Existence Hurts

I feel lost I feel like I don't know where to go or what to do or how to get there. I guess I felt this way for as long as I can possibly remember. I feel like I live in between realities in-between spaces I feel like I'm in the middle of the place between what is conscience consciousness and the place that we all live in the illusion of life. Basically what I mean is or what I think I mean is I feel no connection to any institution any social group or any collection of people in general and I know that sounds confusing but I don't align myself with any religious group or social group or institution as far as intellectual psychological or otherwise. So what I think I mean when I say these things is everything that we do as a people to me is sort of a grasping for sanity or grasping for something that isn't the dark existential nightmare that is existence or at least that's one way we can perceive it I admit that more often than not that's the way that I perceive it. I live I work I have friends I'm social but in reality I'm at my Center in a constant state of fixation on the end which seems to be the most enormous waste of time yet the most fascinating place to be. Death is the question it, is the question it is the thing that we wonder about the most it is what our civilization and our species has time and time again tried to run from make sense of and even push back with activity with monuments with religions with institutions with theories and chasing after dreams and things like that it's a vicious cycle that I have to or maybe not have to but do run through almost constantly.

I find myself in a place of wondering what my goals are what my passions are what my desires are and I don't ever really know what they are. I like things there are things that I like to do they're things that in the moment sometimes I feel like I even might love to do but for some reason I cannot consistently do them I find myself being in a state of complete inaction I have trouble staying the course with even the things that I like to do it's a very frustrating place to be it's a very frustrating way of living, most people even people who are apathetic have some kind of goals some kind of aspirations they are chasing after even the smallest things the house the family the children the career the car, some thing. I for most of my life have been struggling to find what my thing is and it seems kind of strange I have tons of ideas and I sometimes find myself wrapped up in I guess what I would call them as dreams or aspirations but they never come to fruition or at least I never pursue them and I'm not quite sure why the things that come to mind usually are mostly self-deprecating things but things like I'm too lazy or I'm too apathetic or maybe I'm depressed or maybe I feel inadequate. To be completely honest I'm not quite sure what exactly is the thing holding me back from just doing anything consistently writing, creating art, just doing something something that gets me out of bed in the morning even my job my work my quote-unquote career I do it because I feel like I'm forced to do it I need money I have to make money because without money I can't do anything you can't do anything without money even though I hear things like money doesn't bring you happiness or money isn't everything but it is something I do need some kind of currency so that I can eat food and go places put gas in my car and literally go places but I don't want to be a slave to money but I guess I am and so I get up everyday and I go to work and to be honest at the end of the day I feel a little accomplished once I finish my job I feel like it's okay to relax I feel like I'm fine to do nothing at the end of the work day but there's today, days when I wasn't at work I had the day off there was a thing I wanted to do something simple just tidy up my space clean my room clean up my area make my physical life less cluttered I couldn't bring myself even to do it and then I go through a cycle of well I didn't even accomplish this and now I feel bad about not doing it even though I do enjoy relaxing and doing nothing I still end up in the cycle of not feeling great or not feeling well or just the inaction of my existence.

I'm trying to make this as concise as possible I do feel like I'm rambling and and sometimes it's the rambling that gets the information out and I guess this blog in and of itself is my place to share my thoughts other than with my therapist or my girlfriend or my family this is me basically putting my self out there into The Ether for anyone to read especially those who might be feeling or going through the same things. I do find some I guess comfort or catharsis and knowing that I'm not the only one who's probably going through these things and if someone reads this they can feel the same way that they're not going through it either or alone. I guess I can say that just doing this just writing a Blog sharing my thoughts could be my thing maybe I could turn these lemons into lemonade and I've had this a million times and I go through the cycles of writing for days and posting blogs and putting things on social media that I feel are helpful and even vulnerable kind of exposing myself enough in a less egocentric way but the same time I look at these things in a very cynical way and think I'm just doing the same thing that everyone else is doing on Instagram just showing a sliver of themselves for maybe just attention or for some false Applause of some kind but then again if that's how I'm going to look at things why do anything at all and that's the circle that I keep finding myself getting stuck inside of; do something but do it because maybe I want some kind of Accolade or some kind of pat on the back or some kind of confirmation or don't do it because why do something just for Applause but then again why do we do anything at all. I guess maybe it's okay to have some kind of acknowledgement. Again, I apologize for the rambling here I'm actually not even typing on my phone what I'm doing is I'm speaking and it's typing for me so it's going to be a lot of grammatical errors here I'm going to of course read through all of this and edit it but it might seem a little rambly or nonsensical but I guess maybe this is the kind of blog that's for a very specific group of people, people like myself and maybe I should just really focus on people like myself it seems a little self-centered it seems a little small but then again it doesn't.

