Existence Hurts

I feel lost I feel like I don't know where to go or what to do or how to get there. I guess I felt this way for as long as I can possibly remember. I feel like I live in between realities in-between spaces I feel like I'm in the middle of the place between what is conscience consciousness and the place that we all live in the illusion of life. Basically what I mean is or what I think I mean is I feel no connection to any institution any social group or any collection of people in general and I know that sounds confusing but I don't align myself with any religious group or social group or institution as far as intellectual psychological or otherwise. So what I think I mean when I say these things is everything that we do as a people to me is sort of a grasping for sanity or grasping for something that isn't the dark existential nightmare that is existence or at least that's one way we can perceive it I admit that more often than not that's the way that I perceive it. I live I work I have friends I'm social but in reality I'm at my Center in a constant state of fixation on the end which seems to be the most enormous waste of time yet the most fascinating place to be. Death is the question it, is the question it is the thing that we wonder about the most it is what our civilization and our species has time and time again tried to run from make sense of and even push back with activity with monuments with religions with institutions with theories and chasing after dreams and things like that it's a vicious cycle that I have to or maybe not have to but do run through almost constantly.

I find myself in a place of wondering what my goals are what my passions are what my desires are and I don't ever really know what they are. I like things there are things that I like to do they're things that in the moment sometimes I feel like I even might love to do but for some reason I cannot consistently do them I find myself being in a state of complete inaction I have trouble staying the course with even the things that I like to do it's a very frustrating place to be it's a very frustrating way of living, most people even people who are apathetic have some kind of goals some kind of aspirations they are chasing after even the smallest things the house the family the children the career the car, some thing. I for most of my life have been struggling to find what my thing is and it seems kind of strange I have tons of ideas and I sometimes find myself wrapped up in I guess what I would call them as dreams or aspirations but they never come to fruition or at least I never pursue them and I'm not quite sure why the things that come to mind usually are mostly self-deprecating things but things like I'm too lazy or I'm too apathetic or maybe I'm depressed or maybe I feel inadequate. To be completely honest I'm not quite sure what exactly is the thing holding me back from just doing anything consistently writing, creating art, just doing something something that gets me out of bed in the morning even my job my work my quote-unquote career I do it because I feel like I'm forced to do it I need money I have to make money because without money I can't do anything you can't do anything without money even though I hear things like money doesn't bring you happiness or money isn't everything but it is something I do need some kind of currency so that I can eat food and go places put gas in my car and literally go places but I don't want to be a slave to money but I guess I am and so I get up everyday and I go to work and to be honest at the end of the day I feel a little accomplished once I finish my job I feel like it's okay to relax I feel like I'm fine to do nothing at the end of the work day but there's today, days when I wasn't at work I had the day off there was a thing I wanted to do something simple just tidy up my space clean my room clean up my area make my physical life less cluttered I couldn't bring myself even to do it and then I go through a cycle of well I didn't even accomplish this and now I feel bad about not doing it even though I do enjoy relaxing and doing nothing I still end up in the cycle of not feeling great or not feeling well or just the inaction of my existence.

I'm trying to make this as concise as possible I do feel like I'm rambling and and sometimes it's the rambling that gets the information out and I guess this blog in and of itself is my place to share my thoughts other than with my therapist or my girlfriend or my family this is me basically putting my self out there into The Ether for anyone to read especially those who might be feeling or going through the same things. I do find some I guess comfort or catharsis and knowing that I'm not the only one who's probably going through these things and if someone reads this they can feel the same way that they're not going through it either or alone. I guess I can say that just doing this just writing a Blog sharing my thoughts could be my thing maybe I could turn these lemons into lemonade and I've had this a million times and I go through the cycles of writing for days and posting blogs and putting things on social media that I feel are helpful and even vulnerable kind of exposing myself enough in a less egocentric way but the same time I look at these things in a very cynical way and think I'm just doing the same thing that everyone else is doing on Instagram just showing a sliver of themselves for maybe just attention or for some false Applause of some kind but then again if that's how I'm going to look at things why do anything at all and that's the circle that I keep finding myself getting stuck inside of; do something but do it because maybe I want some kind of Accolade or some kind of pat on the back or some kind of confirmation or don't do it because why do something just for Applause but then again why do we do anything at all. I guess maybe it's okay to have some kind of acknowledgement. Again, I apologize for the rambling here I'm actually not even typing on my phone what I'm doing is I'm speaking and it's typing for me so it's going to be a lot of grammatical errors here I'm going to of course read through all of this and edit it but it might seem a little rambly or nonsensical but I guess maybe this is the kind of blog that's for a very specific group of people, people like myself and maybe I should just really focus on people like myself it seems a little self-centered it seems a little small but then again it doesn't.

I guess I will end this blog with just simply saying this is for me, I wrote this completely for me, this is almost like a creature Comfort just me talking into the ether expecting some kind of catharsis which I have to admit it definitely works a little bit I feel a little bit better and its close to bedtime maybe I'm just tired who knows but also just like I did my video blog pretty much almost anything I've ever done that involved my anxiety or mental illness of any kind I'm putting this out there not just for myself but also for anyone else out there just kind of in a rut maybe at the end of the Rope maybe at the beginning of their rope I don't know but maybe they read this or you read this and think yeah I feel the exact same way and that helps me in some way I don't know how or why but it kind of does, I kind of feel like if me just putting my just absolute vulnerability out there it just feels good, it just maybe makes a difference I don't know that's my whole issue I just don't know. Not knowing is part of my problem I focus too much on having some kind of absolute certainty or absolute truth or absolute Clarity and I guess in reality there's no such thing people just either have great inspiration and go do something or people just go do something and that brings great inspiration we hear the stories all the time people just doing the thing that was kind of a nonchalant leisurely activity and then all of a sudden it becomes the thing that they do every day and they love doing it and I guess my biggest problem is my expectation I think of something and you hear about something or however it happens and I create this expectation and my reality never matches my expectation things are never what I think they're supposed to be or hear they're supposed to be or judging by other people's reactions and perceptions that they share with the world people make things out like oh I changed my life or it really helped me and I do that same thing and I don't really feel the same and I guess I thought that it's about what things do I do that make me feel okay, at least okay, even fine and if on top of that what I do that makes me feel okay maybe makes someone else feel okay, I guess that's good. I really think in our denial of death and our denial of our existence just helping someone else maybe is just the thing for some of us the rest of us maybe not so much I guess there are people out there who are just living life and they're happy and content and they just go about their business and do things, it's not about being a public servant but about how can I take my lemons and turn them into lemonade, it's the simplest thing but it really makes the most sense to me.

Okay well I'm going to start editing this thing because just looking up at the page I can see that the speak to type technology is great but not perfect and I don't want to go through 19 paragraphs so I'm going to end it here if you read this and thought it was shit oh well sorry, but if you read it and thought maybe this sounds like something you're going through or it helped you or if you have some advice for me leave me a comment I'll get back to you, I really want to hear from you and I really want to, I don't know turn these lemons into lemonade basically.

Goodnight!
(As you can see, I did a quick edit so punctuation is nearly gone but I think you got the drift. Right?)

Sincerely,

The Louniverse