Decluttering Your Life Helps Anxiety.

Is Decluttering even a word?
Yes it is. I looked it up.

Over the past few weeks I've come to the conclusion that I need(ed) to declutter my life in-order to help with my anxiety. I think this will work for everyone, but here is how it's working for me so far.
I have been cleaning up my inner and outer space. Literally cleaning up my outer space. My living space, my dressers, my closet, etc. All of the things that seem to be fine on their own just being where they are. Whether that be laying on the floor untouched for weeks, months or years. Yes, years for some of them. I have a habit of acquiring something, using it then when I'm done with it I leave it in a place that for me seems fine but really it's just in the way. I think there are things I do "need" but if they're not in a specific place then they just collect dust and are in the way. Other things I actually do not need and are just taking up space and collecting dust for no one and for no reason.
So, I decided to donate a lot of stuff to Big Brothers Big Sisters. A great organization that will take almost anything that you no longer need or use and give it to someone who will use it and does need it, but can't afford to buy it.

I started with everything from my old apartment. Everything. Dishes, pots and pans, toaster oven, cups, bowls, everything I used in my kitchen everyday that has been wasting away in my closet for almost six years now. It's weird that these things that sat in a closet pretty much out of my vision and daily life in a way held me back from moving on. It was like each and every one of these items was a kind of a barrier preventing me from moving forward. Here's an example of how my mindset would work and maybe this is just me, but maybe you can relate. You tell me.

I would think: "I need to start painting again!"
                        "I really can't begin though, because I have all of this crap taking up all this space and until I organize it I can't fully utilize my current space." Basically I think because the idea of starting a project or doing something creative would get stifled by the very space those items sitting in my closet took up in my head. Does that make sense?
Here's another example: "I want to record another podcast, or a vlog when I get home."
                                        "First I have to clean off my entire desk, clean off the webcam, get the computer area organized, and grab my other tripod, oh but that's in the closet I think? or maybe it's in a box? Etc"
I would want to begin something and just the literal "things" in my area, whether they be in my actual way or my mental way didn't matter. I cannot think clearly with the knowledge of all of these unused things that belong to me but are not serving me at all existing in some near space of mine. I actually think if I could afford a storage unit I would feel the same way. Even if these things were miles away locked in some garage that I paid a monthly fee for I would still have this attachment to them.

And this brings me to attachment. I get attached to things. Some things for nostalgic reasons. They hold a memory for me or they were a gift. Whether or not I use the items is irrelevant. I have an attachment. But, the issue for me is I find some kind of attachment to lots of things. Useful things or useless things all the same. I definitely have the hoarder mentality. I used to watch that show on A&E and wonder how the hell those people got themselves in those situations. Living in filth, fighting with therapists over the importance of receipts from a decade ago, or just plain old garbage, but I get it now. Me and my family call ourselves "packrats" but we're just hoarders who have yet to let ourselves go fully. I don't think it will ever come to that, but if you ever find me saving bags of my own poop PLEASE SEND HELP!

It won't come to that, at least I don't think so.

I get attached. It's a thing for me and I know there's tons of research about the why and the how, etc but honestly I'm gonna just let my nature be my nature and do my best to do what I feel is right and what works. I think I'm at a place that I can now try things out and if they work I keep them and if they don't I let them go, mostly. It's a work in progress and will probably be that way for the remainder of my life. My attachment is to things and also to ideas. Ideas hold me back, but in different ways, but really it's the same. I'll explain. Things will stop me from moving forward because of the literal physical space they take up both in my head and in my physical world. So by just clearing them up I clear up the space in my head. It's really that simple. With ideas it's not that simple. It's really complicated and to be honest I barely have a grasp on all the moving parts. I do know that I get hung up on ideas. I get an idea in my head like I should or shouldn't do something or shouldn't or can't do something, etc. That's an oversimplified way of putting it but you get it right? A good example is relationships. I want to be one. At least I think I do and then I actually work up the courage to ask a woman out and then actually go on a date and begin the whole dating process and in the beginning they're always great. I feel like I'm being my best self and I see all the other persons best qualities and it feels right. Then something happens, I start getting feelings and thoughts. Really it's mostly thoughts or entirely thoughts and they become feelings. I usually feel love pretty quickly and that feels good. I don't get clingy or anything like that but we all know the "cupcake" phase right? It's the beginning of the relationship where no one can do wrong and we only see the good, etc. You know. Well, I think for most this period lasts months to a year. Maybe I'm wrong. I think for me it's only weeks maybe months. I get attached to the idea of who it is I'm saying I am or presenting myself to be, and I'm not lying, I am this person I say I am, but I'm also someone who likes quiet and alone time. LOTS OF ALONE TIME. Maybe too much, but who knows what that is. What's too much alone time? I like my time alone in quiet reflection while I watch netflix, write blogs and eat. Eat everything. Anyway.

In the last two years or so I've been in five relationships. The longest was a little over five months. The rest barely got passed two months. Now I know these relationships didn't work because we were not right for each other. Nothing toxic, just not right which is why they ended. It's a pretty natural thing really, but I know that I get attached to the "idea" of a person or of a relationship. How I want it to go, or how I think it should go, or what I'm looking for. I really don't know what I'm looking for exactly. That's the honest truth, but I think I get attached to the attachment of those ideas and I get myself into relationships that should probably never be in the first place. Maybe. I don't want to sound like it was bad from the get-go but obviously I'm single so they didn't work. No good relationship ends. It's that simple. Or maybe it's not?! I don't really know. What I do know is that I'm single and I'm not really looking this time. I'm gonna see what happens, and please understand that I'm not even quite sure what that means either but I've heard myself and other people say it and it sounds appropriate.

SO,
I've been clearing up my physical and my mental space and it's actually been awesome. Like AWESOME!
I feel great. I am now currently sitting in that closet that was recently filled with boxes of stuff, but is now a small office that I've created. I moved my desk in here and donated a lot of my stuff and threw away a lot of stuff too. Just crap taking up space and it feels great. I have about six boxes of things that I think I do have a real emotional connection to and will be going through them in the next days and weeks and my goals is to keep what is truly a joy for me to keep and either donate or throw out the rest. Simplify. I want my living space to be where I sleep and create. That is it. And let's be honest a clean space is a happier space. I know we've all read things that go along the lines of "a cluttered desk is a sign of intelligence" or "the smartest people are super messy" etc
I think that's all bullshit. Just because there exists a photo of Einstein's cluttered desk does not mean there is any correlation because behind that desk on the chalkboard was the Theory of FUCKING Relativity. If you're working on some groundbreaking, human evolving, changing of history forever kind of thing then sure be a pig. As the for rest of us cleaner is happier and in the long run will aid in our creativity and DEFINITELY help with anxiety. A lot of anxiety is just being overwhelmed and indecisive and clutter is overwhelming and makes me very indecisive. It makes me stagnate, it really does. I know this could in fact just be me, but I think maybe it's not. Let me know.

Thanks for reading this. I really hope it helped and at the very least you can relate and know that you are not alone in your weird ways.

If you ever want to reach out to me please feel free to do so.

Thanks!

Lou
The Louniverse

The Difference between Truth and your own Truth and How This Can Affect Your Anxiety.

I think we all want some level of certainty in our lives and in some places there is certainty, as far as our lifetime is concerned. For example: Tomorrow the Sun will rise. Maybe not for everyone, for some of us tonight is it. This morning's Sunrise was our last, but the Sun will certainly rise nonetheless. According to science one day the Sun will be gone. Until then it will certainly rise.
We also want truth and facts, but truthfully despite facts being facts and everything else being fiction people have the truth and sometimes have THEIR truth. Now perception may very well be realty, but truth is truth. I know that I want truth and facts, but I also rationalize things that may be fiction into my own version of the truth. We all do this. I think this is why their is still debate over whether or not certain groups of people are actually "people". We see it in our media and in our politics, but we also see it in our everyday lives. Something as simple as a loved one gripping over something someone else did to them, like cutting them off in traffic when they know full well that they've done it to others and rationalize the why in a nanosecond. They had to because of a myriad of reasons. None of which may be fact, but does it really matter? Maybe, but not to them and not to all of us sometimes.

Anxiety is all about certainties that for the most part do not really exist. We want a certainty that we're going to be ok, not die and everything is going to be fine. It won't and we will, eventually. For starters what is "fine" and what is "ok"? I think we think we know what we mean when we want to be fine or ok or good or happy, but really we don't know what we want exactly or what they are exactly. This is why mindfulness and practicing acceptance really do work. They may not always work simply because we can't or won't accept things for what they are. I'm guilty of this, I'm SO, SO guilty of this in fact. I want. I want things to be a certain way, I want to control my realty. This is stress. This is anxiety and so many other problems I know I go through and will continue to go through. You too will stumble over these things time and time again. I feel like every time I learn a lesson or gain experience I'm just faced with another lesson and need to gain more experience and so forth. This will probably continue for the remainder of my life.