I guess I will end this blog with just simply saying this is for me, I wrote this completely for me, this is almost like a creature Comfort just me talking into the ether expecting some kind of catharsis which I have to admit it definitely works a little bit I feel a little bit better and its close to bedtime maybe I'm just tired who knows but also just like I did my video blog pretty much almost anything I've ever done that involved my anxiety or mental illness of any kind I'm putting this out there not just for myself but also for anyone else out there just kind of in a rut maybe at the end of the Rope maybe at the beginning of their rope I don't know but maybe they read this or you read this and think yeah I feel the exact same way and that helps me in some way I don't know how or why but it kind of does, I kind of feel like if me just putting my just absolute vulnerability out there it just feels good, it just maybe makes a difference I don't know that's my whole issue I just don't know. Not knowing is part of my problem I focus too much on having some kind of absolute certainty or absolute truth or absolute Clarity and I guess in reality there's no such thing people just either have great inspiration and go do something or people just go do something and that brings great inspiration we hear the stories all the time people just doing the thing that was kind of a nonchalant leisurely activity and then all of a sudden it becomes the thing that they do every day and they love doing it and I guess my biggest problem is my expectation I think of something and you hear about something or however it happens and I create this expectation and my reality never matches my expectation things are never what I think they're supposed to be or hear they're supposed to be or judging by other people's reactions and perceptions that they share with the world people make things out like oh I changed my life or it really helped me and I do that same thing and I don't really feel the same and I guess I thought that it's about what things do I do that make me feel okay, at least okay, even fine and if on top of that what I do that makes me feel okay maybe makes someone else feel okay, I guess that's good. I really think in our denial of death and our denial of our existence just helping someone else maybe is just the thing for some of us the rest of us maybe not so much I guess there are people out there who are just living life and they're happy and content and they just go about their business and do things, it's not about being a public servant but about how can I take my lemons and turn them into lemonade, it's the simplest thing but it really makes the most sense to me.

Okay well I'm going to start editing this thing because just looking up at the page I can see that the speak to type technology is great but not perfect and I don't want to go through 19 paragraphs so I'm going to end it here if you read this and thought it was shit oh well sorry, but if you read it and thought maybe this sounds like something you're going through or it helped you or if you have some advice for me leave me a comment I'll get back to you, I really want to hear from you and I really want to, I don't know turn these lemons into lemonade basically.

Goodnight!
(As you can see, I did a quick edit so punctuation is nearly gone but I think you got the drift. Right?)

Sincerely,

The Louniverse

There Just Aren't Enough Cigarettes.

Just one more. Just one more pack. Just one more day. Just one more week. Just one more month. Just until after the holidays. Just until the end of the Summer.

These are things that I've said to myself to justify my addiction to smoking cigarettes. If you smoke maybe you've done this too, or maybe not, maybe it's just me. Probably not though.
I love smoking. I love what a cigarette is. It's a break, it's a time table. It's the thing I do before I do something, it's the break i take from the thing I'm doing and it's the thing I do after I'm done doing whatever it is I was doing. I love them and I know they're killing me. I'm dying anyway, but maybe I'm dying a bit faster. I can't really say for certain, but it I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel that way. Forget the scientific evidence or the actual physical evidence I personally witness like family members dying from smoking related illness or hearing first hand similar stories from every single person I know. Forget all of that. It feels great to smoke and it also feels like shit. Bottom line.

So, what to do? Quitting seems like the obvious solution except for the fact that it has never worked thus far. I think I've quit and started smoking about ten times in my fifteen years of smoking. The most I've gone without a cigarette in this almost two decades is about three months. Maybe a few times too, but still never more than three. I'll say it again, I love cigarettes. I love them. I wish they were healthy. I wish every puff was filled with vitamin C or Turmeric. That would be awesome! I think.

Even now I want to quit. I want to not have another one, but I just did and I will again in less than an hour. I smoke less than a pack a day. This is one of the things I remind myself of when I talk myself out of quitting. I basically tell myself that "I don't smoke as much as other people" I know people who smoke a pack or more a day or even more than two packs a day which I don't so I'm good. I'm better. I'm dying less, or slower I guess. I'm not really sure, but that's probably what addiction is.

Sometimes when I'm scrolling nearly mindlessly through Facebook and Instagram I feel like all I'm doing is wasting time in between cigarettes. Yes, but really just keeping myself from non-stop chain smoking, like I have to wait a certain amount of time before it's ok to light another one up. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing this all day. I think things like, "the cigarette is the best part of the meal" or "I can't wait to be done so I can have a cigarette" It's so normal that it doesn't really bother me, most of the time. Until days like today when I realize one cigarette is too many and a million isn't enough. I don't smoke anywhere near a million, but you get my point.

There just aren't enough cigarettes, but however many I smoke it's too many. I know I need to quit but I don't want to, and yet I do. This is the dilemma. Isn't it? This is a dilemma right? I know this is nothing like quitting something like heroin, even though I've never gone through that addiction and rehabilitation but I just feel like this is not as severe yet I can't or won't make the change because I'm addicted.

UGH!

Sorry, no real ending here. Just ends I guess.
::lights camel blue::
No seriously as soon as I post this I'm lighting one up.

The Louniverse

IS PARANOIA THE CATALYST FOR MY ANXIETY?

Have you ever been Paranoid?  

