as though I'm getting a little better everyday. This is mostly due to me NOT googling my symptoms anymore, and I promise I'm not. And to me allowing intrusive thoughts to enter my head and not cause high anxiety.  I have convinced myself that I've either contracted HIV or Hodgkins Lymphoma,  then back to just some more common viral infection like mono or something of that nature. Now, I realize how dramatic that may sound and how much of a hypochondriac I am, but I think the only way to beat this anxiety, obsessive disorder and intrusive thoughts is to tell myself that I most likely do not have something that serious BUT if I did it would be ok and I would fight to keep myself healthy, make lifestyle changes and keep my shit together no matter what. I think taking on the intrusive, anxiety fueled thoughts is the best way to combat them. Fighting them, denying them or ignoring them has not worked AT ALL thus far. My mind can and does rationalize any possibility and with the notion that ANYTHING is possible floating around my mind I find that it's next to impossible to deny or ignore any thought no matter how unwanted or unlikely or fear filled it is. I am embracing it all and keeping my wits about me. I'm keeping my head up and focused.  I've not had a panic attack in I think weeks, at least 2 weeks maybe a bit less.  I consider this a victory. My general anxiety has spiked quite a bit during these past two weeks but never to the point of total panic. Close but not quite. I am living this life how I want to live it if it's the last thing I do. I have much work to do but I feel very much on the right track.  More so than I ever have. I'm still trying new methods for both my mind and body and will probably always try new things. Today I've discovered the soundscapes meditation of the solfeggio tones. How well this works I don't know, but I'm trying it. I'll sleep tonight with the 417hz tone in my ears and see how it affects my negative energy.  I'm trying to be as open and willing as possible to be healed and heal myself.

Good luck to us all!

Thank you for reading!

Lou

MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: THE BATTLE WITHIN

:::queue dramatic fight scene music:::

Today I had another epiphany!  Yes, I'm on a roll so you can call me BUTTA! Ok seriously.  I realized something new today. I realized that this battle in my head has been going on for a long time and when I listen to certain music it will literally play out in my head as a real battle usually with me VS some insurmountable odds.  An army of men to fight with swords or light sabers or ground warfare with tanks and guns. I usually think it's just too many movie scenes playing out in my head due to me watching a lot of that kind of stuff and loving the idea of facing those suicidal odds and coming out on top or die trying like a true hero.

Today something hit me.  This is me VS my anxieties and today for the first time I was victorious by a land slide. No self sacrificing,  no fight to the death. I won. And I realized that in a strange way the reason why I'm drawn to those kind of movies and why these little action dramas play out in my head is because I'm literally at war with myself constantly.  Today I turned it around and begun winning. This might sound strange,  I don't know But this revelation filled me with energy. It was like "come hell or high water! I WIN!" THROUGH SHEER WILL AND BRUTE FORCE!  like I've been saying these past few weeks. No matter how good or bad I feel or how good or bad my health is or whatever.  No matter what I win. I'm on top. I'm the one. Today is my day. Victory is mine etc.

Yeah. Today was pretty good and I foresee good days ahead despite all of my anxieties and true or false health issues.  This is my life and I WILL live it.

Sorry for the dramatics but this is how I need to do it. Try it, maybe you'll like it and hey, maybe it works for you too.

Have a good night and if you wake up tomorrow know that tomorrow is all you have and it's YOUR DAY!

Be well!

Lou

MY ANXIETY A DAILY BLOG: PUTTING IT DOWN ON PAPER

Today was a good day despite the fact that it almost was a bad day. 

As I've stated before no matter what my anxiety is there just under the surface waiting to come to the forefront. At this point anything can trigger high general anxiety or a panic attack. Anything. 

I've been doing my best to follow a routine and keep myself in a positive mood and control the ideas and notions in my head as best as I can. Today was day 2 or 3 and it was fine but anxiety is most definitly there and as strong as it's been. 

Today I met with my psychologist and discussed everything from the last 2 weeks. My higher level of general anxiety, my doctors visits, etc. Everything that is causing the neurotic thoughts to bombard my brain all moments of the day, even now. 

Basically we talked about the things I am already aware of just not doing. DO THE WORK! I must and so should you. And I need to combine different methods in-order to be more sufficient. So, we discussed me writing things down on paper. As I've stated things sound "easy on paper" but are more difficult to perform. Turns out there EVEN MORE difficult to perform when you don't write them down on paper at all. So, starting tomorrow I will write down a list of things that I could do and need to do throughout the day to have a good day. This list may vary, but for the most part will probably stay the same. 

THE LIST:

1. GET SLEEP!

2. MEDITATE 20 MINUTES A DAY

3. BREATH DEEP AND OFTEN

4. PRACTICE GROUNDING*

5. CONTINUE MAKING MY DAILY VLOG AND BLOG

This list can and probably will change but not too much, I don't know, maybe. It's all a work in progress. *GROUNDING is when you ground yourself by going through the 5 senses in-order to come yourself down. For example. YOu can say to yourself: I see and name 5 different things you see, I hear and name 4 different things you hear, I feel and name 3 different things you feel, I smell and name 2 different things you smell and I taste and name something you taste. It's basically going through all 5 senses one by one to focus your mind and calm yourself down and ground you back into reality. It really helps during a panic attack, but she recommended that I do it for my general anxiety as well and I will. 

That is all for now! Have a good night and Tomorrow will be better! 

Lou