Just take a quick look at your social media feed. This is jam packed with opinions posing as facts and everyone you know giving their two cents. This is actually pretty great. Everyone does have an opinion and a view point and from their experiences things to say about their perceived realty, but this is also an infuriating thing. Philosophers, teachers, leaders and memes all tell tales of "the truth". The truth will always come out and shine through all the fiction, or bullshit and leads us into some sunny satisfaction, the end roll credits, but how often does this really happen? Right now as you read this, and I thank you for reading this, there are people just like you and I debating over whether or not the Earth is flat. Yes, I know, but they are just like you and I. They are! lol They found some information, whether it's fact or fiction is irrelevant. They found it and they believe it and once that happens it becomes a part of them. We are constantly forming and reforming our personalities and identities and once we make these changes it's not so easy to change them back, or forward depending on how you look at it. It's a circular cycle and it seems very daunting. Facts or fiction will be fought over. Friend, family and stranger will all verbally kill each other in the comment section over whether or not the Earth is flat or if someone calls themself a he or a she or a they is ok or not, etc. Where do the facts come in? and when do they end a debate? It seems as though every issue will go on forever. This is anxiety.

Inside of your head and my head this is going on. There is fact and there is fiction and we fight with ourselves over and over again. Taking one stand then flip flopping, then playing devil's advocate, then becoming cynical and angry and negative and serving no one and nothing, just fighting to fight. We become our very own troll. A troll who knows our every move and thought just as we make it or even before. It's a fight that can't be won, because we are both on the offense and the defense. This is what I think overthinking is. It's just overlooking facts and truth and what the heart or head says and just going by fear and raw emotion. Now fear has its place and so does raw emotion, but letting ourselves get wrapped up in thought is not good. Too much of anything isn't good right? Well, maybe not pizza. HEY! Don't debate me on this! PIZZA FO LIFE! See! lol

Over the years I have identified several triggers for myself and I'm willing to bet that these triggers may be the same for almost everyone, especially those with anxiety. I love coffee, but caffeine can be a trigger. I made a very strong pot of coffee this morning, had one cup and here I am like nine hours later still feeling it. I'm sensitive to caffeine and I know it, yet I made the damn thing. Social media is a trigger. I honestly love social media and I think we all do, but we say we hate it sometimes because we know it's not great in large doses. Yet, we all consume large doses. Scrolling and scrolling. Seeing funny things and terrible things and anger and fighting and sex and food, etc. It's like a slot machine of drugs for our brains and we just keep pulling that arm. Do slot machines have arms anymore? What is this 1972? I mean, we keep pushing those buttons. Dopamine and adrenaline and serotonin etc.  We don't want to miss out. This is another form of control and basically a level of controlling our certainties. I think on some deep animal level we feel like if we keep scrolling and reading things and watching videos we're safe. The body is getting bombarded with chemicals and it kinda feels good and comfortable so we keep doing it. We all do this. All day long I see notifications from everyone else who is also supposed to be working at work lol. Now, I do have a great advantage, at least I think it's an advantage. I work outside all day. Yes, in the cold and in the heat, but outside in nature. I cannot see my phone for hours at a time and I know that even though I'm working hard and it can be frustrating I feel better in those eight or ten ours a day I'm working. This is positive distraction. I'm not trying too hard to control anything, I'm not looking for certainties. I'm just working on a task and then I move on to the next customer and do the same thing. It's challenging but not too much so and on a beautiful day it truly is heaven. It's the middle of Winter her in NY and there have been some unbearable cold days where I wanted to just quit on the spot, but then a week or so ago we had three days of fifty degree whether and I have to say that I have not felt that good in a while, or at least it felt like a while. I was what I call "in the zone". Now we all know I did not coin that phrase, but that is how I felt. I was totally in the moment and just everything clicked. Every job was smooth, the day went by at a great pace and I was in very good spirits. I don't think this had anything to do with the customers, or the jobs, or any of the same things I experience every day. I think I just felt good and feeling good made all the difference. This is perception clearly dictating reality.

This was the positive end of the spectrum of perception. I made my day good by feeling good. Sure, it was conditional. That condition being beautiful spring weather in February, but I'm not perfect and it felt amazing. I had no control of the outcome of the day but I accepted what was happening. That's it. Sure if it was brutally cold I would have not wanted to accept it and bitched to myself all day which would have made my work slow and terrible. Truth and facts are important and so are certainties, but it's our willingness to accept what is that's more important. If the truth is a meteor is going to slam into North American tomorrow morning, me going ape shit and burning down my own house and causing havoc will help nothing. My last moments will be awful. Seeking truth is important and respecting the facts is also important but also knowing the difference between the truth and your own truth is more important. Being aware of what level of ego you're letting dictate what you believe and how it shapes your perception is more important than whether or not something is one hundred percent fact. I think it's all about balance. Balance is key. I'm trying to find my balance and you should do the same if you haven't already.

I hope this made sense to you and you enjoyed reading it. If so, let me know.

Peace,

Lou
The Louniverse

Anxiety: A Day In The Life

Anxiety.
Sometimes it starts with a bad night of sleep. I will pass out way to early, like before 8PM then wake up WAY too early like 1AM. I try to go back to sleep right away but usually this is futile, so I stay awake and listen to music or stare at the ceiling or close my eyes and toss and turn for a few hours, then just before 5AM I fall back to sleep. I wake up just before 10AM and I feel pretty good. Not great, clearly because my sleep was broken, but OK. Then I make myself a really good breakfast. I throw on some distracting movie on Netflix and drink coffee, in this instance it was too much coffee. I usually never have more than two cups in the span of an entire day and never after like 6PM because it will definitely keep me awake which would just cause me to repeat the cycle of poor sleep. Today I just drank too much coffee period. It didn't bother me right away, in-fact shortly after I felt kinda tired, that caffeine crash almost caught me but I didn't take a nap. Now, I've been awake for something like 8 hours or so, on some pretty broken sleep, on the back side of a caffeine high. This is prime real estate for anxiety and here I am. I am anxious. I am a little woozy, a little uncomfortable, a little uneasy. I'm tired and wired. I'm easily agitated, but I've been here before. Not in a while, but this is still very familiar territory. I took a shower earlier today and in the shower noticed I was definitely shaking a bit. My heart was beating fast and I had to stop myself and breath. Deep, counted breaths. I even had to rinse with cold water for a few minutes at the end of the shower to keep myself calm. I did a pretty good job. My legs were weak walking up the stairs to my bedroom, but I kept it together and calmly, slowly put on some solfeggio frequencies (If you're not sure what that is I'll put a link below, they're all over YouTube and do help ALOT.) and laid on my bed and did some deep breathing until I felt completely calm and relaxed. Deep breathing works!

*Deep Breathing:

1. Take a deep breath through your nose, breathing in with your stomach, for about 4-5 seconds.
2. Hold breath for same amount of time, 4-5 seconds
3. Exhale through the mouth, exhaling with the stomach muscles, for twice as long as the inhalation. So if you inhaled for 4 seconds and held for 4 seconds, exhale for 8 seconds.

Repeat this about 4 times. Longer if you think you need to. There is no such things and too much deep, cleansing breathing. It will make a huge difference. Simply because on a physiological level you cannot be both breathing slowly and deeply and be anxious.
There are a TON of YouTube videos on deep breathing as well. Take a look if you haven't already.

This worked for me today. I did this and I felt better, for a while. I laid in bed for a while then got up and dressed to go to the store to buy cigarettes. A necessary purchase of course. As I arrived back in-front of my house I could feel my body was off again. Nothing too overwhelming, but off nonetheless. I went and drank some water, seltzer to be exact, because I felt like there was a chance I might not have drank enough water today and part of my anxiety revolves around gas in my stomach. I think and feel like if I burp I will relieve pressures and feel better. This is part fact and definitely part hypochondria. I know this, but I will continue to do this until it no longer serves me. After some epic burping and sitting and relaxing in the den listening to my family talk, which alone makes me anxious sometimes, we sat down for dinner. I ate, but slowly and with apprehension. The sensations of chewing, tasting, swallowing, etc kind of feed the anxiety a bit. Again, nothing too overwhelming. I got through that. Poured myself more water, because dehydration, and now I'm sitting alone listening to music and tying this blog. These actions seem to be helping pretty well. I'm distracted by writing about my anxiety, for myself for sure, but also for you the other person going through these same patterns. Maybe today, maybe yesterday and maybe everyday. This is for you too. The music is another level of distraction all it's own. 1. Music is comforting in general. 2. If I fill my ears with controlled noise, like a song, I won't be negatively distracted by the noises in my house, my breathing, my heartbeat, the typing of the keyboard, etc. And of course I'm no more than 1 foot away from water, the life giving hydration fluid of this planet. This works for me. It's not a surefire, foolproof system, but more often than not this works. It took me a long time to figure this out. Despite how simple these activities may seem to be, when you're in an anxious state you are not thinking clearly. I'll write that again in capital letters to denote it's importance.