We've all heard the term and I think we think we know what it means, but do we?
Or
Do I? 

I know that in my experience when I was younger the term "paranoid" meant the feeling that everyone is after you and you're crazy for feeling that way. People in movies and TV shows would be hold up in a dark hotel room with the blinds shut tight and no one coming or going. The person was also portrayed as someone insanely frantic sometimes.  Screaming and running from invisible enemies or dangers. I guess these characters could have been based on real events or real people but in my life now I know most people who are Paranoid don't really show it. Maybe because it's embarrassing or they perceive it to be embarrassing or maybe they don't even know their paranoid if that's even possible,  which I think it is, but don't know for sure.

As far as it being embarrassing I can safely assume that's a reason because that's why I think I keep my paranoid thoughts to myself and I know I'm not special and others must feel this sane way.
Very recently I've come to the conclusion that not only do I have paranoid thoughts, but also those thought may be the sparks that lights my anxiety a blaze. Hopefully that doesn't sound too dramatic lol.

Over the as two years I've made great progress with dealing with chronic anxiety. Specifically I've been able to become more aware and mindful of when it's happening and why and much quicker than I ever did in my life. I'm a way I think I've been reverse engineering my anxiety, if that makes sense. I'm able to "see" it when it begins and get a better look at what's going on in my head. My thoughts, my conclusions, my exagerations, etc. It's complicated, but now I'm seeing that once something triggers my fight or flight response no matter how big or small my mind and body go into action in creating that narrative,  or story in my mind of "how things are going to go" according to my anxious brain of course.

In the past I would be all wrapped up in the anxiety or even panic before I knew it was happening, which is too late.  I would let the story in my mind bring up my emotions and cause the chemicals in my mind to flow and without really doing much of anything,  I could literally be laying in bed, I would be in a full blown panic attack basically and completely self inflicted.
Just last week I caught myself deep in thought about something completely nuts all because of a 10 second interaction with a stranger.
I'll explain this example to give you an idea of what I'm talking about and how I have deciphered that what I'm experiencing is in fact Paranoia which can and sometimes does lead directly to my anxiety and in the past panic.
In this case my anxiety did not become overwhelming but it was definitely heightened and just so you know, I have not had a panic attack in over a year, which is great for me.
So, here is what happened: 

I work outside. I work for a company that brings me to many locations in a day and I have to work sometimes on private property; shopping centers, company parking lots, etc. 

This occasion I was in a small parking lot and to make room for myself to work I parked half on the parking lot and half on some grass. I thought nothing other than "aren't I smart for making this work for me!" little did I know I "fucked up" and was about to be  told to move. So, Im about to begin my work on a car in this parking lot when the owner of the adjacent company, not the company I was doing the job for, comes out and asks me politely if this was my van. It was so I said "yes" then the gentlemans tone and facial expression changed to anger and he said " ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW! MOVE THAT VAN! AND IF YOU DAMAGED ANY OF MY SPRINKLER HOSES IN THE GROUND I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE I SEND THE BILL TO YOUR COMPANY!" 

I said "ok" and move my van. End of interaction. Well, at least for him. For me it was another story. I began working on the car and for about 30-45 minutes I replayed the 20 second exchange in my head over and over again. I began questioning my judgement. Was I an idiot for doing this? Or inconsiderate? Then I shift over to wondering what he was doing inside of his shop. Was he stewing in there over what I did? Was he planning on coming out and saying something to me again, or worse coming over to fight me. Like, literally engage in fisticuffs? I know this might sound nuts but this is what was going through my head. I even began looking at every face who came and went through the parking lot and into his shop. Were these just customers or did he call one of his "guys" to come and handle me. Walk over to me and begin an innocent conversation only to lull me into a false sense of security and then sucker punch me or jump me or walk behind me and put a bullet in my head. I"m kind of laughing at this all now but that's where my head went, and still goes pretty often. I let my overthinking take me on an emotion journey into the depths of horror and worst of the worst case scenarios. Afterwards I tell myself that this is just too much TV and movies, but it's more than that. I'm able to stay in this frame of mind because yeah these things to happen on occasion. People can be monsters and do the most horrible things over the littlest of disputes. But usually nothing like this ever happens and the media, TV and movies just use the things to sell movies tickets, build ratings and get as much attention as possible. Still, this is where my head goes and it goes there regularly. So far nothing like this has ever happened to me but this is the process of my overthinking. I let myself build up something small into something enormous and outrageous. Eventually my work distracts me enough to move on and I do, but now that I'm being more mindful and aware I notice that more often than not my mind runs wild and it takes me some time to get things back to normal. 

