Autumn's end.

With the clocks turned back an hour my first reaction is good because I enjoy the extra hour of sleep or sleeplessness these first few days. I like waking up with the new sunrise and because I'm usually awake long into the night I enjoy the extra hour I can now waste every night before I pass out or force myself to walk in to my bedroom and get in the bed and sleep. Right now we're all experiencing the intermediate weather and daylight that comes in between the Fall and Winter. I love the Fall and love the beginning of Winter, but Winter in NY takes up a large portion of the year. The first few snowfalls and dark afternoons bring me nostalgia only the ending of one season and beginning of another can bring. I don't mind leaving work at 5pm to the already dark world as I drive home and settle in for the night, but I know that soon the appreciation will become gloom and the gray atmosphere will only feed my depression ironically causing me to stay awake longer in to the night only feeding my depression even more. The emotions of the Winter catch me by surprise every year. The combination of deteriorating weather and holidays confuse me into a state of self loathing and unwarranted sadness and anger. As the cold days become cold weeks and months the snow and darkness seem to almost taunt me in a way that I have yet built a defense for. I know it's that time of the year and I know exactly what the weather and atmosphere will be like. The electricity in the air surrounding all life and lack there of mixes unevenly with the emotions that come naturally from interacting with close family and friends during the holiday season. The holidays seem to be the focus of things to look forward to and dread at the same time. I don't think it's the actual holiday season itself that is the catalyst for bad feelings, but instead they are a byproduct of what occurs naturally during the cold part of the year. Being stranded indoors left with nothing but darkness outside for the better part of the day. Although I usually spend the same 6-8 hours after work doing whatever I want it's during this time of year the sun is already gone by 5pm and my entire day outside of work feels like I should be either in bed or getting ready for bed so this entire time plays on my psyche the same way the last hour or two I stay awake fighting the want or need to go to bed does which usually occurs between the hours of 12am and 4am, only now this feeling begins close to the end of my workday or early afternoon. Now most of my day my body is struggling with the same emotions I usually experience during the late night and early morning hours. The cold and darkness take their toll enough but it's the snow that truly brings me to  the edge of isolation as it pounds the outside of my windows. The beauty of the first few snowfalls fades away fast deep into January when the cold has become unbearable and the site of a crystallized tree only reminds of the death of everything around that the eye can see.