WHEN YOU'RE IN AN ANXIOUS STATE YOU ARE NOT THINKING CLEARLY!

Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point.

So, in the past when I was in a n anxious state ALL that I did was fight it. I would dive head first into those horrible ideas. You know that play going on in your head where everything comes at you at once and you're both the star of the show and everyone hates you? AND it's all your fault and you're also dieng. That play. Well that still happens but my reactions to this have gotten a lot better. Breathing, practicing acceptance, not indulging those thoughts, not focusing on every single bodily sensation, etc. These may vary for general anxiety and health anxiety (Hypochondria) I definitely have both. So, I'm not doing great right now, but I'm fine. I am fine. I'm not flooded with fight and flight chemicals. I'm not pacing, I'm not crawling out of my skin. I'm tired and a little wired. Not too bad. I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember and two years ago almost to the day I had my worst anxiety of my life. That caused me to become a real hypochondriac. I was back and forth to the doctor almost weekly for months. The whole year was up and down, then down, then up a little, then down again. On new years eve I was genuinely emotional, not cryin, but really happy and surprised that I lived through the entire year. During that year I started a VLOG and documented my anxiety experience almost everyday for about 6 months. I will put a link down below for that as well. It really, REALLY helped me when I recorded those videos and I actually got some great feedback from other people who watched them who told me it helped them as well. THat was my one and only goal. Sure becoming internet famous would be awesome, but my 47 subscribers were there just to hear what I was going through because I think we can all relate pretty well when it comes to anxiety. Check out my channel if you're curious.

I'll leave you with this:

Sleep is the number one most important thing that affects anxiety in my opinion. I say "my opinion" because I'm sure if you do some research you will see that there is a myriad of experts with a myriad of theories, but sleep feels like the most important. If you don't get enough sleep you will be tired, tired becomes exhausted, exhaustion leads to a lot of issues and anxiety is on top of that list for anyone so if you have chronic anxiety it's going to be an issue. My method, if you can call it that, is trying to be in bed on the "right side" of midnight. Meaning, if you go to bed before midnight you've ended your day on the same day. If you go to bed after midnight you're in a totally new day. So, the way that I look at it is, if you're going to bed at 12:30AM or 1AM or later you're already into the next day. You're trying to go to bed on the same day you have to wake up. You stayed awake through a whole day and didn't go back to sleep until the next day. Even if you don't have to wake up until after 9AM, you're still going to bed in the new day. This is not a good idea. Again, in my opinion. SLEEP!
SLEEP, SLEEP, SLEEP! Even I have trouble sometimes following this advice.

I hope this helped, even just a little bit.

LINKS (as promised)
Solfeggio Frequencies
My Youtube Channel

Be well!

Lou
AKA The Louniverse

Living In Circles.

What are my motivations?
What gets me out of bed in the morning? What fuels my fire?
I ask myself these questions on an almost daily basis. I don't really have the answers. All that I do know is that the reasons why I ask myself these questions change from day to day, even from moment to moment. I find my inspiration comes on quick, is all consuming and then fades away just as quickly as it comes on. I get all fired up about something I need to do and how I'm going to do it then I stop.

Not this time. I may not know the actual "answers" or whatever that means but that is no longer what I think life is about. I do not think there are any answers. No real logical ones anyway. I may think there are, we all think there might be but really I don't think there is. We make up own own rules. We are the final arbiters of our existence. I am my own god and devil. My own creator and destroyer. I am the one who says what is right and real and true and so are you. We need to know this now. I need to know this. Instead of going through these waves of knowing nothing then knowing everything. That is bullshit. There is only now and there is only the way that I see fit. Your way is the only way because there truly is no right way. It's imaginary and we control our own imaginations and our imaginations dictate our realities. Simple as that.

Now, who am I writing this for? I am writing this for you? The passive reader? The active reader? The family member, friend, coworker, etc? Or am I writing this for me? I like to think that it's for both me and you, but I'm not sure. I think maybe it might just be for me. I am however going to publish it nonetheless, as you can clearly see. So, then it's for you too.

Life like everything else is relative. My hardship may be someone else's paradise. In Fact I'm sure that it is. My life is not very hard, it's only as hard as I make it out to be. Some hardships are out of our control. Some of us are born into hardship. Extreme poverty, disease, pain and suffering, etc. My life has been relatively easy. I sit here surrounded by stuff, literally stuff. Stuff so plenty that it's covered in dust. Sure I desire more. More stuff sometimes, but more often just more. More of what I'm not quite sure. More success? More money? More love? I really do not know. I read something that someone I know wrote on facebook. It may have been their own or more likely it was something that they read somewhere else from the mind of someone else. Either way it struck me. It was "stop seeing the scarcity in life and instead see the abundance" something like that, but basically there is a scarcity mindset and whether it be about inanimate "things" objects or about feelings and emotions or status or feelings, etc. There is a myriad of "things" that we may seek out to fill our never satisfied hole inside of ourselves. Honestly I think I should stop saying "we" or "ourselves" I know it may be us, but really it is I. Me. I have a scarcity mindset. I know that I do. My scarcity comes to me in the form of "what am I here for?" In this life. My purpose. What is it? Is it something I should even bother myself looking for, or should I just do something, anything? This is where I get hung up the most. The what and the why.

The word that comes to my mind time and time again is "stagnate." A stagnation. Feeling stuck or not moving or trapped. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in this body, or this room or my job or my way of thinking. I go round and round in my head for hours, days and sometimes longer. It's a rinse and repeat kind of a cycle for me. I feel stuck, or something like that, then something hits me. I will call that something motivation and I get a fire under me and I move. Something like with a passion or a purpose but it never lasts too long. Never more than hours. Never even for a full day. What usually happens is I begin motivated and then I get distracted and I stop. I look around and I see people doing things. Things that seems to be driving them, or that their driven to do because it suits them in some way. I feel like almost everyone around me is more in tune with themselves and is following some kind of a calling. I know that this can't be entirely true, but then what is it that I'm seeing? It this just my skewed perception? It probably is but then again I'm not quite sure. This is my cycle. This is my hell. I feel like I've been following this pattern of thinking and acting for a very long time.

When I was young I would think I want to do "blank" and that would sustain me for what feels like years, but I'm not really sure. I felt like when I knew less information I made better decisions. Maybe they were technically uninformed, uneducated decisions but they were solid. At least I think they were, or I feel that they were. My memory is of course skewed as well. I think we alter our memory over time to fit our narrative of choice or to meet up with our place in life in the here and now. Something like that. I'm not really sure, but it sounds right to me, or at least right enough. I go round and round, over and over again. Like some kind of weird ferris wheel. Like my feet are both simultaneously stuck in the mud and never quite on solid ground. It's a strange place to be. I feel like I don't have the answers I need but then I also think there are no answers to have or need or chase after. Just as I stated earlier. I am the final arbiter, yet here I am spinning my wheels.

I could go on and on forever making this blog entry infinitely long infinitely confusing and circular. I'm sure it's confusing and circular enough for all of us. So I will stop here. I'm sure I've written this before but here I go again. I think one of the things that I "need" to do is write. Write this blog, write my ideas, poetry, stories, etc. Just write. Write it all down, get it all out of my head and out into the universe for my own sake and for anyone else who would be interested in reading it as well. I think that is a good start. Of course I'm not sure, but ok, I'm done. Good night!


Lou
AKA The Louniverse

The Subtle Art of Being Alone.

I like to be alone. I also like to be around other people. My family, my friends, social interactions, coffee shops, etc. But, I like to be alone. I like to be left to my own thoughts and my own decisions. Simple things: I like to be able to be comfortable and quiet and eat loudly. Slap my lips with every delicious bite, it's a bad habit according to what I've heard but when I'm alone it's something I like to do. It's a creature comfort I suppose. I like the creaturely way about myself and I think you like the creaturely way about yourself as well. This is not exactly the only reason why I like to be alone, but it's definitely a big part of it. I could go on and on about the best parts of why being alone is great and why I and everyone else enjoys alone time. But, the reason why I'm writing this is not because of the reasons why I like being alone but the reasons why I don't like it. It's a strange thing, doing something I like so much that is so simple as being alone yet there are things about being alone that bother me.

Being left to my own thoughts. Sometimes this is fine. Sometimes this is harmless and innocuous, but when left to my own devices I find that my mind wanders and more often than not it goes to dark places. Not so much the places of self pity or of past regrets but more often to existential wondering and fear of the what ifs of life. I find that I bounce back and forth between wondering when and how I'll die and how painful and slow or quick and surprising it will be. I know, really uplifting shit right. But, I bounce between that and watching Netflix movies, listening to and imitating Tom Waits, then back to self created crisis, then to ice cream sandwiches. It's a weird cycle. I wouldn't call it a vicious cycle but it's certainly discomforting and disconcerting. I think it's safe to hold anxiety, OCD and hypochondria responsible for this but who are those guys really without me giving them life? I'm not saying mental illness is self inflicted, but there is, in my opinion elements of that. Sometimes even the pain is comforting in its familiarity. It doesn't feel that way in the moment, but in time it's clear. Please feel free to debate me on this. I don't think I'm 100% correct but I'm speaking directly from experience.