Now, I just want to say that I do always get myself back to center and usually it doesn't last the entire day or carry over into the next day, but it has on occasion. This is just one recent example, but nearly every day I find that my mind kind of runs wild with paranoid thoughts about the worst case scenario in almost any and all situations. Especially if what I'm doing is something that I think is "wrong" or punishable. Like with this guy in the parking lot I felt embarrassed and stupid for doing something that was really just a simple mistake and I let my guilt drive me into the fantasy of a murderous fugitive, or at least what I think a murderous fugitive might go through thinking everyone is after him for his crimes, etc. This can be every morning for me when I'm running late to work, or if I did something I'm technically not supposed to like something against company policy or something I know I was told as a child not to do, etc. I know that might sound a little over simplified but it is usually why I get into this state of mine. So, for example if I'm running late to work I begin having an argument in my head with my manager, or someone higher up on the corporate food chain and I find myself defending myself vigorously. It takes a lot of my energy from me to be honest and in most cases what I imagine and how I imagine it to take place is rarely how it plays out in reality so why all the dramatics? Truthfully I'm not totally sure, but I think it's because I already am an anxious person with an anxious mind, a chronic overthinker and hypochondriac. So my theory is that my anxiety leads me to have paranoid thoughts and my paranoia leads me to anxiety. It's a vicious circle. Only now, very recently have I been noticing the paranoid thoughts and paranoia. Months ago and years ago I would just slip into this fantasy world and it was truly just a big part of my every day/all day internal thoughts. The more I think about it now the more it makes me feel horrible. The one thing that makes me feel better is that I am aware of it now and being mindful is a step in the right direction. The more I'm aware of it, the more I can catch myself sooner and slow down the process and hopefully soon stop it quicker. In the long run the goal of course is to stop it before it starts. Having dealt with anxiety for so long I know that I won't be able to do this overnight, but it also won't take as long as I fear it will which is forever. 

The anxiety, overthinking and hypochondria have been a part of me for longer than I know. A very young age I assume but don't know when it all began for sure. It really doesn't matter when it started, but it is important that I take the proper steps to ensure I continue to heal the way I have been. It's been a long process with big ebbs and flows of hopefulness and hopelessness. In the past year I have been more hopeful than ever but I still have some pretty bad days and terrible moments. My imagination literally runs wild on me. 

So, going forward I am going to do my best in keeping tabs on my paranoid overthinking catastrophe scenarios and hopefully reel them in faster and faster until I'm able to stop them in their tracks before they start or atleast soon after they start. 

What do you think? 

Do you think paranoia is something that could be considered a catalyst to anxiety or is this just anxiety causing paranoia and is there even a difference? 

I really want to hear from you. 

Good luck out there! and thanks for reading! 

The Louniverse 

THE BLIND ALLEY OF PASSION

At 35, my current age I still find myself pondering my passion. My purpose in life, my reason to live. That thing that I'm "supposed" to be chasing that gets me out of bed in the morning that fills my time until I'm no longer living. You know, "that" thing. (I hope my quotation marks are in the "right" places.)

If you're like me, a fellow human, then I'm sure you've pondered this before or ponder it still. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE!? WITH THIS LIFE!? NOW!? or something like that. I think about it often, almost constantly to be honest, but recently I've come to some (almost) conclusions.
I'm "almost" (quotations!?) certain that passion is whatever we want it to be and it can change. It can be your job,  but doesn't have to be. It can be your hobbies, but doesn't have to be. I think it would be nice if it was, but doesn't "have" to be.
I battle with myself pretty regularly about what I "like" and what I "love". Sometimes I love the things I like and like the things I love.  Make sense? I don't really think so either, but maybe you at least understand. Maybe? 

Ok, basically what my thought process is for example: I like/love poetry.
I:
Like to write it
Read and perform it
Sometimes I even like to read it
When I write it, it's when the muse strikes me with creativity and INSPIRATION! then boom! I open my notepad app on my phone and type away until I'm satisfied. If I think it's "done" I will read it at the next open mic I attend.
So, is this like or love?
Like I said I battle between these two ideas of like and love.  

The difference now is that I'm beginning to believe that it really doesn't matter. Like and love seem to depend on my mood, or my surroundings, or the content, company,  etc
The list of variables goes on. It's pretty fluid. So, I think "passion" is a matter of perception and drive.
Perception in the form of how the "thing" makes you feel for however long it makes you feel it.
Like, if something feels bag, E.G. being poked in the eye, you'll want it less. Unless you're into that sort of thing.

 
Or

E.G. something feels good like reading a poem in front of a crowd and getting some kind of enjoyment, catharsis, release of emotions, etc out of it. Then I tend to do that more often.  But, I have noticed that even though I love/like doing this I may stop doing it for days, weeks or months.
I always ask myself "why?"
Then get into the "love/like" debate with myself and end up back in that place. Essentially a place of unknowing which really becomes a stagnant place. I become stuck with not knowing which is right, or good, or real, etc.
That doesn't seem to be useful at all. In fact it causes stress and anxiety.
What I think is true about passion is that it can and maybe should remain in a flux-like state, if that even makes sense. Poetry can be my passion today, but maybe not tomorrow,  but then it can be again in a few days, weeks, or months. You get it, right?
So, I've been playing with the idea of:
1. Letting my love/likes come and go as they see fit and
2. Letting the things that I like to do become the things that I LIKE to do.
Make sense?  (Contact me if not, I'm serious.) 

Now, about drive.
Drive is the part that I find myself getting hung up on. The actual "action" of a thing. Sometimes I get stagnant as I stated before, but also sometimes I think of a thing I really like/love but then simply talk myself out of it based on little rules I have in my head. By "rules" I mean the things were told we can't do, or shouldn't do, or aren't fit to be like/loves. Now, I'm not talking about anything that will harm another person, so if you were thinking that I'm sorry that's not what I meant and please don't hurt anyone and if you think you should, seek help.
What I mean is the things that I like to do that are the things I do when I'm procrastinating and avoiding the "thing" I'm supposed to do like work, as I'm my job, or a task or chore. 

Ok, for example:
I love making fire. I'm a Pyro and have been since I was a kid. Yeah I know it can be a little or A LOT unsafe but hear me out.
IN A CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENT like a fire pit, pot-belly stove or in a place far from the places that can burn down, I will make a fire.
I like setting it up and watching it burn.  Building it bigger and hotter and putting things in to watch burn like toys or fireworks or whatever lol
But is this a passion? Honestly I do not know for sure, but that's probably clear to you by now. I know that I really don't know, but I think no one else really does either. I think those little things that creep up in my mind and seem to take up my attention ARE the things I should do when they pop up. This to me in-of-itself seems to be PASSION. 

A feeling arrives, however it does, but it does then you feel the need to DO something. TO DO THAT THING. That action, that whatever it is. I say do it. JUST DO IT! (fuck you nike, I'm not even capitalizing your name) JUST DO "IT!" 

IT, whatever it is. Light a fire! stare into the clouds for HOURS! Drive to nowhere with no one for NO REASON because there really isn't a reason and that IS the reason. I think this makes sense. 

OK, basically my thought on the drive, perception, like, love, LIFE all of it is that there is no reason and that is the reason. There is no rhyme or reason or purpose that we do not make up for ourselves. I've watched hours and hours of "inspirational" videos on YouTube and read things and listened to audiobooks, etc and honestly it's all good. None of it is "bad" but it's all kind of confusing and contradictory. Listen to Alan Watts and your life will change. Then listen to Jay Shetty, or Joe Dispenza, etc the list goes on and on. All of these people using their experience to relate and help others which is amazing. I love it. I watch them, I'm inspired and for a little while I float on their ideas and get some action under my feet, but it never lasts. I think it doesn't last because I'm lazy. I am, but i also think it doesn't last because it's not my path. It's not my way. My way is MY WAY and your way is YOUR WAY. I think this is the same for passion as it is for life. It's your world do with it whatever you like. Living to the fullest can be whatever you say it is and it will be. Travel the world or don't. Be happy! or don't. It's your ride.

My passion isn't anything specific right now, but something did happen tonight. I got a bug up my ass to write and here I am. It works if you let it, I think. Again, I'm glad you're reading this is you are, but please understand that I am just like you. I do not know shit and I'm making it up as I go along which is great, but also kinda scary, but still great. 

This way of life and thinking, I feel, makes the dark not so dark and the light much brighter. You and I will be dead very soon. Well, not VERY soon, but soon enough and for sure definitely sooner than we'd like. At least sooner than I'd like, you, I have no idea what you're game is. Maybe you're sprinting towards death. If so I say GODSPEED! and I also say BE CAREFUL! try to live a long time! ah hell. Do you baby!

The Louniverse

ALL YOU TOUCH AND ALL YOU SEE IS ALL YOUR LIFE WILL EVER BE.

Kudos to you if you figured out the title of this blog post are lyrics from the Pink Floyd song Breathe from their amazing album Dark Side of the Moon.
I did not steal it, I'm merely borrowing it to make a point. You'll see (maybe, I make no promises)

If you don't know the song please give it a listen. Below are the lyrics.  Read them.

"Breathe, breathe in the air
Don't be afraid to care
Leave but don't leave me
Look around, choose your own ground
For long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all your touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be

Run, rabbit run
Dig that hole, forget the sun
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down, it's time to dig another one
For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave"

Today I was driving and listening to the album for maybe the 500th time, or something like that. I've listened to these songs quite a few times and I've always knew that this song has something to do with "life" in general. Living and dieing, the rat race, our misplaced time, etc.
But
Today I was listening and that line hit me a little different than usual. "All you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be"
I was just thinking
"Yes, that must be right" it just hit me.
These lyrics can be interpreted in a million ways I know and believe me they are. I did a little research today and checked out one of those song lyric meaning forums and it's chock full of other people's opinions of the song which is fine. They were all pretty much on the same page give or take a few details. Just like any anxiety forum ironically.

To me that line means a few things. It has to do with the physical and the mental.
Physically: Whatever you see, your surroundings, the people in your life, your job, the places you choose to go and situations you choose to take part in will be your life.  Constantly surrounding yourself with assholes? Well guess what?! You're probably one of them.  Hanging out with deadbeats?
You get it.
Mentally: Whatever you think about all the time will be your realty.
Your outlook
Your concerns
Your dreams
Fears
Etc

It brought me back to the post I wrote yesterday about fear.
All I think about is my fear or how I'm  getting over my fear.
My anxiety or how I'm getting over it or past it.
Breathing exercises to calm down
Meditation
Thought replacement
All the "bad" things in my head AND all the "good" things that I do to get past the bad things really amount to the same thing.
Everything on my mind is anxiety or anxiety related. 
Fear based of some kind.