So, how do I (we) find the balance? Crowds give me anxiety and so does being alone. Where ever I go there I am. But I like to be alone and I like to be in a crowd, sometimes. It all depends on my mood and who's incharge of that? I ask because I really don't know. I think sometimes it's me but other times it definitely doesn't feel like me. But it is, isn't it? I think so. I create my own paradise and my own hell. And hell isn't ever too far away. Even now as I bang away on this dusty keyboard and Tom Waits groans on about some sad set of characters in his beautiful way of doing so I find my mind elsewhere. Even when I'm literally focused on one thing, or maybe three, my mind is running it's own course. I should be in the shower right now. I should be getting ready, I'm gonna be late to dinner, I procrastinate even when I'm doing something of purpose. It's weird, I think I said that already. But, the balance is the key. And balance isn't as Zen as it sounds. When I hear the word "balance" I do think of balance, of peace and tranquility and evenness but it's not necessarily that. For so many reasons, I think I stated plenty. Didn't I?

Balance. It's about doing what you want more than what you're worried about. More than the clawing and tearing of other things, distracting things attempting to distract from my distractions. A cycle, a circle that ended up being mentally exhausting more often than not.

((7 and half hours later))
I had to walk away from this and actually go and take that shower and make that dinner date. I was late. I'm always late, but that's for another blog. It is now 1AM. I have to get up for work I'm less than 5 hours. I am now alone and to be honest sitting in the bathroom. This is my favorite alone space. I get to drop off and drift off simultaneously.  In the hours since I was last writing this blog I had my dinner, came back home and stared at this screen for a few hours. A demonstration of enormous distraction,  addiction and bad posture at the least and at most a gigantic waste of time. I should never had that cup of coffee after dinner. I know better,  but too late now.

In the hours of wasted time I came across something great and appropriate on Instagram, among the other 9 million photos of half naked women, conspiracy nonsense and motivational minutia.  I found a quote that seemed to speak directly to me and directly to the topic of this blog. Why being alone is good, important and how to do it right. 

Here is the photo:

I don't know who this guy is but I will be looking him up.

This thing of being alone left to your own devices and the balance of that seems easy, it seems obvious, but for me it is not. I crave alone time and sometimes dread it. I have spurts of inspiration and action and fun. Other times I sit and dwell on every awful distracting thought that pops into my head. I'm still chasing that balance. Whatever that may be. Even now there is a glimmer of hope that in writing this blog I can find that "something" worthwhile to fill my time, but also there's that thought of death and body rot as I suck down the gray cigarette smoke I know is not doing me well. I cannot just be, not even just one or the other either. It's always a lot and all at once. But, I am working on it.

Have a goodnight/morning.

The Louniverse

Existence Hurts

I feel lost I feel like I don't know where to go or what to do or how to get there. I guess I felt this way for as long as I can possibly remember. I feel like I live in between realities in-between spaces I feel like I'm in the middle of the place between what is conscience consciousness and the place that we all live in the illusion of life. Basically what I mean is or what I think I mean is I feel no connection to any institution any social group or any collection of people in general and I know that sounds confusing but I don't align myself with any religious group or social group or institution as far as intellectual psychological or otherwise. So what I think I mean when I say these things is everything that we do as a people to me is sort of a grasping for sanity or grasping for something that isn't the dark existential nightmare that is existence or at least that's one way we can perceive it I admit that more often than not that's the way that I perceive it. I live I work I have friends I'm social but in reality I'm at my Center in a constant state of fixation on the end which seems to be the most enormous waste of time yet the most fascinating place to be. Death is the question it, is the question it is the thing that we wonder about the most it is what our civilization and our species has time and time again tried to run from make sense of and even push back with activity with monuments with religions with institutions with theories and chasing after dreams and things like that it's a vicious cycle that I have to or maybe not have to but do run through almost constantly.

I find myself in a place of wondering what my goals are what my passions are what my desires are and I don't ever really know what they are. I like things there are things that I like to do they're things that in the moment sometimes I feel like I even might love to do but for some reason I cannot consistently do them I find myself being in a state of complete inaction I have trouble staying the course with even the things that I like to do it's a very frustrating place to be it's a very frustrating way of living, most people even people who are apathetic have some kind of goals some kind of aspirations they are chasing after even the smallest things the house the family the children the career the car, some thing. I for most of my life have been struggling to find what my thing is and it seems kind of strange I have tons of ideas and I sometimes find myself wrapped up in I guess what I would call them as dreams or aspirations but they never come to fruition or at least I never pursue them and I'm not quite sure why the things that come to mind usually are mostly self-deprecating things but things like I'm too lazy or I'm too apathetic or maybe I'm depressed or maybe I feel inadequate. To be completely honest I'm not quite sure what exactly is the thing holding me back from just doing anything consistently writing, creating art, just doing something something that gets me out of bed in the morning even my job my work my quote-unquote career I do it because I feel like I'm forced to do it I need money I have to make money because without money I can't do anything you can't do anything without money even though I hear things like money doesn't bring you happiness or money isn't everything but it is something I do need some kind of currency so that I can eat food and go places put gas in my car and literally go places but I don't want to be a slave to money but I guess I am and so I get up everyday and I go to work and to be honest at the end of the day I feel a little accomplished once I finish my job I feel like it's okay to relax I feel like I'm fine to do nothing at the end of the work day but there's today, days when I wasn't at work I had the day off there was a thing I wanted to do something simple just tidy up my space clean my room clean up my area make my physical life less cluttered I couldn't bring myself even to do it and then I go through a cycle of well I didn't even accomplish this and now I feel bad about not doing it even though I do enjoy relaxing and doing nothing I still end up in the cycle of not feeling great or not feeling well or just the inaction of my existence.

I'm trying to make this as concise as possible I do feel like I'm rambling and and sometimes it's the rambling that gets the information out and I guess this blog in and of itself is my place to share my thoughts other than with my therapist or my girlfriend or my family this is me basically putting my self out there into The Ether for anyone to read especially those who might be feeling or going through the same things. I do find some I guess comfort or catharsis and knowing that I'm not the only one who's probably going through these things and if someone reads this they can feel the same way that they're not going through it either or alone. I guess I can say that just doing this just writing a Blog sharing my thoughts could be my thing maybe I could turn these lemons into lemonade and I've had this a million times and I go through the cycles of writing for days and posting blogs and putting things on social media that I feel are helpful and even vulnerable kind of exposing myself enough in a less egocentric way but the same time I look at these things in a very cynical way and think I'm just doing the same thing that everyone else is doing on Instagram just showing a sliver of themselves for maybe just attention or for some false Applause of some kind but then again if that's how I'm going to look at things why do anything at all and that's the circle that I keep finding myself getting stuck inside of; do something but do it because maybe I want some kind of Accolade or some kind of pat on the back or some kind of confirmation or don't do it because why do something just for Applause but then again why do we do anything at all. I guess maybe it's okay to have some kind of acknowledgement. Again, I apologize for the rambling here I'm actually not even typing on my phone what I'm doing is I'm speaking and it's typing for me so it's going to be a lot of grammatical errors here I'm going to of course read through all of this and edit it but it might seem a little rambly or nonsensical but I guess maybe this is the kind of blog that's for a very specific group of people, people like myself and maybe I should just really focus on people like myself it seems a little self-centered it seems a little small but then again it doesn't.

I guess I will end this blog with just simply saying this is for me, I wrote this completely for me, this is almost like a creature Comfort just me talking into the ether expecting some kind of catharsis which I have to admit it definitely works a little bit I feel a little bit better and its close to bedtime maybe I'm just tired who knows but also just like I did my video blog pretty much almost anything I've ever done that involved my anxiety or mental illness of any kind I'm putting this out there not just for myself but also for anyone else out there just kind of in a rut maybe at the end of the Rope maybe at the beginning of their rope I don't know but maybe they read this or you read this and think yeah I feel the exact same way and that helps me in some way I don't know how or why but it kind of does, I kind of feel like if me just putting my just absolute vulnerability out there it just feels good, it just maybe makes a difference I don't know that's my whole issue I just don't know. Not knowing is part of my problem I focus too much on having some kind of absolute certainty or absolute truth or absolute Clarity and I guess in reality there's no such thing people just either have great inspiration and go do something or people just go do something and that brings great inspiration we hear the stories all the time people just doing the thing that was kind of a nonchalant leisurely activity and then all of a sudden it becomes the thing that they do every day and they love doing it and I guess my biggest problem is my expectation I think of something and you hear about something or however it happens and I create this expectation and my reality never matches my expectation things are never what I think they're supposed to be or hear they're supposed to be or judging by other people's reactions and perceptions that they share with the world people make things out like oh I changed my life or it really helped me and I do that same thing and I don't really feel the same and I guess I thought that it's about what things do I do that make me feel okay, at least okay, even fine and if on top of that what I do that makes me feel okay maybe makes someone else feel okay, I guess that's good. I really think in our denial of death and our denial of our existence just helping someone else maybe is just the thing for some of us the rest of us maybe not so much I guess there are people out there who are just living life and they're happy and content and they just go about their business and do things, it's not about being a public servant but about how can I take my lemons and turn them into lemonade, it's the simplest thing but it really makes the most sense to me.