Now I know I'm in the process of healing and maybe so are you. Don't get stressed I'm not saying these methods of healing are wrong but understand that they are still part of anxiety and connected to it.
Just like methadone is connected to heroin or nicotine vape pens are connected to cigarettes. 
Meditation is a great practice for a healthy peaceful life and so is breathing exercises and eating healthy, etc
But
They must exist in their own right in my life because as long as they are in place to help rid myself of anxiety or take the place of anxiety, Anxiety is still in my life big time.
I don't want to end up in a constant struggle with anxiety for the rest of my life. Surrender and acceptance seem to be the best methods but I want to take it a step farther.
I do not know what that is yet.  Sorry. I'm still working this shit out too.

I just know that I don't want to end up like the rabbit in the song
In an early grave

I know the grave will be the place I will end up as will the rest of us but I just want to make sure I'm not sitting somewhere alone with a tense body biting my nails and rocking back and forth in a worry some anxious state as I die. 

I don't know how I'd "like" to die but I do know how I don't want to go, especially if the way I least want to go is as avoidable as anxiety.

I hope this wasn't too bleak. Thank you for reading!

As always I'd love to hear from you.

Sincerely,

Lou Raio
AKA 
The Louniverse

NOT LETTING FEAR RUIN YOUR DAY AND YOUR LIFE.

I was just about to go onto Google and begin a search about a feeling that is bothering me. I have health anxiety, I'm a hypochondriac.  So, my leg hurts in a place where I can see there's a vein. For some reason the combination of these two things sends me running to the Internet for answers and reassurance. Two things I RARELY find in a Google search about something that's bothering me either physically or mentally.

Sound familiar?

If so please keep reading. I am writing this for you. You the person reading this and me in the future also reading this. Fear has controlled my life through anxiety for as long as I can remember and today is no different.  I was just about to begin a search online through Yahoo message boards,  Web MD vague "93 possible diagnosis" sections which are always horrifyingly terrible or blogsposts from other sufferers, doctors, YouTube videos, Facebook posts, etc, etc
You know this pattern.
It's starts there and ends with more anxiety,  more questions, more irrational fears, more, more, more
Unrest
Uneasiness
Sleeplessness
Imbalance
The list can go on forever

However, the more I "research" my anxiety the more I realize we all have exactly the same symptoms, fears and follow the same train of thought nearly to the tee minus of course some very tiny individualized nuances of symptoms specific to us.

We get a "feeling" or a "thought" our body begins the process of fight or flight usually, 9 times out of 10 before we even know it and boom we run to the Internet and self diagnosis and worse seemingly convince ourselves of the worst case scenario. 
I don't get aches I get deep vein thrombosis. I get lung cancer, throat cancer, swollen lymph nodes, the silent killer widow maker heart attack! 
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I'm either fine or having the longest lasting slowest killing heart attack in human medical history.
Right?
We know we're fine but still find ourselves breaking out in sweats. Trembling. Nauseous and scared.

All of it sucks. But it is a choice.

Now I know that sounds weird. Why would ANYONE choose these things. Well, we do and we dont, but we definitely do.

An ache or a pain or a feeling, a thought, anxiety, fear,  horror,  panic...
All natural, all normal. 
WE anxious bunch of beautiful little coconuts take these normal short lived human emotions and drag them out and over think ourselves into some of the worst living a human can give to itself.
The truth sucks and it's no excuse but then again it is a condition and it is happening and feeling powerless is just as natural and normal. So, breath. It's fine. You're alive today despite all the above problems and the problems you'll find later tonight when you take your cloths off and see [insert scary body part]

It's ok.

Now, even as I'm typing this my anxiety is hard at work. My anxiety is crafty. It's after all, me. It's knows me like I know me. I can't outsmart it but I can ignore it, right?
Right now it's telling me that everything I've just written is bullshit.  No one wants to read this and basically this is all one big long attempt at reassurance. 
It's just me distracting myself from my feelings by writing this thing to distract you from your feelings all while reassuring me and maybe you.
And maybe that's true.
No. No its not.

I'm writing this because I know what anxiety is. I know how anxiety, health anxiety and all this fear has turned my life into a stagnant cycle of repeating past mistakes, getting stuck in bad unfulfilling situations and not living a life. Plain and simple. 

NOT. LIVING. A. LIFE.
Anxiety is a full time job for me on top of my other full time job.
It distracts me from every single aspect of my life every single minute of every single day for as long as I can remember.
I do not remember NOT being anxious.
Fear takes up nearly all of my energy. All of my mental capacity.  It ruins everything while leaving me just enough to participate in life from the perspective of a free to walk around prisoner's stand point. I can go and do whatever I like just as long as I don't mind the never ending over thinking chatter in my head.  The over sensitized body and the irrational fear encyclopedia chained to my feet wherever I go.
You can't call out of work by telling your boss "you can come into work today because there's just too much on your mind"
You're too busy fighting a battle in your head and cannot interact with the outside world today.
So, sorry family. Sorry job, sorry significant other, friends, and everyone else. 
Sound like your life at all?