Okay well I'm going to start editing this thing because just looking up at the page I can see that the speak to type technology is great but not perfect and I don't want to go through 19 paragraphs so I'm going to end it here if you read this and thought it was shit oh well sorry, but if you read it and thought maybe this sounds like something you're going through or it helped you or if you have some advice for me leave me a comment I'll get back to you, I really want to hear from you and I really want to, I don't know turn these lemons into lemonade basically.

Goodnight!
(As you can see, I did a quick edit so punctuation is nearly gone but I think you got the drift. Right?)

Sincerely,

The Louniverse

There Just Aren't Enough Cigarettes.

Just one more. Just one more pack. Just one more day. Just one more week. Just one more month. Just until after the holidays. Just until the end of the Summer.

These are things that I've said to myself to justify my addiction to smoking cigarettes. If you smoke maybe you've done this too, or maybe not, maybe it's just me. Probably not though.
I love smoking. I love what a cigarette is. It's a break, it's a time table. It's the thing I do before I do something, it's the break i take from the thing I'm doing and it's the thing I do after I'm done doing whatever it is I was doing. I love them and I know they're killing me. I'm dying anyway, but maybe I'm dying a bit faster. I can't really say for certain, but it I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel that way. Forget the scientific evidence or the actual physical evidence I personally witness like family members dying from smoking related illness or hearing first hand similar stories from every single person I know. Forget all of that. It feels great to smoke and it also feels like shit. Bottom line.

So, what to do? Quitting seems like the obvious solution except for the fact that it has never worked thus far. I think I've quit and started smoking about ten times in my fifteen years of smoking. The most I've gone without a cigarette in this almost two decades is about three months. Maybe a few times too, but still never more than three. I'll say it again, I love cigarettes. I love them. I wish they were healthy. I wish every puff was filled with vitamin C or Turmeric. That would be awesome! I think.

Even now I want to quit. I want to not have another one, but I just did and I will again in less than an hour. I smoke less than a pack a day. This is one of the things I remind myself of when I talk myself out of quitting. I basically tell myself that "I don't smoke as much as other people" I know people who smoke a pack or more a day or even more than two packs a day which I don't so I'm good. I'm better. I'm dying less, or slower I guess. I'm not really sure, but that's probably what addiction is.

Sometimes when I'm scrolling nearly mindlessly through Facebook and Instagram I feel like all I'm doing is wasting time in between cigarettes. Yes, but really just keeping myself from non-stop chain smoking, like I have to wait a certain amount of time before it's ok to light another one up. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing this all day. I think things like, "the cigarette is the best part of the meal" or "I can't wait to be done so I can have a cigarette" It's so normal that it doesn't really bother me, most of the time. Until days like today when I realize one cigarette is too many and a million isn't enough. I don't smoke anywhere near a million, but you get my point.

There just aren't enough cigarettes, but however many I smoke it's too many. I know I need to quit but I don't want to, and yet I do. This is the dilemma. Isn't it? This is a dilemma right? I know this is nothing like quitting something like heroin, even though I've never gone through that addiction and rehabilitation but I just feel like this is not as severe yet I can't or won't make the change because I'm addicted.

UGH!

Sorry, no real ending here. Just ends I guess.
::lights camel blue::
No seriously as soon as I post this I'm lighting one up.

The Louniverse

IS PARANOIA THE CATALYST FOR MY ANXIETY?

Have you ever been Paranoid?  

We've all heard the term and I think we think we know what it means, but do we?
Or
Do I? 

I know that in my experience when I was younger the term "paranoid" meant the feeling that everyone is after you and you're crazy for feeling that way. People in movies and TV shows would be hold up in a dark hotel room with the blinds shut tight and no one coming or going. The person was also portrayed as someone insanely frantic sometimes.  Screaming and running from invisible enemies or dangers. I guess these characters could have been based on real events or real people but in my life now I know most people who are Paranoid don't really show it. Maybe because it's embarrassing or they perceive it to be embarrassing or maybe they don't even know their paranoid if that's even possible,  which I think it is, but don't know for sure.

As far as it being embarrassing I can safely assume that's a reason because that's why I think I keep my paranoid thoughts to myself and I know I'm not special and others must feel this sane way.
Very recently I've come to the conclusion that not only do I have paranoid thoughts, but also those thought may be the sparks that lights my anxiety a blaze. Hopefully that doesn't sound too dramatic lol.

Over the as two years I've made great progress with dealing with chronic anxiety. Specifically I've been able to become more aware and mindful of when it's happening and why and much quicker than I ever did in my life. I'm a way I think I've been reverse engineering my anxiety, if that makes sense. I'm able to "see" it when it begins and get a better look at what's going on in my head. My thoughts, my conclusions, my exagerations, etc. It's complicated, but now I'm seeing that once something triggers my fight or flight response no matter how big or small my mind and body go into action in creating that narrative,  or story in my mind of "how things are going to go" according to my anxious brain of course.

In the past I would be all wrapped up in the anxiety or even panic before I knew it was happening, which is too late.  I would let the story in my mind bring up my emotions and cause the chemicals in my mind to flow and without really doing much of anything,  I could literally be laying in bed, I would be in a full blown panic attack basically and completely self inflicted.
Just last week I caught myself deep in thought about something completely nuts all because of a 10 second interaction with a stranger.
I'll explain this example to give you an idea of what I'm talking about and how I have deciphered that what I'm experiencing is in fact Paranoia which can and sometimes does lead directly to my anxiety and in the past panic.
In this case my anxiety did not become overwhelming but it was definitely heightened and just so you know, I have not had a panic attack in over a year, which is great for me.
So, here is what happened: 

I work outside. I work for a company that brings me to many locations in a day and I have to work sometimes on private property; shopping centers, company parking lots, etc. 

This occasion I was in a small parking lot and to make room for myself to work I parked half on the parking lot and half on some grass. I thought nothing other than "aren't I smart for making this work for me!" little did I know I "fucked up" and was about to be  told to move. So, Im about to begin my work on a car in this parking lot when the owner of the adjacent company, not the company I was doing the job for, comes out and asks me politely if this was my van. It was so I said "yes" then the gentlemans tone and facial expression changed to anger and he said " ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW! MOVE THAT VAN! AND IF YOU DAMAGED ANY OF MY SPRINKLER HOSES IN THE GROUND I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE I SEND THE BILL TO YOUR COMPANY!" 

I said "ok" and move my van. End of interaction. Well, at least for him. For me it was another story. I began working on the car and for about 30-45 minutes I replayed the 20 second exchange in my head over and over again. I began questioning my judgement. Was I an idiot for doing this? Or inconsiderate? Then I shift over to wondering what he was doing inside of his shop. Was he stewing in there over what I did? Was he planning on coming out and saying something to me again, or worse coming over to fight me. Like, literally engage in fisticuffs? I know this might sound nuts but this is what was going through my head. I even began looking at every face who came and went through the parking lot and into his shop. Were these just customers or did he call one of his "guys" to come and handle me. Walk over to me and begin an innocent conversation only to lull me into a false sense of security and then sucker punch me or jump me or walk behind me and put a bullet in my head. I"m kind of laughing at this all now but that's where my head went, and still goes pretty often. I let my overthinking take me on an emotion journey into the depths of horror and worst of the worst case scenarios. Afterwards I tell myself that this is just too much TV and movies, but it's more than that. I'm able to stay in this frame of mind because yeah these things to happen on occasion. People can be monsters and do the most horrible things over the littlest of disputes. But usually nothing like this ever happens and the media, TV and movies just use the things to sell movies tickets, build ratings and get as much attention as possible. Still, this is where my head goes and it goes there regularly. So far nothing like this has ever happened to me but this is the process of my overthinking. I let myself build up something small into something enormous and outrageous. Eventually my work distracts me enough to move on and I do, but now that I'm being more mindful and aware I notice that more often than not my mind runs wild and it takes me some time to get things back to normal. 

Now, I just want to say that I do always get myself back to center and usually it doesn't last the entire day or carry over into the next day, but it has on occasion. This is just one recent example, but nearly every day I find that my mind kind of runs wild with paranoid thoughts about the worst case scenario in almost any and all situations. Especially if what I'm doing is something that I think is "wrong" or punishable. Like with this guy in the parking lot I felt embarrassed and stupid for doing something that was really just a simple mistake and I let my guilt drive me into the fantasy of a murderous fugitive, or at least what I think a murderous fugitive might go through thinking everyone is after him for his crimes, etc. This can be every morning for me when I'm running late to work, or if I did something I'm technically not supposed to like something against company policy or something I know I was told as a child not to do, etc. I know that might sound a little over simplified but it is usually why I get into this state of mine. So, for example if I'm running late to work I begin having an argument in my head with my manager, or someone higher up on the corporate food chain and I find myself defending myself vigorously. It takes a lot of my energy from me to be honest and in most cases what I imagine and how I imagine it to take place is rarely how it plays out in reality so why all the dramatics? Truthfully I'm not totally sure, but I think it's because I already am an anxious person with an anxious mind, a chronic overthinker and hypochondriac. So my theory is that my anxiety leads me to have paranoid thoughts and my paranoia leads me to anxiety. It's a vicious circle. Only now, very recently have I been noticing the paranoid thoughts and paranoia. Months ago and years ago I would just slip into this fantasy world and it was truly just a big part of my every day/all day internal thoughts. The more I think about it now the more it makes me feel horrible. The one thing that makes me feel better is that I am aware of it now and being mindful is a step in the right direction. The more I'm aware of it, the more I can catch myself sooner and slow down the process and hopefully soon stop it quicker. In the long run the goal of course is to stop it before it starts. Having dealt with anxiety for so long I know that I won't be able to do this overnight, but it also won't take as long as I fear it will which is forever. 

The anxiety, overthinking and hypochondria have been a part of me for longer than I know. A very young age I assume but don't know when it all began for sure. It really doesn't matter when it started, but it is important that I take the proper steps to ensure I continue to heal the way I have been. It's been a long process with big ebbs and flows of hopefulness and hopelessness. In the past year I have been more hopeful than ever but I still have some pretty bad days and terrible moments. My imagination literally runs wild on me. 

So, going forward I am going to do my best in keeping tabs on my paranoid overthinking catastrophe scenarios and hopefully reel them in faster and faster until I'm able to stop them in their tracks before they start or atleast soon after they start. 

What do you think? 

Do you think paranoia is something that could be considered a catalyst to anxiety or is this just anxiety causing paranoia and is there even a difference? 

I really want to hear from you. 

Good luck out there! and thanks for reading! 

The Louniverse 

THE BLIND ALLEY OF PASSION

At 35, my current age I still find myself pondering my passion. My purpose in life, my reason to live. That thing that I'm "supposed" to be chasing that gets me out of bed in the morning that fills my time until I'm no longer living. You know, "that" thing. (I hope my quotation marks are in the "right" places.)

If you're like me, a fellow human, then I'm sure you've pondered this before or ponder it still. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE!? WITH THIS LIFE!? NOW!? or something like that. I think about it often, almost constantly to be honest, but recently I've come to some (almost) conclusions.
I'm "almost" (quotations!?) certain that passion is whatever we want it to be and it can change. It can be your job,  but doesn't have to be. It can be your hobbies, but doesn't have to be. I think it would be nice if it was, but doesn't "have" to be.
I battle with myself pretty regularly about what I "like" and what I "love". Sometimes I love the things I like and like the things I love.  Make sense? I don't really think so either, but maybe you at least understand. Maybe? 

Ok, basically what my thought process is for example: I like/love poetry.
I:
Like to write it
Read and perform it
Sometimes I even like to read it
When I write it, it's when the muse strikes me with creativity and INSPIRATION! then boom! I open my notepad app on my phone and type away until I'm satisfied. If I think it's "done" I will read it at the next open mic I attend.
So, is this like or love?
Like I said I battle between these two ideas of like and love.  

The difference now is that I'm beginning to believe that it really doesn't matter. Like and love seem to depend on my mood, or my surroundings, or the content, company,  etc
The list of variables goes on. It's pretty fluid. So, I think "passion" is a matter of perception and drive.
Perception in the form of how the "thing" makes you feel for however long it makes you feel it.
Like, if something feels bag, E.G. being poked in the eye, you'll want it less. Unless you're into that sort of thing.

 
Or

E.G. something feels good like reading a poem in front of a crowd and getting some kind of enjoyment, catharsis, release of emotions, etc out of it. Then I tend to do that more often.  But, I have noticed that even though I love/like doing this I may stop doing it for days, weeks or months.
I always ask myself "why?"
Then get into the "love/like" debate with myself and end up back in that place. Essentially a place of unknowing which really becomes a stagnant place. I become stuck with not knowing which is right, or good, or real, etc.
That doesn't seem to be useful at all. In fact it causes stress and anxiety.
What I think is true about passion is that it can and maybe should remain in a flux-like state, if that even makes sense. Poetry can be my passion today, but maybe not tomorrow,  but then it can be again in a few days, weeks, or months. You get it, right?
So, I've been playing with the idea of:
1. Letting my love/likes come and go as they see fit and
2. Letting the things that I like to do become the things that I LIKE to do.
Make sense?  (Contact me if not, I'm serious.) 

Now, about drive.
Drive is the part that I find myself getting hung up on. The actual "action" of a thing. Sometimes I get stagnant as I stated before, but also sometimes I think of a thing I really like/love but then simply talk myself out of it based on little rules I have in my head. By "rules" I mean the things were told we can't do, or shouldn't do, or aren't fit to be like/loves. Now, I'm not talking about anything that will harm another person, so if you were thinking that I'm sorry that's not what I meant and please don't hurt anyone and if you think you should, seek help.
What I mean is the things that I like to do that are the things I do when I'm procrastinating and avoiding the "thing" I'm supposed to do like work, as I'm my job, or a task or chore. 

Ok, for example:
I love making fire. I'm a Pyro and have been since I was a kid. Yeah I know it can be a little or A LOT unsafe but hear me out.
IN A CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENT like a fire pit, pot-belly stove or in a place far from the places that can burn down, I will make a fire.
I like setting it up and watching it burn.  Building it bigger and hotter and putting things in to watch burn like toys or fireworks or whatever lol
But is this a passion? Honestly I do not know for sure, but that's probably clear to you by now. I know that I really don't know, but I think no one else really does either. I think those little things that creep up in my mind and seem to take up my attention ARE the things I should do when they pop up. This to me in-of-itself seems to be PASSION. 

A feeling arrives, however it does, but it does then you feel the need to DO something. TO DO THAT THING. That action, that whatever it is. I say do it. JUST DO IT! (fuck you nike, I'm not even capitalizing your name) JUST DO "IT!" 

IT, whatever it is. Light a fire! stare into the clouds for HOURS! Drive to nowhere with no one for NO REASON because there really isn't a reason and that IS the reason. I think this makes sense. 

OK, basically my thought on the drive, perception, like, love, LIFE all of it is that there is no reason and that is the reason. There is no rhyme or reason or purpose that we do not make up for ourselves. I've watched hours and hours of "inspirational" videos on YouTube and read things and listened to audiobooks, etc and honestly it's all good. None of it is "bad" but it's all kind of confusing and contradictory. Listen to Alan Watts and your life will change. Then listen to Jay Shetty, or Joe Dispenza, etc the list goes on and on. All of these people using their experience to relate and help others which is amazing. I love it. I watch them, I'm inspired and for a little while I float on their ideas and get some action under my feet, but it never lasts. I think it doesn't last because I'm lazy. I am, but i also think it doesn't last because it's not my path. It's not my way. My way is MY WAY and your way is YOUR WAY. I think this is the same for passion as it is for life. It's your world do with it whatever you like. Living to the fullest can be whatever you say it is and it will be. Travel the world or don't. Be happy! or don't. It's your ride.

My passion isn't anything specific right now, but something did happen tonight. I got a bug up my ass to write and here I am. It works if you let it, I think. Again, I'm glad you're reading this is you are, but please understand that I am just like you. I do not know shit and I'm making it up as I go along which is great, but also kinda scary, but still great. 

This way of life and thinking, I feel, makes the dark not so dark and the light much brighter. You and I will be dead very soon. Well, not VERY soon, but soon enough and for sure definitely sooner than we'd like. At least sooner than I'd like, you, I have no idea what you're game is. Maybe you're sprinting towards death. If so I say GODSPEED! and I also say BE CAREFUL! try to live a long time! ah hell. Do you baby!

The Louniverse

ALL YOU TOUCH AND ALL YOU SEE IS ALL YOUR LIFE WILL EVER BE.

Kudos to you if you figured out the title of this blog post are lyrics from the Pink Floyd song Breathe from their amazing album Dark Side of the Moon.
I did not steal it, I'm merely borrowing it to make a point. You'll see (maybe, I make no promises)

If you don't know the song please give it a listen. Below are the lyrics.  Read them.

"Breathe, breathe in the air
Don't be afraid to care
Leave but don't leave me
Look around, choose your own ground
For long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all your touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be

Run, rabbit run
Dig that hole, forget the sun
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down, it's time to dig another one
For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave"

Today I was driving and listening to the album for maybe the 500th time, or something like that. I've listened to these songs quite a few times and I've always knew that this song has something to do with "life" in general. Living and dieing, the rat race, our misplaced time, etc.
But
Today I was listening and that line hit me a little different than usual. "All you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be"
I was just thinking
"Yes, that must be right" it just hit me.
These lyrics can be interpreted in a million ways I know and believe me they are. I did a little research today and checked out one of those song lyric meaning forums and it's chock full of other people's opinions of the song which is fine. They were all pretty much on the same page give or take a few details. Just like any anxiety forum ironically.