Everyday I imagine a knight fighting a dragon. Everyday both the knight and the dragon die.  No one wins. 
Am I the knight or am I the dragon? 
Is the dragon my anxiety?
I think they're both me. They have the same eyes.  The Knight fights to the bitter end every time. He nearly defeats the dragon completely then usually is struck with a fatal blow.  A last gasp of the Dragon who is also fatally wounded and they both go down. Interpret that how you like. I think of it all the time.
Stalemate. No winner, but I feel like I still lose.
I change myself and limit myself and alter my demeanor and emotions as to not wake the beast up but in doing so I become a shadow of my former self. I am barely a person in those moments and that's my everyday.

I let my fear control my entire life.
It's lead me to so many positive outlets that have never truly helped because the fear is the strongest. It outlasts everything in me.
I've learned to meditate, breath, take a minute or ten or twenty or an hour and rest. Eat healthier. Stop smoking cigarettes, lessen my caffeine intake and I can go on forever.
All of this is because those things at one time or another gave me anxiety about my body and I dropped them in order to appease the fear. 

No more.  I'm still going to continue to eat healthy and not smoke cigarettes and not over use caffeine but I'm doing it because it's healthy and I feel good and that's it. If I have coffee I won't think about heart attacks or strokes.
If I eat something not so healthy I won't think about purging myself with water to flush it out of me ASAP because of a myriad of irrational reasons. 
I do things for me now.  Starting today. 
I choose to be happy not because it's going to pay off someday or distract me from the moment or keep the dragon asleep but because I want to be happy. That's it.
It's a choice.
Always was and always will be.
I know it. You know it. Now let's begin a practice. 
Just sit down, take a few deep breaths, close your eyes and feel the surroundings you're in RIGHT NOW.  This is the moment.  This is reality.  This is everything.

I truly hope this blog post has helped at least a little bit.  I hope you related to it and know that you're not alone and that most importantly You. Are. Fine.

I'd love to hear from you!

Sincerely, 

Lou Raio
AKA
The Louniverse

The year of anxiety

For those of you reading this who haven't followed my story on YouTube or Instagram these past eleven months I will give you a quick synapses of the progression of my anxiety thus far.

Back in February of this year, a few days after valentine's day I began feeling dizzy at work. I immediately began to have a panic attack and left work and drove myself to a walk-in clinic because I thought my imbalance was something very serious, possibly death. It obviously was not death, thankfully.
This lead me to just about two straight weeks of extremely high anxiety and panic to the point where I was constantly shaking and afraid.  My pupils were dilated, my stomach was in my throat, my feet did not support my own body weight and I was barely staying asleep at night. It was terrible.
This lead me to a doctor for the first time in well over a decade and began an almost year long series of blood tests, fear, anxiety, getting an MRI on my brain, seeing specialist after specialist, racking up thousands of dollars in medical bills (which I've refused to pay because of course I was going to die and paying the bills would be a waste. I'm still alive and the letters and phone calls come daily.) and nothing but more questions that I began with back in February. 

I was given a clean bill of health back in June, basically, and through my own research, mindfulness, meditation,  acceptance, sheer will and brute force I began to feel better day by day and thought the worst was behind me and brighter days were ahead, and they were, for a while.

Fast forward to-
Thanksgiving night I was woken up from a dead sleep with my arms and legs vibrating hard. Tremors, pulsing, I'm still not quite sure but it was scary and when I got out of bed my limbs were heavy and weak and I had my first real scary panic attack in months. Thinking I was going to die (of course) I made an appointment with my friendly new doctor friends and had another blood test and they recommended that I see both a neurologist and cardiologist.  Scary. 
I got a check up from the neurologist this past weekend and he informed me that I do have a pinched nerve in my left leg and Carpal Tunnel in both of my hands. Not great, but clearly not life threatening.  He also informed me that I have panic disorder and anxiety and that I should consider medication specifically Lexapro .  I informed him that I'm also a hypochondriac and we laughed. I'm always a bit more cheery about this when in the safe confines of a doctor's office or hospital.  This is the first time in my life I'm actually considering medication. 

The cardiologist visit was not too bad, but did not wrap up nicely after the one visit. The EKG showed that I have a palpitation when I take deep breaths and the doc recommended I get a stress test and a sonogram on my heart.  I had the stress test earlier this week and it seemed to go well. I will follow up with the cardiologist in a few weeks after I get the sonogram but feel fairly confident all of this will come down to anxiety. I hope.
I know that sounds nuts, but I hope it's only anxiety and not a real heart issue.  Being a fatass cigarette smoker for the past decade plus is eventually going to catch up with me. Changes are being made,  I'll get into that later. 
I still feel palpitations.  It bugs the shit out of me, which causes daily anxiety and it's just shit all around. The cycle is awful. Anxiety that causes physical symptoms and physical symptoms that cause anxiety. I'm exhausted.  Mentally,  physically and spiritually.  I'm ok, but, I'm tired. (I know, I know, I know.) 