To me that line means a few things. It has to do with the physical and the mental.
Physically: Whatever you see, your surroundings, the people in your life, your job, the places you choose to go and situations you choose to take part in will be your life.  Constantly surrounding yourself with assholes? Well guess what?! You're probably one of them.  Hanging out with deadbeats?
You get it.
Mentally: Whatever you think about all the time will be your realty.
Your outlook
Your concerns
Your dreams
Fears
Etc

It brought me back to the post I wrote yesterday about fear.
All I think about is my fear or how I'm  getting over my fear.
My anxiety or how I'm getting over it or past it.
Breathing exercises to calm down
Meditation
Thought replacement
All the "bad" things in my head AND all the "good" things that I do to get past the bad things really amount to the same thing.
Everything on my mind is anxiety or anxiety related. 
Fear based of some kind.

Now I know I'm in the process of healing and maybe so are you. Don't get stressed I'm not saying these methods of healing are wrong but understand that they are still part of anxiety and connected to it.
Just like methadone is connected to heroin or nicotine vape pens are connected to cigarettes. 
Meditation is a great practice for a healthy peaceful life and so is breathing exercises and eating healthy, etc
But
They must exist in their own right in my life because as long as they are in place to help rid myself of anxiety or take the place of anxiety, Anxiety is still in my life big time.
I don't want to end up in a constant struggle with anxiety for the rest of my life. Surrender and acceptance seem to be the best methods but I want to take it a step farther.
I do not know what that is yet.  Sorry. I'm still working this shit out too.

I just know that I don't want to end up like the rabbit in the song
In an early grave

I know the grave will be the place I will end up as will the rest of us but I just want to make sure I'm not sitting somewhere alone with a tense body biting my nails and rocking back and forth in a worry some anxious state as I die. 

I don't know how I'd "like" to die but I do know how I don't want to go, especially if the way I least want to go is as avoidable as anxiety.

I hope this wasn't too bleak. Thank you for reading!

As always I'd love to hear from you.

Sincerely,

Lou Raio
AKA 
The Louniverse

NOT LETTING FEAR RUIN YOUR DAY AND YOUR LIFE.

I was just about to go onto Google and begin a search about a feeling that is bothering me. I have health anxiety, I'm a hypochondriac.  So, my leg hurts in a place where I can see there's a vein. For some reason the combination of these two things sends me running to the Internet for answers and reassurance. Two things I RARELY find in a Google search about something that's bothering me either physically or mentally.

Sound familiar?

If so please keep reading. I am writing this for you. You the person reading this and me in the future also reading this. Fear has controlled my life through anxiety for as long as I can remember and today is no different.  I was just about to begin a search online through Yahoo message boards,  Web MD vague "93 possible diagnosis" sections which are always horrifyingly terrible or blogsposts from other sufferers, doctors, YouTube videos, Facebook posts, etc, etc
You know this pattern.
It's starts there and ends with more anxiety,  more questions, more irrational fears, more, more, more
Unrest
Uneasiness
Sleeplessness
Imbalance
The list can go on forever

However, the more I "research" my anxiety the more I realize we all have exactly the same symptoms, fears and follow the same train of thought nearly to the tee minus of course some very tiny individualized nuances of symptoms specific to us.

We get a "feeling" or a "thought" our body begins the process of fight or flight usually, 9 times out of 10 before we even know it and boom we run to the Internet and self diagnosis and worse seemingly convince ourselves of the worst case scenario. 
I don't get aches I get deep vein thrombosis. I get lung cancer, throat cancer, swollen lymph nodes, the silent killer widow maker heart attack! 
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I'm either fine or having the longest lasting slowest killing heart attack in human medical history.
Right?
We know we're fine but still find ourselves breaking out in sweats. Trembling. Nauseous and scared.

All of it sucks. But it is a choice.

Now I know that sounds weird. Why would ANYONE choose these things. Well, we do and we dont, but we definitely do.

An ache or a pain or a feeling, a thought, anxiety, fear,  horror,  panic...
All natural, all normal. 
WE anxious bunch of beautiful little coconuts take these normal short lived human emotions and drag them out and over think ourselves into some of the worst living a human can give to itself.
The truth sucks and it's no excuse but then again it is a condition and it is happening and feeling powerless is just as natural and normal. So, breath. It's fine. You're alive today despite all the above problems and the problems you'll find later tonight when you take your cloths off and see [insert scary body part]

It's ok.

Now, even as I'm typing this my anxiety is hard at work. My anxiety is crafty. It's after all, me. It's knows me like I know me. I can't outsmart it but I can ignore it, right?
Right now it's telling me that everything I've just written is bullshit.  No one wants to read this and basically this is all one big long attempt at reassurance. 
It's just me distracting myself from my feelings by writing this thing to distract you from your feelings all while reassuring me and maybe you.
And maybe that's true.
No. No its not.

I'm writing this because I know what anxiety is. I know how anxiety, health anxiety and all this fear has turned my life into a stagnant cycle of repeating past mistakes, getting stuck in bad unfulfilling situations and not living a life. Plain and simple. 

NOT. LIVING. A. LIFE.
Anxiety is a full time job for me on top of my other full time job.
It distracts me from every single aspect of my life every single minute of every single day for as long as I can remember.
I do not remember NOT being anxious.
Fear takes up nearly all of my energy. All of my mental capacity.  It ruins everything while leaving me just enough to participate in life from the perspective of a free to walk around prisoner's stand point. I can go and do whatever I like just as long as I don't mind the never ending over thinking chatter in my head.  The over sensitized body and the irrational fear encyclopedia chained to my feet wherever I go.
You can't call out of work by telling your boss "you can come into work today because there's just too much on your mind"
You're too busy fighting a battle in your head and cannot interact with the outside world today.
So, sorry family. Sorry job, sorry significant other, friends, and everyone else. 
Sound like your life at all?

Everyday I imagine a knight fighting a dragon. Everyday both the knight and the dragon die.  No one wins. 
Am I the knight or am I the dragon? 
Is the dragon my anxiety?
I think they're both me. They have the same eyes.  The Knight fights to the bitter end every time. He nearly defeats the dragon completely then usually is struck with a fatal blow.  A last gasp of the Dragon who is also fatally wounded and they both go down. Interpret that how you like. I think of it all the time.
Stalemate. No winner, but I feel like I still lose.
I change myself and limit myself and alter my demeanor and emotions as to not wake the beast up but in doing so I become a shadow of my former self. I am barely a person in those moments and that's my everyday.

I let my fear control my entire life.
It's lead me to so many positive outlets that have never truly helped because the fear is the strongest. It outlasts everything in me.
I've learned to meditate, breath, take a minute or ten or twenty or an hour and rest. Eat healthier. Stop smoking cigarettes, lessen my caffeine intake and I can go on forever.
All of this is because those things at one time or another gave me anxiety about my body and I dropped them in order to appease the fear. 

No more.  I'm still going to continue to eat healthy and not smoke cigarettes and not over use caffeine but I'm doing it because it's healthy and I feel good and that's it. If I have coffee I won't think about heart attacks or strokes.
If I eat something not so healthy I won't think about purging myself with water to flush it out of me ASAP because of a myriad of irrational reasons. 
I do things for me now.  Starting today. 
I choose to be happy not because it's going to pay off someday or distract me from the moment or keep the dragon asleep but because I want to be happy. That's it.
It's a choice.
Always was and always will be.
I know it. You know it. Now let's begin a practice. 
Just sit down, take a few deep breaths, close your eyes and feel the surroundings you're in RIGHT NOW.  This is the moment.  This is reality.  This is everything.

I truly hope this blog post has helped at least a little bit.  I hope you related to it and know that you're not alone and that most importantly You. Are. Fine.

I'd love to hear from you!

Sincerely, 

Lou Raio
AKA
The Louniverse

The year of anxiety

For those of you reading this who haven't followed my story on YouTube or Instagram these past eleven months I will give you a quick synapses of the progression of my anxiety thus far.

Back in February of this year, a few days after valentine's day I began feeling dizzy at work. I immediately began to have a panic attack and left work and drove myself to a walk-in clinic because I thought my imbalance was something very serious, possibly death. It obviously was not death, thankfully.
This lead me to just about two straight weeks of extremely high anxiety and panic to the point where I was constantly shaking and afraid.  My pupils were dilated, my stomach was in my throat, my feet did not support my own body weight and I was barely staying asleep at night. It was terrible.
This lead me to a doctor for the first time in well over a decade and began an almost year long series of blood tests, fear, anxiety, getting an MRI on my brain, seeing specialist after specialist, racking up thousands of dollars in medical bills (which I've refused to pay because of course I was going to die and paying the bills would be a waste. I'm still alive and the letters and phone calls come daily.) and nothing but more questions that I began with back in February. 

I was given a clean bill of health back in June, basically, and through my own research, mindfulness, meditation,  acceptance, sheer will and brute force I began to feel better day by day and thought the worst was behind me and brighter days were ahead, and they were, for a while.

Fast forward to-
Thanksgiving night I was woken up from a dead sleep with my arms and legs vibrating hard. Tremors, pulsing, I'm still not quite sure but it was scary and when I got out of bed my limbs were heavy and weak and I had my first real scary panic attack in months. Thinking I was going to die (of course) I made an appointment with my friendly new doctor friends and had another blood test and they recommended that I see both a neurologist and cardiologist.  Scary. 
I got a check up from the neurologist this past weekend and he informed me that I do have a pinched nerve in my left leg and Carpal Tunnel in both of my hands. Not great, but clearly not life threatening.  He also informed me that I have panic disorder and anxiety and that I should consider medication specifically Lexapro .  I informed him that I'm also a hypochondriac and we laughed. I'm always a bit more cheery about this when in the safe confines of a doctor's office or hospital.  This is the first time in my life I'm actually considering medication. 

The cardiologist visit was not too bad, but did not wrap up nicely after the one visit. The EKG showed that I have a palpitation when I take deep breaths and the doc recommended I get a stress test and a sonogram on my heart.  I had the stress test earlier this week and it seemed to go well. I will follow up with the cardiologist in a few weeks after I get the sonogram but feel fairly confident all of this will come down to anxiety. I hope.
I know that sounds nuts, but I hope it's only anxiety and not a real heart issue.  Being a fatass cigarette smoker for the past decade plus is eventually going to catch up with me. Changes are being made,  I'll get into that later. 
I still feel palpitations.  It bugs the shit out of me, which causes daily anxiety and it's just shit all around. The cycle is awful. Anxiety that causes physical symptoms and physical symptoms that cause anxiety. I'm exhausted.  Mentally,  physically and spiritually.  I'm ok, but, I'm tired. (I know, I know, I know.) 

This is my main reason for truly leaning towards a pill. The idea that I will be able to get through a day without feeling this way and thinking about death is great,  maybe I'm getting my hopes up but I like this idea. I'm seeing my psychologist at the end of this week and will discuss it with her. I see her twice a month. It helps, I highly recommend talking to someone a few times a month or more if you can afford it. Contact me if you would like to discuss.

So here I am. It's a few days before Christmas which is WAY longer than I thought I'd still be dealing with this string of issues.  Is it even a string? I don't really know for sure, but it feels like it has been and my mind can and will connect anything together that supports whatever my mind needs to connect to fulfil the catastrophic movie in my head.  Hooray!

I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember but this past year was when it really morphed into hypochondria. My fear of death and my over thinking, over analysing mind really outdid itself this year and truly deserves a gold medal. 

My mind is still not at ease. Is anyone's?  I don't really know, but this state is too much on most days.

::CONTINUED ON NEW YEARS EVE::

Today is the last day of 2017 and I honestly did not believe I would live to see this day when this all began back I'm February. 

I had the sonogram on my heart earlier this week which was scary in of itself. Staring at a black and white screen with only  my literal beating heart to stare at fir the better part of an hour was uncomfortable but I got through it. I watched my palpatations happen is real time.  I felt my heart skip a beat and watched it lay seemingly lifeless for a second on a grainy screen and was forced to keep myself calm. I didn't like it but I'm fine.

I have my follow up meeting with the doctor on Friday and my next appointment with my psychologist the same afternoon. This has become my hypochondriac life. Meeting doctors,  having follow ups, worrying in wait and having my mind reassured only to have my anxiety spill into another area of my body so that my mind can stress about another major organ and the terminal illnesses that could be found therein.

The last few weeks I have felt fine. Better than fine. I gave been really practicing the mantras of "my thoughts are just my thoughts" and "my feelings are just my feelings" AND IT HAS BEEN WORKING. mindfulness and acceptance work. No method is perfection but this seems to be working great because I know it's not going to rid me of the anxious thoughts and feeling but instead allow me to live with them and desensitize myself over time. I feel good about this.

Ok, if you've read this far bless your little heart. I was hoping not to ramble and go all over the place but this was a complicated year and I'm sharing this story for my own personal mental health and growth and also for anyone else out there who's had similar experiences and maybe needs to read something like this to simply know that you're not alone. Also, maybe you'd like to share your story. You can do that here. 😊

Having stayed all of the above I must say that even though I felt very uneasy a lot of this year and still have feelings of uncertainty and dread I am truly better from all of these experiences.  I write it again. I am better for having gone through all of this anxiety.
I am much more of an empathetic person. I am less cynical,  less sarcastic,  more hopeful,  more positive and more understanding than I ever have been in my entire life.

There is no ego melting experience quite like a severe panic attack that not only seizes the mind and spirit but mimics all the physical symptoms of immediate death and destruction.  This year has changed me for the better.

GOING FORWARD INTO THE UNKNOWN

This year I've made better choices regarding my health.  I stopped eating meat in July and haven't looked back. I plan on becoming a vegan, in time. Cheese has a hold over me and no piece of meat can compare to a hunk of mozzarella haha. I'm getting there.

I've also quit and started smoking a few times this year. Today I had my last two cigarettes hopefully forever.  I love them but they do not serve me I'm any truly positive way except for being delicious and mentally satisfying.  I will do my best to use only e-cigarettes going forward and not cave into lighting another cancer stuck ever again. Time will tell.

I'm also planning on doing more physical exercise in this new year. I know that I need goals and this will be one of them. Not a resolution but a lifestyle choice. I know I will not live forever but I plan on living as healthy as I can for as long as I can. I think I can live with that.

I want to become someone who lives with anxiety and share my story in such a way that I can help other people through my YouTube videos, audio podcasts and social media. Teaching through experience. This is a very attainable and worthwhile goal.

In less than an hour the ball will drop and 2017 will end and 2018 will begin. New day, new year, new me. Cheesy but true. I am OK with Cheesy. 

I want to tap into my creative mind more this year than I ever have and become the artist I know I can be.

Recently I came across the concept of unconditional happiness. Happiness in the face of anything and everything the universe can throw at me. No matter what I will be happy.  I will accept this life and my impermanence.  I will be the best version of myself starting now and until I am no longer a living thing. All that exists is this moment and I will embrace it. Seems like a lot but really it isnt, it's just all that there is. Accept this moment. 

I am happy.  I am here. I am.
Short, simple and sweet.

I don't really know how to end this so I just will.

Thank you for reading my story of anxiety in 2017 and I truly hope it helped in some way. Be well. Love hard, live vigorously and don't take anything too seriously or for  granted. Enjoy this new year and I'll see ya out there!

Lou

MY ANXIETY BLOG: CBD OIL AND MEDITATION

Hello! 

It's been a while since I've posted a blog. My life has been a roller coaster ride lately. I was feeling sick, plus really high general anxiety, panic attacks, then more and more health anxiety, doctors visits, possible lyme disease the list goes on. It's been rough. I need to follow up at the doctor for what I hope is the last time for a while!  My last blood test cleared me of everything and my white blood cell count was lower than it has been in weeks so as far as I can tell I'm healing. Which is very good! And I believe it deserves a YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! 

I feel very good today both physically and mentally.  I got a good night sleep last night and have been using my CBD twice a day as well. So far so good. I'm meditating several times a day now. In five and ten minute intervals. I'm listening to morning affirmation videos on the way to work and sometimes again in the middle of the day and meditation in my ear buds to sleep followed by solfeggio frequencies as I sleep. Ever heard of them? There's a lot on youtube and spotify. I'll post a link at the bottom. I have been staying consistent with my daily anxiety videos which is great. They help me sometimes a little sometimes a lot, I'll post that link as well. Overall my hypersensitivity to my physical feelings are still there but I'm doing a better job of keeping that from spawning anxiety or panic attacks. This week was more good than bad and the first week of its kind in over a month and I am grateful. The combination of CBD, meditation,  good sleep and positive affirmations, thought provoking videos and audio is really helping. Other than Friday and Saturday which is today and tomorrow I'm eating very healthy and being mindful of portions and snacking. I'm not cutting everything out of my diet but during the week I'm eating fruits and vegetables and maybe yogurt and granola during the day. One portion of dinner which can be meat, vegetables and/or bread and maybe a small dessert and no eating after 8-830PM. It's a small start. I'm going to incorporate yoga into my morning ritual and maybe into my night ritual or at least stretching and/or some kind of exercise.  My goal is to be as healthy as I can be while staying both mentally and physically stress free as possible.  I feel like I'm truly on a good path for the first time in my life. No more half assing it, I'm going to whole ass it from now on! 

MY ANXIETY A DAILY DIARY: DAY 43 WHOLE ASSING IT - https://youtu.be/QwJ6RtDydc0

Solfeggio frequencies - https://youtu.be/Gs2bQxid2ZE