This is my main reason for truly leaning towards a pill. The idea that I will be able to get through a day without feeling this way and thinking about death is great,  maybe I'm getting my hopes up but I like this idea. I'm seeing my psychologist at the end of this week and will discuss it with her. I see her twice a month. It helps, I highly recommend talking to someone a few times a month or more if you can afford it. Contact me if you would like to discuss.

So here I am. It's a few days before Christmas which is WAY longer than I thought I'd still be dealing with this string of issues.  Is it even a string? I don't really know for sure, but it feels like it has been and my mind can and will connect anything together that supports whatever my mind needs to connect to fulfil the catastrophic movie in my head.  Hooray!

I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember but this past year was when it really morphed into hypochondria. My fear of death and my over thinking, over analysing mind really outdid itself this year and truly deserves a gold medal. 

My mind is still not at ease. Is anyone's?  I don't really know, but this state is too much on most days.

::CONTINUED ON NEW YEARS EVE::

Today is the last day of 2017 and I honestly did not believe I would live to see this day when this all began back I'm February. 

I had the sonogram on my heart earlier this week which was scary in of itself. Staring at a black and white screen with only  my literal beating heart to stare at fir the better part of an hour was uncomfortable but I got through it. I watched my palpatations happen is real time.  I felt my heart skip a beat and watched it lay seemingly lifeless for a second on a grainy screen and was forced to keep myself calm. I didn't like it but I'm fine.

I have my follow up meeting with the doctor on Friday and my next appointment with my psychologist the same afternoon. This has become my hypochondriac life. Meeting doctors,  having follow ups, worrying in wait and having my mind reassured only to have my anxiety spill into another area of my body so that my mind can stress about another major organ and the terminal illnesses that could be found therein.

The last few weeks I have felt fine. Better than fine. I gave been really practicing the mantras of "my thoughts are just my thoughts" and "my feelings are just my feelings" AND IT HAS BEEN WORKING. mindfulness and acceptance work. No method is perfection but this seems to be working great because I know it's not going to rid me of the anxious thoughts and feeling but instead allow me to live with them and desensitize myself over time. I feel good about this.

Ok, if you've read this far bless your little heart. I was hoping not to ramble and go all over the place but this was a complicated year and I'm sharing this story for my own personal mental health and growth and also for anyone else out there who's had similar experiences and maybe needs to read something like this to simply know that you're not alone. Also, maybe you'd like to share your story. You can do that here. 😊

Having stayed all of the above I must say that even though I felt very uneasy a lot of this year and still have feelings of uncertainty and dread I am truly better from all of these experiences.  I write it again. I am better for having gone through all of this anxiety.
I am much more of an empathetic person. I am less cynical,  less sarcastic,  more hopeful,  more positive and more understanding than I ever have been in my entire life.

There is no ego melting experience quite like a severe panic attack that not only seizes the mind and spirit but mimics all the physical symptoms of immediate death and destruction.  This year has changed me for the better.

GOING FORWARD INTO THE UNKNOWN

This year I've made better choices regarding my health.  I stopped eating meat in July and haven't looked back. I plan on becoming a vegan, in time. Cheese has a hold over me and no piece of meat can compare to a hunk of mozzarella haha. I'm getting there.

I've also quit and started smoking a few times this year. Today I had my last two cigarettes hopefully forever.  I love them but they do not serve me I'm any truly positive way except for being delicious and mentally satisfying.  I will do my best to use only e-cigarettes going forward and not cave into lighting another cancer stuck ever again. Time will tell.

I'm also planning on doing more physical exercise in this new year. I know that I need goals and this will be one of them. Not a resolution but a lifestyle choice. I know I will not live forever but I plan on living as healthy as I can for as long as I can. I think I can live with that.

I want to become someone who lives with anxiety and share my story in such a way that I can help other people through my YouTube videos, audio podcasts and social media. Teaching through experience. This is a very attainable and worthwhile goal.

In less than an hour the ball will drop and 2017 will end and 2018 will begin. New day, new year, new me. Cheesy but true. I am OK with Cheesy. 

I want to tap into my creative mind more this year than I ever have and become the artist I know I can be.

Recently I came across the concept of unconditional happiness. Happiness in the face of anything and everything the universe can throw at me. No matter what I will be happy.  I will accept this life and my impermanence.  I will be the best version of myself starting now and until I am no longer a living thing. All that exists is this moment and I will embrace it. Seems like a lot but really it isnt, it's just all that there is. Accept this moment. 

I am happy.  I am here. I am.
Short, simple and sweet.

I don't really know how to end this so I just will.

Thank you for reading my story of anxiety in 2017 and I truly hope it helped in some way. Be well. Love hard, live vigorously and don't take anything too seriously or for  granted. Enjoy this new year and I'll see ya out there!

Lou